A lot happens in a day. I'm not as strong and resilient as I thought I was. There have been a lot of lessons learned, and still a lot that I personally have to learn. Attacked by invisible forces in the middle of the night, waking to new questions. Last night, after talking to BJ for a couple hours, it took me awhile to fall asleep. But when I did, it was dreamless for the first time in a long time. I was really happy.

I'm having the hardest time with another issue. Something I used to be proud of. My ability to forgive. Is a good memory a curse? I really think it is. It makes it too hard to forget. Forgiving becomes harder. You can recall every tear, every frown, every ache of desperation. You remember how you felt defeated. You can't forget how alone you felt. Everything stays, nothing goes. Every time you try to "see the light" your memory blasts you with darkness. "Remember when..." is sad now. I have to find another way.


...Dear God...


This pain goes on
Deep inside my heart
Changing all that I knew
This feels so wrong
I'm tired of being angry
But tell me what do I do?
I feel betrayed
And completely overcome
This is the hardest thing I've ever done

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand, to know that
Your plan is something
That I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me.

We're all afraid
Silenced by the fear
Of the mistakes that were made
I call, I pray
Lord help me to remember
That everybody breaks
Fill me
With Your Spirit and your words
Give me the heart to heal
And not to hurt

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand, to know that
Your plan is something
That I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me.


AMEN.

"FORGIVE" -REAL LIFE
-rj helton, stephanie lewis, dennis matkosky