I woke up with a weird feeling today. Everday since the "big" conversation with Tim, I've been waiting for the fall. The inevitable fall...and it hasn't come yet. I keep bracing myself, thinking...here it comes. The part when I get really depressed and the world goes dark. It's not happening! Now, that could mean a variety of things. I really liked him...right? Maybe I didn't. I care about him a lot. A whole lot. But I think...actually...here's what I KNOW.

I cared about him very very much. Still do. Maybe, my caring for him in a friend way, got in the way of the real things. By that I mean that I don't think I liked him as much as I thought I did. I wanted him to know more than anything that he was loved, regardless of what type of love it was. By loving him, I think my brain got confused...and started generating these feelings that I didn't really have. I honestly think that's what it was. Because right now? Tim and I are good pals, just like always. I genuinely enjoy being friends with him. We say stupid things, and we get along, we do have a lot in common...which is why we're FRIENDS. I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't feel as if anything is missing, like I want more. Because I don't. I can't explain why I thought I did. I was just so set on the idea of helping his pain go away, that I would do anything to make that happen. Why? Because he was where I had been before, and that is the worst place you can imagine. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my friend. I wanted to rescue him. While attempting that feat, I put myself somewhere I didn't belong. It's so strange...

Looking back of course, I think "I don't make any sense, and neither does what happened." Emotions are tricky, and they can easily betray you. My eagerness to love and be loved is getting me into too much trouble, that's for sure. But either way, as of right now...I'm perfectly okay. And that feels really good. I was so scared of the bad times, and they're not coming so all is well! I don't know what happened to make everything seem so light... normally someone telling you they're scared of your problems and you're not physically attractive would not exactly put you in a good mood. With me, however, that's exactly where I am.

Everything is going pretty well right now. Theater doesn't bug me, my parents make me laugh with their silly accusations. Each time I get grounded, I roll my eyes and laugh about it, because it is just THAT ridiculous. There's nothing that gets me down really, except...well. Except for what's gotten me down my entire life. But I have the power to change it...*laughs*

Well, I'm off to theater rehearsal now! Our set is pretty amazing! All you people out there, come see the play! It's HILARIOUS! When I remember the actual dates, I will most certainly record them here. Later tators. I am off like a dirty shirt, yo!