Your Pirate Name Is...

Evil Ivy the Infected

What's Your Pirate Name?

Today is Sunday. Pretty much my very last day off, until BJ gets here. I guess that's a good thing... anyway. Yesterday was fun.

I worked at Caribou from 7-1, and then went home. My mom and I wanted to spend some time together, and I decided that I wanted to show her the new Festival Foods. Awhile back, Amber had given me a call asking me if I was interested in working there. (Dunn Bros) She wanted me to come in and apply. It sounded pretty promising. So... I drove over there and applied. Her boss made it sound almost for sure. Telling me I would start at 9/hr as a shift lead, and the job would probably start in about three weeks. WELL...

I never heard from anyone there. But we went, nonetheless. We each picked out some deli salads to eat, and then we went into Dunn Bros. There was a guy at the register. I think his name was Adam. So begins the WORST service I have ever gotten at any Dunn Bros...ever. While i was standing in front of him, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence, he was shouting goodbye to a co-worker leaving through the door behind me. Back and forth, so on and so on. HELLO! CUSTOMER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! He was working with two other girls. One girl was brunette with her big hair hanging down...everywhere. Around FOOD and BEVERAGES?!?!?!?! That is so wrong. Gross.

We asked if we could pay for our deli salads there. Adam said "Um...no..."whiney voice" we can't do that here." My mom was surprised, because of how Vadnais works. He said something about how their system was more sophisticated. My mom kind of scoffed, saying how can it be more sophisticated if it creates more problems for the customers? He just shrugged and I was like 'Yeah...well we can't do that. YOu have to pay in the store. But yeah, people complain.' and I was like... um...duh.

So, I paid for the stuff we were actually getting IN the coffee shop. I ordered my mom an iced white mocha with less espresso. BOY did THAT confuse them. They stared at me for like... five minutes, asking each other what I could have possibly meant by that. During the ten minutes it took for that one drink to be made, (with no other customers present in house, or drive-thru) after they finally figured it out, my mom asked if they were hiring. Adam told us no, and that they still had a lot of applicants. My mom said "Really? My daughter here was asked to apply." And I said "Mom, that's because Amber wanted me to for a certain position." and mom was like "Oh, that's surprising." And Adam was like "If you don't believe me, I'll show you the stack. A lot of people want to work here." I was so put off. And he did a sarcastic laugh in between every sentence, like ...oh, we're SO much better than you.

So, my mom went off to pay for the deli salads we wanted to have with the coffee all out in the grocery store. After mom was gone, Adam spoke up again. "Yeah, Amber mentioned wanting one of her friends to work here." and I was like "That would be me." and he goes "Yeah...for shift lead, right?" and i was like..."uh-huh." And then comes the sarcastic laugh, followed by a "Well, that's too bad for you, because I got the job." *laugh, laugh, laugh* "Not to make you FEEL bad or anything." *smirk* I wanted to scream at him. If you got the job, would it be okay for me to tell you you suck at it? YOu didn't even know HOW to make the drink I ordered! So, I looked up and smirked back at his cross armed self, and was like "Can I have my salad dressing please?" He looked disappointed, like he wanted me to be crushed, and I wasn't. "Yeah, okay." And he scampered off into the deli to retrieve it. Then he came back, presenting it triumphantly like 'I am SOOO good." and then I smirked back again "Can I have a fork, please?" And there was that stunned 'oh crap' look I love and cherish so much, and instead of grabbing me the forks I saw right behind him, he took off into the deli again. He came back with a fork and was like "We've been like...really busy today." Yeah, I could tell. YOu stood around doing nothing when I got there, and you stood around doing nothing LONG after we left the counter... even if you had a "rush"... you weren't out of anything, you were just lazy.

I was so put off by the entire experience. The service sucked, he treated me terribly because I had applied there, and I was upset that neither Amber or her boss contacted me in any way after ASKING ME TO APPLY! Amber really should have told me. Instead, I felt humiliated. So they filled the job. My opinion? They did a bad job. He was rude and incompetent. Why did this happen? Oh, because. But thank God I got a preview now of how much I would have hated it there. Applicant or not, I was a customer...and I wouldn't have been able to stand working with any of the people I met yesterday.

So anyway! After that, mom and I went to Super Target. I bought some dust masks and an air conditioning charger for my car. WEE! I'm excited. I needed the dust masks so I could clean out the basement with Harvey down there. I'm really allergic to him, so I was hoping that would help. It did!

So I went home and worked my butt off cleaning out the basement. It's a beautiful theater again! Complete with revamped concession stand, and two life size carboard cutouts. Of who? Why... Captain Jack and Will Turner, of course! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

After that, Holly and Taylor from the Bou came over and watched a movie. We watched "American Outlaws". I didn't make it through the whole cleaning/viewing experience allergy free. My breathing and eyes were affected, just not as bad. My neck itched like usual, and my nose was running. It was my eyes that were terrible. Even after I went to bed they were oozing. I kept waking up to find balls of crap clinging to my eyes. Crusty gross. I was down there way too long. Harvey needs a new home.

So, that's that for now, I guess. Happy Sunday! Oh, it better be.

Today is BJ's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE! I love you soooo much. You are my heart!

He happened to get my birthday package directly on today, which was good. He loved his presents. And I love him! Oh, happy day! At least I hope it was.

2nd week at Lakeshore, and all is good. Slightly less intimidating. I LOVE the girl I work with every day, Kirsten. She is so sweet, and we love all the same things. It's absolutely grand! (She loves Pirates and Gilmore Girls... we becamse fast friends.)

Caribou right now? It's just of...annoying. Like a distraction. I love the people I work with, but... the job in itself just seems to drag on, and on, and on...and I feel like I'm being cheated out of a lot of money. I probably am. Caribou corporate is evil. EVIL! Everyone knows it. Even my boss.

Cairo is huge. He like to bite things. Body appendages not excluded. It's all in play! But...ouch? We all love Cairo so.

Well... I really don't have much to say. The time in which BJ is coming is approaching! I am literally counting the days. The hours! The minutes... I can't wait to be with him again.

That's all for now! BYE!

Well, tomorrow will be my third day at Lakeshore Players. I'm pretty excited about it. It's kind of intimidating, but what job isn't at the beginning? You're always terrified of the day when training is officially over, and you're supposed to know what to do... all the time. You get left alone pretty much you're entire shift when you're in the box office, because Joan, boss lady, pretty much stays upstairs in her office. BUT... she has been writing a grant since I started working there, so she's had her hands full.

Caribou is good, except there are too many complainers. That's annoying. Everyone thinks they're more deserving than someone else, and it's just this long, boring...AHHHHH cycle. Grow up!

In other news, Pirates opened on Friday. I saw it with Jessi, and then saw it later the next night with my family in the UltraScreen at Marcus. Kelly, Jamie and I went early to be able to get seats. We got tickets almost 6 hours in advance. (EVERY show sells out EVERYWHERE. Beat THAT Superman!) While we were waiting, my brother decided to engage me in a terrifying game of the crazy rabid mongoose high-five slapping game. He made it up on the spot. He ended up injuring me so badly, I fell on the ground. Welts and bruises immediately appeared on my arm. My skin BUBBLED...what causes that? He hit me soooo hard. It looked like I had burn marks. It was crazy. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. Kelly rushed to the concession stand, asking for a plastic bag with ice, claiming "My brother hit my sister, and she got hurt..." It was hilarious!

So that's all for now. I'm waiting for BJ to call. I was expecting his call about an hour ago. He's just...too busy sometimes. Everyone loves him, and the long distance girlfriend doesn't exactly win that contest. I guess I'm on the back burner for now. Oh, well. It's the best things on the stove that have to just sit and simmer. More flavor, ya know? That's me! Chicken a-la-queen. Er...soemthing like that. Cream sauce. I dunno...

3:45 workin tomorrow morning. Stop distracting me! To bed I go!

Yay! I done got the job! I start tomorrow. I'm excited. The first show they're doing is the summer youth project, basically about how teens came together after 9/11. I get tickets to every show...pretty sure, so I'm excited! (The next show after that is Cheaper by the Dozen) Also, Lakeshore rents out the auditorium... so mayhaps some Plan See performances make take place on this very stage:



I am really happy about it. When I was there for my second interview, they showed me some of the process, and I was confused as heck. But I know I'll figure it out. I hope. I'll be in a theater again! I've gone through a little withdrawal. It might seem like small potatoes to some people, but I'm kinda proud of me. They're never hiring there. I don't care what stage I'm around, as long as I'm around a stage!

I am really tired for some reason right now. I just don't feel right. I feel...weird. Like I'm floating. I tried carrying on a conversation with BJ earlier, and all of my words were coming out in the wrong order.

IN other news. Treasure Hunters is pretty good. That's not news, I know. It's entertaining. BJ's brother Jake was saying that he wanted to do it next season. I think he would be awesome! I told BJ he should do it with him, win some money, honey! They'd be excellent. They would need a third though. I suggested BJ's brother-in-law, Jason. *shrugs* I dunno. It would be pretty cool though!

Sunnie and Paul are currently blowing really loud raspberries on each other's stomachs. It's really annoying... they are so weird. Heh heh heh.

Well, I guess that's all for now. BYE!

For BJ, I love you with all my heart. You are my one and only. NAF.


"MY ANGEL"
He says I am his angel.
I know that can't be true.
I must admit, the way I feel, Is all so very new.
He says the Lord has blessed him,
By showing him the way.
The way to start a brand new life,
By loving me each day.
He says I make him smile
But sometimes I wonder why,
If I'm the one who's heaven sent,
Why won't this feeling die?
For I am not the angel,
That I hoped I once could be.
I fear he's got the story wrong, it simply isn't me.
For darling, you're MY angel,
My gift from God above.
You've given me the chance to prove,
That I know how to love

- Corrie Killmer

Your Body Image is 88% Unhealthy, 12% Healthy

You don't feel good about the way you look... pretty much ever. And it's impacting your life so much that you need to seek help.

How's Your Body Image?

Huh. Unfortunately, I was completely honest. I used to think I had no idea why I always felt the way I felt. That's not really true. I'm constantly reminded.

Aside from being made fun of, growing up... all of my insecurities stemmed from my mother. It's STILL going on today. Just a few moments ago, Sunnie came into my room to tell me she had brought home some puppy chow that she made for the Stauff's 4th of July party. I was excited! Sunnie makes the best puppy chow. (It's CHEX cereal, coated in chocolate and peaunut butter, covered in powdered sugar.) She told me to go get some before it was gone. I went right down stairs, did some chores, and then grabbed a little handful of the puppy chow. Then my mom set in.

"Stop eating bad! Just stop!" I was like...huh? "Mom, I don't eat bad..." I attempted to say, but she disagreed. She said it was her responsibility to tell me when I was damaging myself. She was saying I am extremely unhealthy... is she supposed to be the role model for all that's healthy? HAH! So I said "Why do you say these things? YOu just make me feel bad about myself." And then she said "If you have to feel bad about yourself in order for you to stop being so unhealthy, then so be it."

I walked away, and then turned back to say one more thing. "Mom, I had a handful of puppy chow. I hardly think I'm on my way to a weight forced wheelchair. Leave me and my body alone." THen she replied:

"I didn't say anything about your body, but if you want to talk about THAT... well then. I have plenty to say." and I just... gosh. I said that was mean, and she said it wasn't, and that she said nothing wrong, and I always insit on turning her words into something negative. How is the above supposed to be taken, I wonder?

She's always been cruel about my weight. One thing about our house that's absolutely crazy...if it's edible, it's off limits. Every type of food we own is my mother's property. If you consume something without her consent, you have to hide the evidence. Sometimes I think I could be in the clear by eating something good, like baby carrots. Wrong. Those were for a stir fry, how dare I? I eat too many oranges, and I'm a greedy pig. And of course, if you touch any of the junk food? You're done for. That's all my mom's... and she eats it all, too! If there's ice cream in the freezer, and you touch it... oh... you are so dead. But... she only eats healthy things, and I'm going to die of severe obesity.

People think I'm kidding about that. When I was in Alabama, staying with BJ and his family... I didn't touch any of their food. I would pretty much only eat dinner, when it was handed to me on a plate. That's how it is here, so I guess that's just the way I've been conditioned. Then I realized I was abnormal when Debra would ask what I had eaten for lunch. I started feeling guilty for NOT eating... so I would say I wasn't hungry, claiming to have an upset stomach or something. The fear was just too great to consume something that might be someone else's property.

There were so many times BJ would grab something off of their counter, or a cupboard and eat it. A chocolate bar, a doughnut, a cupcake. I was appaled! He would laugh at me when I would say "That's not yours!" And he'd look at me like I was crazy. Then he would say "It is now." I would have been in serious trouble for doing something like that!

Yesterday, my mom bought ice cream sandwiches. She gave me a speech while I was doing the dishes. "Absolutely no one has any type of dessert in this house without my permission. I buy things for myself, and I never get any of it. If you want to eat something, you can buy it yourself." But if we do that? Mom gets angry, saying how dare we buy something for ourselves with no intent to share it with her?

So, she picks on me, on my body... always has. The jelly bean. Need I say more? Probably... to those of you who have no idea what I am talking about. Every day, I get out of the shower... and without even realizing it, I say this exact same thing to my reflection, and then move on. "You're disgusting." And I believe it. I can't stand the sight of my body. I'm ashamed of it.

So the blog quiz says I need help. That's interesting. I lost a lot of weight for evil once. At least that's what I call him. Now I have love, which is BJ. Why can't I do it for him? I go back and forth, back and forth. Lose a pound, gain two. I don't understand it... because I don't get to eat at home... but when I do eat, I'm so hungry that I overdo it. Skipping meals all the time ruins my metabolism... I know. It's so hard to erase all those years of conditioning. Especially since I'm still living with my mother.

Kelly lost 100 pounds when she was in Connecticut. She moves back to Minnesota, and gets a lot of it back. Why? My mother has a way of doing that to you. It's never good enough for mom. "Kelly, you don't want to slip. YOu don't want to stumble..." For years, I told mom to just let us be... let us be ourselves and we just might amaze her... instead of breathing down our necks every single day about what we're doing wrong. Kelly moved away, and look what happened? Good things. She comes back? Not so good things. Thanks, mommy.

Anyway... I know I have an extremely unhealthy attitude about myself... but it's really hard to conquer and control. I'm working on it.

My mom's food bans work a lot like the legal drinking ago. Kids in other countries have had alcohol around their entire lives. When they hit 21, they could care less. They're not becoming raging alcoholics just because they couldn't before. My mom has hid food from us our entire lives. No wonder we have weight issues. I go to someone else's house, and they offer me a cupcake... I'm gonna eat the cupcake. Not because I want it, but because I can never have it. SABOTAGE! Is that her plan? "Kelly, Corrie... you would be so beautiful if you were thin."

Well, enough of that for now. I'm gonna go hide from the mirror.

Happy Independence Day! Woot woot! Yeah...

My family hasn't gone to go see fireworks for years. So... I work tonight, and guess what they decide to do? Ergh. Oh, well. I get to be at CARIBOU! Where else would I want to be?? Bwa-ha-ha.

Pirates is coming out Friday.

I am going to go now. Sunnie brought treats.

Was that the most pointless entry ever? Possible...

I LOVE YOU BJ!

Happy Sunday! Or at least it will be. I woke up after a night of disturbing nightmares. I let the dogs out, ate some shredded wheat, and then watched Lethal Weapon 2 with my mom. Now it's housework time. Dad's working today, which is good...because he's not exactly speaking to me. That's always fun. That's always been one of his downfalls. He'll turn his back on a family member no questions asked, if someone else claims they did something bad. My mom would make him do that to me, and now Kelly. Spectacular! Who needs them? I do...

So we're supposed to have pork chops today. Kelly moved into her apartment and stayed there last night. I hope she enjoys it. She'll probably be here today. There will be some hostility thrown around, and I'll end up in my room...yay. Outcast ruins the day. It's not a negative attitude, I promise. Just a realistic one.

I wish BJ lived here, so I could be mroe like Sunnie. Sunnie is NEVER here. I hardly ever see her. She's like a ghost. She's always doing something with Paul. If BJ lived here, I'd probably always be doing something with him...when I'm not working.

When did I become the family loser? I did amazing things. Sunnie goes to school, and I help her with her homework... I could do college without college. Kelly goes and drops out, goes and drops out. She gets an apartment with no application process. My brother used to get straight D's and F's...he gets a B and gets a reward. I am the only child who got continuous straight A's throughout high school, so I never got rewarded. I would get in trouble if I dropped to a B... but never got rewarded.

What motivation did I have to continue? I guess that's my own fault. Right out of highschool, I went straight back to be the theater director. That's SPECTACULAR. I become the drama director at a church ALL BY MYSELF! I do things people wish they could do, but I don't have the oohs and ahhs of a stellar paycheck. Oh, Corrie. You're such a failure.

I leave this place, and have to come crawling back. That's why I'm my own personal failure, but what's their reason? My mom says I'm wasting my brain. How does she know? She doesn't know anything about what I do with it.

My dream is simple. Perhaps laughable to some, but it's always been the same. Since I was five years old... I would follow my mom around, immitating her housework. I had my own mini broom, my own mini mop. I wanted to be just like my mom. She took good care of us, she made the house sparkle. I became a neat freak at a very early age. I would watch my mom cook, and ask to help. I was the first child who learned how to make her enchiladas. I wanted to be just like my mom.

Granted, as I grew and my mom changed, I didn't really want to be like her at all. I want to be just like how my mom used to be.

I want to be a housewife. I don't have huge career ambitions. I don't want to be the woman executive on top of it all. I don't want to be an interior designer. I don't want to be in social work. I'm not my sisters. I want to have a husband, a home, and a family...and I want to take care of those three things, every day for the rest of my life.

Here comes the laughable part. IN my spare time, I'm going to write either one awesome novel, or a series of young adult fiction that will skyrocket into the public eye, and be turned into a series of highly successful motion pictures.

Laugh all you want, I'm a good writer. Not the descriptive genius that Kelly is. I make people laugh. And my plots are good. Not many people have gotten the chance to read any of it. I guess that's okay with me. It's hard being a writer's friend, I would imagine. They always want you to read their latest project. Oh, well. It took BJ months of me poking and prodding him to get him to read Channel 13. Maybe I'm NOT a good writer. Hmmm...

Anyway. Off to the library I go, I guess. I have a movie to return. I love the library. It's so quiet. No one can fight with me there.

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

I had coughing attacks all night last night. I wonder if anyone heard me. probably not. I woke up this morning, and every possible sadness was hanging over my head. It seeped into my bones, my muscles...I couldn't move. I lay there for hours. Bj called back and forth in between things he had to do. I read some things, I cleaned up my room. I didn't leave my bedroom until 12:30. I got yelled at for that.

I've felt like this before. Every time I have, I've ruined somebody's day. Last time it happened, my mom told me nobody wants to be around you when you're like this. So, I thought I would avoid it altogether. I just didn't come out of my room.

I'm just so sad. So many things seem so hopeless. I'm so scared of ruining what I don't even have! I don't want to say goodbye ever again to anyone. I've recently found so many people that I haven't talked to in a long time. I thought that would make it better. I thought I would be better. I'm still alone.

I stayed in my room so I would be liked for the rest of the day. My chest hurt from all the heaving. The air is thick and humid, and it seeps in and chokes me over and over again. I wish they understood how that felt. I'm not making it up.

I flipped my calendars over today. They had been in Alabama with me too. On the calendar this month are things that brought me to tears. Places I was supposed to be, things I was supposed to go to. I'm not a part of those memories to be made anymore. I'm here. On the calendar is written "1 yr first kiss" on July 11th. 2 days later is BJ's birthday. He'll be 23. July 22nd is BJ's grandparents 50th anniversary party. They had me mark it on my calendar months in advance, so I would be sure to go.

Today is Kelly's move in day. I walked downstairs once or twice. She was piling all of her belongings in the entry way. She's very excited. A couple of weeks ago, I was with Jessie Coffey. She was telling me about her new furniture she was getting. I asked her if Kelly could have the old stuff. She was going to give it to someone else, but I convinced her Kelly needed it more. I got my big sister some furniture.

The only thing Kelly asked me to do today was call Jessie. Jessie has an annoying ability to make me talk, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to pour out what was on my heart. I just wanted to be quiet. There's nothing wrong with that. I asked Kelly to call her herself, like she had said she would yesterday, and the day before. It wasn't my responsibility. True, my motivation for saying that was selfish. I didn't want to be probed. I just wanted silence. Plus, I didn't know when, how, or where, so i didn't know what information Kelly expected me to gain on her behalf by me making the phone call.

She god mad, complained to dad, they both were mad. Everyone was complaining about me. No one asked me to help, but they were furious that I wasn't helping. I just wanted to stay out of the way. I didn't want to make the day miserable, like mom says I do all the time. Do I really make everyone so unhappy?

I'm so unhappy. I'm compeltely miserable. God is saying wait to everything I ask him. God's timing, God's timing. I just have to wait for God's timing. No one seems to understand that I'm actually going through something right now... and I'm not out to ruin anybody's day, rather I'm just trying to get through it myself.

Kelly complained to mom and dad yet again about Alabama. She did everything for me, paid for everything, supported me to no end. YOU'RE WONDERFUL KELLY! YOU'RE PERFECT KELLY! YOU ARE THE BEST DARN SISTER IN THE WORLD! Are you happy now? Were you in the same apartment I was? The food you bought? You ate most of it. The gas you paid for? You were in the car for almost 100% of it. No, I didn't have any money, but financially is not the only way to support someone. I talked you through all of your hysterics, I supported your decisions with Benlee. I defended you to no end, I confronted Benlee about things while you stood off to the side. I went through Charlie Kendall for you. I did everything I could to make it better, I just didn't have the $$$ to flash in front of your face and prove that I was worth the air I breathed. SOOOOO sorry!

I am trying to make it up to her. I just wanted to hide from life today, I wasn't refusing to help anyone. No one asked me to! Dad called me down and said he just couldn't understand how selfish I was. Kelly had done absolutely everything for me in Alabama. He said I had no sense of honor. I owe her to no end, and yet I "refused" to help her. I got her the furniture, I didn't know how or when she wanted to pick it up, and I told her that...but she wouldn't respond. That's worth telling me I have no sense of honor? I am doing what I can. Buying you a Superman cup isn't paying your car payment, but it's what I can do. A millionaire can buy a house for the homeless...but if a homeless person gives a millionaire his only coat, which is the bigger gift? You had money, I didn't. YOu had over $1,000 and I had pennies. I did what I could. I gave you shifts. Money I desperately need to start paying people like YOU back... but I am TRYING to make it up to you.

You're never going to let the money thing go. I could pay you back every penny and you'd still hold it over me, about how much you've done for me, and how great you are. We all know, Kelly. You're just a broken record. Leave me alone. I can only give you what I have, and I don't have as much as you do. Quick...tell me again before I forget it. You're spectacular.

I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to keep getting my face shoved in the mud. YOu can keep telling everyone how much I let you down. Keep telling our PARENTS how much I owe you. Earn their favor over me, I don't care. To me it sounds like lies. They weren't in Alabama, I was. Everytime you paid for something, I said "YOu know I would do this if I could. I really appreciate this." and you would say "Don't worry, Corrie. I can cover it." Well...I guess I SHOULD have been worrying, huh? Who knew you would throw it back in my face again, and again, and again? I didn't have a choice. I had to beg everyone for everything. You think I liked that? I hate it when I owe people things for this exact reason. It makes you feel superior. Enjoy your pedestal, I'm fine here on the ground. SOOOO beneath you.

Please...just leave me alone. Everyone who thinks they've got something on me. Something I said, soemething I did, something you remember and I don't...I'm already broken. I just want to be happy...please please please. I just want to be with BJ. I just want to enjoy being in love, instead of being so miserable. All of this hostility flying around just makes me miss him more, and more... and it's literally killing me. I'm sick all the time. Sick with no doctors, so please...please? I just want to make it. Instead of pushing me down, can you just let me walk a few steps?

Thank you.

So... life, huh? Nothing to do but to live it. Life is what you make it? Crap. I haven't done such a good job then. Can I have a do-over? Nah... a lot of the stuff in my life is spectacular. I wouldn't give a lot of it up for the world. I would change it though. Alter it... make the impossible possible.

ANYWAY! Caribou is the same as it's always been. There's a possibility that I might leave it though. It's likely that I will get the job at Lakeshore Players. Aside from that, there's a possibilty of going back to Dunn Bros again. But a different one! A brand new one... it's beautiful. And Amber is there! WEE!!!!!!!!!!! So... more money, more hours. Sounds like a good thing. We'll see what happens with that. I'm not sure if it's a sure thing. We'll see.

I originally felt like writing a lot in here... now I just feel... blah. I saw Superman Returns. It was good. I guess that's all for now. I miss people.

I was gonna go ahead. I was going to make it. What am I doing now? Hiding. From what? Everything. The water is too cold, I'll stay on the shore, thank you. I try to swim and someone always screams SHARK! Why do I always believe them? Older and wiser, that's why. Why would they lie to me? Because they do. LIARS!!

"People make you promises they'll never keep. Soon you'll know why people say talk is cheap."

I wish I were a tug boat. I'm the big giant ship stuck on a sand bar. I wish I were a tug boat.

It's so easy to leave me behind. Why do I make it so easy? Go ahead. There are more important things to do. Why are you reading this? It's nonsense. Just the ramblings of invisibility. There's nothing to see here. Not unless you're me.

I could have. I should have. I would have, but I didn't. I don't know why, but I didn't. How did I get back to here? Back to then. Beginning/End.

BLAH BLAH BLAH. Take the sting away, time for today...a day, one way or another. I love you, BJ. Everyday.

Experiences fly around, and I can't seem to catch them. I get the used ones thrown in my face like dirty Kleenex. "You can have it now, I'm done with it. It's mangled and run down, but it will do. It's only you." Well, sure. Why invite me when it's new? It'll do, it's not for you. It's me. See?

Have fun without me. I'll be here waiting. Waiting to snatch a piece of your happy tranquility for myself. I'll bottle it and keep it under my pillow. Make a wish, make it billow.

I sent smoke signals today. I had no idea what to say. I stirred a pot of ashes. Shortly after that, it crashes. What? My eyelashes.

"Let me sleep, for when I sleep I dream that you are here, you're mine...and all my fears are left behind."

Yes, please. Pleas! I plea for thee! For me! For WE! Help...I can't see.

I can't predict the future. Hold still...this might hurt a little. You'll feel a pinch, don't move an inch. There, done. Now wasn't that fun?

Oh, yeah. A ton.

Please don't forget me. You're in my every thought. All of you. You make a knot. I can't forget, I won't. I don't. I need you all. I'm tall. I need support, or I'll fall.

What RENT song are you?

You're "What You Own." You often think your life isn't worth living, but occasionally, you remember what you really are put on this earth for... to live
Take this quiz!

So, I had a good weekend. Almost. It was much needed. I've been having a sort of tough time with life...dealing with it and what not. Missing BJ, depression, illness, the no money thing can get ya down... I just got real tired of my life.

I asked BJ Friday night, how can we change this? What if I can't make it? What if I can't keep doing this? How would we be able to change the situation. He said just to trust in the Lord, and he'll help us find a way. I know he's right, but at the same time... it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

The next morning brought on a lot of dread. I hadn't slept most of the night, every possible bad thought was endlessly invading my mind. I had somehow signed away my life for awhile, working from 7am to 11:30pm at the Bou'. Don't know how THAT happened, but it did. I wasn't thinking clearly, I dunno.

Everything had been mounting for awhile, so Saturday morning I had to sit myself down, and take some deep breaths, so I wouldn't just altogether explode. I set myself up for failure. I have Satan a way in. I said "I'll be able to make it if I'm not on front register." So I get there, and see that I'm on DT orders, which is FINE. But then Caity rushes back to change it, so she can have her sister where she wants to be instead. VERY wrong, but that's where I was stuck. I said "Caity, please don't do that. I have a sixteen and a half hour shift today!" She shrugged and brushed it off. That's when it all snowballed.

I couldn't function. I found myself walking intho the back room repeatedly, trying to stop the panic attack that had been trying to get out for weeks. I started hitting myself in the head, trying to knock out the screams. It wasn't working. I ended up sitting down and talking to Lauren for awhile, before calling BJ, trying to find that much needed comfort. Sometimes it all just gets to be too much. Why am I back here? Why isn't BJ with me? Why am I not with him? And then you think about all the medical issues that I can't afford, the fact that I've been working there for over a month without any paycheck... figured it would happen, right? I have a car payment due, I have meds to buy, I'm sick, I'm miserable, I'm lonely... I don't see anybody, and I can't figure out if that's the way I want it or not.

I'm turning into a total recluse. Sometimes I like it. I turn on a movie and pretend. I don't feel as alone then. The truth is, I think even if I was surrounded by people, I would still be lonely. I would be lonely for BJ. He's stronger than me, of course. But he's also the man. I'm the sappy woman.

After my panic attack subsided, I continued to work my never ending shift. The customers were steady right up until close, and I was nearly dead by the end. I was never happier to go home.

Saturday morning, I woke up way to early considering the events of the previous day. Up at 8, I ate some breakfast and decided to indulge in a bit of my childhood. I watched "The Little Mermaid" from start to finish, remembering how my kindergarten mind had interpreted the dialogue I didn't understand back then. That was fun.

Later that afternoon, my dad made good on a promise to take me camping. My, Dad, Mom, and Jamie all headed out to Jay Cooke state park, and found the most BEAUTIFUL camp site. Aside from setting up the tent in the backyard with friends, I hadn't been camping in years.

We set up camp and then went on a hike around the park. We lost Dad somewhere along the line. After the hike, we went and bought some food to cook on my dad's camp stove. It was so much fun. We had hot dogs and baked beans. True camp food.

Jamie and I shared one tent, my parents took the other. Jamie got a gushing bloody nose right when we got settled, so that wasn't pretty. He got blood EVERYWHERE in the tent.

The next morning we made bacon, eggs and toast. Yum! I caught up on my devotions while Jamie and Dad played guitar. After that, we packed up and headed out. We stopped at another state park on the way home, and went on a little mini hike along Kettle River.

NOw we're back, and I work tomorrow. I was supposed to work tonight, but I had someone cover for me.

I guess that's all for now, until something spectacular happens to me! Or...something...

You Are Royal Blue

People find you difficult to understand. In fact, you often find it hard to understand yourself. You think so much that sometimes you get lost in your own thoughts!

What Color Blue Are You?

Wow, I agree. This one actually works. That's me all right. ESPECIALLY the royal part. I'm not head peasant anymore! Beat THAT Pope! Dirt flinger...

It's fun finding random pictures on random discs in random places. I miss my cousins. Kyle and Zach. We used to be so close. They live in S. Carolina now. Kyle and I were best friends once. He called me Coco. Kyle and Coco. All Zach did back then was run around in his underwear with a towel around his neck, proclaiming he was the great and powerful "Zac-a-wee!" I used his tire swing without permission, so he found the biggest rock he could lift, and threw it at my foot. My pinky toe nail fell off... The great and powerful Zac-a-wee got in a "wot of twubble"... I really do miss them.

So, not much has changed, really. I'm sick a lot, though... and missing BJ really takes a toll after awhile. I'm tired all the time. But I'll stop whining, I promise. Today at Caribou absolutely sucked. It was really busy, and I was having lung issues...(can I get new ones already?) And I kept having coughing attacks. I had a million things to do, would ask for help...and people would look away and pretend they didn't even hear me. That was SO aggrivating! My only ally ended up being the most unlikely person ever! I would be completely bogged down, and there would eb people leaning against the wall, arms crossed, scowling at me going "Corrie, do you have that cooler yet? Where's the vanilla breve? I need three vanilla coolers and an oreo snowdrift!" And I would just look at them and say "Sorry, I can only do five things at once." Screen FULL of drinks, me alone on DT BAR!!! and then people on a power trip (no names mentioned) are telling me to make whips, get ice, and empty coffee urns. I DON'T THINK SO!

Anyway, I couldn't get out of there soon enough. I felt like so many parts of me were about to explode. I'm so tired of people smoking in the drive-thru. I end up wheezing the rest of my shift and sounding like a freak. Hack, cough, wheeze. I really AM a sickly kind of person. That sucks! I love my co-workers, but too many of them have superiority complexes. Makes me want to tear my face off. I was so overwhelmed, so tired, so sad, and so sick. I got out of there as soon as I could, collapsed in the car and just cried.

Life is hard right now, and everywhere I look I'm blasted in the face with another complication. I was informed I'm over 3 months away from health benefits. I'm barely keeping up with 20 hrs/week to GET the benefits, and you have to have that straight for 3 months. So even though I feel sick enough to go to a doctor, I can't GO to a doctor. It hasn't killed me yet, and I can still function like a semi-normal person.

I really really miss BJ. I just want him to hold me and never leave. That would be wonderful. Curl up and watch a movie with me, I want to lay my head on his shoulder with his arms around me, while he literally whispers "sweet nothings" into my ear. I want to disappear into yesterday until it's time for tomorrow.

Highlight, I get to be home with my family, yes true. Jamie cracks me up. He's currently rehearsing something that can only be referred to as an undoubted hidden track gem on his debut album. It's entitled "The Two Faced Cheating Lying Lawn Gnome". It's hilarious! He recorded it, and played it back high speed.

Well, that's enough complaining for one day. Life is tough. Get over it, right? I found a little name game thing, and decided to partake. Enjoy! And partake of as well if you so choose!

CIAO!



1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (middle name and current street name)
Erin Sharon

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME:(grandmother on mom's side, your favorite candy)
Beverly Dove

3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your last name)
C-Kil

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue Sheltie

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Erin St. Paul

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Kilergcod

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards)
Nire


8. PORN STAR NAME: (first pet, street you grew up on)
Snickers Ryan

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile your mom has)
The Blue PT Cruiser

I laughed... it was funny!

You Are 32% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Things are pretty okay, although I really miss BJ. I saw a movie today that I had been wanting to see for quite awhile. "The Lake House". It was so good! Or maybe I just loved it because I'm a girl, I dunno. Had all the things I loved about "Frequency" and more. It was a great love story. I just get so gushy when a man tells a woman he wants to take care of her. I want to be taken care of!

I cried like a baby toward the end, but made sure to get rid of the tears before the lights went up. Love stories used to make me sad because I didn't have anyone, now they make me sad because I have someone, and he's so far away!

I can't wait to stop feeling like I'm going backwards. Forwards please! Happily ever after, please. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, Caribou is Caribou. Busy busy busy. Same old same old. My two favorite regulars, Pat and Janine... they've been coming through my drive-thru since I started there back in November of 04'. ANYWAY. They love me, I love them. Pat calls me "Miss Alabama". Last weekend, Pat and Janine were headed to the opening and dedication of a new public park, in Stillwater, MN called Teddy Bear Park. Pat's brother-in-law had donated all the funds for the completion of the park, so Pat and Janine had volunteered to hand out teddy bears all day at the big celebration. They were telling me about it before they headed over there, and I begged them to bring me a bear if they had any left, since I had to work all day. They said they would, but I didn't believe them. Well, they came through today, and Pat was like "Miss Alabama! I was hoping you were working today! I have a present for you, dear!" And I was expecting the bears to be like little cheap beanie babies or something, but instead it was a really nice full size teddy bear...very very soft, wearing a sweater that says "Teddy Bear Park, Stillwater" with a paw on it. I was the envy of all my co-workers. (all girls, of course) They all wanted a bear, but apparently I'm the only one who takes the time to flirt with old men and make splenda jokes...I get rewarded, my friends. Naw, they're my pals! And they love me.

Sometimes it feels like my customers are my only friends...sad, sniffle sniffle. I always feel appreciated when they ask for me by name. I love to be loved!

ANYWAY...that's all for now. More later!

ME!