I had a freaking emotional breakdown at work today. I hate it when that happens. unfortunately, it happens all too frequently with me. Why? Because my life is a ridiculous roller coaster, and I can barely handle it. I went home after only an hour. Mary Jo, the district manager had come through and changed...EVERYTHING. I just wanted to...quit. I had done the trivia board to where each letter of TRIVIA was a different Christmas type...thing. The T was a tree, etc... Mary Jo told them to erase it yesterday. I thought they did it out of spite. I rewrote it today, and Chris (my boss) came in and told me Mary Jo wanted it gone. The customers had loved it, and it made me...happy to look at it. It was a tiny bit of Christmas that I was clinging to, and it got taken away. It's the little things that make you crumble, and I did just that. I didn't mean to, and I hate that it happened there... but it was bound to happen eventually. I was walking a very thin line.
Mom's back in the hospital. She didn't land there for any cancer related issues, she ended up there because she broke her hip. She got out of bed, and slipped, swung around and crashed against the side of the bed. After hours of suffering at home, she was brought by ambulance to Regions Hospital.
They had planned to do a pretty miraculous ball replacement surgery that would have her up and walking in a matter of days. Unfortunately, after further examination they detected a heart murmur. They decided she would have to be in the hospital for at least a week before they could operate.
I feel like the medical staff at Regions is really not taking care of her. She hasn't eaten anything since Thanksgiving, and they haven't fed her via IV yet. Her mouth is so dry that she can't swallow, so they gave her pills to swallow...??? They didn't make sure she swallowed them, they just left them in her mouth. Since she is rarely conscious, the pills stay there, waiting to choke her. When I asked them to take the pills out of her mouth, the nurse said "I can't stick my hand in her mouth. Or rather--- I WON'T put my hand in her mouth." and...SMILED at me?!?!?! I was furious.
They check on her twice per shift to check her vitals. She could choke to death and no one would ever know. She is not hooked up to any monitors or IVs!!! If she has a heart condition now, they damn well should be monitoring her heart! And if she isn't eating or drinking anything, she should have an IV.
Day one at the hospital, I was with her for 10 hours. I can't even....ugh. She had been flat on her back since 2am, and at 6pm, a nurse decided---broken hip and all---that she should sit up. She began very rapidly and without warning cranking the bed up into a sitting position. Mom was screaming STOP at the top of her lungs, tears streaming down her face. The nurse ignored her, and told her to breathe. She said mom needed to drink some juice, and she couldn't do it lying down, and she couldn't tip the cup over her face. I yelled back at the nurse, who ignored me...so I pressed the button on the other side and put her back down. I glared at the woman, and said "Get a straw." She shrugged and walked away. She would SHUSH her whenever mom cried out in pain.
She is pure white, gaunt, dark circles under her eyes, constantly shaking. She is 53 years old and looks about 83. She went in because of a broken hip!!! They all keep talking about hospice care.
It's very possible mom has brain damage. She had a gamma knife procedure on her brain on November 25th. She wasn't given time to recover before she broke her hip. She wasn't entirely making sense, but now she's gone. She's hallucinating, and thinks Dad is a demon, and keeps kicking him out of the room. She thinks Sunnie and I are in elementary school, and asks Dad why we aren't in school and if he remembered to make our lunches.
It's so hard to go through every day acting like everything is normal, and perfectly okay. It's impossible to have Christmas all around you, and not be able to enjoy it. Every ounce of happiness is tainted with melancholy.
Sunnie and I went about bought a Christmas Tree with my tip change yesterday. We went to the house, and dug out the Christmas decor, and began festooning the house with pretend cheer. It started out well, but soon dwindled down to reveal the charade. The excitement vanished, the will suppressed. I went home, and Sunnie continued for a brief while to put lights on the tree with Paul.
Sunnie has been spending the nights with Paul's family, since Dad is spending every night at the hospital. He realized they have not been giving her the chemo injections that he gives her at home. They have all but made the decision to give up on her. They have her drugged into a stupor, barely human. They have locked her up and thrown away the key, seeing her as nothing more than a dying woman. She's not a person, we're not a family---we're a nuisance.
I'm so tired. SO tired.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
So...
having your tonsils out SUCKS. It hurts, and I haven't slept in days because the searing pain of swallowing wakes me up every ten minutes or so. It's maddening to be SO hungry, and unable to eat anything that resembles real food. The cold stuff that was promised to help makes it worse in my opinion. My only saving grace has been Lipton noodle soup, in the dry packet. It's magical, and has kept me alive.
In other...bad news, Mom's cancer has spread. It's in her brain, liver, pelvis, and femur in addition to the places it already was. (Lungs, kidney bed, etc...) They're starting up the home chemo injections again, along with a vigorous ten day stint of radiation.
The doctor was less that optimistic, urging my mom to prepare herself to lose the battle. He even coaxed her into suggesting that Sunnie move her wedding date up. My dad disagrees of course, confident in my mom's ability to fight forever onward.
I don't know where my opinion is... I'm in the middle. I can't imagine her actually...losing... I know no one ever lives forever, but we've beaten the odds SO many times for so many years, it just seems like just another downward slope on the roller coaster, and we'll be on our way back up soon enough. It's a good way to look at it I suppose.
I don't have the energy to elaborate too much at this time. Maybe later. Til then, farewell!!
having your tonsils out SUCKS. It hurts, and I haven't slept in days because the searing pain of swallowing wakes me up every ten minutes or so. It's maddening to be SO hungry, and unable to eat anything that resembles real food. The cold stuff that was promised to help makes it worse in my opinion. My only saving grace has been Lipton noodle soup, in the dry packet. It's magical, and has kept me alive.
In other...bad news, Mom's cancer has spread. It's in her brain, liver, pelvis, and femur in addition to the places it already was. (Lungs, kidney bed, etc...) They're starting up the home chemo injections again, along with a vigorous ten day stint of radiation.
The doctor was less that optimistic, urging my mom to prepare herself to lose the battle. He even coaxed her into suggesting that Sunnie move her wedding date up. My dad disagrees of course, confident in my mom's ability to fight forever onward.
I don't know where my opinion is... I'm in the middle. I can't imagine her actually...losing... I know no one ever lives forever, but we've beaten the odds SO many times for so many years, it just seems like just another downward slope on the roller coaster, and we'll be on our way back up soon enough. It's a good way to look at it I suppose.
I don't have the energy to elaborate too much at this time. Maybe later. Til then, farewell!!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I have said farewell to my tonsils! They went away yesterday. It was an interesting day!
My mom had decided that she wanted to be there for my operation, and I wanted Jamison to come because I didn't completely trust mom to be able to handle it...by being reliable, I mean. I knew Jamie would pay attention to the nurses for care instructions, because he's my nurse for a couple of days. (He's gotten up every four hours to give me my meds, sweet boy! I love him times a million)
Before we headed to the hospital, we went to City Hall to vote. Hiccup number one... mom's license expired in October, so she had no valid proof of ID. Good thing we were in the right building for her to renew it. Hiccup number two, since I have moved, apparently I have to vote at a different precinct. The library. Not too far away, but I was completely r-tarded, and took the long way. I was so preoccupied with the other goings on of the day, I just started walking down the strip mall to 4th street. For those of you who know the area... the freaking library is right across 61 from City Hall on 2nd Street. Yeah. I'm an idiot.
So, after I voted, I walked back to City Hall (the right way) and Mom and Jamie still weren't out yet. Weird. Turns out (and if my throat didn't murderously hurt right now, I would be laughing all over again) Mom had to do her ballot twice. Why? Well, she filled it out, and slipped it into the machine, and it was rejected over and over and over again. She was getting aggravated, and the ancient woman assisting her was clueless. Then the woman looked at it, and said "Oh. Ma'am, you can only vote for one president". Mom, completely being Mom, had decided that it would be a good idea to vote for John McCain AND Ralph Nader, not realizing that they were running for the same presidency. I guess in Mom's world the Green party is a different race altogether... if you have the opportunity, please give her crap! She's way embarrassed, but it's way too good to let slip by! So she had to get another ballot and start over at the back of the line.
After that, Mom and Jamison tortured me by having me sit with them while they had Burger King for breakfast. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything. That's just mean! Then we went back to the house for a bit, and then off to the hospital!
The operation went well, and it was an out patient procedure. All I remember is the typical questions (I had to pronounce my name for them about 15 times) and some guy telling me he knew a Lisa Killmer back when he was an intern, and then I was getting woken up from a very good dream, and absolutely freezing to death.
After I was awake enough to eat a popsicle, they brought Mom and Jamie in. When they had first woken me up, the nurse had shoved some ice chips in my mouth. I've never felt anything so glorious. When mom got there, she spied the cup, and gleefully shrieked "Ice chips!" and took them for herself. I had to laugh. Typical mom. "My mouth is so dry." she claimed, munching away. No, Corrie-- whose tonsils were just ripped out doesn't need to numb the pain at all. Help yourself. Oh, Mom. You're one of a kind.
Jamie reluctantly handed my book back to me. He and I are both reading the "Twilight" series, and I was on the last book. He finished the third before I finished the fourth, and was chomping at the bit to get it out of my hands. He was very grateful that I would be unconscious for a couple of hours so he could dive on in.
Those books--- without sounding incredibly cheesy, have changed my life. Or rather, changed it back. Because of those books, I have renewed a friendship I thought was beyond help, and I have caught the writing bug, and have a bazillion stories shooting through my head, just like I did all the way up until... the badness. Aside from "See Me Through" the last thing I COMPLETED was "Now And Forever"... when I realized that, my jaw dropped!
The last thing I can remember obsessively writing was "The Downside Of Blinking" which stopped dead in its tracks when I started dating BJ. When my writing stopped, my life just shot to hell very very fast. It left a giant void that I tried to fill with all the wrong things. (These are week long realizations that I'm summing up in a paragraph or two) BJ, moving, BJ, Andi, Pete, Nathan... the wrong things, meaning stupid men.
Before all of that happened, I was perfectly content (and made fun of) by living vicariously through my characters. They were my close personal friends, and very much a part of me. Their successes were mine, and I was just so happy to get to be a part of their stories! I didn't make them up, they told them to me. Laugh all you want, but it's true.
ANYWAY... this revelation about myself, and how to get back to who I was...helped me realize how Nikki and I became friends in the first place. My writing. It just made it so easy to see how to get everything to fall back into place. And it did! It feels so good to find myself again. The bitterness just melted away, I talk to her all the time, it's just fantastic. We're both relieved, I think... to know that it wasn't all for naught.
ANYWAY... time for a lifesaving popsicle. Ow times 12. Farewell friends!
-ME!
My mom had decided that she wanted to be there for my operation, and I wanted Jamison to come because I didn't completely trust mom to be able to handle it...by being reliable, I mean. I knew Jamie would pay attention to the nurses for care instructions, because he's my nurse for a couple of days. (He's gotten up every four hours to give me my meds, sweet boy! I love him times a million)
Before we headed to the hospital, we went to City Hall to vote. Hiccup number one... mom's license expired in October, so she had no valid proof of ID. Good thing we were in the right building for her to renew it. Hiccup number two, since I have moved, apparently I have to vote at a different precinct. The library. Not too far away, but I was completely r-tarded, and took the long way. I was so preoccupied with the other goings on of the day, I just started walking down the strip mall to 4th street. For those of you who know the area... the freaking library is right across 61 from City Hall on 2nd Street. Yeah. I'm an idiot.
So, after I voted, I walked back to City Hall (the right way) and Mom and Jamie still weren't out yet. Weird. Turns out (and if my throat didn't murderously hurt right now, I would be laughing all over again) Mom had to do her ballot twice. Why? Well, she filled it out, and slipped it into the machine, and it was rejected over and over and over again. She was getting aggravated, and the ancient woman assisting her was clueless. Then the woman looked at it, and said "Oh. Ma'am, you can only vote for one president". Mom, completely being Mom, had decided that it would be a good idea to vote for John McCain AND Ralph Nader, not realizing that they were running for the same presidency. I guess in Mom's world the Green party is a different race altogether... if you have the opportunity, please give her crap! She's way embarrassed, but it's way too good to let slip by! So she had to get another ballot and start over at the back of the line.
After that, Mom and Jamison tortured me by having me sit with them while they had Burger King for breakfast. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything. That's just mean! Then we went back to the house for a bit, and then off to the hospital!
The operation went well, and it was an out patient procedure. All I remember is the typical questions (I had to pronounce my name for them about 15 times) and some guy telling me he knew a Lisa Killmer back when he was an intern, and then I was getting woken up from a very good dream, and absolutely freezing to death.
After I was awake enough to eat a popsicle, they brought Mom and Jamie in. When they had first woken me up, the nurse had shoved some ice chips in my mouth. I've never felt anything so glorious. When mom got there, she spied the cup, and gleefully shrieked "Ice chips!" and took them for herself. I had to laugh. Typical mom. "My mouth is so dry." she claimed, munching away. No, Corrie-- whose tonsils were just ripped out doesn't need to numb the pain at all. Help yourself. Oh, Mom. You're one of a kind.
Jamie reluctantly handed my book back to me. He and I are both reading the "Twilight" series, and I was on the last book. He finished the third before I finished the fourth, and was chomping at the bit to get it out of my hands. He was very grateful that I would be unconscious for a couple of hours so he could dive on in.
Those books--- without sounding incredibly cheesy, have changed my life. Or rather, changed it back. Because of those books, I have renewed a friendship I thought was beyond help, and I have caught the writing bug, and have a bazillion stories shooting through my head, just like I did all the way up until... the badness. Aside from "See Me Through" the last thing I COMPLETED was "Now And Forever"... when I realized that, my jaw dropped!
The last thing I can remember obsessively writing was "The Downside Of Blinking" which stopped dead in its tracks when I started dating BJ. When my writing stopped, my life just shot to hell very very fast. It left a giant void that I tried to fill with all the wrong things. (These are week long realizations that I'm summing up in a paragraph or two) BJ, moving, BJ, Andi, Pete, Nathan... the wrong things, meaning stupid men.
Before all of that happened, I was perfectly content (and made fun of) by living vicariously through my characters. They were my close personal friends, and very much a part of me. Their successes were mine, and I was just so happy to get to be a part of their stories! I didn't make them up, they told them to me. Laugh all you want, but it's true.
ANYWAY... this revelation about myself, and how to get back to who I was...helped me realize how Nikki and I became friends in the first place. My writing. It just made it so easy to see how to get everything to fall back into place. And it did! It feels so good to find myself again. The bitterness just melted away, I talk to her all the time, it's just fantastic. We're both relieved, I think... to know that it wasn't all for naught.
ANYWAY... time for a lifesaving popsicle. Ow times 12. Farewell friends!
-ME!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Goodbye, Nathan.
BAH!
You find a slice of happy, and you put it on a plate.
You get your fork and napkin ready, but the napkin comes too late.
You missed the plate completely, and the slice then hits the floor.
You really should know better, and should not expect much more.
You do deserve some happy, but the happy's not for you.
You think it's time, but you seem to know that simply isn't true.
You know it will come someday, but that someday should be now!
You are very sick of thinking, and of always asking how.
You know that it will find you, when you least expect it to.
You always hear them tell you that, and wish the time you knew!
Hooray for impromptu poetry! LONG story short, the melancholy remains. First, it was nearly suffocating to watch as October 10th and 11th snuck by without a backwards glance of consequence. See Me Through would have already been performed and adored (hopefully) by now. Can you believe it? It didn't happen. Overall, I'm grateful... but I feel like a loved one died or something. It's this dull ache I can't seem to get rid of. Boo.
On top of that, Nathan lied. Nathan lied BIG. Nathan lied continuously and consistently. Had he been upfront about it from the beginning, I probably would have been able to be okay. But since he lied and hid half his life from me throughout our entire relationship... THAT'S the part I have a bigger problem with. I hate lies. I hate liars! It's so unfair when the truth comes out.
I really liked him. I was excited about him! I was happy when I was with him. We really truly hit it off, and I thought I knew most of the things about him. WRONG. A lot of the things he had told me were lies to cover up his other lies. I'm so disappointed! That's the suffocating part. The disappointment. I really wanted it to work. So did he, which is why he came out with the truth in the first place. He liked me, and wanted to be honest. He left it up to me. Not fair! I feel like someone let all the air out of my tires, and I can't go anywhere. I'm stuck. My head goes both ways on the subject.
Nathan was always distant. He always loved hearing from me and talking to me, but I had to contact him first pretty much every single time. But he told me to! We had had a lot of conversations, deep honest ones. ( I THOUGHT!!!) And he told me that openness and honesty is extremely important in a relationship. So I laid all my cards out on the table immediately. Told him everything that could have (and has) scared people away. Told him all about mom, and the sordid details of the men of the past. He told me all about his past too.
He told me he had done something very unconventional. He had been a promiscuous man of sorts, and had gotten a reversible vasectomy. Why? Because he didn't want to get anyone pregnant. Okay... and it's not always reversible. Okay... You don't enter into a relationship planning on it being temporary (at least I don't) so of course I had to weigh out the implications of his confession, were our relationship to progress and become serious. It was hard to process, because I want to be a mommy. He told me he wasn't ready to have a family or to be a father, but he knew that someday he would be, so that's why he got the reversible one. He also had a sample frozen just in case. I believed him.
After dating for a month, Nathan decided to tell me (via IM) that he had been less than honest with me. He told me he had been engaged once, and that he had not gotten a vasectomy for the reasons he had given me before. He had his vasectomy after having two children with his ex fiancee. He has a five year old and a 19 month old!!!!
All the times he had been non-responsive, "sick" or absent... he had been with his children that I knew nothing about. My jaw hit the floor and stayed there.
Had he told me from the beginning, I would have been able to warm up to the idea, and see if that were really a relationship I wanted to be in. When you date the daddy, you date his family too. He hid that from me, and didn't give me a choice in the matter at all. So hence the enormous amount on conflicting thoughts.
I want to get married and have a family. He already has one. I want to be called Mommy, not Corrie. I want to be able to give a man his very first child, and have every first I experience to be a first with him too! I don't want there to be a constant comparison between his children and my children. I would hate that barrier.
I know that millions of women are step-mothers. I know that I could be that person if I had to be. If I fell in love with the man, I would fall in love with his children, too. I know it's possible to love children that are not biologically yours, I've been a nanny. I loved them, they loved me. But I don't think I could get past never being their mother... they already have one.
Nathan and I weren't serious, so those are semi-irrational thoughts. But just in general! I have dated the daddy before, and forgive the phrase, there was never ending baby mama drama. I don't want to be 'the other woman' who is constantly portrayed as the villain (just ask Disney!) and a reoccurring excuse for battle between ex lovers.
I want to be allowed to hold, cuddle and love the children in my home. I want to be able to scold when necessary. I have been a good surrogate mommy and have been adored for it...but this is different. Real mommy would most definitely want to bypass my authority whenever possible.
I want a family, Nathan already had his. His schedule is so random, that he rarely was able to make for sure plans with me. "Maybe Wednesday or Thursday" except I would never hear from him. Why? He was with his kids. If he never knows what his schedule would be, how could I fit into that picture? He kept that part of his life very secret and very separate. I'm sure were I to attempt to introduce some sort of a schedule (like most people do with shared custody!!!) I would be viewed as pure evil hands down.
When I asked him why he would hide something that huge from me, he said "I get kinda skiddish about telling people about them. I don't want to be rejected because of it." That's what angered me. His children are a part of HIM! If people are going to reject him because of them, they're rejecting HIM. It's better to find out sooner rather than later. If they don't want his kids, they don't want him. Then they're not worth pursuing a relationship with. And then I felt bad for his children. If I had children, I would proclaim it loud and proud! But it was so easy for him to pretend like they didn't exist, and leave them out of his life completely. That's horrible. Who's to say he wouldn't do the same thing to me? "No, I'm not seeing anyone. What's your name?" Because of course he would be rejected were he to mention he DID in fact have a girlfriend.
So, yeah. It sucks! He decided he liked me enough to tell me the truth, but the truth was kind of huge...and the lies to cover it were even MORE huge. And he said he would understand if I didn't want to see him anymore. So conflicted! I liked him! I missed him when he was gone! We enjoyed all the same things, and he made me laugh. I needed that. But he repeatedly lied straight to my face. And I feel like he would be disappearing often, and it seems like he wouldn't want me to be a part of the life he has with his children. His daughters. And so I would be left out, left behind, left in the back.
I've been invisible before when a father was around his child. It wasn't my child, so it wasn't my concern...except that it was. I don't know how to explain it. Jealous of a child? No...just jealous of the picture, and wanting to be a part of it. Wanting to be seen at the same time as the child in the eyes of the father. Wanting him to see me in that picture too. Not permanently, because that would be premature. But when dating, you picture things, scenes in the future and see if the person you're dating is the missing piece to that puzzle. I wasn't given the opportunity to do that. If that makes sense.
It may sound selfish, but I want to be everything to someone. When you first start dating someone, that's the best part! You can't get enough of each other, you spend as much time as possible together, and you get to be giddy and silly. When there are children involved, there are suddenly all types of restrictions. "No, not Wednesday I've got my kids. The youngest has the dentist on Thursday and I have to take her because her mom---" blah blah so on and so on. Yes, single parents deserve to find their happiness too. I know. That's why I feel selfish. I've just never ever been at the top of anyone's list, and I just REALLY want to see what that feels like!
BJ had his family and was half a country away for most of our relationship, Andi had Jocelyn (and was just selfish in general), Pete just had...problems... and Nathan, well yeah. I want to be everything to someone...at least for a little while.
I haven't heard from Nathan since. I told him since I always initiate contact, if he wanted to talk to me he could contact ME. He hasn't. Maybe he thinks I need space? Maybe I do. Maybe we never talk again? Maybe we don't. I think I'm okay though. Why? Because turns out I don't know him at all. Imagine that.
So, that's my rant for now. I am repeatedly told I am young, and I have all the time in the world to find my happily ever after. It's hard to avoid the panic when everyone around you is or already HAS found that. Everyone is getting married and having babies. I'm jealous, and lonely. That's the truth. That, and I grew up so fast under the pressure of my insane life circumstances that I feel like I'm in my late forties, not 24. Blah.
Okay, all done. Going to a new church today! Calvary Baptist, Christine's church. I am praying I will feel something I haven't felt in a long time when walking through church doors. God. That would be awesome.
G'bye!
-C'est MOI!!!
BAH!
You find a slice of happy, and you put it on a plate.
You get your fork and napkin ready, but the napkin comes too late.
You missed the plate completely, and the slice then hits the floor.
You really should know better, and should not expect much more.
You do deserve some happy, but the happy's not for you.
You think it's time, but you seem to know that simply isn't true.
You know it will come someday, but that someday should be now!
You are very sick of thinking, and of always asking how.
You know that it will find you, when you least expect it to.
You always hear them tell you that, and wish the time you knew!
Hooray for impromptu poetry! LONG story short, the melancholy remains. First, it was nearly suffocating to watch as October 10th and 11th snuck by without a backwards glance of consequence. See Me Through would have already been performed and adored (hopefully) by now. Can you believe it? It didn't happen. Overall, I'm grateful... but I feel like a loved one died or something. It's this dull ache I can't seem to get rid of. Boo.
On top of that, Nathan lied. Nathan lied BIG. Nathan lied continuously and consistently. Had he been upfront about it from the beginning, I probably would have been able to be okay. But since he lied and hid half his life from me throughout our entire relationship... THAT'S the part I have a bigger problem with. I hate lies. I hate liars! It's so unfair when the truth comes out.
I really liked him. I was excited about him! I was happy when I was with him. We really truly hit it off, and I thought I knew most of the things about him. WRONG. A lot of the things he had told me were lies to cover up his other lies. I'm so disappointed! That's the suffocating part. The disappointment. I really wanted it to work. So did he, which is why he came out with the truth in the first place. He liked me, and wanted to be honest. He left it up to me. Not fair! I feel like someone let all the air out of my tires, and I can't go anywhere. I'm stuck. My head goes both ways on the subject.
Nathan was always distant. He always loved hearing from me and talking to me, but I had to contact him first pretty much every single time. But he told me to! We had had a lot of conversations, deep honest ones. ( I THOUGHT!!!) And he told me that openness and honesty is extremely important in a relationship. So I laid all my cards out on the table immediately. Told him everything that could have (and has) scared people away. Told him all about mom, and the sordid details of the men of the past. He told me all about his past too.
He told me he had done something very unconventional. He had been a promiscuous man of sorts, and had gotten a reversible vasectomy. Why? Because he didn't want to get anyone pregnant. Okay... and it's not always reversible. Okay... You don't enter into a relationship planning on it being temporary (at least I don't) so of course I had to weigh out the implications of his confession, were our relationship to progress and become serious. It was hard to process, because I want to be a mommy. He told me he wasn't ready to have a family or to be a father, but he knew that someday he would be, so that's why he got the reversible one. He also had a sample frozen just in case. I believed him.
After dating for a month, Nathan decided to tell me (via IM) that he had been less than honest with me. He told me he had been engaged once, and that he had not gotten a vasectomy for the reasons he had given me before. He had his vasectomy after having two children with his ex fiancee. He has a five year old and a 19 month old!!!!
All the times he had been non-responsive, "sick" or absent... he had been with his children that I knew nothing about. My jaw hit the floor and stayed there.
Had he told me from the beginning, I would have been able to warm up to the idea, and see if that were really a relationship I wanted to be in. When you date the daddy, you date his family too. He hid that from me, and didn't give me a choice in the matter at all. So hence the enormous amount on conflicting thoughts.
I want to get married and have a family. He already has one. I want to be called Mommy, not Corrie. I want to be able to give a man his very first child, and have every first I experience to be a first with him too! I don't want there to be a constant comparison between his children and my children. I would hate that barrier.
I know that millions of women are step-mothers. I know that I could be that person if I had to be. If I fell in love with the man, I would fall in love with his children, too. I know it's possible to love children that are not biologically yours, I've been a nanny. I loved them, they loved me. But I don't think I could get past never being their mother... they already have one.
Nathan and I weren't serious, so those are semi-irrational thoughts. But just in general! I have dated the daddy before, and forgive the phrase, there was never ending baby mama drama. I don't want to be 'the other woman' who is constantly portrayed as the villain (just ask Disney!) and a reoccurring excuse for battle between ex lovers.
I want to be allowed to hold, cuddle and love the children in my home. I want to be able to scold when necessary. I have been a good surrogate mommy and have been adored for it...but this is different. Real mommy would most definitely want to bypass my authority whenever possible.
I want a family, Nathan already had his. His schedule is so random, that he rarely was able to make for sure plans with me. "Maybe Wednesday or Thursday" except I would never hear from him. Why? He was with his kids. If he never knows what his schedule would be, how could I fit into that picture? He kept that part of his life very secret and very separate. I'm sure were I to attempt to introduce some sort of a schedule (like most people do with shared custody!!!) I would be viewed as pure evil hands down.
When I asked him why he would hide something that huge from me, he said "I get kinda skiddish about telling people about them. I don't want to be rejected because of it." That's what angered me. His children are a part of HIM! If people are going to reject him because of them, they're rejecting HIM. It's better to find out sooner rather than later. If they don't want his kids, they don't want him. Then they're not worth pursuing a relationship with. And then I felt bad for his children. If I had children, I would proclaim it loud and proud! But it was so easy for him to pretend like they didn't exist, and leave them out of his life completely. That's horrible. Who's to say he wouldn't do the same thing to me? "No, I'm not seeing anyone. What's your name?" Because of course he would be rejected were he to mention he DID in fact have a girlfriend.
So, yeah. It sucks! He decided he liked me enough to tell me the truth, but the truth was kind of huge...and the lies to cover it were even MORE huge. And he said he would understand if I didn't want to see him anymore. So conflicted! I liked him! I missed him when he was gone! We enjoyed all the same things, and he made me laugh. I needed that. But he repeatedly lied straight to my face. And I feel like he would be disappearing often, and it seems like he wouldn't want me to be a part of the life he has with his children. His daughters. And so I would be left out, left behind, left in the back.
I've been invisible before when a father was around his child. It wasn't my child, so it wasn't my concern...except that it was. I don't know how to explain it. Jealous of a child? No...just jealous of the picture, and wanting to be a part of it. Wanting to be seen at the same time as the child in the eyes of the father. Wanting him to see me in that picture too. Not permanently, because that would be premature. But when dating, you picture things, scenes in the future and see if the person you're dating is the missing piece to that puzzle. I wasn't given the opportunity to do that. If that makes sense.
It may sound selfish, but I want to be everything to someone. When you first start dating someone, that's the best part! You can't get enough of each other, you spend as much time as possible together, and you get to be giddy and silly. When there are children involved, there are suddenly all types of restrictions. "No, not Wednesday I've got my kids. The youngest has the dentist on Thursday and I have to take her because her mom---" blah blah so on and so on. Yes, single parents deserve to find their happiness too. I know. That's why I feel selfish. I've just never ever been at the top of anyone's list, and I just REALLY want to see what that feels like!
BJ had his family and was half a country away for most of our relationship, Andi had Jocelyn (and was just selfish in general), Pete just had...problems... and Nathan, well yeah. I want to be everything to someone...at least for a little while.
I haven't heard from Nathan since. I told him since I always initiate contact, if he wanted to talk to me he could contact ME. He hasn't. Maybe he thinks I need space? Maybe I do. Maybe we never talk again? Maybe we don't. I think I'm okay though. Why? Because turns out I don't know him at all. Imagine that.
So, that's my rant for now. I am repeatedly told I am young, and I have all the time in the world to find my happily ever after. It's hard to avoid the panic when everyone around you is or already HAS found that. Everyone is getting married and having babies. I'm jealous, and lonely. That's the truth. That, and I grew up so fast under the pressure of my insane life circumstances that I feel like I'm in my late forties, not 24. Blah.
Okay, all done. Going to a new church today! Calvary Baptist, Christine's church. I am praying I will feel something I haven't felt in a long time when walking through church doors. God. That would be awesome.
G'bye!
-C'est MOI!!!
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
So, here I am on my beloved lap top in the Caribou parking lot waiting for Chris. Doc says tonsils must come out. He says it's a lot harder on adults, and I could be kept out of commission for two weeks. One week at the least. I'm SCREWED! Two weeks no work? Looks like rent money will be difficult to come by. Hmmm...
ANYWAY! Nathan gets home from California in six days. It will be good to see him, I think. We've technically been "dating" for a month, and I will have seen him a grand total of three times. I feel like I'm in another long distance relationship. No! I refuse. Hahaha. So... hopefully things will get better and we can become a somewhat normal couple. We'll see.
Well, I guess that's all for now. Chris texted me to say he's going to be five minutes late. Surprise, surprise. Another day at The Bou. Kill me now.
Later all.
ANYWAY! Nathan gets home from California in six days. It will be good to see him, I think. We've technically been "dating" for a month, and I will have seen him a grand total of three times. I feel like I'm in another long distance relationship. No! I refuse. Hahaha. So... hopefully things will get better and we can become a somewhat normal couple. We'll see.
Well, I guess that's all for now. Chris texted me to say he's going to be five minutes late. Surprise, surprise. Another day at The Bou. Kill me now.
Later all.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
MAJOR GROSSNESS-- DON'T LOOK IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT!!!
This picture is an example as to why I am going to the ear nose and throat doctor tomorrow. It's very possible I may have to have my tonsils removed. I hope insurance covers a lot of that sort of thing! Otherwise I am doomed to have a throat that looks like that repeatedly! If you can't tell, it's completely closed off, and I couldn't breathe at night. WAY fun. Not. Anyway, I'm off! I posted it, just so I can always remember how disgusting it looked. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!! Bye!
This picture is an example as to why I am going to the ear nose and throat doctor tomorrow. It's very possible I may have to have my tonsils removed. I hope insurance covers a lot of that sort of thing! Otherwise I am doomed to have a throat that looks like that repeatedly! If you can't tell, it's completely closed off, and I couldn't breathe at night. WAY fun. Not. Anyway, I'm off! I posted it, just so I can always remember how disgusting it looked. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!!! Bye!
I have a lot I want to write about, and don't even know where to begin. I find myself trapped in that melancholy state again. There's no real reason to feel this way. Life is continuing on in its usual mundane stupor, the same problems occurring and reoccurring. Why bother even mentioning it? Because after awhile, these continuations can begin to eat away at you until you're barely recognizable, and that's what I'm afraid of. Disappearing altogether.
It's strange when you realize that the things you've been relying on, the "rocks" so to speak, the foundations in your life that you can lean on...it's very strange when you realize that those things are no longer there.
It goes without saying that there's been a gigantic role reversal when it comes to me and my parents. I walk into their house and its reminiscent of a tomb. Dead silence, stillness completely suffocating. There's dust everywhere, no signs of active life. My parents rarely if ever find themselves in a vertical state these days, the intrigue of horizontal living taking complete control. The medications leave my mother in a a very strange state in which she can barely get her eyes to focus when she's actually conscious. Pain is an understatement. You have to find humor in the random string of words that make their way out of her mouth...or you'll absolutely drown in sorrow. As dramatic as that may sound, it's true. My dad was my rock. Now he literally IS a rock. When he's home, he is completely silent and stationary...even when he's awake. I'm the parent now. If you don't believe me, ask my wallet.
Nikki. It seemed like something never ending. I don't know what I expected. I feel like the small town friend that people leave behind, only to come back and realize that I never changed, and therefore could never fit into the life they've made for themselves. The truth is though, I've changed more than they have. They have no idea. It's so strange when you find that the people you thought knew you the best, don't know you at all.
I miss the dramatic goodbyes, and the I'll miss yous, and the I love yous, and the countdowns until reunions. I see Nikki once or twice a year. Last week was the Hanson concert in Minneapolis. I was so unbelievably excited to see Nikki. I had gotten her a ticket on a whim, and she was actually able to make it. It was our one day of the year to spend together. I had gotten her reserved for more than a couple of hours (which is as good as it gets were you to recall the previous five or six years of our friendship) and was so SO excited.
When we picked her up, she was weepy over the idea of leaving a friend that she had been attached to at the hip for months. She wouldn't see him again until Christmas. Had it slipped her mind that she rarely-- if EVER saw me, and wouldn't see me until Christmas either? (if she had the time, anyway) This put into effect my self pity and loathing, and wondering when had I become so completely and totally... unimportant. I was no longer tear inducing. I wasn't... anything. I was that girl that she was going to a concert with.
The rest of the day went on as such...with a few tiffs and arguments with both Sunnie AND Nikki, when they failed to realize just how much conversations about the several events..past/present and future that I was NOT a part of hurt me. REALLY hurt me. To be so invisible! Everyone I know is growing up, moving on, and I have been left out of EVERY single one of their life altering events. It's the same old feeling, that I just can't shake. I can't understand it. I don't know WHY--- I'm barely here. I'm barely here, and can't shake the feeling...the panicky feeling, almost urgency...that I need to just go. Just get out! I've been stepped on to the point that people no longer feel me beneath their feet. It's time to get off the floor.
Nikki brought up that it bothered her that her ex-boyfriend Scott was spending time with Lurae and company. I said she should speak up. She mentioned that she couldn't do that, she had brought him into the group in the first place. Ah, yes. The group. The group I had been cast out of for no apparent reason. With bitterness in my heart, I couldn't help but wonder...why couldn't have you brought ME into the group? Why am I so different?
Then there's the phrase that Andi said to me once that haunts me. "They had a problem with you. YOU. You're the common denominator in these equations here, Corrie. Think about THAT!" And even though it makes sense, it still baffles me. I didn't do anything. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe I didn't do enough? I have no idea.
I also know that I deal with way more than most people can comprehend, and that scares them away. I really--I am sad, but I can't blame anyone for that. If I were in their shoes, I'd probably take them for a spin in the opposite direction even faster than they did. I may be a lot of things, but an idiot isn't one of them.
Nikki spent a great deal of her time on the phone that day, and I couldn't hide how much it bothered me. It was easier to see me through her eyes then, all of the sudden. I'm not who I was to her, and I probably never will be. I waited for the self pity and loathing to REALLY set in, but it didn't. Because I realized she isn't to ME who she used to be either. It's still habit to call her first when something happens, but then I have to remind myself that she won't answer, and if I leave a message, she won't get around to returning in for quite some time. There are people way higher up on her priority list, as they SHOULD be. That's what people go to college for. (And education, I suppose) Those are the relationships that last, those are the friends you never forget. The high school chums? Those are the ones you squint at in yearbooks trying to remember why you were supposed to remember them.
I think I look for reasons to feel hurt and angry, so I don't have to see things for what they really are. Nikki changed, Corrie changed. I know that if something huge happens, and I need the Nikki squeal, or the solidarity I have always been able to count on her for, she will be able to give that to me. I also know that when she says she'll pray, she really will. I know that she is the most loving, caring person I have ever known, and how she never runs out of concern for people baffles me. I do know that she is often times oblivious to things that seem very obvious to me... but I'm also incredibly over analytical, and I know that all too well. I see things that probably aren't even there, because I have such an urgent need to understand EVERYTHING that's going on around me.
Coming to all of these realizations brings peace, but also sadness. Nikki never judged me. I could talk to her about anything. I could tell her the things that would randomly plague me about my past with BJ, and she would calm me instead of rolling her eyes and telling me to get over it. I tell Kelly more than I tell anyone, but there are certain things I can't go to her about. So I would go to Nikki. When something comes up about Andi, I can't talk to Kelly. It's a very sore subject. I can't talk to Sunnie about ANYTHING, because she couldn't care less, and that's just the truth. This is why I miss Nikki. This is why I will CONTINUE to miss Nikki, because that is a substantial loss.
It's gotten to the point where I am attempting to find my identity reflected in what I do every day. That's not who I am, it's what I do...but those two ideas are becoming completely interchangeable. I am a chauffeur, I am an ATM, I am a barista, I am a servant, I am a medical consultant, I am a shadow, I am --- I have no idea.
Every day I work earlier than the majority of the population. I smile, I make their day better. A lot of times they return the favor! It's true. When I get home, my phone rings. Somebody needs a ride, somebody needs something from the store, someone always NEEDS something, and they need me to get it, bring them, do it, and all without complaint. Why? Because I'm a good daughter. I'm a good friend. I'm a good sister. I'm a good...stranger. They don't know me. I don't know me.
You know what I wish? I wish I could just, start over. Start from scratch! I've always longed for that story book relationship of girlie best friends that have known each other since birth, and stay best friends forever! BFF!! Sounds cheesy, right? Right...but I have always ALWAYS wanted it. I would also warn myself to stay away from sugar right from the start. Deny myself immediately to completely bypass the problem altogether. A thinner Corrie would be a happier Corrie by far. Because even if I COULD start over, I know my mom would still be the same mom, so if I were still a chubby Corrie, she would be just as mean. I would know how to handle relationships better, so I could bypass BJ and Andi too, and just skip the heartache and remorse.
I'm getting to the point where I'm rambling. I know that I could keep on going on that way... but it's pointless. That's what the next entry is for. I love Nikki, and I miss her, but I guess I miss the Nikki that is no longer there. Parts of her are sill there, but she's become a best friend with the new Nikki to new people.
Nikki and Lurae both have mentioned how thankful they are for that night at that party. So I know I knew them for a reason, I know I served a purpose, and I am very grateful that I got to be a part of that. I just wish that weren't my entire purpose--- but I really feel like it is. I've been that person to a lot of people, actually... I really SHOULD be grateful. Think about all of those amazing Bible stories, where God sent people on missions for him, and they changed LIVES. I've gotten to do that. Not as drastic, but maybe I will someday. Maybe that's what all of this unbelievable heartache has been preparing me for. In the Bible days they went through much worse though, and they walked lonely roads while working for God...but how can it be lonely when you're walking with the Lord? I served my purpose, I completed my mission, I said his words and did his work. I should have moved on a long time ago. That's when everything was great, and we all loved each other passionately. Quit while you're ahead! I should have. I should have skipped the hurt and rejected part. I should have known to take my bow before the lights turned on and the theater emptied. I should have walked away before I was left behind. Lesson learned.
I served my purpose with BJ too. I showed him all the mistakes NOT to make in the relationship he is SUPPOSED to be in for the rest of his life.
I served my purpose with Andi-- no question. We had each only been in one other relationship prior to dating each other. We were each other's ice breakers. We made each other ready to face the real world away from our pasts. We did it badly, but all in all we helped each other out. I just wish it wouldn't have left so many scars that I see EVERY single time I look in the mirror.
I serve my purpose, and I walk away. That's the lesson for the day. But I would like to keep Nathan, if that's okay. I'd also like to keep the treasures I've found in Christine and Nicole at Caribou. I find I really am able to relate and talk to people older than myself much more than people my own age. I have dealt with more than my 24 years should have been allowed, and so these women have had actual experiences I can relate to, and talk about. I trust them more then 99% of the people I know on this planet... and Christine especially has just been such a blessing. These women have kept me going, and I am so grateful for them. So grateful. I love them dearly.
Well, now that I have completely exhausted the capacity of my rear end on this broken loveseat, I will take my leave. I really wrote a novel tonight, and I feel better. This has been good therapy once again! Nathan comes home one week from tomorrow, and hopefully we can start dating like normal people. I would very much like to get to know him better.
Good night all.
It's strange when you realize that the things you've been relying on, the "rocks" so to speak, the foundations in your life that you can lean on...it's very strange when you realize that those things are no longer there.
It goes without saying that there's been a gigantic role reversal when it comes to me and my parents. I walk into their house and its reminiscent of a tomb. Dead silence, stillness completely suffocating. There's dust everywhere, no signs of active life. My parents rarely if ever find themselves in a vertical state these days, the intrigue of horizontal living taking complete control. The medications leave my mother in a a very strange state in which she can barely get her eyes to focus when she's actually conscious. Pain is an understatement. You have to find humor in the random string of words that make their way out of her mouth...or you'll absolutely drown in sorrow. As dramatic as that may sound, it's true. My dad was my rock. Now he literally IS a rock. When he's home, he is completely silent and stationary...even when he's awake. I'm the parent now. If you don't believe me, ask my wallet.
Nikki. It seemed like something never ending. I don't know what I expected. I feel like the small town friend that people leave behind, only to come back and realize that I never changed, and therefore could never fit into the life they've made for themselves. The truth is though, I've changed more than they have. They have no idea. It's so strange when you find that the people you thought knew you the best, don't know you at all.
I miss the dramatic goodbyes, and the I'll miss yous, and the I love yous, and the countdowns until reunions. I see Nikki once or twice a year. Last week was the Hanson concert in Minneapolis. I was so unbelievably excited to see Nikki. I had gotten her a ticket on a whim, and she was actually able to make it. It was our one day of the year to spend together. I had gotten her reserved for more than a couple of hours (which is as good as it gets were you to recall the previous five or six years of our friendship) and was so SO excited.
When we picked her up, she was weepy over the idea of leaving a friend that she had been attached to at the hip for months. She wouldn't see him again until Christmas. Had it slipped her mind that she rarely-- if EVER saw me, and wouldn't see me until Christmas either? (if she had the time, anyway) This put into effect my self pity and loathing, and wondering when had I become so completely and totally... unimportant. I was no longer tear inducing. I wasn't... anything. I was that girl that she was going to a concert with.
The rest of the day went on as such...with a few tiffs and arguments with both Sunnie AND Nikki, when they failed to realize just how much conversations about the several events..past/present and future that I was NOT a part of hurt me. REALLY hurt me. To be so invisible! Everyone I know is growing up, moving on, and I have been left out of EVERY single one of their life altering events. It's the same old feeling, that I just can't shake. I can't understand it. I don't know WHY--- I'm barely here. I'm barely here, and can't shake the feeling...the panicky feeling, almost urgency...that I need to just go. Just get out! I've been stepped on to the point that people no longer feel me beneath their feet. It's time to get off the floor.
Nikki brought up that it bothered her that her ex-boyfriend Scott was spending time with Lurae and company. I said she should speak up. She mentioned that she couldn't do that, she had brought him into the group in the first place. Ah, yes. The group. The group I had been cast out of for no apparent reason. With bitterness in my heart, I couldn't help but wonder...why couldn't have you brought ME into the group? Why am I so different?
Then there's the phrase that Andi said to me once that haunts me. "They had a problem with you. YOU. You're the common denominator in these equations here, Corrie. Think about THAT!" And even though it makes sense, it still baffles me. I didn't do anything. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe I didn't do enough? I have no idea.
I also know that I deal with way more than most people can comprehend, and that scares them away. I really--I am sad, but I can't blame anyone for that. If I were in their shoes, I'd probably take them for a spin in the opposite direction even faster than they did. I may be a lot of things, but an idiot isn't one of them.
Nikki spent a great deal of her time on the phone that day, and I couldn't hide how much it bothered me. It was easier to see me through her eyes then, all of the sudden. I'm not who I was to her, and I probably never will be. I waited for the self pity and loathing to REALLY set in, but it didn't. Because I realized she isn't to ME who she used to be either. It's still habit to call her first when something happens, but then I have to remind myself that she won't answer, and if I leave a message, she won't get around to returning in for quite some time. There are people way higher up on her priority list, as they SHOULD be. That's what people go to college for. (And education, I suppose) Those are the relationships that last, those are the friends you never forget. The high school chums? Those are the ones you squint at in yearbooks trying to remember why you were supposed to remember them.
I think I look for reasons to feel hurt and angry, so I don't have to see things for what they really are. Nikki changed, Corrie changed. I know that if something huge happens, and I need the Nikki squeal, or the solidarity I have always been able to count on her for, she will be able to give that to me. I also know that when she says she'll pray, she really will. I know that she is the most loving, caring person I have ever known, and how she never runs out of concern for people baffles me. I do know that she is often times oblivious to things that seem very obvious to me... but I'm also incredibly over analytical, and I know that all too well. I see things that probably aren't even there, because I have such an urgent need to understand EVERYTHING that's going on around me.
Coming to all of these realizations brings peace, but also sadness. Nikki never judged me. I could talk to her about anything. I could tell her the things that would randomly plague me about my past with BJ, and she would calm me instead of rolling her eyes and telling me to get over it. I tell Kelly more than I tell anyone, but there are certain things I can't go to her about. So I would go to Nikki. When something comes up about Andi, I can't talk to Kelly. It's a very sore subject. I can't talk to Sunnie about ANYTHING, because she couldn't care less, and that's just the truth. This is why I miss Nikki. This is why I will CONTINUE to miss Nikki, because that is a substantial loss.
It's gotten to the point where I am attempting to find my identity reflected in what I do every day. That's not who I am, it's what I do...but those two ideas are becoming completely interchangeable. I am a chauffeur, I am an ATM, I am a barista, I am a servant, I am a medical consultant, I am a shadow, I am --- I have no idea.
Every day I work earlier than the majority of the population. I smile, I make their day better. A lot of times they return the favor! It's true. When I get home, my phone rings. Somebody needs a ride, somebody needs something from the store, someone always NEEDS something, and they need me to get it, bring them, do it, and all without complaint. Why? Because I'm a good daughter. I'm a good friend. I'm a good sister. I'm a good...stranger. They don't know me. I don't know me.
You know what I wish? I wish I could just, start over. Start from scratch! I've always longed for that story book relationship of girlie best friends that have known each other since birth, and stay best friends forever! BFF!! Sounds cheesy, right? Right...but I have always ALWAYS wanted it. I would also warn myself to stay away from sugar right from the start. Deny myself immediately to completely bypass the problem altogether. A thinner Corrie would be a happier Corrie by far. Because even if I COULD start over, I know my mom would still be the same mom, so if I were still a chubby Corrie, she would be just as mean. I would know how to handle relationships better, so I could bypass BJ and Andi too, and just skip the heartache and remorse.
I'm getting to the point where I'm rambling. I know that I could keep on going on that way... but it's pointless. That's what the next entry is for. I love Nikki, and I miss her, but I guess I miss the Nikki that is no longer there. Parts of her are sill there, but she's become a best friend with the new Nikki to new people.
Nikki and Lurae both have mentioned how thankful they are for that night at that party. So I know I knew them for a reason, I know I served a purpose, and I am very grateful that I got to be a part of that. I just wish that weren't my entire purpose--- but I really feel like it is. I've been that person to a lot of people, actually... I really SHOULD be grateful. Think about all of those amazing Bible stories, where God sent people on missions for him, and they changed LIVES. I've gotten to do that. Not as drastic, but maybe I will someday. Maybe that's what all of this unbelievable heartache has been preparing me for. In the Bible days they went through much worse though, and they walked lonely roads while working for God...but how can it be lonely when you're walking with the Lord? I served my purpose, I completed my mission, I said his words and did his work. I should have moved on a long time ago. That's when everything was great, and we all loved each other passionately. Quit while you're ahead! I should have. I should have skipped the hurt and rejected part. I should have known to take my bow before the lights turned on and the theater emptied. I should have walked away before I was left behind. Lesson learned.
I served my purpose with BJ too. I showed him all the mistakes NOT to make in the relationship he is SUPPOSED to be in for the rest of his life.
I served my purpose with Andi-- no question. We had each only been in one other relationship prior to dating each other. We were each other's ice breakers. We made each other ready to face the real world away from our pasts. We did it badly, but all in all we helped each other out. I just wish it wouldn't have left so many scars that I see EVERY single time I look in the mirror.
I serve my purpose, and I walk away. That's the lesson for the day. But I would like to keep Nathan, if that's okay. I'd also like to keep the treasures I've found in Christine and Nicole at Caribou. I find I really am able to relate and talk to people older than myself much more than people my own age. I have dealt with more than my 24 years should have been allowed, and so these women have had actual experiences I can relate to, and talk about. I trust them more then 99% of the people I know on this planet... and Christine especially has just been such a blessing. These women have kept me going, and I am so grateful for them. So grateful. I love them dearly.
Well, now that I have completely exhausted the capacity of my rear end on this broken loveseat, I will take my leave. I really wrote a novel tonight, and I feel better. This has been good therapy once again! Nathan comes home one week from tomorrow, and hopefully we can start dating like normal people. I would very much like to get to know him better.
Good night all.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Life is pretty good right now. Today. At this moment.
Tomorrow is the HANSON CONCERT!!! HOORAY! Stop laughing. You don't know what you're talking about. Nikki came to town just for the event, and we can't wait. She showed up at Caribou today to surprise me, and like an idiot, I burst into tears. I haven't seen her for a very long time. It was good!
I am seeing someone, and he's pretty great. We have fun. His name is Nathan, and I kinda like him. We'll see what happens.
I'm sure I have a lot to report...but...I will end with something incredibly gross and uncalled for... so if you don't wanna know, don't read it... but just so I can remember my EXACT misery at this exact moment...
*WARNING*
I have my first yeast infection. It's the most miserable thing on the planet. Discharge like cottage cheese. It's disgusting. An un-itchable itch inside and out, and a burning all over...JUST when it starts to get better, my period starts.
DEAR GOD! CAN I NOT HAVE A NORMAL VAGINA FOR JUST ONE DAY?? PLEASE?!?!
How did Corrie get said yeast infection? From the antibiotics she was on for tonsilitis...the 4th time in less than 6 months. It's a lose/lose. Rumor has it I have to get my tonsils out soon. I have an appointment to determine that on October 3rd. On top of all that, my apartment is having spider issues. Why? WHY?!? They're nocturnal though, so I find them in their hiding places during the day and smash them with my spidey-killer. (Broken sandal) It's lethal. I sprayed one to the wall today with hairspray, because it woke up prematurely. They're jumpers! You come at one with the spidey-killer and it jumps at you. AHHH!!! So, now my apartment smells like TreSemme.
Okay, I think that's it for now. I'm making porcupine meatballs. Apparently they were Kelly's favorite back in the day...WAY back in the day. At least that's what mom says. Who knows? There's no porcupine in them. I don't know where the name comes from. Maybe the rice? It's spikey....who knows?
TTFN, friends. Farewell.
Tomorrow is the HANSON CONCERT!!! HOORAY! Stop laughing. You don't know what you're talking about. Nikki came to town just for the event, and we can't wait. She showed up at Caribou today to surprise me, and like an idiot, I burst into tears. I haven't seen her for a very long time. It was good!
I am seeing someone, and he's pretty great. We have fun. His name is Nathan, and I kinda like him. We'll see what happens.
I'm sure I have a lot to report...but...I will end with something incredibly gross and uncalled for... so if you don't wanna know, don't read it... but just so I can remember my EXACT misery at this exact moment...
*WARNING*
I have my first yeast infection. It's the most miserable thing on the planet. Discharge like cottage cheese. It's disgusting. An un-itchable itch inside and out, and a burning all over...JUST when it starts to get better, my period starts.
DEAR GOD! CAN I NOT HAVE A NORMAL VAGINA FOR JUST ONE DAY?? PLEASE?!?!
How did Corrie get said yeast infection? From the antibiotics she was on for tonsilitis...the 4th time in less than 6 months. It's a lose/lose. Rumor has it I have to get my tonsils out soon. I have an appointment to determine that on October 3rd. On top of all that, my apartment is having spider issues. Why? WHY?!? They're nocturnal though, so I find them in their hiding places during the day and smash them with my spidey-killer. (Broken sandal) It's lethal. I sprayed one to the wall today with hairspray, because it woke up prematurely. They're jumpers! You come at one with the spidey-killer and it jumps at you. AHHH!!! So, now my apartment smells like TreSemme.
Okay, I think that's it for now. I'm making porcupine meatballs. Apparently they were Kelly's favorite back in the day...WAY back in the day. At least that's what mom says. Who knows? There's no porcupine in them. I don't know where the name comes from. Maybe the rice? It's spikey....who knows?
TTFN, friends. Farewell.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
So...it's been awhile. I know I have a lot to say. I just don't even know where to begin!
I've lost the writing bug, and I'm looking for him. I have named him Shakespeare. Have you seen him?
Here is my motivation-- MY SISTER IS FLIPPING AWESOME!!!!! Do you even KNOW what she did? I have a novel I'm writing. In my head. I need to get it down on paper...er...screen. Biggest draw back? My crap top. Kelly had been amused numerous times by our instant messenger conversation in which I had to compensate the loss of several functioning letters on my keyboard. I believe it was cursed by previous owners/users. Enough said.
ANYWAY! Kelly decided to make a gigantic investment in my future. What did she do? Like you don't already know. She bought me a BRAND NEW LAP TOP! Can you even believe it?? No bad memories attached, and it's gorgeous. I am so in love with it. Now I just need to find that pesky Shakespeare. I can't let her down. She says I have to write that novel, now that I have no excuses left.
SHAKESPEARE! Once an entire day could be spent together, just you and I. How I long for those days! Come back to me my sweet! Shakespeare, Shakespeare...wherefore art thou Shakespeare?
*sigh* I went googling around and found my old Smallville fan fic on the Kryptonsite archives. It's pretty freaking sweet! I'm funny. I'm hoping by reading that, and re-living the "Scarlet" adventure, I will rediscover my voice and fully develop the main character in my book. I'm excited to get to know her! She's pretty awesome.
So, wanna know something weird. I'm DATING. Like... dating for real. Not hopping from one relationship to the other, but meeting people. Going out to dinner. Talking, conversing... and like, having a life. It's kinda fun! I've found though...strangely enough, that after two bad relationships, I've learned to give myself more of a chance. Maybe I was desperate before? Or maybe just stupid. Probably both. ANYWAY. I've figured something out. I deserve better. I deserve to be picky. I deserve to say what I want, and not just bend and mold myself into what I think THEY want. And do you know what happens? I am admired for it. I am sought after, and asked out, and it's insane and I barely know how to handle it. I am my own person now. I make my own choices, and my own mistakes. (which there are many, but I'm still figuring me out)
I have been many people outside of myself for other people...if that makes any sense. I settled. I am furious at myself for that. I talked myself into being happy, because I thought I had no other options. I was miserable, and the people I was with were miserable. But aside from my stupid moments, I am mostly happy with myself. I like me. I am enjoyable! It feels good. There isn't all the drama and what ifs attached to absolutely everything. If I say something that disagrees with people, instead of back pedaling and sounding like an idiot, I stick to it, and stay myself. It feels good.
I could keep rambling about this forever. Blah blah blah. But I won't. My mom is craving Mama's, and I must oblige! Hehehe... I don't mind.
Bye!
I've lost the writing bug, and I'm looking for him. I have named him Shakespeare. Have you seen him?
Here is my motivation-- MY SISTER IS FLIPPING AWESOME!!!!! Do you even KNOW what she did? I have a novel I'm writing. In my head. I need to get it down on paper...er...screen. Biggest draw back? My crap top. Kelly had been amused numerous times by our instant messenger conversation in which I had to compensate the loss of several functioning letters on my keyboard. I believe it was cursed by previous owners/users. Enough said.
ANYWAY! Kelly decided to make a gigantic investment in my future. What did she do? Like you don't already know. She bought me a BRAND NEW LAP TOP! Can you even believe it?? No bad memories attached, and it's gorgeous. I am so in love with it. Now I just need to find that pesky Shakespeare. I can't let her down. She says I have to write that novel, now that I have no excuses left.
SHAKESPEARE! Once an entire day could be spent together, just you and I. How I long for those days! Come back to me my sweet! Shakespeare, Shakespeare...wherefore art thou Shakespeare?
*sigh* I went googling around and found my old Smallville fan fic on the Kryptonsite archives. It's pretty freaking sweet! I'm funny. I'm hoping by reading that, and re-living the "Scarlet" adventure, I will rediscover my voice and fully develop the main character in my book. I'm excited to get to know her! She's pretty awesome.
So, wanna know something weird. I'm DATING. Like... dating for real. Not hopping from one relationship to the other, but meeting people. Going out to dinner. Talking, conversing... and like, having a life. It's kinda fun! I've found though...strangely enough, that after two bad relationships, I've learned to give myself more of a chance. Maybe I was desperate before? Or maybe just stupid. Probably both. ANYWAY. I've figured something out. I deserve better. I deserve to be picky. I deserve to say what I want, and not just bend and mold myself into what I think THEY want. And do you know what happens? I am admired for it. I am sought after, and asked out, and it's insane and I barely know how to handle it. I am my own person now. I make my own choices, and my own mistakes. (which there are many, but I'm still figuring me out)
I have been many people outside of myself for other people...if that makes any sense. I settled. I am furious at myself for that. I talked myself into being happy, because I thought I had no other options. I was miserable, and the people I was with were miserable. But aside from my stupid moments, I am mostly happy with myself. I like me. I am enjoyable! It feels good. There isn't all the drama and what ifs attached to absolutely everything. If I say something that disagrees with people, instead of back pedaling and sounding like an idiot, I stick to it, and stay myself. It feels good.
I could keep rambling about this forever. Blah blah blah. But I won't. My mom is craving Mama's, and I must oblige! Hehehe... I don't mind.
Bye!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Trust is difficult, rare, and sometimes unimaginable.
I have tan lines on my feet.
The scent of coffee and body odor should be used in chemical warfare.
I'm amused by the fact that certain infomercials continue to proudly boast the availability of their informational video cassettes and full color brochures!
These are my thoughts.
I have tan lines on my feet.
The scent of coffee and body odor should be used in chemical warfare.
I'm amused by the fact that certain infomercials continue to proudly boast the availability of their informational video cassettes and full color brochures!
These are my thoughts.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
I can't really decide how to feel right now. Things that shouldn't bother me do. People who shouldn't be strangers are. Things change so much. People change so much! That's nothing new... but it feels new. It always feels new and unexpected no matter how used to it I SHOULD be. It still feels... bad.
I don't really know how to react. I feel myself withdrawing from people as much as possible. I don't necessarily want to withdraw... but I just am. I guess that happens when you have to give up on something that was a huge dream come true... didn't quite make it happen, and now I feel like disappearing. I didn't ever really feel like it was right in the first place though, so why am I even upset?
My mom has a surgery tomorrow for a tumor in her side. She was supposed to have it almost 2 weeks ago, but her potassium levels were too low. Usually they're too high, so that's different.
It's weird living this life... my little sister is getting married, so it's 2 full years of Sunnie's wedding, and everything else is just sort of... minor. Unimportant. Kelly is out living a dream life on the east coast with her dream nanny job. For awhile I was actually making my big dream come true, but it just didn't work out. I stay boring, mundane, and invisible. It's my own fault. I've perfected the art of blending in.
Sunnie is always annoyed with me or mad at me, and I'm constantly being lectured for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I'm tired. I don't seem to have any motivation. Blah. This is just a blah entry.
I'm happy for all of those people who are unbelievably happy. I just wish that I were one of them :) I wish I didn't lose people. I misplace them, and can't seem to find them again! It's ridiculous. *laughs* Eh, who needs em? ... I do.
I love you. And that's not a crime. People love people, and say it to each other all the time. Even you do. You can't say it to me, but you can say it to others. Oh well. I love you anyway.
Goodbye.
I don't really know how to react. I feel myself withdrawing from people as much as possible. I don't necessarily want to withdraw... but I just am. I guess that happens when you have to give up on something that was a huge dream come true... didn't quite make it happen, and now I feel like disappearing. I didn't ever really feel like it was right in the first place though, so why am I even upset?
My mom has a surgery tomorrow for a tumor in her side. She was supposed to have it almost 2 weeks ago, but her potassium levels were too low. Usually they're too high, so that's different.
It's weird living this life... my little sister is getting married, so it's 2 full years of Sunnie's wedding, and everything else is just sort of... minor. Unimportant. Kelly is out living a dream life on the east coast with her dream nanny job. For awhile I was actually making my big dream come true, but it just didn't work out. I stay boring, mundane, and invisible. It's my own fault. I've perfected the art of blending in.
Sunnie is always annoyed with me or mad at me, and I'm constantly being lectured for doing absolutely nothing wrong. I'm tired. I don't seem to have any motivation. Blah. This is just a blah entry.
I'm happy for all of those people who are unbelievably happy. I just wish that I were one of them :) I wish I didn't lose people. I misplace them, and can't seem to find them again! It's ridiculous. *laughs* Eh, who needs em? ... I do.
I love you. And that's not a crime. People love people, and say it to each other all the time. Even you do. You can't say it to me, but you can say it to others. Oh well. I love you anyway.
Goodbye.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
You know what's funny? I just read over my last couple of entries, and my writing has never been so bad! It seems I'm only creatively talented when I'm in a sour mood. Go figure. I'm not entirely in a sour mood at the moment, I think I've left it behind for the time being.
I tell ya. You leave your life behind for a little while, and then you have the opportunity to get outside of it for a bit. Then what happens? You see it all too clearly. Then you can see just how messy it is. Rawr. If only I knew the best way to go about cleaning it up.
It reminds me of one of those times I simply HAD to rearrange my bedroom. I do that sometimes, when life just stresses me out and I get depressed... I rearrange the furniture. (Now I have an entire apartment to play with, so it doesn't happen as often!) So, I was moving this desk/hutch thing, and it hit a crack when I was sliding it across the hard wood floor. Guess what happened! The whole thing snapped down the middle! Every item in my possession was randomly thrown into a domino like chaos. Everything hit something else until everything I owned was strewn about in the biggest mess I had ever created...intentional or not. Things broke, shattered, turned to dust... and just plain sucked.
It was so unbelievably overwhelming...I backed out slowly (and in much pain, seeing as how my computer had taken a death dive onto my foot, splitting my big toe nail down the middle) and closed the door. The mess was hidden and I didn't have to look at it. I took a break, almost gleefully leaving behind the chaos only to return to it heaving a giant sigh with a few grunts of severe displeasure attached. I didn't even know how to begin to clean it up! But somehow I did. I tackled the big things first.
The problem with that metaphor to real life this go around, is simply that I'm having trouble discerning the difference between the big things and the little ones. Although like that bedroom disaster... when I asked for help, I was turned down repeatedly. It's overwhelming, and completely crippling. Life should not make you feel like sobbing the minute your alarm goes off in the morning.
Work is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm still there! The musical is hard. REALLY hard. And I am completely on my own! When I had told First Lutheran in the beginning that I was looking to take it elsewhere, they clamped down on it saying that they wanted it there no matter what, and for me to ask for help whenever I needed it. Well...the few times I HAVE asked for help, I was met with the equivalent of a "do it yourself" kind of response. Well, fine then! I'm sure you won't mind "helping" me with the donations we'll be raking in!
I'm just crabby. Rawr. I'm grateful to First for allowing me to put on this production. But they've been so much more involved in every other church project. Why am I left out in the cold? Because they have no idea what they're doing. We all know this. Sometimes even I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing! But I do... I have an idea at least.
It's hard to do all of this without all the people who made it happen in the first place. Kelly's gone. BJ is gone. Nikki is gone. RJ is gone. They're my net! And it's gone. BJ called the other day. I never know what to say to him. Since the times we talk are so few and far between... I always end up blurting out this repressed things I didn't even know I was repressing.
One thing I really miss about talking to him, is that we both speak in metaphors. When I would get all deep and philisophical, I knew I could rely on him to speak the same way right back to me. I asked him "If you start out climbing a mountain, with a whole huge group of people...but by the time you get to the top you're all alone, was it worth it?" He had a very simple reply. All he said was "Look at the view." I argued that the view is never as spectacular as it could be if you were sharing it with someone else. The conversation continued with that analogy, BJ attempting to convince me that not everyone has left the mountain, they're just not as high up as I am, and they're just out of sight below the tree line. And aside from that, who's to say there's not a group climbing up the other side, waiting to meet me at the top? He defeated me in my metaphor, but this mountain still feels crazy lonely...and if I could find a cave in the side of the mountain, I would live in it forever. (And if there was a lake in that cave, it would be called a Corrie. True story! It's scottish for cave lake. I'm serious.)
So...melancholy is my mood of late, and it's incredibly difficult to escape. HOWEVER. I remember a lesson I've been taught for years, and by many. When you're working on a project to glorify God, it will be mercilessly attacked. That's how I know I'm on the right track. Absolutely everything that CAN go wrong IS going wrong. This musical is going to change lives! I am going to change lives for Jesus!! Can you BELIEVE it? I am sucha huge threat right now to the devil. Know how I know? Because he's trying to beat me down harder than I've been beat down in a very very long time. I'm ashamed to say it's working. But not completely working! I'm still standing. And even though the PASTORS are trying to tell me to back out, I refuse! This musical is happening. The auditions begin in less than a week!
WE PERFORM OCTOBER 10TH and 11TH!!! THE SHOW MUST GO ON! ---er, the show must get started.
Well, I did a lot of complaining without going into any detail...and I still managed to blab on and on. I MUST be in a sour mood! Ah well. When things get bad, I watch movies and live life through someone else's eyes. When things get REALLY bad, I watch The Painted Veil... which has recently turned into Ed Norton movies in general. God bless Amazon marketplace. Thanks to Amazon, I have basically purchased every single Edward Norton movie there is, starting at just 2.98!
Okay, off I go now to take some more Advil. Can't kick these headaches, friends! AHHH!
-ME
I tell ya. You leave your life behind for a little while, and then you have the opportunity to get outside of it for a bit. Then what happens? You see it all too clearly. Then you can see just how messy it is. Rawr. If only I knew the best way to go about cleaning it up.
It reminds me of one of those times I simply HAD to rearrange my bedroom. I do that sometimes, when life just stresses me out and I get depressed... I rearrange the furniture. (Now I have an entire apartment to play with, so it doesn't happen as often!) So, I was moving this desk/hutch thing, and it hit a crack when I was sliding it across the hard wood floor. Guess what happened! The whole thing snapped down the middle! Every item in my possession was randomly thrown into a domino like chaos. Everything hit something else until everything I owned was strewn about in the biggest mess I had ever created...intentional or not. Things broke, shattered, turned to dust... and just plain sucked.
It was so unbelievably overwhelming...I backed out slowly (and in much pain, seeing as how my computer had taken a death dive onto my foot, splitting my big toe nail down the middle) and closed the door. The mess was hidden and I didn't have to look at it. I took a break, almost gleefully leaving behind the chaos only to return to it heaving a giant sigh with a few grunts of severe displeasure attached. I didn't even know how to begin to clean it up! But somehow I did. I tackled the big things first.
The problem with that metaphor to real life this go around, is simply that I'm having trouble discerning the difference between the big things and the little ones. Although like that bedroom disaster... when I asked for help, I was turned down repeatedly. It's overwhelming, and completely crippling. Life should not make you feel like sobbing the minute your alarm goes off in the morning.
Work is ridiculous. I can't believe I'm still there! The musical is hard. REALLY hard. And I am completely on my own! When I had told First Lutheran in the beginning that I was looking to take it elsewhere, they clamped down on it saying that they wanted it there no matter what, and for me to ask for help whenever I needed it. Well...the few times I HAVE asked for help, I was met with the equivalent of a "do it yourself" kind of response. Well, fine then! I'm sure you won't mind "helping" me with the donations we'll be raking in!
I'm just crabby. Rawr. I'm grateful to First for allowing me to put on this production. But they've been so much more involved in every other church project. Why am I left out in the cold? Because they have no idea what they're doing. We all know this. Sometimes even I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing! But I do... I have an idea at least.
It's hard to do all of this without all the people who made it happen in the first place. Kelly's gone. BJ is gone. Nikki is gone. RJ is gone. They're my net! And it's gone. BJ called the other day. I never know what to say to him. Since the times we talk are so few and far between... I always end up blurting out this repressed things I didn't even know I was repressing.
One thing I really miss about talking to him, is that we both speak in metaphors. When I would get all deep and philisophical, I knew I could rely on him to speak the same way right back to me. I asked him "If you start out climbing a mountain, with a whole huge group of people...but by the time you get to the top you're all alone, was it worth it?" He had a very simple reply. All he said was "Look at the view." I argued that the view is never as spectacular as it could be if you were sharing it with someone else. The conversation continued with that analogy, BJ attempting to convince me that not everyone has left the mountain, they're just not as high up as I am, and they're just out of sight below the tree line. And aside from that, who's to say there's not a group climbing up the other side, waiting to meet me at the top? He defeated me in my metaphor, but this mountain still feels crazy lonely...and if I could find a cave in the side of the mountain, I would live in it forever. (And if there was a lake in that cave, it would be called a Corrie. True story! It's scottish for cave lake. I'm serious.)
So...melancholy is my mood of late, and it's incredibly difficult to escape. HOWEVER. I remember a lesson I've been taught for years, and by many. When you're working on a project to glorify God, it will be mercilessly attacked. That's how I know I'm on the right track. Absolutely everything that CAN go wrong IS going wrong. This musical is going to change lives! I am going to change lives for Jesus!! Can you BELIEVE it? I am sucha huge threat right now to the devil. Know how I know? Because he's trying to beat me down harder than I've been beat down in a very very long time. I'm ashamed to say it's working. But not completely working! I'm still standing. And even though the PASTORS are trying to tell me to back out, I refuse! This musical is happening. The auditions begin in less than a week!
WE PERFORM OCTOBER 10TH and 11TH!!! THE SHOW MUST GO ON! ---er, the show must get started.
Well, I did a lot of complaining without going into any detail...and I still managed to blab on and on. I MUST be in a sour mood! Ah well. When things get bad, I watch movies and live life through someone else's eyes. When things get REALLY bad, I watch The Painted Veil... which has recently turned into Ed Norton movies in general. God bless Amazon marketplace. Thanks to Amazon, I have basically purchased every single Edward Norton movie there is, starting at just 2.98!
Okay, off I go now to take some more Advil. Can't kick these headaches, friends! AHHH!
-ME
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I survived! It was a fabulous trip. After the Lizzie house we enjoyed a very calm 4th of July, watching "Red Dragon" starring my love, Ed Norton... in the screening room.
Saturday was RENT!!! Hooray!!!! We saw the best Angel, he was fantastic. A little shopping was done as well, and then we headed on back to Croton for my last meal...dun Dun DUN! Mexigo again! Deliciousnes to the max. Then we viewed "The Other Boleyn Girl" that I had brought for Kelly to watch, then a crazy walk in the pitch black dark...then sleep. Then bright and early airport! Except when I got there, there was no one. Interesting.. turns out Kelly dropped me off about an hour before the airport opened. It's a very little airport. Good thing the dors were unlocked! The evil security people watched me walk back and forth like an idiot trying to figure out where I was supposed to be, and never offered me the "We're not open yet" tidbit. I was trying to appear not...well, not stupid. So I waited for another not stupid person to ask the questions I couldn't. Te-he-he-he!
So now here I am, back in the mundane horribleness of my existence. I hate my job. Duh. The musical hasn't even started yet, and it's stressing the crap out of me. This is not news, nor was it unpredictable. So...I guess that means I shouldn't update until I have something interesting to say! Fine!
-Me
Saturday was RENT!!! Hooray!!!! We saw the best Angel, he was fantastic. A little shopping was done as well, and then we headed on back to Croton for my last meal...dun Dun DUN! Mexigo again! Deliciousnes to the max. Then we viewed "The Other Boleyn Girl" that I had brought for Kelly to watch, then a crazy walk in the pitch black dark...then sleep. Then bright and early airport! Except when I got there, there was no one. Interesting.. turns out Kelly dropped me off about an hour before the airport opened. It's a very little airport. Good thing the dors were unlocked! The evil security people watched me walk back and forth like an idiot trying to figure out where I was supposed to be, and never offered me the "We're not open yet" tidbit. I was trying to appear not...well, not stupid. So I waited for another not stupid person to ask the questions I couldn't. Te-he-he-he!
So now here I am, back in the mundane horribleness of my existence. I hate my job. Duh. The musical hasn't even started yet, and it's stressing the crap out of me. This is not news, nor was it unpredictable. So...I guess that means I shouldn't update until I have something interesting to say! Fine!
-Me
Thursday, July 03, 2008
This could be my very last journal entry. In about half an hour Kelly and I are heading to Fall River to stay at the Lizzie Borden house. Don't know who that is?
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks, and when she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty one."
They kept the house in its original condition and turned it into a B&B. And my mother had been convinced for years that I could never stay the night somewhere like that. I protested, and nowhere we go. TO prove my mother wrong!
This house has been featured on America's Most Haunted... hooray! I'm a big wimp. What am I doing?? If you hear from me again, I survived...
Bye bye!! ....forever???
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks, and when she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty one."
They kept the house in its original condition and turned it into a B&B. And my mother had been convinced for years that I could never stay the night somewhere like that. I protested, and nowhere we go. TO prove my mother wrong!
This house has been featured on America's Most Haunted... hooray! I'm a big wimp. What am I doing?? If you hear from me again, I survived...
Bye bye!! ....forever???
Monday, June 30, 2008
I'm in NEW YORK!!!!
I'm on VACATION!!!!
I haven't had one of those in a very, VERY long time. I earned it! I earned it a lot. I'm visiting Kelly, and we planned out a pretty terrific trip, if i do say so myself!
Today is Monday. I got here late Friday night, so technically I'm on day three of my vacation. What have I done so far? Well, gee.
Day one: Got up and met the fam Kelly works for. Cutest kids EVER! Then we headed to the train station and took a lovely train ride along the Hudson river to Grand Central Station in NYC. I am so grateful that Kelly can navigate that City without even thinking. Last time I was here, she was just as NYC green as me, and we looked like idiots.
First stop, TKTS, where we got our discount tickets for SPAMALOT, which was absolutely hilarious. We got to see Drew Lachey and Stephen Collins! After that, back to TKTS to secure our seats for an evening performance of Phantom!!!!!!
Before the show, she took me to Sardie's, which was the fanciest restaurant I have ever set foot in. And what was Corrie wearing? Jeans and Crocs. Oh, heavens. And the bathroom? There was an attendant who turned on the water and pumped the soap for me. Hehehehe! And the food? YUM! And gorgeously presented. I took a picture to be shared at a later date.
Then it was off to see Phantom. I saw it on stage once before a long time ago, and didn't remember the genius sets...so THAT was my favorite part. The girl who played Christine COULD have ruined it all for me, if I didn't already love it. Hearing someone sing flat during their biggest solo moments on BROADWAY just kind of...well, it gave me hope. HAHAHA! Kidding, kidding. I would NEVER!
After Phantom a teeny bit of impulsive buying on Kelly's part, then a late train home. (With the most loud obnoxious drunk people I have ever encountered.)
DAY TWO: Train to the city, shopping at store but not buying anything. (Although I almost purchased a bag of M&Ms only to realize that since I selected them myself from a dispenser at the M&Msstore, they would cost me almost 20 dollars!! Whoops...ditched the bag!)
Went to go see WICKED!!!!! Amazing show. It was SO good! And the theater was incredible. Went and bout a chocolate bar after that at the Hershey's store, then went home on the train to eat dinner t one of Kelly's faves "Mexigo".
After that it was off to White Plains City Center theater to see "Wanted". Pretty good movie! I love James McAVoy.
So now here we are, day three. Kelly works today, so I get to play with the kiddies. We're making enchiladas for everyone tonight.
LATER THEN!!
-ME!!
I'm on VACATION!!!!
I haven't had one of those in a very, VERY long time. I earned it! I earned it a lot. I'm visiting Kelly, and we planned out a pretty terrific trip, if i do say so myself!
Today is Monday. I got here late Friday night, so technically I'm on day three of my vacation. What have I done so far? Well, gee.
Day one: Got up and met the fam Kelly works for. Cutest kids EVER! Then we headed to the train station and took a lovely train ride along the Hudson river to Grand Central Station in NYC. I am so grateful that Kelly can navigate that City without even thinking. Last time I was here, she was just as NYC green as me, and we looked like idiots.
First stop, TKTS, where we got our discount tickets for SPAMALOT, which was absolutely hilarious. We got to see Drew Lachey and Stephen Collins! After that, back to TKTS to secure our seats for an evening performance of Phantom!!!!!!
Before the show, she took me to Sardie's, which was the fanciest restaurant I have ever set foot in. And what was Corrie wearing? Jeans and Crocs. Oh, heavens. And the bathroom? There was an attendant who turned on the water and pumped the soap for me. Hehehehe! And the food? YUM! And gorgeously presented. I took a picture to be shared at a later date.
Then it was off to see Phantom. I saw it on stage once before a long time ago, and didn't remember the genius sets...so THAT was my favorite part. The girl who played Christine COULD have ruined it all for me, if I didn't already love it. Hearing someone sing flat during their biggest solo moments on BROADWAY just kind of...well, it gave me hope. HAHAHA! Kidding, kidding. I would NEVER!
After Phantom a teeny bit of impulsive buying on Kelly's part, then a late train home. (With the most loud obnoxious drunk people I have ever encountered.)
DAY TWO: Train to the city, shopping at store but not buying anything. (Although I almost purchased a bag of M&Ms only to realize that since I selected them myself from a dispenser at the M&Msstore, they would cost me almost 20 dollars!! Whoops...ditched the bag!)
Went to go see WICKED!!!!! Amazing show. It was SO good! And the theater was incredible. Went and bout a chocolate bar after that at the Hershey's store, then went home on the train to eat dinner t one of Kelly's faves "Mexigo".
After that it was off to White Plains City Center theater to see "Wanted". Pretty good movie! I love James McAVoy.
So now here we are, day three. Kelly works today, so I get to play with the kiddies. We're making enchiladas for everyone tonight.
LATER THEN!!
-ME!!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
It's amazing how much things hurt when you try to tell yourself they don't. Guess what that makes me? A liar. There are so many questions, confusion, and memories. I hate not understanding things. I try to figure it out, but it's a waste of time. I'll never have the answers.
How can you go about life continuing things that you never thought you'd have to do alone? Projects and dreams that had always been dreampt of with someone standing next to you when it all came together.
There are moments when I walk into a room and can't even breathe, the urge to fall apart is so strong. The sob is always waiting in my throat, waiting for a weak moment to escape. I can't explain these feelings. Everyone is telling me I'm better off, and I know they're right. But I want to know why I don't have what I always thought I would, and no one can give me that answer. Why was my friendship so brutally and cruelly rejected? Why am I seemingly so undeserving of the answers I need? Why am I treated like I'm hated? What did I do that was so wrong? These questions, among many others can drive someone crazy. I can't let that happen.
One of my biggest dreams is coming true, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be here. Why did this all crumble? Why did he change? Why can't I let it all go? Because there are years invested in this. Years invested in him. I just get so angry when that starts to seem like one big giant waste of time, energy, and heart. "I had so much to give, but you didn't have to take it all. This pain I'm left with, I'm wondering are you happy now?" - Amy Studt
It's a waste of time trying to understand people. It's a waste of time loving people who don't know how to love. It's a waste of EVERYTHING to care about ANYTHING. So how do you know which are the monumental mistakes before you make them? You don't. You make them, and you screw up, and you cry your little heart out and go back to square one. Some mistakes just last a lot longer than others.
I'm angry and bitter now, and I hate being that way. Most days I can leave it behind, wait until the wee hours of the morning to let the acid seep out through the cracks in my sunny disposition... he's so cold and uncaring. So distant and foreign. He's riding a crazy roller coaster, changing personalities and ambitions at every turn, climbing up and falling down faster than I can even comprihend.
What's the point in rehashing this again and again? He doesn't care about you, Corrie! He's not going to miraculously decide to be a human, be the friend you need! He dropped you! He's gone! He made a bunch of lousy empty promises just like every other friend you've ever had. Why are you surprised? Why did you believe him? Why did you let him in in the first place? Stupid idiot, keep your walls! Keep your masks! He'll preach to you to be you, but what does he care? Doesn't he see he's the reason?? He's what builds walls and paints masks? Every word he lies adds a new color of deception to your face. Make it pretty, make it colorful! Keep distracting people from the layers of FALSE adorning your ridiculous lie of a face. Alter their perception, he's given you all the tools you need! He claims to want to do the opposite, he always has. He was a test, and you failed! You are a failure and a liar just like him!
Oh, stop pitying yourself. Woe is me, I'm Corrie and everyone is mean to me. So? who cares! People suck and so do you. Who needs them? Who needs you? No one, so get over it! Life is temporary. People die. You're dying too. Do something that matters. You say you are, huh? Well, prove it. Boo-hoo he's not here to "See Me Through", oh well. Did you really think he'd FOLLOW THROUGH??? YOu can't trust anyone, not even yourself. You betray you more than anything. You're a fool and I barely even tolerate you, let alone like you. How's that for a mask?? You make me sick.
You hate yourself almost as much as you secretly hate everyone else. Whoops! Secrets out! Deal with it. YOu can't blame him for EVERYTHING, just most things. Why? Because you relied on him to NOT be a liar. For that, the blame is only yours. Why did you put so much on one person? It was inevitable that he would run away. They always do. Why? Because you wanted to believe the stories he told, about how "If I had been there when she first got sick, you wouldn't have been alone. I never would have left. I never will, either. We will be a part of each other's lives forever..." blah blah BLAH! WOW! You are so ridiculously stupid. It makes me laugh! Hear me out there? I'm the maniac in your head pointing at you and laughing insanely. You're hilariously pathetic! You fall for EVERYTHING. You claim to have all these trust issues, and that you never believe people. Too bad you believe absolutely everything they say, and fall for it hook line and sinker.
End this now. Go away. Nobody cares. Boo-hoo, go wallow in that for awhile and leave me alone.
How can you go about life continuing things that you never thought you'd have to do alone? Projects and dreams that had always been dreampt of with someone standing next to you when it all came together.
There are moments when I walk into a room and can't even breathe, the urge to fall apart is so strong. The sob is always waiting in my throat, waiting for a weak moment to escape. I can't explain these feelings. Everyone is telling me I'm better off, and I know they're right. But I want to know why I don't have what I always thought I would, and no one can give me that answer. Why was my friendship so brutally and cruelly rejected? Why am I seemingly so undeserving of the answers I need? Why am I treated like I'm hated? What did I do that was so wrong? These questions, among many others can drive someone crazy. I can't let that happen.
One of my biggest dreams is coming true, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be here. Why did this all crumble? Why did he change? Why can't I let it all go? Because there are years invested in this. Years invested in him. I just get so angry when that starts to seem like one big giant waste of time, energy, and heart. "I had so much to give, but you didn't have to take it all. This pain I'm left with, I'm wondering are you happy now?" - Amy Studt
It's a waste of time trying to understand people. It's a waste of time loving people who don't know how to love. It's a waste of EVERYTHING to care about ANYTHING. So how do you know which are the monumental mistakes before you make them? You don't. You make them, and you screw up, and you cry your little heart out and go back to square one. Some mistakes just last a lot longer than others.
I'm angry and bitter now, and I hate being that way. Most days I can leave it behind, wait until the wee hours of the morning to let the acid seep out through the cracks in my sunny disposition... he's so cold and uncaring. So distant and foreign. He's riding a crazy roller coaster, changing personalities and ambitions at every turn, climbing up and falling down faster than I can even comprihend.
What's the point in rehashing this again and again? He doesn't care about you, Corrie! He's not going to miraculously decide to be a human, be the friend you need! He dropped you! He's gone! He made a bunch of lousy empty promises just like every other friend you've ever had. Why are you surprised? Why did you believe him? Why did you let him in in the first place? Stupid idiot, keep your walls! Keep your masks! He'll preach to you to be you, but what does he care? Doesn't he see he's the reason?? He's what builds walls and paints masks? Every word he lies adds a new color of deception to your face. Make it pretty, make it colorful! Keep distracting people from the layers of FALSE adorning your ridiculous lie of a face. Alter their perception, he's given you all the tools you need! He claims to want to do the opposite, he always has. He was a test, and you failed! You are a failure and a liar just like him!
Oh, stop pitying yourself. Woe is me, I'm Corrie and everyone is mean to me. So? who cares! People suck and so do you. Who needs them? Who needs you? No one, so get over it! Life is temporary. People die. You're dying too. Do something that matters. You say you are, huh? Well, prove it. Boo-hoo he's not here to "See Me Through", oh well. Did you really think he'd FOLLOW THROUGH??? YOu can't trust anyone, not even yourself. You betray you more than anything. You're a fool and I barely even tolerate you, let alone like you. How's that for a mask?? You make me sick.
You hate yourself almost as much as you secretly hate everyone else. Whoops! Secrets out! Deal with it. YOu can't blame him for EVERYTHING, just most things. Why? Because you relied on him to NOT be a liar. For that, the blame is only yours. Why did you put so much on one person? It was inevitable that he would run away. They always do. Why? Because you wanted to believe the stories he told, about how "If I had been there when she first got sick, you wouldn't have been alone. I never would have left. I never will, either. We will be a part of each other's lives forever..." blah blah BLAH! WOW! You are so ridiculously stupid. It makes me laugh! Hear me out there? I'm the maniac in your head pointing at you and laughing insanely. You're hilariously pathetic! You fall for EVERYTHING. You claim to have all these trust issues, and that you never believe people. Too bad you believe absolutely everything they say, and fall for it hook line and sinker.
End this now. Go away. Nobody cares. Boo-hoo, go wallow in that for awhile and leave me alone.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Man, life is insane. AHHHH! It makes me feel like a crazy person. Since the first time I talked to BJ, I never really imagined a time when he would be completely out of my life. But... that's what he wanted. That's the decision he made.
Over the past few months he has disappeared and reappeared, each time delivering promises and pleas for a friendship to last through the ages. Then he would abandon everything he said and rip my heart out again. And again. And again. He became unrecognizable to me, and I'm still baffled.
How do you go from love to hate with nothing in the middle? How does he turn so cold? He has prided himself on being this amazing empathetic person, but I think he's just...stupid. Stupid and selfish. But at the same time, I don't think it's entirely his fault.
Throughout our entire relationship BJ had admired my family, specifically my Dad. Can't say that I blame him. Look at the male role models he grew up with. Not exactly the greatest influences. He never witnessed a strong loving and caring relationship. He never knew what it meant to be a united front, because all he ever saw was division. I'm grateful for my upbringing, because I will never doubt what is right or wrong in the treatment of my significant other. I know when I have done wrong, and I know when I have done right, because I have done both. I have made my share of mistakes, but I have also been through MORE than my share of turmoil. I never thought BJ, my best friend... would ever be that man. After what happened when I was there in October, I never throught he would turn into that statistic. I guess he got what he wanted and moved on. Makes me ill just to think about it.
I can analyze and try to figure it out all I want, but I'll always come up empty handed. It doesn't make a single bit of sense. Cure me and my memory, because I can remember every word, every vocal inflection, every promise...broken and otherwise. I can remember all the good times... but thank you to helpful reminder from Kelly, I can remember all the bad as well. That's where his inability to form a united front was painfully obvious. The way he would let people talk to me and about me... sometimes it felt like he didn't even like me. I guess I won't miss that. No, not really...
I will miss BJ my best friend. I kind of put BJ my boyfriend on a pedestal he really didn't deserve, romanticising the relationship in my head because it was my first. He was my first love.
It should have been a giant indicator when he randomly said one time "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." I had responded at the time by saying 'but you're the only one I want to love me...' and that really isn't true anymore. It amazes me how intensely I used to believe that. He didn't know how to love someone completely. He only knew how to love in bits and pieces. I want to love and be loved completely. I'm really looking forward to finding that.
It still hurts more than I care to admit...the way everything happened. I feel really stupid about certain things, but there's no real way to get around that. Time heals all wounds. I DO think that he's cruel, and I think he's lost his way. The cruelty is unintentional...just a side effect. He's someone different now. If this is the way he's going to stay... I'm worried for his future, and the people in it.
I have more work to do on myself than I'm making it sound. He's not the only one to blame, he's just the one who ran away and left a mess for me to clean. He was a huge part of my life, and there's a gant hole where he used to be. But I think filling that void will prove to be an amazing experience. Replacing lies with truth usually is.
My family is pretty awesome. They transition with me. I used to think they were madly in love with him, and would ridicule me for ruining things. Turns out...they're madly in love with ME and stand behind me even if they think I'm dating an idiot. *cough andi cough* So when I told them BJ didn't even want to be my friend anymore, they didn't even flinch. They shrugged and said "Oh well" like it was just a flash on a TV screen. At first I was offended, because I thought it was a bigger deal than that. To them, he's just Corrie's ex-boyfriend. Why would it be a bigger deal to them? Then it made me feel better to see how they saw it. They will make it easier without even knowing it.
Someday I hope I can look back on all of this as a pleasant and very distant memory. He's chosen to cut ties, so I guess I'll have to just let it all go. I knew it would be tough for me, so i did the typical deletion of him from my phone, myspace, facebook, email, etc.. NOT because I wanted to cut him out of my life... because that was never what I wanted. I did it so I couldn't have any resources to beg him to stay in mine. I know how i can be, and I have a really hard time of letting go of those I love. Curses.
Well, time to go now. Miss you, Nickelby! You're coming home soon!! Can't WAIT!
Over the past few months he has disappeared and reappeared, each time delivering promises and pleas for a friendship to last through the ages. Then he would abandon everything he said and rip my heart out again. And again. And again. He became unrecognizable to me, and I'm still baffled.
How do you go from love to hate with nothing in the middle? How does he turn so cold? He has prided himself on being this amazing empathetic person, but I think he's just...stupid. Stupid and selfish. But at the same time, I don't think it's entirely his fault.
Throughout our entire relationship BJ had admired my family, specifically my Dad. Can't say that I blame him. Look at the male role models he grew up with. Not exactly the greatest influences. He never witnessed a strong loving and caring relationship. He never knew what it meant to be a united front, because all he ever saw was division. I'm grateful for my upbringing, because I will never doubt what is right or wrong in the treatment of my significant other. I know when I have done wrong, and I know when I have done right, because I have done both. I have made my share of mistakes, but I have also been through MORE than my share of turmoil. I never thought BJ, my best friend... would ever be that man. After what happened when I was there in October, I never throught he would turn into that statistic. I guess he got what he wanted and moved on. Makes me ill just to think about it.
I can analyze and try to figure it out all I want, but I'll always come up empty handed. It doesn't make a single bit of sense. Cure me and my memory, because I can remember every word, every vocal inflection, every promise...broken and otherwise. I can remember all the good times... but thank you to helpful reminder from Kelly, I can remember all the bad as well. That's where his inability to form a united front was painfully obvious. The way he would let people talk to me and about me... sometimes it felt like he didn't even like me. I guess I won't miss that. No, not really...
I will miss BJ my best friend. I kind of put BJ my boyfriend on a pedestal he really didn't deserve, romanticising the relationship in my head because it was my first. He was my first love.
It should have been a giant indicator when he randomly said one time "I'm not the only guy who could ever love you, you know." I had responded at the time by saying 'but you're the only one I want to love me...' and that really isn't true anymore. It amazes me how intensely I used to believe that. He didn't know how to love someone completely. He only knew how to love in bits and pieces. I want to love and be loved completely. I'm really looking forward to finding that.
It still hurts more than I care to admit...the way everything happened. I feel really stupid about certain things, but there's no real way to get around that. Time heals all wounds. I DO think that he's cruel, and I think he's lost his way. The cruelty is unintentional...just a side effect. He's someone different now. If this is the way he's going to stay... I'm worried for his future, and the people in it.
I have more work to do on myself than I'm making it sound. He's not the only one to blame, he's just the one who ran away and left a mess for me to clean. He was a huge part of my life, and there's a gant hole where he used to be. But I think filling that void will prove to be an amazing experience. Replacing lies with truth usually is.
My family is pretty awesome. They transition with me. I used to think they were madly in love with him, and would ridicule me for ruining things. Turns out...they're madly in love with ME and stand behind me even if they think I'm dating an idiot. *cough andi cough* So when I told them BJ didn't even want to be my friend anymore, they didn't even flinch. They shrugged and said "Oh well" like it was just a flash on a TV screen. At first I was offended, because I thought it was a bigger deal than that. To them, he's just Corrie's ex-boyfriend. Why would it be a bigger deal to them? Then it made me feel better to see how they saw it. They will make it easier without even knowing it.
Someday I hope I can look back on all of this as a pleasant and very distant memory. He's chosen to cut ties, so I guess I'll have to just let it all go. I knew it would be tough for me, so i did the typical deletion of him from my phone, myspace, facebook, email, etc.. NOT because I wanted to cut him out of my life... because that was never what I wanted. I did it so I couldn't have any resources to beg him to stay in mine. I know how i can be, and I have a really hard time of letting go of those I love. Curses.
Well, time to go now. Miss you, Nickelby! You're coming home soon!! Can't WAIT!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
I hate days like today. I hate how I feel. I get to a point where I find myself absolutely revolted by those around me to the point of physical illness. I literally get so disgusted that I feel like I'm going to be sick.
I feel so angry sometimes. Angry at the circumstances, angry at the past, angry at the future that seems to be beating me into the ground. I hate feeling like this!
I know I'm not completely mentally healthy. I have so many issues I haven't dealt with. Abandonment, humiliation, degradation, betrayal, agony, and pure and total fear. I feel like there's rage that's been long surpressed...and it's transformed into something worse. I don't even know what to call it.
My stomach is swirling with a whirl of emotions, and I don't even know which one to go with. I don't even like myself...so how can I blame others for keeping their distance? Who the heck have I turned into? How can I get back to who I want to be? How do I even figure out who that person is?
I depend on people who love me to help me figure that out, but I don't think they can.
I feel like a mess. I thought I had myself back on the right track. I thought I was where I needed to be. I thought I had things under control. Why is the urge to get in my car and drive in one straight direction and never come back so unbelievably strong? Just adopt a new identity and flee the country. Leave this all behind and start over.
I should take my own advice and "clean out the junk closet"... thank you, anonymous janitor. Your guidance extends well beyond the written page.
Time to go.
I feel so angry sometimes. Angry at the circumstances, angry at the past, angry at the future that seems to be beating me into the ground. I hate feeling like this!
I know I'm not completely mentally healthy. I have so many issues I haven't dealt with. Abandonment, humiliation, degradation, betrayal, agony, and pure and total fear. I feel like there's rage that's been long surpressed...and it's transformed into something worse. I don't even know what to call it.
My stomach is swirling with a whirl of emotions, and I don't even know which one to go with. I don't even like myself...so how can I blame others for keeping their distance? Who the heck have I turned into? How can I get back to who I want to be? How do I even figure out who that person is?
I depend on people who love me to help me figure that out, but I don't think they can.
I feel like a mess. I thought I had myself back on the right track. I thought I was where I needed to be. I thought I had things under control. Why is the urge to get in my car and drive in one straight direction and never come back so unbelievably strong? Just adopt a new identity and flee the country. Leave this all behind and start over.
I should take my own advice and "clean out the junk closet"... thank you, anonymous janitor. Your guidance extends well beyond the written page.
Time to go.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
"Missing Me" - RJ Helton
..........>>>>>>
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms
And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me
It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life
And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away
And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me
..........>>>>>>
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms
And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me
It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life
And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away
And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me?
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea?
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Well...
Mom's cancer has grown and gotten worse, and we had kind of a crappy day. How do we cope? We go home and make videos. This video was MEANT to look real, but be completely fake. Jamison got a bit carried away, and towards the end? Very very real. Sunnie had to stop filming when Jamison realized I was calling out "You did it for real!"
So here you are. Enjoy my misery.
Mom's cancer has grown and gotten worse, and we had kind of a crappy day. How do we cope? We go home and make videos. This video was MEANT to look real, but be completely fake. Jamison got a bit carried away, and towards the end? Very very real. Sunnie had to stop filming when Jamison realized I was calling out "You did it for real!"
So here you are. Enjoy my misery.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
It has been quite awhile since I wrote last, and I wish I had the energy to write it all down. But I don't! My head is just a jumble of mixed emotions. Extreme highs and lows bouncing all over the place.
My mom is pretty sick. It's such a crazy roller coaster ride. She has her good days and her bad days. The cancer has spread and she's trying new treatments. It's such a trial for everyone.
Plan See is actually taking shape, and See Me Through is actually going to happen! How? Well, a friend of mine made it possible. RJ Helton, the guy who inspired the story with his brilliant music is now someone I am priviledged to call my friend.
I feel things slipping through my fingers though, and it's so exhausting to even think about writing it all down. There are a lot of things I miss, and wish I could change... but that's not up to me anymore. I miss BJ.
Hopefully I'll write more soon and elaborate a bit more. Until then...
Bye
My mom is pretty sick. It's such a crazy roller coaster ride. She has her good days and her bad days. The cancer has spread and she's trying new treatments. It's such a trial for everyone.
Plan See is actually taking shape, and See Me Through is actually going to happen! How? Well, a friend of mine made it possible. RJ Helton, the guy who inspired the story with his brilliant music is now someone I am priviledged to call my friend.
I feel things slipping through my fingers though, and it's so exhausting to even think about writing it all down. There are a lot of things I miss, and wish I could change... but that's not up to me anymore. I miss BJ.
Hopefully I'll write more soon and elaborate a bit more. Until then...
Bye