Well. Some of you know, some of you don't know, what happened at the senior party last year. To sum it up, I was...falling. And there was no one there to catch me. I did something stupid, that caused me to lose a lot of my friends. I didn't know what I was doing when I did it, and I hope I never feel that way again. After I had done what I did, I remember getting dropped off outside of my house. The door was locked, everyone was still asleep. I was walking to the back of the house, and I fell over. I fell hard. I remember my head was bleeding. I fell into the side garden, and I just cried. I cried for an hour at least. I was covered in mud, but I didn't care. Everything hurt. Especially my head. I was so mixed up...I don't want to go through all that again. They've been told what happened. They know. They don't forgive, but they know.

I was looking through my lyric notebook today, because I planned on giving it to Ben. I came across something I had entitled "random thoughts". It was dated about one week prior to the senior party. Now...if any of you guys that that event concerned are reading this...maybe this will give you some insight as to where I was emotionally. I can't take it back, I can't make it different. I just wish you could understand...

"Losing something constant that you thought you could depend on. Your comfort, your home. Your reason. Losing reason is losing direction. Is losing your way. For me, it's losing me. Not knowing where to go, where to look, where to be. What to be. The guide, the light, now smothered in total darkness. Not seeing, not knowing what comes next. Thoughts abandoned, hopes forgotten. The one familiar thing scattered to the whims of the wind. No say in what is to happen next. No way of controlling the future. Was control ever possible? Control is not an option. With control goes happiness, goes possibility of dreams pursued. Should then my dreams be forgotten as well? Forgotten or postponed, what's the point in deciding the difference? There is no difference. Either way they are far away. Might as well be forgotten. I am not giving up, but I am not trying nearly as hard anymore. It just seems to be a waste of time. Sadness lurks, sadness possesses, sadness is. It is now my constant, yet no comfort does it bring. No comfort. No home. No place to go. No me. No you. No life. All is lost."

Well...all I can say is that I wasn't me then. And if they couldn't see that, then I guess they never knew me like I always hoped they did. Forgiveness is too often taken for granted. Not to be self righteous, but all of the things I have forgiven, all the things I've put up with...I guess I just assumed there were people out there who could do the same. My dad beat us. I forgave him. My mother makes fat jokes at my expense. I forgave her. Boys use me to get to Sunnie. I forgive them. I write a note on the wall, saying I didn't know me anymore, I played a part all through highschool, and tried to be someone I wasn't. I am hated.

I remember times when those people would come to me, and I would take their problems on, just like I always do. I am cursed with a good memory. I remember every detail. At my birthday party in 8th grade, I had a bunch of girls over for a sleepover. We planned on going to see Titanic the next day. That night, at the party, Jessie Coffey started talking about the car accident that Ashley had been in. She didn't realize Ashley had been in the car. Ashley started to cry. I remember instantly wanting to absord all of her pain, make it go away. I sat down next to her on the floor, and I put my arms around her. She ended up almost in my lap, and I just let her cry. I told her I would always be there for her no matter what. I still mean it.

Emily would come to me from time to time...mainly because of the Ashley/Katrina ordeals. I was the friend when anyone needed it. I still am.

When my mom got really sick, I felt so alone. I didn't think I could live another day. I thought it was the end of me. I was running an entire household by myself, tutoring my brother, in a play full time, taking advanced classes. It was time for me to die, as far as I was concerned. I was more than ready to give up, because no one seemed to take notice that I was falling apart. That's when Ashley gave me the letter. She handed it to be in choir one day. I still have it, in my keepsake box. In the letter, she returned the sentiment, saying she would always be there for me, no matter what. Well, when I fell hard, I guess I broke that vow she gave me. I don't know what to do sometimes, or what to think.

Regardless of what happened or will happen, I loved her, love her. She and I had been friends for 9 years. NINE YEARS! That's a long time. And everyone else involved in "IT"...you knew me, you said. I wish you did now. I miss you...

Right now? Yeah, I have friends. Good friends. Sure, with most of them my only correspondance is over the internet. I wouldn't trade it in though. I treasure the good conversations we've had. And some friends are still right here. Nikki? Lurae? Yeah, not getting rid of them in the near future. I love you girls! And Christy...well, she's so amazing. She feels kinda bad right now, because she thinks she's turning into the girl she always despised in highschool. The girl in love! The girl who talks about her boyfriend 24/7. The girl who invites him everywhere she's invited. Well, she HAS become that person. But you know what? I say, who cares? So she's happy! She deserves it! AHH! Leave her alone, peoples. She and I were always told that when we had a boyfriend, we'd understand. I'm still waiting for it, but she's there. And I'm happy for her. Why can't everyone else be happy for her too? She's in love, it's cute, it's charming, and it's perfect. Leave it be. She's been such an amazing friend to all of her friends, she deserves it more than most. One day, senior year, I was very upset, telling her about how this certain boy was being really not nice to me...she was very upset, and became protective of me. The next day, when she got to choir, she presented me with a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers, stating *in the middle of practice, very loudly so EVERYONE could hear* "These are for you, because you had a bad day yesterday." Then she shot that boy the dirtiest look...I was never more proud to have her as a friend. She takes care of her friends, and she deserves to be taken care of now. I love you Christy, keep on smiling!

Well, I must be off now. Sunnie would like to go online, and I'm...sick! I feel ill. I had to leave rehearsal early today because of it. So, I must be off now! E-rok out, baby. (Which, by the way. I used to be obsessed with Brian Littrell of the BSB. His nickname was B-rok. My name spelled backwards is Eirroc, or with my new cool spelling, E-rok. Make sense now? Awesome! Use it, share it, it'll be cool.) Later!