| Star Wars Horoscope for Sagittarius |
 You are superbly wise and have been known to spread your wisdom widely. You are impatient and pushy when people take your teachings too lightly. And your philosophical side always peeks through. Star wars character you are most like: Yoda |
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Well...let's see. I have a lot to say I think...we'll see what happens. We are no longer going to New York. I think it's a good thing though. Kelly is instead going by herself, because she can actually afford to do it. BJ and I are spending the week doing stuff around good ol' WBL. He can see where I work now, we can do the things we didn't have time for in the past...I think it's valuable. Had we decided on going to New York, we wouldn't have been able to spend one single second on our own. With our relationship being how it is, that alone time is kinda crucial right now. He gets here March 25th! I can't wait!
FLC is finally getting the drama program up and running. They're gonna let me call it Plan See! The website will have a real function! Color me excited! It's gonna be a lot of work, but I am so ready for it!
The new job at Dunn Bros. is working out pretty well. For awhile I wasn't so sure. It's really awesome to see Amber on a regular basis, but there were a few very resistant employees. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. There were a lot of rumors and crazy accusations flying around, and I was actually being referred to as the "NAZI"!!! Isn't that hilarious? To anyone who knows me...it's quite funny. And it was all just rumors! None of them had actually worked with me! They would trade their shifts because they were too afraid! I laugh. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Last night I went back to work three hours after my shift to help Amber with the price adjustments on all the menu boards. It was fun just hanging out and stuff like that, but after awhile some awkward subjects came into the conversation. For quite awhile now, Amber has been filling me in on the latest goings on with her wedding. I couldn't be happier for her! Of course...I wish it were me...but that's just how it goes. Talk of bridesmaid dresses, her maid of honor, the invitations, the napkins, the flower girl... and then there's me, wishing that I would have meant more to her to have been involved in all of it. But I've done the same thing with Amber that I've done with every other friend I've ever had.
I like to pretend that we're closer than we are. Sometimes I just sit by myself and think about all the people I've ever known in my entire life...and put them in a mental list. Where do they fall on how close we really are? How much can I depend on them? How much can they depend on me? Amber has told me all about her maid of honor, Bridget. She is the most loyal person Amber has ever known. No matter what, Bridget is there for her friends. I thought about me...and how I am with my friends. I'd like to think I'm a Bridget...but I've never had anyone test that theory. No one has ever been close enough.
For weeks now I've just pushed agonizing thought aside, and was residing happily in the idea that I was being included at all! But then Amber decided to tell me that she really DOES want me to be involved, and has wanted me to be involved... but didn't know how or in what capacity. Also that even before I worked with her, she was hoping I would. She knew that both managers could not just disappear for a weekend for a wedding. Maybe she thought that by asking, I would have turned down the job to preserve my "friend status" in her wedding.
I've always had a hard idea that I could ever be a somebody to anybody. She asked me who I think I am, and why I think I'm a nobody, and the best I could come up with was "I'm just me" as if that would justify why I truly whole heartedly believe that I have no astounding quality about myself that would make me absolutely necessary to anyone...in any function!
I can't stress enough how heart breaking it was to attend...just ATTEND Lurae's wedding. I was once her very best friend. Granted I was replaced time and time again...but to have just been a guest...? I couldn't breathe through the entire ceremony. I practically broke BJ's hand trying to keep it all down, deep inside. Wear the smile, hide the sob. I know it will be the same with Nikki. I was an extremely relevant SOMEBODY to her at one point...and I will be a guest at best.
I hold onto people too tight. Even when they are done with me completely...I still feel left out. I still remember every detail of how it was and think about how it would have could have been. I've tried to figure out what it is about me that makes me such a temporary fixture in people's lives.
When I told Amber that I was just me...a nobody to most, she reminded me that I was a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend...and my mind had an instant rebuttal to every objection. I am a daughter. No matter how many times I have introduced myself to extended family members, I am known strictly as Penny's daughter. I am a sister. To this DAY there are people in every single aspect of my life that refer to me as not Corrie, but as Sunnie's sister. Kelly's sister. Why even try? I am a girlfriend. It wasn't long ago that that identity was completely compromised, when BJ fought with the idea that he no longer loved me. I was almost a nobody to him as well.
I'm not as down and out as all that. I have healthy attitudes about many different avenues...it's when these thoughts are brought up by someone else, that I find it difficult to escape. Hence the writing. Get it out, and get it done.
To become a somebody, I have left the nobody behind. I've lived in different states, looking for consistent validation. Living alone in Opelika probably lead to the demise of the Alabama endeavor, simply because I was exactly that! Alone. I used to boast my ability to entertain myself. I loved the quiet. Not anymore... I enjoy "down time" but being involved in a long distance relationship really heightens your sense of loneliness.
I've also started projects that involve no one who has ever made me feel invisible. It's just me! FLC drama program...no drama allowed? Ha! That would be funny.
One tough pill to swallow is that some of the things I always counted on, are just never going to happen. When I moved to WBL in 4th grade, I imagined having a best friend like I did in Roseville. Call each other every single day, spend the night every weekend... grow up together. Like in the books and movies I always adored growing up. That way, everyone would always have a someone! No one would ever be alone. So many times, I've watched Nikki and company par-tay across the street. It's not always strictly family, as I've seen fellow ex-best friend LuRae frequent many Grandparent hosted occasions. One day, while listening to them laugh...I thought to myself. "Oh well...maybe later" A good thought. A comforting thought. A common thought. It was then I realized that later had already happened. My chance for that kind of friendship is already gone. It was really depressing. *laughs*
Slowly but surely other realizations have brought themselves upon me. While listening to Amber talk about her big day, it's come to my attention that I'll never be a maid of honor. I'm not that ONE person to anyone. Kelly might say I am, but I'm her sister. It just isn't...the same. Before I left for Alabama, Amber and I agreed that had we known each other beforehand...we very well could have been best friends. But that's the story of me! Could have been...
This isn't all about Amber. This is every relationship I've ever had! Growing up...I never really changed. So I got boring. That's my explanation anyway. Best friend Sarah traded me in time and time again. I lost count of the GIGANTIC arguments we've had over the years. She would come around and ask me to forgive her, and I would, and we'd be pals again...for awhile. But she moved on to a completely different lifestyle...one that I would never fit into.
Nikki is a world traveler, and no matter how many times she complained about the hurt LuRae seemed to inflict on her, they remain best friends to this day. Each other's maids of honor. (Nikki might argue that her sister will be her MOH, but I guarantee LuRae will be heavily be involved. I however, will make the guest list. That's just the way it is.) Granted they've both grown up... they were different people back then.
When mom got sick everyone disappeared, and it was my turn to trade up and trade in. I went to the ever popular theater crowd. When I realized they were actors on AND off the stage, they all shunned me for eternity. Oh well...I think I like it better that way. I couldn't deal with disappointing them day in and day out with my tragically mundane personality. And I am not good at pretending to be THAT girl.
After said sickness...I never recovered. I have trust issues to the max, and will never quite be able to figure out anyone true intentions. I'm always looking for a back story...and probably missing the big picture altogether. I'm cursed!
I have BJ...and after our crash and burn in September...I'm still trying to walk straight. Every day is a struggle to try to look past the past. I love him.
Well...now that a new mini novel has presented itself...I think I will now go shower, and shake all these deep thoughts out of my brain. Time for work soon. I need to re-adopt the happy go lucky Corrie. The funny one. Nobody likes the deep one. We learned that lesson in the teenage years, didn't we Corrie? Yes we did. Notice the lack of poetry journals. Ha! Good thing I wrote in pencil. They're almost completely rubbed away now. That's one version of me I'm honestly glad is invisible.
TTFN.
FLC is finally getting the drama program up and running. They're gonna let me call it Plan See! The website will have a real function! Color me excited! It's gonna be a lot of work, but I am so ready for it!
The new job at Dunn Bros. is working out pretty well. For awhile I wasn't so sure. It's really awesome to see Amber on a regular basis, but there were a few very resistant employees. I felt like I was being treated unfairly. There were a lot of rumors and crazy accusations flying around, and I was actually being referred to as the "NAZI"!!! Isn't that hilarious? To anyone who knows me...it's quite funny. And it was all just rumors! None of them had actually worked with me! They would trade their shifts because they were too afraid! I laugh. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
Last night I went back to work three hours after my shift to help Amber with the price adjustments on all the menu boards. It was fun just hanging out and stuff like that, but after awhile some awkward subjects came into the conversation. For quite awhile now, Amber has been filling me in on the latest goings on with her wedding. I couldn't be happier for her! Of course...I wish it were me...but that's just how it goes. Talk of bridesmaid dresses, her maid of honor, the invitations, the napkins, the flower girl... and then there's me, wishing that I would have meant more to her to have been involved in all of it. But I've done the same thing with Amber that I've done with every other friend I've ever had.
I like to pretend that we're closer than we are. Sometimes I just sit by myself and think about all the people I've ever known in my entire life...and put them in a mental list. Where do they fall on how close we really are? How much can I depend on them? How much can they depend on me? Amber has told me all about her maid of honor, Bridget. She is the most loyal person Amber has ever known. No matter what, Bridget is there for her friends. I thought about me...and how I am with my friends. I'd like to think I'm a Bridget...but I've never had anyone test that theory. No one has ever been close enough.
For weeks now I've just pushed agonizing thought aside, and was residing happily in the idea that I was being included at all! But then Amber decided to tell me that she really DOES want me to be involved, and has wanted me to be involved... but didn't know how or in what capacity. Also that even before I worked with her, she was hoping I would. She knew that both managers could not just disappear for a weekend for a wedding. Maybe she thought that by asking, I would have turned down the job to preserve my "friend status" in her wedding.
I've always had a hard idea that I could ever be a somebody to anybody. She asked me who I think I am, and why I think I'm a nobody, and the best I could come up with was "I'm just me" as if that would justify why I truly whole heartedly believe that I have no astounding quality about myself that would make me absolutely necessary to anyone...in any function!
I can't stress enough how heart breaking it was to attend...just ATTEND Lurae's wedding. I was once her very best friend. Granted I was replaced time and time again...but to have just been a guest...? I couldn't breathe through the entire ceremony. I practically broke BJ's hand trying to keep it all down, deep inside. Wear the smile, hide the sob. I know it will be the same with Nikki. I was an extremely relevant SOMEBODY to her at one point...and I will be a guest at best.
I hold onto people too tight. Even when they are done with me completely...I still feel left out. I still remember every detail of how it was and think about how it would have could have been. I've tried to figure out what it is about me that makes me such a temporary fixture in people's lives.
When I told Amber that I was just me...a nobody to most, she reminded me that I was a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend...and my mind had an instant rebuttal to every objection. I am a daughter. No matter how many times I have introduced myself to extended family members, I am known strictly as Penny's daughter. I am a sister. To this DAY there are people in every single aspect of my life that refer to me as not Corrie, but as Sunnie's sister. Kelly's sister. Why even try? I am a girlfriend. It wasn't long ago that that identity was completely compromised, when BJ fought with the idea that he no longer loved me. I was almost a nobody to him as well.
I'm not as down and out as all that. I have healthy attitudes about many different avenues...it's when these thoughts are brought up by someone else, that I find it difficult to escape. Hence the writing. Get it out, and get it done.
To become a somebody, I have left the nobody behind. I've lived in different states, looking for consistent validation. Living alone in Opelika probably lead to the demise of the Alabama endeavor, simply because I was exactly that! Alone. I used to boast my ability to entertain myself. I loved the quiet. Not anymore... I enjoy "down time" but being involved in a long distance relationship really heightens your sense of loneliness.
I've also started projects that involve no one who has ever made me feel invisible. It's just me! FLC drama program...no drama allowed? Ha! That would be funny.
One tough pill to swallow is that some of the things I always counted on, are just never going to happen. When I moved to WBL in 4th grade, I imagined having a best friend like I did in Roseville. Call each other every single day, spend the night every weekend... grow up together. Like in the books and movies I always adored growing up. That way, everyone would always have a someone! No one would ever be alone. So many times, I've watched Nikki and company par-tay across the street. It's not always strictly family, as I've seen fellow ex-best friend LuRae frequent many Grandparent hosted occasions. One day, while listening to them laugh...I thought to myself. "Oh well...maybe later" A good thought. A comforting thought. A common thought. It was then I realized that later had already happened. My chance for that kind of friendship is already gone. It was really depressing. *laughs*
Slowly but surely other realizations have brought themselves upon me. While listening to Amber talk about her big day, it's come to my attention that I'll never be a maid of honor. I'm not that ONE person to anyone. Kelly might say I am, but I'm her sister. It just isn't...the same. Before I left for Alabama, Amber and I agreed that had we known each other beforehand...we very well could have been best friends. But that's the story of me! Could have been...
This isn't all about Amber. This is every relationship I've ever had! Growing up...I never really changed. So I got boring. That's my explanation anyway. Best friend Sarah traded me in time and time again. I lost count of the GIGANTIC arguments we've had over the years. She would come around and ask me to forgive her, and I would, and we'd be pals again...for awhile. But she moved on to a completely different lifestyle...one that I would never fit into.
Nikki is a world traveler, and no matter how many times she complained about the hurt LuRae seemed to inflict on her, they remain best friends to this day. Each other's maids of honor. (Nikki might argue that her sister will be her MOH, but I guarantee LuRae will be heavily be involved. I however, will make the guest list. That's just the way it is.) Granted they've both grown up... they were different people back then.
When mom got sick everyone disappeared, and it was my turn to trade up and trade in. I went to the ever popular theater crowd. When I realized they were actors on AND off the stage, they all shunned me for eternity. Oh well...I think I like it better that way. I couldn't deal with disappointing them day in and day out with my tragically mundane personality. And I am not good at pretending to be THAT girl.
After said sickness...I never recovered. I have trust issues to the max, and will never quite be able to figure out anyone true intentions. I'm always looking for a back story...and probably missing the big picture altogether. I'm cursed!
I have BJ...and after our crash and burn in September...I'm still trying to walk straight. Every day is a struggle to try to look past the past. I love him.
Well...now that a new mini novel has presented itself...I think I will now go shower, and shake all these deep thoughts out of my brain. Time for work soon. I need to re-adopt the happy go lucky Corrie. The funny one. Nobody likes the deep one. We learned that lesson in the teenage years, didn't we Corrie? Yes we did. Notice the lack of poetry journals. Ha! Good thing I wrote in pencil. They're almost completely rubbed away now. That's one version of me I'm honestly glad is invisible.
TTFN.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
SO! Lots has happened. BJ did a good job summing up some stuff. Check out his livejournal. (Link to the right) Aside from that, I am no longer a Caribou employee...and at the moment, no longer a Lakeshore Players employee. I am now the new assistant manager of Dunn Bros. in Hugo. Laugh all you want! At least I didn't go back to the same store! AND...the benefits are nice. AND...I get to work with AMBER!!!! She's technically my boss, but...she's also like...my bestest pal! So it's GREAT!
What else is going on? Oh yeah. Kelly, BJ and I are driving to New York at the end of March. I think. Money is up in the air, travel accomodations yet to be made. Although we would be staying with the Pomeroys for FREE so that's fantastic.
I don't feel as dead anymore, working the 12 hours. I'm sure the money will be less, but I've only been doing it for a week. We'll see what happens!
And now, since I have nothing better to do... I shall post a random picture!
That's Cairo getting a bath! So that's all folks! I shall be more interesting later.
What else is going on? Oh yeah. Kelly, BJ and I are driving to New York at the end of March. I think. Money is up in the air, travel accomodations yet to be made. Although we would be staying with the Pomeroys for FREE so that's fantastic.
I don't feel as dead anymore, working the 12 hours. I'm sure the money will be less, but I've only been doing it for a week. We'll see what happens!
And now, since I have nothing better to do... I shall post a random picture!
That's Cairo getting a bath! So that's all folks! I shall be more interesting later.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Weirdness in the air....do do do do do, weirdness everywhere.... what, you can't hear the melody in my head? Well, that's just too bad for you then!
I am so overly tired. And it's only TUESDAY! This week will be different. Friday is that day where I get older. Then there's next week. I leave for Alabama on Thursday. Then it's MERRY CHRISTMAS with BJ!! Our first together. It will be...good to experience it.
I really don't have all that much to say other than how much my inner narrations can amuse me. I wish my thoughts were audible at times, just so they could be recorded and recognized by somebody else. Then everyone would know the TRUTH about me! Yikerby! But that would be hilarious.
So that's all I've got. 24 minutes and counting until this work day is over.
Later taters!!
I am so overly tired. And it's only TUESDAY! This week will be different. Friday is that day where I get older. Then there's next week. I leave for Alabama on Thursday. Then it's MERRY CHRISTMAS with BJ!! Our first together. It will be...good to experience it.
I really don't have all that much to say other than how much my inner narrations can amuse me. I wish my thoughts were audible at times, just so they could be recorded and recognized by somebody else. Then everyone would know the TRUTH about me! Yikerby! But that would be hilarious.
So that's all I've got. 24 minutes and counting until this work day is over.
Later taters!!
Friday, November 24, 2006
Photos from the JAMES LAFFERTY event!
First, the Man himself!
Then, the lovely autographed sweatshirt!!
And last, but not least, just because I was SOOO disgusted,... The mall was SO busy, they had no one there to empty the trash! If you think this is bad, you should have seen the food court floor! AHHHH!
That's all for now! Bye!
First, the Man himself!
Then, the lovely autographed sweatshirt!!
And last, but not least, just because I was SOOO disgusted,... The mall was SO busy, they had no one there to empty the trash! If you think this is bad, you should have seen the food court floor! AHHHH!
That's all for now! Bye!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
BLAH! I'm exhausted. Just thought I'd share. The hilarity of yesterday has worn off. But if you could have seen where I found the tablecloth. And if you could have witnessed Sunnie bashing her face into a window! (No, Sunnie...it WASN'T rolled down...) then you would understand why it was so hysterical.
But today...today is blah. Filled to the brim with blahness. I haven't written in awhile. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I'll write. Honesty seems all too frequent with exhaustion is ever lurking. It manipulates your brain into thinking it's perfectly fine to say whatever is on your mind. You would find me wondering the strangest of strange things. That is, if I said EVERYTHING that was on my mind.
I'm a good person. A nice person. A worthwhile person? Some say yes. I like those people. My eyes are heavy. Maybe I'll just take them out. Then I don't have to see anymore! I don't seem to appreciate the beauties like I used to. I need new ones. Sights unseen! Unseen to me, and that's all that matters.
I scared someone again with my memory today. I'm cursed. Or everyone who has ever had any contact with me whatsoever is cursed. Either way works, I guess.
So now that I've written an entry about absolutely NOTHING... I guess I should "get back to work"...seeing as how "work" right now consists of little else than staring blankly at the odd shade of blue adorning the box office walls. I thought the phone would be ringing off the hook! This is the only day we're open this week. Interesting, yes? I enjoy the idea! I get to go sleep after Caribou! And Thanksgiving is an all day off-er. YES!!! Time to watch the parade and preview all the new Broadway shows. Why am I more excited about these things than Kelly every year?
Side note...or side ramble, rather. I took Sunnie on November 11th to meet her heartthrob, James Lafferty. I'm the BEST sister ever! Well, I was that day at least. Complete with severe digestion issues. We need not go there...but God Bless IHOP! (I've never been there before... I bet the food is good. All I experienced was the throne of sweet relief!) ---gross Corrie.
So! There it is, folks. Christmas is coming up, and it will be my first without my family. A new family, rather...will I be spending it with. Me and BJ will be celebrating our first Christmas together. He has quite a few romantic things planned for us. I haven't seen him since the hiccups, so I'm looking forward to letting go of it all once and for all...I can't wait to heave that giant sigh of relief when everything reveals itself to be as it should be! There's no real reason to think that shouldn't happen. I'm optimistic!
So now I go. Goodbye then!
But today...today is blah. Filled to the brim with blahness. I haven't written in awhile. I think it's because I'm afraid of what I'll write. Honesty seems all too frequent with exhaustion is ever lurking. It manipulates your brain into thinking it's perfectly fine to say whatever is on your mind. You would find me wondering the strangest of strange things. That is, if I said EVERYTHING that was on my mind.
I'm a good person. A nice person. A worthwhile person? Some say yes. I like those people. My eyes are heavy. Maybe I'll just take them out. Then I don't have to see anymore! I don't seem to appreciate the beauties like I used to. I need new ones. Sights unseen! Unseen to me, and that's all that matters.
I scared someone again with my memory today. I'm cursed. Or everyone who has ever had any contact with me whatsoever is cursed. Either way works, I guess.
So now that I've written an entry about absolutely NOTHING... I guess I should "get back to work"...seeing as how "work" right now consists of little else than staring blankly at the odd shade of blue adorning the box office walls. I thought the phone would be ringing off the hook! This is the only day we're open this week. Interesting, yes? I enjoy the idea! I get to go sleep after Caribou! And Thanksgiving is an all day off-er. YES!!! Time to watch the parade and preview all the new Broadway shows. Why am I more excited about these things than Kelly every year?
Side note...or side ramble, rather. I took Sunnie on November 11th to meet her heartthrob, James Lafferty. I'm the BEST sister ever! Well, I was that day at least. Complete with severe digestion issues. We need not go there...but God Bless IHOP! (I've never been there before... I bet the food is good. All I experienced was the throne of sweet relief!) ---gross Corrie.
So! There it is, folks. Christmas is coming up, and it will be my first without my family. A new family, rather...will I be spending it with. Me and BJ will be celebrating our first Christmas together. He has quite a few romantic things planned for us. I haven't seen him since the hiccups, so I'm looking forward to letting go of it all once and for all...I can't wait to heave that giant sigh of relief when everything reveals itself to be as it should be! There's no real reason to think that shouldn't happen. I'm optimistic!
So now I go. Goodbye then!
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Silly, but I had to...
Corrie
&
Robert
&
Robert
90% Compatible
♥ Corrie and Robert have been romantically-together for awhile now, indicating a degree of compatibility. Similar personality descriptions are a plus. Their shared faith will help form a bond between them. They both abstain from drinking, so that helps compatibility. However, their astrological signs are not in harmony. But their views on children are similar. Overall, Corrie and Robert are highly compatible. They are capable of having a beautiful relationship together. ♥
The Dating Compatibility Test by Dating Diversions
The Dating Compatibility Test by Dating Diversions
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Greetings and Salutations! Happy Birthday to my Mother! Oh, yes. It is that day. I got home from the Bou this morning, and she was less than happy. Quite teary eyed by the fact that Grandpa used to call her on her birthday every year while she drank her morning coffee. It became my mission to cheer her, so I gave her one of three presents, and danced along with the "Happy Birthday Dancing Hampster".... DEFINITELY got a laugh! Woot woot!
So I work a lot, and I'm tired. And it's snowing! It's not staying on the ground yet, but it's getting there. Certainly seems cold enough to stick! But we're not there yet.
Another possible roommate situation has come up...we'll see what happens with that. I'm not so sure.
We're going to Olive Garden tonight! I've been wanting to go there since I was in Alabama. We failed that mission, but here we are! The time has come! We go every year for Mom's birthday. Last year I treated Mom AND Dad. I'm nice. This year...I shall treat myself and no one else! Go me!!!!!!!!!!
This is truly a pointless entry. I miss people. I miss BJ, I miss Jessi. I miss Nikki. I miss my head when it's NOT aching! Does that count? I think so!
So that's all I got for now. Except a question. How can anyone watch someone they love get hurt, contribute to that hurt, and then shrug it off saying it has no affect on themselves? I'll never understand that...never ever ever never ever.
Over and out -- me
So I work a lot, and I'm tired. And it's snowing! It's not staying on the ground yet, but it's getting there. Certainly seems cold enough to stick! But we're not there yet.
Another possible roommate situation has come up...we'll see what happens with that. I'm not so sure.
We're going to Olive Garden tonight! I've been wanting to go there since I was in Alabama. We failed that mission, but here we are! The time has come! We go every year for Mom's birthday. Last year I treated Mom AND Dad. I'm nice. This year...I shall treat myself and no one else! Go me!!!!!!!!!!
This is truly a pointless entry. I miss people. I miss BJ, I miss Jessi. I miss Nikki. I miss my head when it's NOT aching! Does that count? I think so!
So that's all I got for now. Except a question. How can anyone watch someone they love get hurt, contribute to that hurt, and then shrug it off saying it has no affect on themselves? I'll never understand that...never ever ever never ever.
Over and out -- me
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
I'm sick and miserable. I'm miserable and sick! My throat is closing up, and my nose is running, and I have to have customers hold on the phone whilst I blow the crapload of snot out of my nose. It all came on like a tsunami! I didn't see it coming! This morning I sniffed a bit...but I always do! I blew my nose like I always do! It's called allergies! And now I'm miserable. Sick and miserable. Miserable and sick! BAH!
ANYWAY... life is etting back to its mundane cycle of blahness. It's shaken up by the occasional rude customer, or "Caroline Antic". She cracks me up... The things she says! We laugh. it is good.
There have been struggles lately. Struggles worth working on, things worth fighting for. I just wish everything didn't have to be so hard! BAH AGAIN!
There is a Sheltie kidnapper on the loose! Laugh all you want, it's true. Five shelties have disappeared from my neighborhood in the last year. (3 in the last few months...It's on the news!!) We're a prime target! Most of them have disappeared from parks and whatnot... and we're lazy and don't take our dogs places that often. They run around in circles in our square of a backyard and sexually confuse each other. It's true! Or maybe it's just Cody...but he's trying to take Cairo down with him. It's the truth! So...we love our doggies. Don't take them, Sheltie napper! Cody will bite you. Darla will flog you. Winnie will spew her rancid breath in your general direction and knock you out cold. Cairo will love you to death.
One hour to go here at the Lakeshore Players. Tonight are the auditions for "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe." I wanted so badly to be the White Witch and traumatize all the small children! Woe is me... the majority of the performances take place during box office hours, because it's the "Holiday Show" and they do school matinees. BOO! That means I have to do my JOB!! Once more with feeling.... BAH BAH BAH! Heheh...bah bah black sheep...no not really.
Is it wrong to find your younger brother attractive? Not in a "I'm attracted to him" kind of way, but the way that says I can appreciate the fact that he is good looking AND related to me! He looks nothing like me...he just got a haircut, and he looks like a man. That's better than a boy...that's a man. Manly man.
Everything in life right now, feels slippery. Does that make sense? Everytime you think you've got a firm hold on something, you slip a little. You don't necessarily lose it, you just slide around, and you can't stay still, no matter how hard you try. Things keep changing and slipping around on you. Like those water snake toys. Those things drive me crazy! You squeeze them, and they slip away that much easier. Argh. So...don't hold on too tight, or too loose. Find the happy medium! Go with the flow! Enjoy the slip n' slide. Sooner or later you get to the cool splash down pool, right? Only if you're on the Crocodile Mile. Dude, I wanna be a kid again. A kid who was so NOT self conscious, who would slip and slide her life away in a bathing suit...who now wears a tent so she can hide. I love childhood. Boo-hoo. Cry cry.
My throat hurts. Really hurts. I keep gagging because it feels like I'm choking on throat chunks. I don't know what that might be...throat chunks. Sounds gross though! The sides of my throat swell into chunkiness, and then they touch, and my throat thinks it's choking, and it gags. GAG! See? It just happened.
I love you, BJ. Please prove me wrong.
I'm gonna go make me some more honey water. Ouchness. Bye.
-ME!!!!!
ANYWAY... life is etting back to its mundane cycle of blahness. It's shaken up by the occasional rude customer, or "Caroline Antic". She cracks me up... The things she says! We laugh. it is good.
There have been struggles lately. Struggles worth working on, things worth fighting for. I just wish everything didn't have to be so hard! BAH AGAIN!
There is a Sheltie kidnapper on the loose! Laugh all you want, it's true. Five shelties have disappeared from my neighborhood in the last year. (3 in the last few months...It's on the news!!) We're a prime target! Most of them have disappeared from parks and whatnot... and we're lazy and don't take our dogs places that often. They run around in circles in our square of a backyard and sexually confuse each other. It's true! Or maybe it's just Cody...but he's trying to take Cairo down with him. It's the truth! So...we love our doggies. Don't take them, Sheltie napper! Cody will bite you. Darla will flog you. Winnie will spew her rancid breath in your general direction and knock you out cold. Cairo will love you to death.
One hour to go here at the Lakeshore Players. Tonight are the auditions for "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe." I wanted so badly to be the White Witch and traumatize all the small children! Woe is me... the majority of the performances take place during box office hours, because it's the "Holiday Show" and they do school matinees. BOO! That means I have to do my JOB!! Once more with feeling.... BAH BAH BAH! Heheh...bah bah black sheep...no not really.
Is it wrong to find your younger brother attractive? Not in a "I'm attracted to him" kind of way, but the way that says I can appreciate the fact that he is good looking AND related to me! He looks nothing like me...he just got a haircut, and he looks like a man. That's better than a boy...that's a man. Manly man.
Everything in life right now, feels slippery. Does that make sense? Everytime you think you've got a firm hold on something, you slip a little. You don't necessarily lose it, you just slide around, and you can't stay still, no matter how hard you try. Things keep changing and slipping around on you. Like those water snake toys. Those things drive me crazy! You squeeze them, and they slip away that much easier. Argh. So...don't hold on too tight, or too loose. Find the happy medium! Go with the flow! Enjoy the slip n' slide. Sooner or later you get to the cool splash down pool, right? Only if you're on the Crocodile Mile. Dude, I wanna be a kid again. A kid who was so NOT self conscious, who would slip and slide her life away in a bathing suit...who now wears a tent so she can hide. I love childhood. Boo-hoo. Cry cry.
My throat hurts. Really hurts. I keep gagging because it feels like I'm choking on throat chunks. I don't know what that might be...throat chunks. Sounds gross though! The sides of my throat swell into chunkiness, and then they touch, and my throat thinks it's choking, and it gags. GAG! See? It just happened.
I love you, BJ. Please prove me wrong.
I'm gonna go make me some more honey water. Ouchness. Bye.
-ME!!!!!
Saturday, September 23, 2006
This has been a terrible week, and it isn't even over yet. One more day, then back to work. I don't even know what to do anymore.
The funeral was beautiful, and terrible. So many tears. I don't even know how to describe it. Every breath hurt. It was a different kind of pain. I had to keep reminding myself that he was actually gone. There was no casket, only pictures. I had to keep looking at the pictures to remember who I was supposed to be remembering. It couldn't be my Grandpa! He's invincible. He's a rock. People knew him as a brother, as a father, and as a cousin, or a husband. No one spoke about him as a Grandpa. I wanted to stand up there and tell them he did magic. That he amazed me! He was my hero. He always told me I was beautiful, and he was the only person who ever said that that I truly wanted to believe.
I have a lot of memories of my Grandpa, and since I was his grandchild, they were only good memories. I didn't know him as the once upon a time alcoholic... I knew him as GRANDPA! At least that's what we would all scream when he would pull up in his town car.
He used to live close. Then he moved to Arizona. That's why it's hard to believe he's gone. I didn't get to see him more than once a year... but I treasured those times.
He took me home with him once. 3 day road trip. I got to eat refried beans for breakfast in Sedona. He took me in the desert to collect junk. We found a lot. We made a sculpture. I was the only grandchild to do it, but that's because I adored him, and I invited myself. I weaseled my way into the position of importance. Being one of 5 kids, it's hard to feel special to a relative...so I would make THEM feel special, and I became the favorite. The forced favorite, but the favorite nonetheless.
I was also a big fan of "Grandma Isabelle" Grandpa's third wife. No one compares to my Grammy, but Isabelle takes the place of my crappy Grandma on the other side. (Killmers) She was with Grandpa through his last breath. I hate cancer.
When I saw Isabelle at the funeral, she teared up and wrapped her arms around me. "There she is. There's my girl. I've been waiting for this...my dear sweet Corrie. I love you so much. Your Grandpa loved you so much. It is so good to see your beautiful face." I wept, reminding her that she was still my Grandma, and she held me closer. She cried, sobbing that she had loved him so much... we all did.
I still can't believe it happened. There was something I was depending on to get me through this week, and it seems that may be slipping through the cracks. I guess I wouldn't know.
I'm out of ideas, but hey... I'm a creative person. I'll just have to start over. I'll get over it. The pain will subside eventually. GOOD ATTITUDE! Yes.
I drew a blue dot on Cody's nose. I'm not sure why...I'm not sure why he LET me do it. Now he looks like he has a bruise, after running around in the rain.
I'm watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy. I'm learning a lot from Meredith's relationships. She has a lot of good things to say in her opening and closing narrations. Sounds like I could have written them myself.
So...I guess that's all for now. Have a memory or a thought about my grandpa? Leave it here:
http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?ID=GB19227314
That's all for now. I feel like I broke something inside... I need glue. The chocolate kind?
-Me
The funeral was beautiful, and terrible. So many tears. I don't even know how to describe it. Every breath hurt. It was a different kind of pain. I had to keep reminding myself that he was actually gone. There was no casket, only pictures. I had to keep looking at the pictures to remember who I was supposed to be remembering. It couldn't be my Grandpa! He's invincible. He's a rock. People knew him as a brother, as a father, and as a cousin, or a husband. No one spoke about him as a Grandpa. I wanted to stand up there and tell them he did magic. That he amazed me! He was my hero. He always told me I was beautiful, and he was the only person who ever said that that I truly wanted to believe.
I have a lot of memories of my Grandpa, and since I was his grandchild, they were only good memories. I didn't know him as the once upon a time alcoholic... I knew him as GRANDPA! At least that's what we would all scream when he would pull up in his town car.
He used to live close. Then he moved to Arizona. That's why it's hard to believe he's gone. I didn't get to see him more than once a year... but I treasured those times.
He took me home with him once. 3 day road trip. I got to eat refried beans for breakfast in Sedona. He took me in the desert to collect junk. We found a lot. We made a sculpture. I was the only grandchild to do it, but that's because I adored him, and I invited myself. I weaseled my way into the position of importance. Being one of 5 kids, it's hard to feel special to a relative...so I would make THEM feel special, and I became the favorite. The forced favorite, but the favorite nonetheless.
I was also a big fan of "Grandma Isabelle" Grandpa's third wife. No one compares to my Grammy, but Isabelle takes the place of my crappy Grandma on the other side. (Killmers) She was with Grandpa through his last breath. I hate cancer.
When I saw Isabelle at the funeral, she teared up and wrapped her arms around me. "There she is. There's my girl. I've been waiting for this...my dear sweet Corrie. I love you so much. Your Grandpa loved you so much. It is so good to see your beautiful face." I wept, reminding her that she was still my Grandma, and she held me closer. She cried, sobbing that she had loved him so much... we all did.
I still can't believe it happened. There was something I was depending on to get me through this week, and it seems that may be slipping through the cracks. I guess I wouldn't know.
I'm out of ideas, but hey... I'm a creative person. I'll just have to start over. I'll get over it. The pain will subside eventually. GOOD ATTITUDE! Yes.
I drew a blue dot on Cody's nose. I'm not sure why...I'm not sure why he LET me do it. Now he looks like he has a bruise, after running around in the rain.
I'm watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy. I'm learning a lot from Meredith's relationships. She has a lot of good things to say in her opening and closing narrations. Sounds like I could have written them myself.
So...I guess that's all for now. Have a memory or a thought about my grandpa? Leave it here:
http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?ID=GB19227314
That's all for now. I feel like I broke something inside... I need glue. The chocolate kind?
-Me
Monday, September 18, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
I'm killing myself. Not intentionally. But it's happening. THe working all the time seems to help distract me at times from the things I don't want to face, but sooner or later you have to face them all.
I've found a few other distractions. Some I'm not as proud of as others. I wish I were writing more like I promised Grandpa I would. I screw up a lot. Really a lot. I don't have anything to write about. I'm ashamed of my recent mistakes. I let a situation change me, and I don't know how to get back to where I started. I know the blame belongs to me as well, because I let the lies present themselves as truth. That was all me. I just wanted so badly to feel different. Get the numbness out. Feel things.
Now I just want to be numb again. I've gone through the majority of my life missing people. Perhaps that's why it seemed so natural to pursue a relationship with BJ. Maybe because I knew if he was around me all the time, every day...he would realize that much sooner that he didn't want me.
Of course that's most likely a delusion. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. My thoughts are extensive. They eat me alive. They take away reality. I'm filled to the brim with "what ifs". How do you banish those ideas? By pursuing reality. Well... here's my reality.
I work from 3:45 am to 6pm. I know there are thousands of people who work more than that. Doctors rarely even go home! I learned that from SCRUBS and Grey's Anatomy. Yup. I'm television educated. I know how to solve crimes, treat patients, and cheat on people. GOOD things to know. Riiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhht. So anyway, back to reality.
I work a lot. So does everyone. Check. Got it. The only people I see day to day are co-workers. Co-workers who all seem to be best friends. Amber says that that's because I don't push hard enough, that it takes two to tango. I told her she was right...and I'm still looking for my dance partner. I get invited to things I plan! Because I invite myself. I'm a lonely, miserable person. I'm a pathetic human being. I get so angry sometimes. Mainly at myself. But I don't want to reduce myself to the "Can I come?" pushing on in. Come on! You know you want me! No... no. I know I want THEM.
So when I'm not working, I'm sleeping. Which presents the reasons why I hadn't eaten anything in three days. I completely forgot! Don't worry. I'm still a chub chub. Even if I had deliberately stopped eating, I would still gain weight.
I complain a lot on here, I do. But who else do I complain to? You got to get it out somehow. Critique all you want. Think bad things about me. I'll never know, and you'll never tell me! All's well in the world.
So the long and short of my reality. I don't exist. Not to me, not to others. I'm just...there. I tell funny jokes and sing pretty songs. I'm the voice that interrupts your conversations. It's not always welcome, but always amusing. I talk to BJ for a bit before bed. He's my best friend. We say we're more than that. I want to be everything to him. He says I am. I wish I was.
I want to be in love. I want to feel it all. It's been determined...by myself...that I suck at long distance relationships, and yet I have no other options. What does that mean? That I choose to be miserable? I guess it does. Years and years ahead of me. I made the move, the move didn't work. I'm reminded of a song! Neither me or anyone i know is Madeleine, and yet..."Whoa, oh Madeleine! Here we go round' again! You know it, I know it, don't try to pretend! You know it could be so much better than it's been. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh here we go round' again!" I hope it's better..."This time around!" BWa-ha-ha. Thank you Hanson. I adore you.
BJ makes me happy. He's the beginning and the end of my thoughts each day. But we've got a mountain to climb. I'm just afraid I'm not strong enough. I'll fall down and get smashed on the bottom, and he'll go on without me. I'll still be tied to him...for safety reasons of course, so he'll drag me up to the top behind him...eventually. Our eventually is years away. It used to be closer...but now that he's got all that dead weight attached to him, it's gonna take longer. Life was carefree...a quick jaunt up a mountain side! Now it's a mission. Have to finish school, have to get a job, have to be financially secure...all for the better of the carcass hanging at the end of his rope. BAH! Maybe I'm ruining him. I just want it to be my turn to be taken care of. Maybe that's selfish. It probably is.
So I've rambled enough today. Yesterday I went to the Renaissance Festival. I introduced my mom to Captain Jack Sparrow. I was in costume. Apparently I was beautiful. I got looks from men. I guess the costume gave me courage to keep my eyes off the ground. Apparently I have beautiful eyes. My name was Ophelia yesterday. It was glorious. A young girl tugged on my skirt and told me I was very pretty. I had a good day. Not night. I had a bad night. I have to forgive.
So that's all for now.
Over. Me
I've found a few other distractions. Some I'm not as proud of as others. I wish I were writing more like I promised Grandpa I would. I screw up a lot. Really a lot. I don't have anything to write about. I'm ashamed of my recent mistakes. I let a situation change me, and I don't know how to get back to where I started. I know the blame belongs to me as well, because I let the lies present themselves as truth. That was all me. I just wanted so badly to feel different. Get the numbness out. Feel things.
Now I just want to be numb again. I've gone through the majority of my life missing people. Perhaps that's why it seemed so natural to pursue a relationship with BJ. Maybe because I knew if he was around me all the time, every day...he would realize that much sooner that he didn't want me.
Of course that's most likely a delusion. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. My thoughts are extensive. They eat me alive. They take away reality. I'm filled to the brim with "what ifs". How do you banish those ideas? By pursuing reality. Well... here's my reality.
I work from 3:45 am to 6pm. I know there are thousands of people who work more than that. Doctors rarely even go home! I learned that from SCRUBS and Grey's Anatomy. Yup. I'm television educated. I know how to solve crimes, treat patients, and cheat on people. GOOD things to know. Riiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhht. So anyway, back to reality.
I work a lot. So does everyone. Check. Got it. The only people I see day to day are co-workers. Co-workers who all seem to be best friends. Amber says that that's because I don't push hard enough, that it takes two to tango. I told her she was right...and I'm still looking for my dance partner. I get invited to things I plan! Because I invite myself. I'm a lonely, miserable person. I'm a pathetic human being. I get so angry sometimes. Mainly at myself. But I don't want to reduce myself to the "Can I come?" pushing on in. Come on! You know you want me! No... no. I know I want THEM.
So when I'm not working, I'm sleeping. Which presents the reasons why I hadn't eaten anything in three days. I completely forgot! Don't worry. I'm still a chub chub. Even if I had deliberately stopped eating, I would still gain weight.
I complain a lot on here, I do. But who else do I complain to? You got to get it out somehow. Critique all you want. Think bad things about me. I'll never know, and you'll never tell me! All's well in the world.
So the long and short of my reality. I don't exist. Not to me, not to others. I'm just...there. I tell funny jokes and sing pretty songs. I'm the voice that interrupts your conversations. It's not always welcome, but always amusing. I talk to BJ for a bit before bed. He's my best friend. We say we're more than that. I want to be everything to him. He says I am. I wish I was.
I want to be in love. I want to feel it all. It's been determined...by myself...that I suck at long distance relationships, and yet I have no other options. What does that mean? That I choose to be miserable? I guess it does. Years and years ahead of me. I made the move, the move didn't work. I'm reminded of a song! Neither me or anyone i know is Madeleine, and yet..."Whoa, oh Madeleine! Here we go round' again! You know it, I know it, don't try to pretend! You know it could be so much better than it's been. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh here we go round' again!" I hope it's better..."This time around!" BWa-ha-ha. Thank you Hanson. I adore you.
BJ makes me happy. He's the beginning and the end of my thoughts each day. But we've got a mountain to climb. I'm just afraid I'm not strong enough. I'll fall down and get smashed on the bottom, and he'll go on without me. I'll still be tied to him...for safety reasons of course, so he'll drag me up to the top behind him...eventually. Our eventually is years away. It used to be closer...but now that he's got all that dead weight attached to him, it's gonna take longer. Life was carefree...a quick jaunt up a mountain side! Now it's a mission. Have to finish school, have to get a job, have to be financially secure...all for the better of the carcass hanging at the end of his rope. BAH! Maybe I'm ruining him. I just want it to be my turn to be taken care of. Maybe that's selfish. It probably is.
So I've rambled enough today. Yesterday I went to the Renaissance Festival. I introduced my mom to Captain Jack Sparrow. I was in costume. Apparently I was beautiful. I got looks from men. I guess the costume gave me courage to keep my eyes off the ground. Apparently I have beautiful eyes. My name was Ophelia yesterday. It was glorious. A young girl tugged on my skirt and told me I was very pretty. I had a good day. Not night. I had a bad night. I have to forgive.
So that's all for now.
Over. Me
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
Well well well. Where to begin? Nothing major has happened really. I work all the time. Since BJ's visit in August, I have been working 7 days a week. Maybe the distraction helps.
I've decided to take weekends off. I think it's a brilliant idea. I desperately need it. BJ and I are both very busy now. Our conversations are minimal at best. We're trying though.
Originally we had planned to see each other next over Christmas. That's seeming less and less possible as each day passes. I don't think I can pinpoint now why exactly. Sometimes it all just seems too hard. But then I look at my life, and I see that every part of it has been difficult. Why stop now?
There have been some good times recently. Nice distractions. Two trips to the state fair! Woot woot! The first time was with my parents, Sunnie, and Paul. Sunnie and my mother are the of inappropriate comments. "Blond" moments if you will. Like when we walked into the bazarre and Sunnie shouted out "Mom! I smell your nuts!" while referring to my mother's favorite cinnamon roasted almonds. Or when Sunnie commented on the large "anatomy" of some horses..."Here it comes again!" The public is never safe.
The second trip was just Kelly and I. That one was not without its laughs either. That trip was my treat, and we really enjoyed ourselves. We hit all the musts. Next year, I HAVE to stick to it and audition for the talent show. I know I'll at least QUALIFY for the finals...and that right there is $100 in my pocket. Judging from who qualified on Saturday, I'll do just fine.
Aside from the fair, there aren't too many other highlights. Lakeshore is taking up a lot more of my time. I kind of AM the weekday Box Office now. Kirsten quit. Can't say that I blame her, but now I'm pretty much in charge. Even though it's rather terrifying, I am good at it. Joan keeps telling me how wonderful I am. I don't mind.
I'm tired all the time. I'm sick a lot too. I'm an outsider at Caribou now, and all by myself at Lakeshore. I'm "too busy" for invitations, at least that's the impression I unknowingly passed on to my co-workers. I'd tell you how much that royally sucks, but it still makes me sad. They whisper plans around me like I'm an idiot, and all the while I just...stew. That's okay. Work "friendships" are all temporary anyway. The only think you have in common is work, and when you try to keep friendships after leaving a given job, it never works. I've seen it happen again and again and again.
Maybe I'm just becoming bitter. People don't want me, and now I don't want them. I've unintentionally developed the attitude that some are just out to get me. Kelly and Kris are nice and thick again, and I won't lie...I it. Just a few months ago it seems...Kelly absolutely despised him. I stood by and was endlessly accused for not defending her enough to that unimaginable monster...and now he complains TO Kelly about my relationship with BJ, and that's A-O-K with her. She's just like SUnnie when it comes to Kris. No matter what her friend has said or done to me, it doesn't matter if they still want to be her friend. She loves having Kris back, and deny it all she wants, I know she likes the fact that he can't stand me. Every sibling enjoys having someone they don't have to share with their family. I could care less. (I'm a liar, of course. At least I have to live up to my lying reputation...which Kelly's best friend is the AMAZING author of. He's the best writer ever! Word. He should switch from reporting to pure fiction...that's where his talent truly lies.)
So that's my rant. I know I'm just bitter, right? Jealous? Call it what you will. Everyone stays close with each other, and I am rolling around in their dust...covering up my hurt with all the dirt they leave behind. What you can't see can't hurt you! So go ahead and glance. I'm just fine. Don't look too hard though. You might see the truth and feel a little bad. So sad.
Anyway... I wonder what I would change if I could do it all over again. I can probably list about a hundred things. But I've gotten so many lectures about the Butterfly Effect whenever I mention that question just out of curiosity. What would YOU do different? Would you keep me around? Would that make a difference? If I didn't exist...how many people's lives would be drastically different? Would Nikki and Lurae be the same people without that "party"? They weren't the same people they were before that happened...I wonder what they would be like now? Stupid scenarios, really. I wonder, I wonder. Who would be different? Everyone wants to make a difference in the world. Maybe not in the ENTIRE world...but someone's world. I wonder whose worlds I've made a difference in. Questions that were never meant to be answered.
ANYWAY. It looks to me like I've gone through a little writing withdrawal. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe not. Who has time for it anyway? Not me!
Bye then. Later tater.
I've decided to take weekends off. I think it's a brilliant idea. I desperately need it. BJ and I are both very busy now. Our conversations are minimal at best. We're trying though.
Originally we had planned to see each other next over Christmas. That's seeming less and less possible as each day passes. I don't think I can pinpoint now why exactly. Sometimes it all just seems too hard. But then I look at my life, and I see that every part of it has been difficult. Why stop now?
There have been some good times recently. Nice distractions. Two trips to the state fair! Woot woot! The first time was with my parents, Sunnie, and Paul. Sunnie and my mother are the of inappropriate comments. "Blond" moments if you will. Like when we walked into the bazarre and Sunnie shouted out "Mom! I smell your nuts!" while referring to my mother's favorite cinnamon roasted almonds. Or when Sunnie commented on the large "anatomy" of some horses..."Here it comes again!" The public is never safe.
The second trip was just Kelly and I. That one was not without its laughs either. That trip was my treat, and we really enjoyed ourselves. We hit all the musts. Next year, I HAVE to stick to it and audition for the talent show. I know I'll at least QUALIFY for the finals...and that right there is $100 in my pocket. Judging from who qualified on Saturday, I'll do just fine.
Aside from the fair, there aren't too many other highlights. Lakeshore is taking up a lot more of my time. I kind of AM the weekday Box Office now. Kirsten quit. Can't say that I blame her, but now I'm pretty much in charge. Even though it's rather terrifying, I am good at it. Joan keeps telling me how wonderful I am. I don't mind.
I'm tired all the time. I'm sick a lot too. I'm an outsider at Caribou now, and all by myself at Lakeshore. I'm "too busy" for invitations, at least that's the impression I unknowingly passed on to my co-workers. I'd tell you how much that royally sucks, but it still makes me sad. They whisper plans around me like I'm an idiot, and all the while I just...stew. That's okay. Work "friendships" are all temporary anyway. The only think you have in common is work, and when you try to keep friendships after leaving a given job, it never works. I've seen it happen again and again and again.
Maybe I'm just becoming bitter. People don't want me, and now I don't want them. I've unintentionally developed the attitude that some are just out to get me. Kelly and Kris are nice and thick again, and I won't lie...I it. Just a few months ago it seems...Kelly absolutely despised him. I stood by and was endlessly accused for not defending her enough to that unimaginable monster...and now he complains TO Kelly about my relationship with BJ, and that's A-O-K with her. She's just like SUnnie when it comes to Kris. No matter what her friend has said or done to me, it doesn't matter if they still want to be her friend. She loves having Kris back, and deny it all she wants, I know she likes the fact that he can't stand me. Every sibling enjoys having someone they don't have to share with their family. I could care less. (I'm a liar, of course. At least I have to live up to my lying reputation...which Kelly's best friend is the AMAZING author of. He's the best writer ever! Word. He should switch from reporting to pure fiction...that's where his talent truly lies.)
So that's my rant. I know I'm just bitter, right? Jealous? Call it what you will. Everyone stays close with each other, and I am rolling around in their dust...covering up my hurt with all the dirt they leave behind. What you can't see can't hurt you! So go ahead and glance. I'm just fine. Don't look too hard though. You might see the truth and feel a little bad. So sad.
Anyway... I wonder what I would change if I could do it all over again. I can probably list about a hundred things. But I've gotten so many lectures about the Butterfly Effect whenever I mention that question just out of curiosity. What would YOU do different? Would you keep me around? Would that make a difference? If I didn't exist...how many people's lives would be drastically different? Would Nikki and Lurae be the same people without that "party"? They weren't the same people they were before that happened...I wonder what they would be like now? Stupid scenarios, really. I wonder, I wonder. Who would be different? Everyone wants to make a difference in the world. Maybe not in the ENTIRE world...but someone's world. I wonder whose worlds I've made a difference in. Questions that were never meant to be answered.
ANYWAY. It looks to me like I've gone through a little writing withdrawal. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe not. Who has time for it anyway? Not me!
Bye then. Later tater.
Monday, August 14, 2006
So BJ has come and gone. Perfect timing, really...not. The day he leaves I get the worst cold ever, AND sugar week. Can I die now? Life is so unfair sometimes.
So... we had a terrific week. All my planning really paid off. And so did my wallet. Which is now empty! But it was worth it. I loved every minute of it... a lot of it felt like a dream, and now the dream is over. Time to wake up.
The short version of the week? He got here Saturday, we went to Lurae's wedding (A lot of it was miserable...not gonna lie)then we went to the drive-in.
Sunday we slept in, cleaned the house, and prepared for my "party". Pretty ood amount of peeps, and they loved my Tacos. I saw the previous Laura Meverden, now Anderson, and her baby boy Noah. I was very excited. Kirsten came, and the best part of all...my cousins came. ALL of them! Well, from that one family anyway. I was so happy. I worked hard on that day, and it all paid off.
Monday we hit TMOA, then left on our camping trip with dad...first to Jay Cooke again, and then Split Rock the following day. Ending our trip on Wednesday in Grand Marais. We attempted to visit the grandparents, but they were not home. Oh darn. That night we hung out with Nikki, then watched "Get Over It", one of my all time favorites.
Thursday we laid around lazy for awhile. We watched Les Miserables and then got ready to pick Kelly up. Why? So we could go out to eat at Applebees. No, no...AFTER THAT. Oh? Well...oh yes. We drove to the Ordway to see RENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited I had tears in my eyes. It was incredible. That's all I have to say about that.
Friday we slept in a bit, and then went out to eat at...Applebees. We didn't tell her we had been there the night before. She was excited! She treated us, and then she treated us to a movie. "World Trade Center". We all kinda cried... After that, we drove around looking for my missing medication that I had bought that morning. It is gone...BJ offered to replace it for me. My love, I love you. Then we went to Cup N' Cone... and then picked Kelly up from work, and drove around to different video stores, trying in vain to locate a copy of "2gether"... it doesn't exist anymore!
Saturday we did a bunch of nothing, then went to the library, and to Kelly's apartment and watched a bit of RENT. Then it was off to a KFC BUFFET! But that was only because it was the only thing we found anywhere near VALLEY FAIR! Which was really fun. We stayed til close and then went to the Maplewood Taco Bell.
Sunday I was sick. But we went to church, then came home and packed, ate some pizza, some brownies, and then...airport. I've been miserable ever since.
I desperately miss him. The lonliness seems suffocating at times. It's heavy. My shoulders hurt from the weight. It's all pushing down... I know it will get lighter... but right now it's just all I can do to stay on my feet. This doesn't feel right. This isn't how it's supposed to be...is it? I don't understand. I can't understand.
So now it's back to phone calls. Phone calls that last ten minutes about two or three times a day. Sometimes I get lucky at night time...but there's a possibility that I'm an opener again at Caribou...which means no more night time... I know I nag him a lot. He says call you after dinner...and dinner means eat in like ten minutes, and then talk and hang out for a couple hours while they watch TV...and I wait. He's back to being theirs now, I'm back on the back burner. I know that's not his fault, that's just how it's going to be until he doesn't live at home anymore. But I don't think that will ever happen. Unless he joins the military...and I don't think I could survive that either.
BJ starts school soon. Then we'll never talk. I'm terrified. I'm really scared. What do we do now? What do I do? Any suggestions? Please God, don't let me disappear.
So that's that. Bye for now. It was a great week. Anyone know where God hid the remote? I wanna hit the rewind button.
So... we had a terrific week. All my planning really paid off. And so did my wallet. Which is now empty! But it was worth it. I loved every minute of it... a lot of it felt like a dream, and now the dream is over. Time to wake up.
The short version of the week? He got here Saturday, we went to Lurae's wedding (A lot of it was miserable...not gonna lie)then we went to the drive-in.
Sunday we slept in, cleaned the house, and prepared for my "party". Pretty ood amount of peeps, and they loved my Tacos. I saw the previous Laura Meverden, now Anderson, and her baby boy Noah. I was very excited. Kirsten came, and the best part of all...my cousins came. ALL of them! Well, from that one family anyway. I was so happy. I worked hard on that day, and it all paid off.
Monday we hit TMOA, then left on our camping trip with dad...first to Jay Cooke again, and then Split Rock the following day. Ending our trip on Wednesday in Grand Marais. We attempted to visit the grandparents, but they were not home. Oh darn. That night we hung out with Nikki, then watched "Get Over It", one of my all time favorites.
Thursday we laid around lazy for awhile. We watched Les Miserables and then got ready to pick Kelly up. Why? So we could go out to eat at Applebees. No, no...AFTER THAT. Oh? Well...oh yes. We drove to the Ordway to see RENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited I had tears in my eyes. It was incredible. That's all I have to say about that.
Friday we slept in a bit, and then went out to eat at...Applebees. We didn't tell her we had been there the night before. She was excited! She treated us, and then she treated us to a movie. "World Trade Center". We all kinda cried... After that, we drove around looking for my missing medication that I had bought that morning. It is gone...BJ offered to replace it for me. My love, I love you. Then we went to Cup N' Cone... and then picked Kelly up from work, and drove around to different video stores, trying in vain to locate a copy of "2gether"... it doesn't exist anymore!
Saturday we did a bunch of nothing, then went to the library, and to Kelly's apartment and watched a bit of RENT. Then it was off to a KFC BUFFET! But that was only because it was the only thing we found anywhere near VALLEY FAIR! Which was really fun. We stayed til close and then went to the Maplewood Taco Bell.
Sunday I was sick. But we went to church, then came home and packed, ate some pizza, some brownies, and then...airport. I've been miserable ever since.
I desperately miss him. The lonliness seems suffocating at times. It's heavy. My shoulders hurt from the weight. It's all pushing down... I know it will get lighter... but right now it's just all I can do to stay on my feet. This doesn't feel right. This isn't how it's supposed to be...is it? I don't understand. I can't understand.
So now it's back to phone calls. Phone calls that last ten minutes about two or three times a day. Sometimes I get lucky at night time...but there's a possibility that I'm an opener again at Caribou...which means no more night time... I know I nag him a lot. He says call you after dinner...and dinner means eat in like ten minutes, and then talk and hang out for a couple hours while they watch TV...and I wait. He's back to being theirs now, I'm back on the back burner. I know that's not his fault, that's just how it's going to be until he doesn't live at home anymore. But I don't think that will ever happen. Unless he joins the military...and I don't think I could survive that either.
BJ starts school soon. Then we'll never talk. I'm terrified. I'm really scared. What do we do now? What do I do? Any suggestions? Please God, don't let me disappear.
So that's that. Bye for now. It was a great week. Anyone know where God hid the remote? I wanna hit the rewind button.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
BJ is here day after tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OKay, so I'm excited. That, and I'm writing this at Lakeshore, where they are currently building the set for Cheaper By The Dozen, and there are a lot of random fumes roaming around. They were also painting in the basement, so...yay. ANYWAY! Life is good. Jobs are good. Caribou is kinda sucky...new manager now. I loved Michael. I am sad. BUT... I don't work there again until AFTER BJ leaves. So... it's not on my mind.
GUESS WHAT?!?!?! I have a drama program again! I wrote to Pastor Steve, asking about whether or not there was still a program, and he told me they have nothing without me. So I'm BACK! WOOT WOOT!
I guess that's all for now. Kirsten and I were burning up in here earlier, so we turned the air up..er...down. Whatever. Anyway...it's cold now, and my fingers are numb...it is difficult to type.
If any of you readers out there would like to joine BJ and I and my (our) family and some random friends on Sunday August 6th... show up at my house by three and you will not be turned away. We're gonna play Apples to Apples! Color me excited!
BYE!
I love you BJ....!!!
OKay, so I'm excited. That, and I'm writing this at Lakeshore, where they are currently building the set for Cheaper By The Dozen, and there are a lot of random fumes roaming around. They were also painting in the basement, so...yay. ANYWAY! Life is good. Jobs are good. Caribou is kinda sucky...new manager now. I loved Michael. I am sad. BUT... I don't work there again until AFTER BJ leaves. So... it's not on my mind.
GUESS WHAT?!?!?! I have a drama program again! I wrote to Pastor Steve, asking about whether or not there was still a program, and he told me they have nothing without me. So I'm BACK! WOOT WOOT!
I guess that's all for now. Kirsten and I were burning up in here earlier, so we turned the air up..er...down. Whatever. Anyway...it's cold now, and my fingers are numb...it is difficult to type.
If any of you readers out there would like to joine BJ and I and my (our) family and some random friends on Sunday August 6th... show up at my house by three and you will not be turned away. We're gonna play Apples to Apples! Color me excited!
BYE!
I love you BJ....!!!
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I'm a pathetic person. I'm incapable of maintaining long term friendships. I think I'm a breeze. Af eel good friend. The comedienne needed for an uplift before one finds ones true self. Anyway.
I'm also scared. Ever since Louisa told me I'm just a background friend, I've tried to be anything but. I've tried to be substantial. The one! Important. I guess I failed.
I can't tell you how gut wrenching it is sometimes. Lurae has basically had three real, true best friends in her entire life. Me, Nikki, and Alex. I'm the only one out of the three completely left out of the biggest day of her life. I've been replaced over and over again in so many lievs. Why do I never stick?
I'm also jealous. I see the invitations for Lurae's Bridal shower, and bachelorette party. Not only am I jealous because she's getting married, but... no one has ever thrown any sort of party for me...even when they actually said they were going to. *sniff* They never came to my birthday party *sniff*
I'm really good at fake friendships. They're all over the place. That's part of what scares me. There's not much deep meaningful information passed between co-workers over the making of a latte. YOu don't really get to know anyone at work.
I'm scared that I have no "real" in my life. I'm afraid my wedding party one day will consist of mandatory sibling appearances. I'm scared there will be no one on the bride's side, because every relationship I've ever had has been completely surface.
I don't want to believe that, but that's how it feels sometimes. I'm dependable though, that's for sure. I was told by Nikki that she spends more time wqith everyone else, ebcause she knows that I'll always be there no matter what, and they probably won't be.
As crappy as that is, she's probably right. I'm never the one to walk away, I'm always the one watching while others do. That...sucks. It's okay though, they knw where to find me. And they do...when all their real best friends kick em' when they're down. They turn to Corrie the clown! Sorry, no jokes today. I don't wanna play.
Do you know how much it sucks when all of your friends tell you you're no longer part of their group? Gosh dang...why has that happened to me TWICE with two different groups of friends? Just a background friend, blah blah blah.
When there is a gathering, I'm the last one they think of... oh, wait...not last...never. It just never happens.
I'm not a part of Lurae's big day, but I did manage to merit an invitation. Nikki thinks that alone should make me happy. I always thought I would be more than that though. Not a wedding guest, a wedding must. A part of it. Push it in more. The initial stab wound didn't kill me. Harder now, please. I want to be numb.
Ignore the drama, it's just my flare. I don't care. I'm just sad. It's sad to realize you don't mean a fraction of what people mean to you. You're a blip. They already passed over you. For awhile they thought you were a UFO...new and exciting! What's that?!?!?! Oh...just you. Dang. We thought we had made a discovery. Oh well. Continue on your own. We don't need you to be happy anymore. Blip on by, blimpie.
I know, I know. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Why am I a breeze? I don't want to blow on through, I want to hang on. Hang onto you. But...I guess the whole prying my fingers off should have been a clue. I get it now. I'm through.
I want to be important. I've spent so many years fighting for these people, begging them to be a part of my life. They're all worth it though, that's the hard part. But now I'm tired. I want to be fought for.
I want one real, true friend. Someone I can count on. I know they already count on me, but I want to count on them too. Is that too much to ask? A real friend, please.
They're all so fleeting. Zubi, Stina, Sarah, Jessie, Ariel, Lisa, Emily, Melanie, "THEATER" Nikki, Lurae... I miss you all. I didn't leave though. You did. I'm still here! Good luck with life!
Jessi Campbell always makes me feel important. I love her. She's moving to Australia. That sucks. I'm lonely. She's too beautiful to be my friend, anyway.
Well, I have BJ! He's my everything. Sometimes I feel bad for him, because I have no one else to talk to. He has to hear it all. Most of the time he knows all the right things to say.
I miss you too. I miss you three. I miss you all!
When I fall, fall... will you catch me, catch me, catch me?
OVER AND OUT!
ME
I'm also scared. Ever since Louisa told me I'm just a background friend, I've tried to be anything but. I've tried to be substantial. The one! Important. I guess I failed.
I can't tell you how gut wrenching it is sometimes. Lurae has basically had three real, true best friends in her entire life. Me, Nikki, and Alex. I'm the only one out of the three completely left out of the biggest day of her life. I've been replaced over and over again in so many lievs. Why do I never stick?
I'm also jealous. I see the invitations for Lurae's Bridal shower, and bachelorette party. Not only am I jealous because she's getting married, but... no one has ever thrown any sort of party for me...even when they actually said they were going to. *sniff* They never came to my birthday party *sniff*
I'm really good at fake friendships. They're all over the place. That's part of what scares me. There's not much deep meaningful information passed between co-workers over the making of a latte. YOu don't really get to know anyone at work.
I'm scared that I have no "real" in my life. I'm afraid my wedding party one day will consist of mandatory sibling appearances. I'm scared there will be no one on the bride's side, because every relationship I've ever had has been completely surface.
I don't want to believe that, but that's how it feels sometimes. I'm dependable though, that's for sure. I was told by Nikki that she spends more time wqith everyone else, ebcause she knows that I'll always be there no matter what, and they probably won't be.
As crappy as that is, she's probably right. I'm never the one to walk away, I'm always the one watching while others do. That...sucks. It's okay though, they knw where to find me. And they do...when all their real best friends kick em' when they're down. They turn to Corrie the clown! Sorry, no jokes today. I don't wanna play.
Do you know how much it sucks when all of your friends tell you you're no longer part of their group? Gosh dang...why has that happened to me TWICE with two different groups of friends? Just a background friend, blah blah blah.
When there is a gathering, I'm the last one they think of... oh, wait...not last...never. It just never happens.
I'm not a part of Lurae's big day, but I did manage to merit an invitation. Nikki thinks that alone should make me happy. I always thought I would be more than that though. Not a wedding guest, a wedding must. A part of it. Push it in more. The initial stab wound didn't kill me. Harder now, please. I want to be numb.
Ignore the drama, it's just my flare. I don't care. I'm just sad. It's sad to realize you don't mean a fraction of what people mean to you. You're a blip. They already passed over you. For awhile they thought you were a UFO...new and exciting! What's that?!?!?! Oh...just you. Dang. We thought we had made a discovery. Oh well. Continue on your own. We don't need you to be happy anymore. Blip on by, blimpie.
I know, I know. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Why am I a breeze? I don't want to blow on through, I want to hang on. Hang onto you. But...I guess the whole prying my fingers off should have been a clue. I get it now. I'm through.
I want to be important. I've spent so many years fighting for these people, begging them to be a part of my life. They're all worth it though, that's the hard part. But now I'm tired. I want to be fought for.
I want one real, true friend. Someone I can count on. I know they already count on me, but I want to count on them too. Is that too much to ask? A real friend, please.
They're all so fleeting. Zubi, Stina, Sarah, Jessie, Ariel, Lisa, Emily, Melanie, "THEATER" Nikki, Lurae... I miss you all. I didn't leave though. You did. I'm still here! Good luck with life!
Jessi Campbell always makes me feel important. I love her. She's moving to Australia. That sucks. I'm lonely. She's too beautiful to be my friend, anyway.
Well, I have BJ! He's my everything. Sometimes I feel bad for him, because I have no one else to talk to. He has to hear it all. Most of the time he knows all the right things to say.
I miss you too. I miss you three. I miss you all!
When I fall, fall... will you catch me, catch me, catch me?
OVER AND OUT!
ME
