Well...that darn Nancy Drew syndrome has caught up with me again. I went sleuthing. I searched for BJs screen name on my computer, and the conversation Kelly had with BJ popped up. So! I read it. God forgive me, I read it. I found it only mildy offensive "I wish they could understand we have other friends..." Well! Ahem. Scuse me! Did I say otherwise? By they, BJ was referring to me and Kris. Apparently we're similar "emotionally" Whatever. If they want to talk and be best buddies, I'd be fine with that. As long as it's not on my screen name! Hah! I'd like to say I'm kidding...but I don't think I am.

I think I came across as pushy and over anxious. Why? Because I sent BJ my picture and he was suddenly not online anymore. Interesting...just a coincidence, but I've been conditioned, and it's a hard thing to reverse. Granted my mother tells me how beautiful I am all the time...sometimes she even says "hot" but because of the opposite remarks she made ALL The time before... I can't believe a compliment. Even if I think it might be true, I tear it apart until it becomes simple words...dull and fallen to the ground. I reduce the nice words to words that don't mean anything to anyone. Blah blah blah is what I hear, the sentiment and good intention is swept under the rug along with the pointless words. I smile and nod and walk away, and they could have said "The broom has two ears" for all I know... they're just words.

Anyhoo... this morning screwed up my day. I'm crabby now. I have negative money all around...I can't afford medications or car insurance, and I'm beginning to panic. February we're taking a vacation to Florida, and I have to pay for park admissions. I make next to nothing at Caribou, and I just want to cry. Maybe I shouldn't go to Florida. Maybe I should skip my very last family vacation. I can't, but I should.

Not to mention that the vacation just happens to be resting on the very week that my very first one act play is going to be performed. I wrote it, it's going to be performed, and I'm not gonna see it! I'm...beyond depressed.

Well, anyway. That's two entries today. I feel like a compelte spaz, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Lovely sentiment...

Au Revoir!

Me

AHHHHHHHHHHH! Why does this always happen to me? Sometimes, I just want to run in one direction and not look back. In the true words of my younger brother, I HATE today. Some days I can't come up with one single emotion and go with it. This is one of those days.

I got hired at Caribou coffee with a promised full time position with 40 hours a week. So far, my schedule has barely cracked 24 a week. How does that work?? The job search was endlessly tiring, and I am not looking forward to doing it AGAIN.

Christmas has come and gone, and I can't say that that bothers me. Kelly is here again, and just like last year, I'm ready for her to leave. It pains me to say that, because while I love her the most, she and I rub up against each other too frequently. Half the time I feel like she resents anything that we don't have in common. I probably feel the same way, I don't know.

I got 2 Christmas cards from my friend BJ 2 days after Christmas. I didn't mind that they were late, I was very happy to get them. I had sent him one as well...but now I feel like I shouldn't talk to him anymore. Why? Let me tell you...

BJ and I had an amazing 5 hour conversation one night. He was someone I had found through Kelly, but he was not a FRIEND of Kelly's...I made sure of that. Why? Because I hate the he said she said crap of high school, and I didn't want to go through that with her. She told me not to talk to Kris (BJs best friend) so I didn't. Kris told Kelly not to talk to BJ, and she didn't...for awhile.

Last night, I went to bed early because I had to get up this morning. I woke up at 5am, and Kelly was still awake, chatting to BJ on MY MY MY....MY screen name! Okay, first... I don't talk to Kris because SHE didn't want me to! Second: It's my freaking screen name, get OFF! She said he started it, he messaged her/me...well, SIGN OFF! Make me look rude, I don't care. I don't care who she was talking to, just don't be on my screen name.

I had about a billion early high school flashbacks with online drama, and I wanted to cry. "Bye BJ" I said to myself as Kelly closed the chat window whenever I walked into my own bedroom. Something she didn't want me to see apparently...

Part of the excitment of talking to BJ was knowing that Kelly didn't. Call it sick and twisted, but she talked about KRIS 24/7 and I was openly jealous about their connection. She's jealous too, but she won't admit it. Why else would she do that? She could have signed off, left it alone, been content with what she had. I don't talk to Kris, she talks to both.

Whatever, I've resolved not to care. I just...won't talk to him anymore. Things will get complicated if I do. I don't need to explain why, they just will. I'm disappointed in myself for caring at all in the first place. The internet has always been Kelly's domain, I should have learned to keep my distance. He just seemed so spectacular. A great friend in the making. I went for him all on my own, and now she's got him too. She knew of him first, but I knew him first. I know it's not a competition, but if it were...I just lost it.

Wow, would you look at that! I'm writing another journal entry the NEXT DAY! I'm not really sure why though...it's not like I have anything terribly interesting to say. Ah well, I can babble on like an idiot! It's MY journal!

I want to go see Ocean's Twelve today. I mean come on! Twelve is the new Eleven...yeah, anyway. Last night after I wrote, I had this stupid away message up. Most of it was just trying to sound deep and intellectual, but some of it was the truth. It led to this aggrivating conversation with Kelly about my self terminating paranoia, and my tendency to sabotage new friendships. But...I don't really do that anymore...do I? I don't think so.

I'm at the WBL library now, using AIM express and annoying people with my survey question. Observe:

In your opinion, what is the most difficult? Talking to someone you've never met, talking to someone you've met but don't remember, or talking to someone you don't want to talk to?

I thought it was a good question. But...overthinkers like myself would think so. Because we think a lot...too much. ANYWAY!

I fell asleep at around 3:30 am... with every intention of getting up early for a jaunt around the lake. I've decided I don't really need sleep all that much anymore. I don't like it. Sleep means dreaming, which means accomplishing things subconsciously that are virtually an impossibility while I'm awake. That's what dreaming is... BUT...I didn't get up three hours later like I wanted to. Jamison woke me up at 11:30 and wanted me to drive him to work. Not a problem.

Last night I made my parents dinner like I usually do, and last night they trashed the kitchen completely after I cleaned it up. Have they never heard of rinsing off a dish? Come on people! Anyway, after I drove Jamie to work, I tried to get online. My computer is going down fast, people. Second hand laptop...4 years old...and my dad loaded so much crap on it, it's stuck in a time warp and is about tp become a dinosaur.

Well, library comp about to kick me off! I gotta go! More later!

Me

Good heavens... I can't believe how lazy I've gotten with the whole journal thing! I toyed with the idea of getting rid of it all and starting over, but... no. To any new readers who might wager a query into my life one step further...there is some vital information in previous entries that I don't feel like re-explaining. So!

When I last wrote, I was working for Kristin and all was good. Well! I fell in love with that little boy...and what did Kristin do? She let me go... See, I went down to Tennessee for cousin Melissa's wedding, (I was a bridesmaid) and I spent the majority of my savings getting there and back. When I get back, I call Kristin so see when she needed me next. I worked every day, so i figured the day after I got back. Not the case. Turns out, Edmond's grandparents were going to be visiting, and wanted him all week.

Many weeks passed, so I finally called Kristin and asked what's up...turns out, she had decided she was going to stay home with Edmond every day instead. She also decided she didn't need to tell me that. I found myself without savings, and without a job, right before the holidays!

After a frantic search, I landed a job about a week and a half ago. Caribou coffee! Woo! Yeah...haven't done THAT before. Well, at least I don't have to go through a lot of the pre-training anxiety. I know coffee pretty well. My training actually is officially done, and my first "Real" shift starts Monday.

Aside from the no money job thing...my plate has been pretty full! The youth drama thing is a weekly event, and that keeps me busy! And there's this one act I'm writing for WBLAHS (White Bear Lake Area High School for future reference). It's a project with pal Kelsey, she came up with the story, I wrote the script. I ALMOST wrote the script, anyway. I was almost done...when my imac blew. Like...died. It was gone. Dead. And the script had to be done within that week. I panicked.

I called the Apple Store, and since I got it second hand, they said I was past the free technical service period, and it would cost me $50 just to talk to someone. I was outraged! So I hung up. I decided to just bring my computer to the store, instead. That worked out better...except that it was heavy, and I didn't plan out transporting it around very well. ANYWAY...they did a data retrieval, and that too would cost me $50. My mother offered to pay it, if she could get paid back. BUT...I started to re-write the one act, just in case it didn't work. Good thing I did! They called and said they got the data, I told my mom, and she said "Oh, honey. I can't afford to pay for that!" So I would have been screwed! I'm still screwed if I don't get that disc. It has all these novels on it...fun ones that I wrote just for myself...but I didn't back them up anywhere. Partially because I didn't have a disc drive on that machine from hell...and partially because I didn't share them with anybody. But that doesn't mean I wanted them to disappear! I know, I know. Back up your files no matter what. I've learned my lesson.

Anyway, I completely re-wrote the entire one act. I think it may be really good! Kelly read it, and she thinks it's funny. So, moving on. I'm sure everyone is DYING to know about my current guy situation. But here's something I've noticed...a trend if you will in the life that is my own. I never really have a real guy situation!

The weirdest thing happened a few weeks back. First, I must tell you about Lance. Senior year of high school, my friend Lisa and I took a college in the schools class...we got lost so often, that we just kind of tuned out. (We both got good grades in it though...imagine that) We wrote poetry instead. A lot of it was stupid cheesy stuff, a lot of it wasn't. One day, she brought in a poem from her friend Lance. It was good. I have this disease though...any intellectual male makes my heart go all a flutter. I kept my mouth shut, though. Lisa, however...did not. She took the poems we wrote, and showed them all to Lance!

She ended up giving him my e-mail address, etc etc. He and I began talking all the time. One day he and Lisa came over to my house, and the three of us hung out. One night on AIM, he told me he was falling for me...hard. No one had ever told me that before, because I'm typically the match maker, not the one being matched. I wasn't quite sure what to do! He had spent the first few weeks of our conversations telling me how in love he was with my almost friend Stephanie.

Anyway, I was excited and scared at the same time. He ended up going to our senior prom (he went to a different school) as Steph's date. I spent the night hiding from him. I don't know why! I just did. Lisa found me and told me he had been looking for me, he wanted to dance with me. He ended up finding me after the last song. He made about five different people take a picture of him hugging me. That was the last time I talked to him...til recently.

Lance has been on my mass e-mail list for a long time. Apparently...he switched addresses way way back, and I never knew that. I thought he had just decided to write me off. Well, a few eeks ago, he checked that old e-mail address for the fun of it, and freaked out. He e-mailed me back, saying "Wow! I can't believe it's you! I thought you wrote me off a long time ago!" I was in shock!

Lance went on to tell me that he is currently stationed in Korea, and will be heading to Iraq in the near future. WHOA! Not fair. My jaw hit the floor. I wrote him back, asked what his job was. He...like, looks for land mines and stuff...yeah...he'll probably die. Worst part is....if he did, I'd never know it!

So, that was a long story...but it needed to be said. Ther aren't really any other guys in my life. I made a new guy friend online last night though! We talked for like... 5 hours! It was long. And I could have almost sworn I was talking to myself. It was creepy...in a good way. A LOT of similarities, things in common, coincidences...he's an incredible person, and I am very priviledged to know him.

Well! I'm going to do better with this whole journal thing. Maybe life will start getting interesting again! Wouldn't that be nice?

I get a year older in about 4 days, one hour, and 20 minutes. I'm gonna be 21! Woo! And I'll be at home, going to bed early, because I work the next morning. Happy Birthday to me! Not like I would go do anything extraordinary anyway...ah, well.

More to come soon! I swear!

Ciao!

Au Revoir!

Aloha!

Later...

Always, ME!

Well, I haven't written in here since Jauary 31st! It's now... a lot later than that. Sheesh... where do I even begin? I'm doing this more for me than for anyone else, because I know I'm the only one who even looks at this thing.

I moved to New York in March...and it lasted two months. I worked for the devil herself, it was not good. I came home, and had no job. (I'll elaborate on New York some other time) So! Currently, I am watching my step  second cousin's 8 month old little boy, Edmond. Yes, I thought it was a terrible name for a baby too, but it fits him so well now...

ALSO I am truly in charge of the drama program at First Lutheran Church. Not only that, but I've started an independant theater company entitled "Plan See Christian Drama Ministries". And I'm so excited about it! I'll write more about that later on as well. Well, I have to get back to baby Edmond, so I'll write more LOTS more soon!

Later taters!

Peace out...

Me

Well, Sunnie's party went very very well! Paul was very nervous, but it all went over well. We rehearsed and everything. It was funny.

She was really surprised, and I'm really tired. So that's about all I have to say right now! So goodbye.

Bye

HOORAY! Saturday has come and gone, and I am still alive. I'm at work, of course... and I'm finally getting back to a semi-normal sleeping pattern. Life is...okay. It got even a little sunnier today, when Ken Wanovich (My long time worship leader from church to church) stopped by Dunn Bros. to talk to Sunnie and I in passing. He then mentioned that he had purchased the rights to one of Judy Johnson's (Drama leader @ Eagle Brook who hated me and never gave me a chance) plays, and that they were going to perform it at First Lutheran, where I've been attending. I asked who was directing, and he said he wasn't sure. Hmmm...

Then he said he had asked Judy Johnson to direct it. (Ahhh! Last time I saw her, she had kicked me out of the musical for missing a rehearsal when my mom was in intensive care! She's...grr.) So I knew I didn't stand a chance. I wouldn't even be able to be in it, because she would never let me! So, my heart dropped, and I was like "So-long opportunity. Nice to meet you."

THEN he said it sounds like she's not going to do it. I then told him basically, directing is something I do. He seemed iffy, unsure of whether or not I could handle it. So I was like, listen buddy. Do you know what highschool theater is like? This musical would only have rehearsals once a week. Hah! Makes me laugh. Of course I can handle it! So, he says he's going to give me a call, and wants me to be involved one way or another.

So that's good news! Finally. I deserve some methinks! Well, it looks as though it's time to go back to work now. Curses! Oh, well. It will be okay. I only have an hour and 45 minutes left. I will survive! I just typed that whole sentence with my eyes closed. I am so awesome...well, I'm- a gonna go now. Later taters!

I love you forever and always!

Especially you!

Me

*yawns* I am so sleepy. I haven't slept in the longest time! And when I do, it's fitful, panicky, and full of nightmares. Tomorrow is the Titanic tea. My last minute cast acts last minute. It's making me crazy. I just...my head is going to explode. And all my line memorization time? Gone. Mary had her baby almost a month early. So Sunnie and I get her shifts. Well, well, well!

I reunited with my best friend from fifth grade the other night, along with Christy. We went to Rosedale...forever. (I hate shopping, I hate it I hate it) And then we went to my house. We sang karaoke, we watched a movie, I drove them home. It was great...

I've been crabby ever since then. I have no real reason, just that I have plenty of reason and no reason at all. So there!

I'm at work right now, of course. And I'm closing tonight at ten. Then I have to go home, make final costume arrangements and all that jazz. Then I can finish memorizing my lines, before going to bed and then getting up bright and early to get to the tea room. I'm so...grrr! Oh, well.

So yeah...I want to be part of an "and". Sunnie AND Paul, Sarah AND Andre, Sunnie AND Alex, Lurae AND Nikki....I've never been a part of an and before, except in "Corrie and Sunnie's house..." and...that will not do. I want to be associated with someone enough to be their and. That's what I want. You know what I also want? A Valentine's Day. I haven't had one since 5th grade, when valentines were mandatory. In 12th grade, my locker that I allowed two other girls to use...was totally decked out in Valentines day stuff. MY locker...none of it was for me. Not even a note. There were bears, and chocolates, and roses, and poetry...all of it was for the two other girls. In my locker. Nikki and Lurae....someone I thought was our mutual friend did it....that's just so...cruel! How could you? Even if you hated me, you don't decorate a locker for 2 out of 3 people who use it. You especially don't cut out the person the locker belongs to! Ugh...it still hurts. Oh, well. During passing times, I took friends to my locker and told them to help themselves to the candy. It was just...so hurtful, I needed to get rid of it. I hated letting them use my locker after that.

Well, anyway. I'm not expecting a Valentine's day...I just...want one. Oh, well! I don't need it. I'll watch a few love stories, all will be well. I have to get going back to work now... and I'm gonna fall asleep on my feet! Oh, well. Talk to you later....journal.

Me

AHHH! Boy, I haven't written in here for a long time! Everytime I tell myself "Gee, you should really be writing a litlle somethin somethin in that journal of yours!" I just...don't. I get overwhelmed because I'm like "What do I write about" at first, and then it's "Well, then I'd have to write about this, and this, and this, and this..." And so by the time I actually write anything, I'm sure that so much ahs happened, that I leave out all the good things! LORD! Okay. I'm over it.

So! Looking back, I haven't had anything all that interesting to talk about. So let's see what ground I can cover tonight!

So I confessed to seeing "Peter Pan" awhile back there, huh? Well, yes. I did...3 times total. Feeling guilty the entire time, ebcause I couldn't take my eyes off of 14 year old Jeremy Sumpter. I'm SICK! I know it. But hey...when you've been all alone for 20 years, you really notice attractiveness, no matter what more it comes in. So, Jeremy Sumpter is 14, but he seems older, I swear! And he's just sooooo adorable! Well, I continued to feel guilty until Nikki showed up for her usual limited 'Corrie time'. I confessed my cradle robbing sins to her, and then proceded to tell her everything about the movie. Suddenly, I had her ready and willing to go to the next showing. I was like...hey, if I'm going down someone's going with me! So, that was the third time I saw it. She was hooked. Swooning over the younger man right along with me! Bwa-ha-ha...so the guilt was SLIGHTLY lessened. Kelly still won't let me live it down though. Oh, well. I like what I like!

So, Nikki had to scurry home of course. That was a total of three and a half hours. We made plans for the following Wednesday, to basically spend the day together. I jokingly went and bought us each a Peter Pan movie story book...okay, maybe not so jokingly, but hey! It makes me happy. So, I idiotically waited for Nikki to call. And she did! To cancel... as usual. Silly me, thinking I'd get more than a few hours! How DUMB! I'm not Lurae...or anyone and everyone else. Which makes me far less important. I say it, because it's true.

Sure, her reason was reason enough, but i'm sure she never had to cancel on anyone else during Holiday break. I'm just that special. Anyway, she said she still wanted to stop by. So, the day I had taken off of work to spend with her, was me home alone all day waiting for Nikki to grace me with her presence for a measly 15 minutes. And wait I did! Waste, is more like it.

I presented her with her book, and she swooned and cooed before she had to scurry back home before her mother realized she was at my house. Of course, I always ENJOY the time I spend with her...but seriously. The whole day gone for that?

Oh, well. She went home without another word in my direction, and that's what I'm used to. The occasional e-mail will suffice. ANYWAY! On January 8th, it was Jessi's birthday. I made her a wonderful card, and bought her a LOTR poster card set. Not cheap mind you! And I had to reserve it. Klecker came, so that was fun. her mom was treating a group of ten people to Applebee's. I knew almost everyone. All but one, I think. But they were all sort of...past friends, you know? From like, Middle school and the occasional high school gathering. So! I talked mostly to Klecker and Jesse Gangl (Who is close with Jessi, but I didn't really know him that well.) about our Lord of the Rings action figure collections. Jesse won.

Afterwards, we went back to Jessi's, and I fell asleep almost, so I went home to go to bed at like...9:30! I'm a loser.

Since then, Jessi and I have spent some quality time together. We even started writing a play! It was...fun. We're weird. And we're in love with Orlando! Still...boy, is my guy list becoming quite extensive. Now all I need is a REAL boy, and I'm not talkin Pinnochio here people.

Well...I'm sure I'll think of REAL news later on, but as for right now...and i know I said I'd write the plot down of Nicholas Nickleby...but, I don't feel like it. I feel like being done now...

So, later! Bye!

Hello! Absolutely nothing interesting has happened lately...well, not since I last wrote anyway. I'm at work again, and I have to do counter and roaster today. So I shouldn't be in a good mood. But I am. I am one big roller coaster ride, that's for sure. ANYWAY! In my last entry, I forgot to mention my favorite movie of the moment. No, I don't think I have one favorite altogether...but this one is gosh darn good!

I had wanted to see it for quite awhile. What is it, you ask? "Nicholas Nickleby". It's a Charles Dickens play, and it was made into a movie a long time ago, and then they re-made it. it was up for best picture in 2002. ANYWAY! I had wanted to see it, because I love movies set back in the day, and I liked the cast. But I had never gotten around to it! Funny...I won't spend $5 to rent it, but I will buy it the minute it hits the $9.44 rack at Target. I guess I figure if I rented it and liked it, I'd have to spend twice as much to buy it later. Might as well take the risk and keep it forever, right? That's what I think...

ANYWAY! So, I bought it totally impulsively the day Kelly left. My mom sent me on random errands all over the place, and I needed some entertainment. So I grabbed it. There were a lot of new ones, but to distract my indecisive mind, I snatched up the first one that looked appealing, so I wouldn't have to analyze and later...regret.

After my numerous errands, I went home and did laundry, made my mom lunch, cleaned the house, took a shower, just so I could enjoy the movie undisturbed with no "to-do" list sitting restlessly in the back of my mind.

I popped the movie in, and began enjoying it the minute it started. If you haven't seen it, you need to because SERIOUSLY! It's fantastic. I think in my next entry, I shall record the entire plot. It's not exactly the kind of movie you'd go rent or buy on your own. Unless you're me! I feel like recording the plot down, then maybe I'll attract an audience for it.

Right now, I think I have to go back to work...but first. I love that movie! AHH! The lead guy who plays Nicholas Nickleby? He's HOT!!!! But seriously, the movie is good. He's not the only reason. (His name is Charlie Hunnam, he's british, and he's just...gorgeous.)

Well, I better get going. FYI-- the girl next to me, I feel bad. Her friend Dennis just called her cell phone, and she freaked out about something. She thought he had said he was at the highschool...but he said hospital. Then she called someone named Joel, and it turns out that Dennis' dad is at the hospital because he had a severe attack of some sort last night, and is not expected to live through the day. Apparently Dennis was crying on the phone...geez, I'm weird. But I have to know everyone's story. I love people and their lives...and then I write it down.

Well, now that I'm done eavesdropping, I should get back to work. (See? I know so much about other people that they have no idea I know. Bwa-ha-ha!)

ANYWAY! Over and out. Plot of Nicholas Nickleby soon to follow.

BYE! --

Corrie

Know what? After I said the last entry I wrote disappeared, it reappeared. Imagine that. So! Where did I leave off? Let's see.... I'm gonna have to browse for a minute. Okay, so basically I was going crazy. Same old same old. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I was real sick awhile back. And guess what? Sick again!

Today, is New Year's Day. Kelly left on the 30th, and we did not part on the best of times. It seems Kelly and Sunnie tricked me into driving to the airport, during the busiest flight season of the year. I nearly died, and everyone mocked me for being terrified. A mixture of heavy icy traffic and having never driven on the freeway before is NOT a good combination. In other words? I hated Kelly when she left. I was crying hard, but not because she was leaving. I had to get home all by myself. It was a horrible, horrible day.

So! Last night, New Year's Eve, it was planned for my entire family to go to Ruth and Earl's for a par-tay. Well! I got home from the tearoom yesterday...well, no. I got off two hours early for feeling quite ill and coughing on people...so I went to the movies. (Saw Peter Pan...it was so good! Were I that kid's age, I would have the biggest crush! He's a cutie...ANYWAY!) So, when I got back from the movies, I discovered my mom felt too sick to go, my dad was staying home with her, Sunnie (once again) was invited to a party that I was not (duh duh duh) and Jamie went to a friend's house. i was so sad! Because this was the first time since 8th grade I had had New Year's Eve plans. So know what happened? I went by myself. Easy as that. I felt so out of place, because my aunt is really my mom's cousin's ex-wife, so...we're distantly related, and they had all of their family there. And I was just kind of....there.

It was fun, don't get me wrong. But the majority of that group is adorable newlyweds, so... once the clock struck midnight...it was kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss...and Corrie. YAY! Oh, well. I'm used to being around adults. I have no friends my own age. EXCEPT Jessi.

Jessi called my cell phone while I was in Peter Pan yesterday, to report that she had recieved a wonderful Christmas present that she wanted to share with me. Pirates of the Caribbean tatoos. HAH! So, we're going to have fun with those when she gets home on Saturday.

I spose I have other friends my own age, but I never see them. It's more of a long distance relationship *grins* ANYWAY! Why do I have to work on New Year's day??? Why does this place have to be open? Grrr... Well, I DID volunteer to work today...but that was before I had..."plans". Oh, well. My resolution? Next year, I will have someone to kiss at midnight. So there...

Well, I have to go back to work now. It's just me and Sunnie here today. We thought it would be dead...boy were we wrong! Lordy be. Well, later tater!

C'est moi

A bientot!