"Forgive"

This pain goes on
Deep inside my heart
Changing all that I knew
This feels so wrong
I'm tired of being angry
But tell me what do I do
I feel betrayed and completely over come
This is the hardest thing I've ever done

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that Your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me

We're all afraid
Silenced by the fear
Of the mistakes that were made
I call I pray
Lord help me to remember
That everybody breaks
Fill me with your spirit and your words
Give me the heart to heal and not to hurt

I need to find a way to forgive
The way that You've forgiven me
To understand to know that your plan
Is something that I don't always see
I need to find a way to forgive
Like You've forgiven me

Everyone in this world needs a Nikki. But you can't have this one. She's mine. When Andi wrote: "You’re not someone who should be ‘affecting other peoples lives’, because you have never done that in a positive way. Until you can figure out how to change yourself, your contact with others should be limited." It cut deep. For a brief, split second I believed him. Boy, was I wrong! HE was wrong. What wonderful people I have. There were the typical comments laced with colorful language from those certain few...but then there was Nikki.




WHY EVERYONE NEEDS A NIKKI:

He's so...he's so...he's so...ERG!!! I don't even know what to say to all the junk he said! I feel like, yes, he's on to something when he says to "let it go," but what he SHOULD mean by that is to forgive and be able to move on. Not just "let it go" as if it's that simple.

Multiple Personality Disorder = WHO IS HE TRYING TO KID??? Again, like I said in my text message...he must be mistaking you for HIMSELF.

I understand that straight-forward people are great, and that being frank and honest is an admirable quality. But I feel like he's NOT being those things...he's being cruel. He's taking every single comment five steps farther than they need to be just to make it sound more mean. Geez Louise.

And yeah...about the "positively affecting others" part...If he thinks what he says is true, then he NEVER KNEW YOU. You, the REAL you, the you who I know and love and still see in you, even if you're feeling lost. The you who changes over the years and grows, as you should, but always, at the heart of everything, keeps the same spirit. Corrien Killmer, I love you. You have affected ME far beyond positively. You taught me how to sing like no one's listening. You taught me how to think outside the box. You taught me how to dream. You taught me how to be a silly who-cares-what-they-think teenager. I learned, through you, that you're never too old to play on a playground, it only takes a video camera to become a rock star, that geeks are cooler than jocks anyways, and that the kids on my bus called me "mustache" because they were jealous they couldn't grow their own. You learned a language with me. *I LOVE YOU SIGN*. You pointed me down the path of light when I was about to walk down a dark valley. I don't know who I'd BE had it not been for you. Even WITHOUT every little moment we've shared in our lives, that ONE NIGHT could have been the night that saved my faith. I don't even want to know what I would be like without that night. You have drastically changed me for the better, in big ways and small, since I've known you. Corrie, I thank God for you.

Andi can think what he wants, ignore what he knows is true, and go on in his "let it go" world for as long as he wants. I pray God snatches him and brings him back to Him, because he's obviously far, far away. But you, my dear, will come out of this a better soul than he. You can heal, even if it takes quite a while. And I know, with time, you can even forgive. I almost pity Andi, because he seems to be incapable of all those things. Almost pity.

Andi can be wrong. Because I know the truth, and am telling you so that you know it, too. You are a wonderful person, Corrie Killmer, and you have wonderful gifts that bless the people you know. Never, ever, let Andi (or anyone else Satan seems to try and use against you) tell you otherwise. Satan can eat it. (Ooops...is it still sinful to be vulgar towards the devil himself? Heh...).

You, my dear...go listen to RJ Helton's "Forgive." ;) Praise God for who He is. And never forget who YOU are (even if it's hard to see right now). What does that good old quote say? A friend is someone who knows the song of your heart...and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words.

And I'm singing it loud and proud!!!! (Which, coincidentally, I learned from you. ;))

Love, always.
Nik

So that's all for now.
God Bless You All.

Mom's cancer is back.

News, news, news...oh yeah! I'm single. The thing with that guy JOEY was his name, never really went anywhere. It was all kinda dumb. I feel really stupid about it, actually.

In other news, I am fully moved into the apartment. Now it's Kelly's turn to make a lot of messes. Unfortunately, she and Tim are no longer together. So she has a lot more time suddenly to attempt to make her half of the apartment look pretty. It's slow going, but still semi-productive. It will be lovely.

I'm going to Alabama with Kelly next weekend since she's not currently on her way there with Tim. We're still borrowing Andi's Denali, and I shall resist peeing in it.

Tim and Kelly are going to do the friends thing. I hope it works out better for her than it did with me and Andi. He's kind of a crappy friend. No, he just isn't a friend. I went from lover to nobody, and whatever, I guess that's fine. I miss people though...if I spend a grat deal of time with them, and then all of a sudden nothing...I miss them. I'm human. Just like I miss Amber, Jeremy and Ale. Oh well. They made their choices. I was kind of left out of those equations.

I'm so excited to see BJ in Alabama! So so so excited. It's been seven months! It will be very good to see him. He and his family are going through a really hard time. Not the same as what my family has gone through recently, but I can still relate to certain aspects. I can understand now how much he wanted to be with me during it all, because I feel the same way now. He's my best friend. I miss him.

So, I guess that's all for now. More later!

BYE!!

FLC's Video Drama September

Look at this! This is the video I made with the aid of high school best theater buddies for First Lutheran. Yay! Enjoy :)

Well! I guess a lot has happened. I'll try to be as brief as possible. I'm in the process of moving out! I half moved today, I'll finish up tomorrow. I am so exhausted! I'm moving into Kelly's apartment! I get the bedroom. YES! Kelly set it up really nice. I'll take pictures and post them when all is put together.

In other news, I've started dating someone new. Kind of a long distance relationship again. I'm not exactly excited about THAT aspect of it, but overall I'm pretty excited. He's crazy about me, which is definitely a plus! I don't feel like I'm annoying him, which is how I always felt with Andi. Wasn't really planning on jumping into another relationship... but it has no choice but to be a slow moving one. He lives in Chicago. We'll see what happens! He gives me butterflies...

I forgot how much fun Caribou can be. It's more fun of course when Randy isn't around. He makes me want to tear my face off sometimes, I swear. There are so many things he does that just completely annoy me. GRR! Ah well. Your boss is SUPPOSED to annoy you, right?

So I guess that's all I have to say for now. We went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday! Kelly, Jamie and I went in "character" I will post those pictures as well. They're fantastic.

Until then--

Farewell friends!

Time for the recap of the VACATION! I'll tell you this much... it was so hard to come home! First things first!

I left on August 31st! My plane was a bit late, so my Aunt Rachel was waiting for me when I got there, pretending to be annoyed. It was so good to see her! We drove home to Tega Cay SC from Charlotte NC... she pointed out where she worked at Billy Graham and other cool landmarks along the way.

When we got to the house Uncle Scott was waiting there happily to greet me. He showed me his pet spider, Charlotte. Gross. It was a gigantic garden spider that lives on the side of his house. I took a picture.



After that, we chatted a bit before deciding where to go for dinner. We settled on "Fish Bone" which had AMAZING seafood! Uncle Scott took the liberty of selecting my meal for me. I had scallops and shrimp and a baked potato. DELICIOUS! So so good. The scallops were HUGE and melted in my mouth. After that we went to the video store and rented "Fracture"...then we picked up a couple necessities at the grocery store. The evening ended in front of their giant TV in their unbelievably comfy living room. Then I went to go sleep in Kyle's room! Very blue, very comfortable.



The next morning Rachel made unbelievably delicious orange cranberry white chocolate cream scones from SCRATCH! They were eyes roll back in your head good. Scott set out to go fishing with his best friend Gil, while Rachel and I hit to road to Clemson, where Zachary goes to school. What should have been a 2 hour drive turned into a much longer drive when we got stuck in traffic. A FedEx truck had somehow crashed and snapped itself in half over the concrete partition on the interstate. It was carrying a load of Dell computers. Too bad there were so many cops around, the computers were all over the ground! But, soon we made it to Clemson, and I got to see Zach! It had been too long. I missed him.



We drove around and Zach gave us a tour of the campus. We stopped at the Clemson track and walked around a bit. It was really awesome to see where he did his thang!



After the tour we went to Ruby Tuesday's for lunch, and then out for ice cream. After THAT we took Zach grocery shopping and annoyed the heck out of Rachel. The things that come out of Zachary's mouth! I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't help it. My stomach hurt so badly afterwards!

After the goodbyes later that afternoon/evening, Rachel and I headed back to Tega Cay. We met up with Scott at the house, and watched some TV before and after we had some yummy fresh shrimp with pasta. A wonderful day! I managed to take some pictures of the deer that Uncle Scott feeds each night. I took pictures through the blinds on the back door. Wasn't easy, but I got some amazing shots! I had never seen deer so close up before. Then we watched Pirates of the Caribbean; Curse of the Black Pearl. BIG TV! Lots o' fun.



On Sunday we got up and went to church together. It was a good message about how to Glorify God in your work. Definitely not a bad one for me to hear! Even a coffee shop can be a Godly job if you make it one.

After that Scott and Rachel decided to take me to the mall. Without my knowledge they had planned to buy me a new outfit. Little did they know what they were getting themselves into! I am the worst shopper in the world. I drove them a little crazy BUT...they bought me three beautiful tops to wear. It was very very nice of them!

After that we went to a restaurant that I can't remember the name of...for Mexican food. I had "Mexican Stir Fry." It was delicious! Then we headed back to the house. Rachel and I went to the grocery store for a few more things after watching some Food Network. Then...we came back home. We ended up watching random TV shows and eating a yummy oreo dessert before Scott decided on putting on "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." I started to fall asleep, so went up to bed after that.

On Monday we had a lazy morning with scones and the food network. It was so great to just...relax! No worries. Later that afternoon Scott ran some errands and Rachel took me to the Billy Graham library. It was more of a museum, really. It was a beautiful building.



It was really really interesting! I enjoyed it. It had a spiritual impact, and you just felt good being there. After the library we headed back to the house. Scott wasn't there yet, but Rachel started making an amazing meal of Salmon, red potatoes and shrimp skewers. Oh man! Yummy! Shortly after that, Rachel and I made homemade marshmallows! Yes, people DO that!



We watched the deer eat outside, and then settled in to watch the Clemson football game on ESPN. I tried really hard to understand it. I actually DID enjoy it. Uncle Scott gave me a foot rub...*grins* it relaxed me a little bit too much and I had to go up to bed.

The next morning, Tuesday, Rachel and I...no, scratch that. I WATCHED Rachel make more yummy scones, that I got to take home with me! I was coating marshmallows and packing them up to take those home with me too! SOOOO good. Scott and Rachel prayed over me before Rachel and I left for the airport. It was so sad for me to leave!

The time I spent there was amazing. We didn't do anything extravagant, but it was exactly what I needed. So many good conversations and good laughs. Everything from Rachel telling me she was "jiggy" to the serious stuff. It was so enjoyable. Scott makes me feel human and normal, which is really hard to feel sometimes. They told me I was a ray of sunshine.

I really miss them, even though we didn't see them that often when they lived here. I was so excited to go, and it was even better than I had hoped. They treated me like royalty. They were so open with me, and told me things about their lives growing up that I had never known before. I felt...important in a non-demanding way. My parents make me feel important in a financial and chore related way. It felt so good! And they kept telling me how much they loved having me there.

Anyway, so that was my vacation. I know no one cares about the general day to day except for me...but it was definitely something worth remembering...it may not seem like it, but it was an amazing trip. I was so grateful to them for having me.

Well, I started back at Caribou today. I was supposed to get there at 6am, fill out paperwork, and then sort of ease into the whole thing again, watch, observe, relearn... (it's really hard hopping back and forth with drink formulas being different between each chain) BUT!! Someone went home very early, and all of the sudden Randy pulls me aside and says "Yeah... I'm just going to go ahead and throw you on bar"

So that was that! Short shift, not too bad. Saw some regulars and made them very happy. I hope this isn't as permanent as it feels right now. I don't think I would like myself for very long if that continued to be the case!

So now I'm going to do a survey Kelly put up on myspace, because I'm bored. Sunnie's engagement party is tonight, and I don't have much to do beforehand...so... there!


1) Are you an Aunt/Uncle?
Yes. But I forget that sometimes! My technically oldest sister has two children, Tyler and Jenna.

2) Can you do a cartwheel
If you want do die laughing

3) What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
The Nanny Diaries

4) Do you eat vegetables regularly?
I do. I heart them.

5) If you were going to get a body piercing, where would you get it?
My elbow. It's all the rage these days.

6) Do you ever hang out with someone of the opposite sex?
Hopefully more now! I hang via telephone, does that count?

7) What is the weather like right at this very moment?
Blah

8) What is something that you can't wait for?
To fall in love with the real deal

9) How many times have you been to Canada?
It's such a blur. Was that Canada?

10) Have you ever had a reptile as a pet?
Just a fake beanie one. I don't think that counts.

11) What is your favorite fruit?
I enjoy mangoes.

12) What song is on your MySpace profile right now?
"I Hear You Calling" by GOB

13) Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
BJ, calling to see how the first day at the Bou went

14) Where are you most ticklish?
My neck. Get away from me.


15) How many hours a week do you normally work?
Forty

16) Who's your number 1 on your top friend list?
My Smelly.

17) Do you have deep dark secrets?
I do, actually. Things absolutely nobody knows. A lady has to keep some mystery!

18) When was the last time you were sick?
Last time I had to take some disagreeable medicine... but after that life circumstances made me just altogether ill.

19) What color is your car?
White.

20) How many siblings do you have?
Four.

21) Have you ever gotten caught sneaking out?
Ha! No. I was punished for staying in!

22) Did you ever try running away from home when you were younger?
No, I just got kicked out a lot.

23) What makes you the happiest?
Well, I can't rely on people to make me happy. So... good conversations and gut busting laughter...both involve people...but not entirely dependant upon them. Whatever! YOu can have a great conversation with yourself!

25) Where do you want to be right now?
On a cruise

26) Have you ever finished a Rubik's Cube?
No. People kept taking them away from me whenever I tried!

27) When is the last time you drank too much?
The day after never.

28) When was the last time you rode a bike?
My brother has stolen mine again...but I rode it all around the day I rescued it!

29) Do you have any vacation plans for this summer?
I go to the SC in three days. Holla!

30) Where were you 1 hour ago?
Asleep...on my bed.

31) Who will be your next kiss?
Cairo

32) Do you kiss a lot of people?
People? Mmm...not so much.

33) Are you wearing socks right now?
Nope!

34) When was the last time you went out of state?
Chicago for the Arts conference!

36) What was the last thing you had to drink?
Archer Farms Wildberry Water

37) What are you wearing right now?
Pink flowered pajama pants, and my MHS one act fest T-shirt. MY SPOON IS TOO BIG!

38) What was your last purchase?
Supplies for Sunnie's guacamole!

39) Last thing you ate?
E.L. Fudge cookie. Bad, Corrie BAD!

40) Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Work shirts.

41) Are you a sexual predator:
Why yes I am.

42) What is in the backseat of your car:
Absolutely NOTHING! That's because I have fold down seats, so everything ends up in the trunk to give the illusion of cleanliness. Much like a closet, or under the bed, etc...

43. Three words to explain why you last threw up:
One Giant Mistake

44. What is the equation for the Pythagorean theorem?
A squared plus B squared equals C squared

45. What was the last movie you watched?
Peal Harbor

46. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls?
Nah, I think every girl should strive to be deformed.

47. What kind of car does your mother drive?
A Cruiser of the PT sort, in the shade of black.

48. Do you like scrabble?
Not since the german teacher who was forced to teach french made us play it every day IN french to avoid actually teaching us anything. My bonjour is a triple word score!

49. Where did/do you attend high school:
IN the lake where the white bear died. Seriously! That's the legend. It's a little more detailed than that. And I didn't actually go to school IN the water. Just the city that's named for it. White Bear Lake, in case you didn't know.

50. Favorite scent:
Christmas! I guess that's a pine scent. I adore it.

51. Do you like mornings:
Not at 3:45 am! But other than that, yeah..we coo

52. Last television program you watched?
Oprah on TiVo.

53. Spell your name without any vowels:
Crr Ha! That's like Grr but with a "c"

54. Does your neighbor have an animal that annoys you?
Yes! ON both sides! Darn yippers.

55. Does your family own any boats:
Father has one. It moves every other year. I hear it floats.

56. Things you can't live without?
My pals, my fam, my furry friends, movies, writing...

57. Do you wear flip flops constantly:?
When I'm not required to wear something else! Or when it's not cold outside. I wear my Sanuks! They're magic, so just back off about how ugly they are already! Geez!

58. What do you think of Adam Brody?
He COULD have been my friend, but he blew that chance by going to film some show called "The OC" instead of keeping his engagement to promote Grind at TMOA...

59. Do you have air conditioning in your room?
Yes...but sometimes I genuinely doubt its existence.

61. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
It American Sign Language. We were all wearing ear plugs. Didn't work out so well for us. We were confused.

62. How often do you read books?
Never. I used to! I plan on changing that.

63. Do you like James Blunt?
Am I in trouble? Who is James Blunt?

65. Describe the computer you are currently using :
It was a gift from my sistah...which is funny, because she hates PCs. But they're cheap, what can I say? I enjoy it though. When it works :) It's an hp pavilion.

66. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
When I go out...does that mean with other people? Cuz that doesn't happen very often. I went out yesterday and it took me an hour to get ready. Not for normal reasons, but because I shut the bathroom door before I had pulled my foot through...took part of my ankle skin off, and it insisted on bleeding...a lot! That was annoying.

67. Will you donate your organs after you pass:
I should...but I forgot to check that box...

68. Have you been outside of the USA?:
Cruise to the BAHAMAS baby!

69. Would you ever get your nipple pierced?:
My nipples have enough problems on their own. Owie!

70. If you could pick one person to be with forever who would it be?
Jude Law... wait, does it have to be someone I know personally? Gawrsh...

A BELOVED FAVORITE...



Weep you no more sad fountains
What need you flow so fast?
Look how the snowy mountains
Heaven's sun doth gently waste.

But my sun's heavenly eyes
View not your weeping,
That now lies sleeping
Softly, softly, now softly
Softly lies sleeping

Sleep is a reconciling
A rest that peace begets.
Doth not the sun rise smiling
When fair at ev'n he sets?

Rest you then, rest, sad eyes,
Melt not in weeping,
While she lies sleeping
Softly, softly, now softly
Softly lies sleeping.

-Anonymous

How could I FORGET?!?!?!

Brad and I had been batting back e-mails for awhile, concerning the possibility of doing something fantastic combining music and drama near Christmas. AKA... A Christmas MUSICAL perhaps?!?!?!? Saweet!

So, he told me he had been looking online for possible musicals to perform. I dashed the idea a bit saying 'why not just write our OWN script...while setting it to both contemporary and classic Christmas songs? It's always cool to use music the audience is familiar with, but have it actually apply to a character."

Then I told him about See Me Through and continued to boost my idea. About twenty minutes later, I recieved this e-mail:

Exciting News!

We are planning on doing a Christmas Musical this year on a Sunday morning in December. The exact date has not yet been set - but we have been given the go-ahead. Along with our drama team headed up by Corrie Killmer - we will be writing and producing our own drama/musical using contemporary worship/Christmas songs as well as traditional ones being performed by members of our own Edge worship band.

There will be a number of solos as well as choral arrangements. Anyone seeking to do a solo will need to audition. EVERYONE is encouraged to participate.

Please pray for direction as we begin to prepare for this opportunity to reach our community with the great news of Jesus' birth.

Grace & Peace, Brad

AHHHHH! He used my idea! OH MY WORD! I'M WRITING A CHRISTMAS MUSICAL!!!!

That was just to the worship team, but we'll be posting both acting and singing auditions for the entire church! I'll have to stand my ground about the combining a good vocalist with good acting for solos. Because I don't want a random character to come out and sing a title song that doesn't apply to them unless it FITS the story. We all know how that bothers both Kelly and myself.

So there! Dreams are coming true my friends! Make way, make way! *HAPPY DANCE*

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Here it comes. The admission of the truth. I'm no longer at Dunn Bros. Where am I, you ask? CARIBOU! I must be crazy. I didn't think it would go this far. What do I mean? Well... the shortest version possible...

Whether it's all true or not is beyond me. I was up to my neck in teenage drama. Andi sought Ale out after he broke up with me, and all hell broke loose. Andi already had Jeremy...and Jeremy decided that after walking off his shift three hours early and being reprimanded by me for it...that he wanted nothing to do with me. What did he say to me? Oh yes. That I was just being mean to him because he was friends with Andi. NOT because he had abandoned his job without manager permission.

I was already tired of it. That's when Ale admitted to me that she and Andi had been conversing on a regular basis since the break up. WHAT?!?!?! What reason was there?? They weren't friends before! But apparently she had contacted him about a weekly BBQ...whatever. And then he felt he needed to set her straight on what REALLY happened between he and I. (This is what Ale told me...) He told her that I was never really in the relationship... that it was just another part I played because I'm an actress, and I was using him for comfort and stability in a hard time.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I don't know what else to say! Are you freaking kidding me? I was head over heels for the first Andi. But then there was second Andi, and third Andi. If I was guilty of any acting, it was acting happy waiting for the first Andi to return. Sometimes I miss the person he was so badly, it's hard to breathe. By the end of the relationship, he was a complete stranger. One that I truly resented.

I was so appaled that he and Ale had been talking, that I didn't know how to handle it. Suddenly my personal life was the subject of hushed whispers and awkward glances throughout the work place. I smoothed things over with Jeremy. He apologized for his remarks saying that he had had a bad day, and was taking it out on me.

Ale was offended, because she felt that I didn't put forth enough effort in my friendship with HER as I did with Jeremy. She and Andi had been feeding lies to each other about me for too long, so she felt completely honorable in her accusations. She continued to harass me for three days via text message.

I sent Amber a message telling her what Ale was doing. The next day, Ale continued her written abuse and accusations, absolutely furious that I had told Amber about any of it, saying that it was a personal problem. Well...it was being brought into the work place, so it was more than personal! But... how did Ale find out I told Amber? Because Amber blabbed everything at work...and it got back to Ale. If I couldn't go to Amber in confidence, who could I go to? I was heartbroken and confused.

After hours of trying to figure everything and EVERYONE out, I wrote to HR. I told them I took full responsibility for letting two employees too close to my personal life during times of personal crisis. Their answer to my problem was to accept my e-mail and plea for help as my immediate voluntary resignation. Amber and the Hugo store were left high and dry and I was left without a job. NOT the way I planned it at all! But if my boss couldn't help me and just made it worse, who was I supposed to talk to?

So, Amber was told I quit on the spot and she was furious. I can't blame her. I never would have done that to her had I had the choice. Although...I'm very glad all of this is over. I'll miss the store and the people, but certainly not the drama and the attitudes.


*sigh* So I'm back at the bou. I told Jody briefly what happened, and in a matter of hours I had a job. I wasn't asking her to find me one...but I couldn't turn it down either. I really don't want to go back there, but I don't have a choice at the moment. I need money!!

So Andi gets Dunn Bros and the employees... I didn't get much in the settlement agreement. Hahaha! I didn't even get to keep what I came with! Although... there were a few personal items that he never got his paws on. Caroline, Nikki, Jess, and Sarah. Four of the best people in the entire world...and they're the people on the planet who know me the best... and know that all of this was a bunch of bologna. It REALLY is sad that someone who claimed to know me so well would rather tell and believe lies than to actually embrace the person they knew and claimed to cherish. (BY someone I mean Andi...) But I'm not in the habit of begging people to accept or befriend me. That's just ridiculous.

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me!"

So here I am! Those who love me love me, those who hate me hate me...but I'm the same person to both. As dad told me SO many times...not everyone in this world is going to like you. SOme people are just flat out going to hate you...and they don't have to have a reason. YOu'll just have to accept that." Bitter bitter pill to swallow, but a necessary one for my overall wellness.

SO... I leave in six days. Woot woot!!! I can't WAIT! Then I come back and go to the ren fest. At least I hope so! I have a COSTUME! Laugh all you want, I care not!

I'm gonna go now. Have a fantastic day! I know I will! Have to go buy Bou clothes...argh.

Later!

Something big is about to change. There's too much going on, and I'm cutting it down before it ruins me. That's all I'm going to say for now, because pretty soon it could get spun around to be something it isn't. But I'm DONE!

In other news, I took a relationship personality quiz, and it's right on! It's a color code. Look at this!

Congratulations, Corrien, you are a BLUE personality. The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.

BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.

BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).


Crazy, huh? I know. Well, that's all for now I guess. I could go on and on about what's been going on and on, but some people just aren't worth it. That's why I'm getting rid of it all.

So...goodbye for now!

-ME

A better ME... and my mission, should I choose to accept it

Today is darker than it was yesterday, and yet the sun is shining brighter. It's having too much time to think and analyze what is, isn't, could be, won't be, shouldn't be, shouldn't have, might have been. I'm dizzy now.

A day off from work used to be a good thing. But that was when I knew how to make the world stop spinning. I would find things that made me happy and exist completely inside of them if only for a day. It was like my own personal magic trick. I could disappear and reappear within the random poetry of a day well spent. My ability to do that has seemed to vanish, replaced instead with a constant nagging feeling in the back of my mind. At times this feeling adopts the sound of a clock. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. What now, Corrie? What now? It's questions repeat ruthlessly. What now, Corrie? What now? Tick tock, tick tock. The possibilities are no longer endless. They have a schedule, just like everything else. What now, Corrie? What now?

I changed my hair again. No doubt another effort in changing me again. I don't think it worked. I've spent a great deal of time looking at my reflection in the mirror today, for some reason expecting to see a different face. I still look the same. I still feel the same. I still am the same. Tick...tick. What now?

My hair is not nearly as dramatic as I make it sound. I'm glad to have tried something different. There's something else clawing at my mind. Maybe it's just the tick tock clock, maybe it's something more. I'm not sure.

I've been analyzing my decisions that have taken place in the last year. Some were good, some not so good. I fantasize about doing something drastic. Finding a nanny job in some obscure location...with the promise of being treated as part of the family and brought along on glorious family vacations all around the globe. This is what I want pretty much every other day. Just to drop everything and start to live! Life Extraordinary!

I've fooled myself into believing I've accomplished things I haven't. Love? I don't know if I've ever found it. BJ was the first everything to me, so of course it would feel intense. But love? How do I know the difference? To have had nothing, and then a devoted relationship, and then tragedy...and then Andi. I didn't love Andi, not even close. But I loved being wanted around by someone who lived in the same state. I was COMPLETELY in love with that aspect of the relationship, as fleeting as it may have been. But I don't think I even know what love is. Romantic love, I mean. I know what it is to love a friend, a sister, a brother, a father, a mother. I know and cherish that love. But have I ever been IN love? I have no idea.

I scare myself sometimes with the sudden intense desperate need to figure that out. At first I thought it was a desperate need for love itself, but I think really that it's the need for discovery. I've existed in tragedy and drama for a very, very long time. Things happen in our family that other families cannot even imagine. It's come from the outside, people telling us in awe and disbelief... "Wow. With your family, when it rains it pours." And it's not too often that the storms subside for too long. Things just keep...happening. I amaze myself sometimes when I laugh. How can I laugh? How could anyone under the circumstances? How could anyone do silly dances and say silly things and poke people and tickle them and make them laugh with you too? Is that my gift? My mission? Do I exist in this family of tragedy to lighten the emotional burden? That's too bad... because I don't feel like I'm very good at it. But I do love to see them laugh. To smile. Is this why my fantasies of leaving seem so impossible? What do others depend on me for? What is my function?

I know pretty much every single person on the face of the planet asks that question of themselves on a regular basis. What is my purpose in life? What is God's plan for me? Why do the answers seem so hard to find? I long and ache for discovery. Discovery of so many things.

I fantasize about my trip to South Carolina. I fantasize about falling in love with a new place and not returning to the old one. Shedding the skin of tragedy and burden and starting over, fresh and new. Feeling the weight lift off my shoulders once and for all. Fill my scope with different sights and faces, each and every one of them unknowing of the life I've left behind. No more shadows of mistakes, just the light of new possibility. But then I think about my job, and my family, and float down from my cloud. How could I do that to them? How could I hurt them like that? And life gets heavier again. Back to earth.

Parts of my relationship with BJ were mistakes. However, I don't think ending it was a mistake at all. Neither of us were really truly happy. Whether it be the physical distance, or distances of other kinds... we were no longer who we were in the beginning. It's hard to let go of him, just because I know he loves me. Is he the only one who could?

Pretty much my ENTIRE relationship with Andi was a mistake. But it was so easy! So much of my life has been spent holding and comforting those around me. All of the sudden there was this man who wanted to hold and comfort ME and tell ME everything was going to be okay. He thought he felt things for me that he didn't, and I tricked myself into feeling things I knew I shouldn't. Everything I fell for in the beginning was fleeting and momentary and short lived...but it was a bad time to be alone. That's no reason to stay with anyone. I was selfish. And now? Ultimately alone. My fault, I guess. I should have been alone sooner. Self preservation.

Like so many people, I crave love. But I'm not looking for it. It't like trying to find lasting satisfaction in a bowl of ice cream. YOu want the ice cream, it tastes good, it seems like it could solve all your problems, but it turns out it wasn't ice cream at all. It was fat, and sugar, and flavor substitutes. The things I find that I believe to be love are really just momentary substitutes. At least I think so. But I don't knwo the difference!

Sounds like a lot of garbage coming from someone who's only dated two men. But there have in fact been more. The others were just people with ulterior motives. IN love with my sisters, to be exact. Or homosexuals. Whatever! Maybe those were all just adolescent what ifs, but they were real to me.

I know I haven't found forever yet. I also know that I wouldn't know it if I had! Parts of me miss BJ, and parts of me very much still miss Andi. Another thing I crave is consistency. To go from seeing someone pretty much every day to seeing him...not at all, has not been easy. Neither of us were happy, but I still enjoyed him most of the time. And in quiet moments alone, he would be that person that I fell for to begin with...and then everything I hated about the relationship seemed worth it. Sick and twisted, indeed. I miss the way he held me. In those moments I could drift away to possible, even though I knew I was better suited for never. It was lovely to pretend. It scares me though to think that I could probably pretend again, no matter how much I love for reality. Reality meaning making it REAL.

I'm a sick lady this week. I have allergies galore, parts of the misery due to another lung infection (cough cough, hack hack), woman special time, (with a few added complications), and a headache that just won't seem to end! My entire body is groaning every time I move, and there doesn't seem to be anything to do about it.

I lay completely still and try to focus on a screen. My eyes wander to a light source like they always do, and my mind wanders away from the story being told, to stories I've already seen with my own eyes. Memories, flashing in little sparks. Agonizing spurts of light. Flashes beating me through the sides of my head, ringing through my temples with hated glee REMEMBER ME! REMEMBER ME! My finger nails are longer these days. Know how I know? The memories drive me so crazy, my palms have started to pay the price. I can remember in great detail feelings and glances and touches and kisses, and then I get angry. Why can't I forget? Why can't I forget!!?!? I just want to be everything to somebody, not just for pretend. I want to combine the good things in everyone I've known to make the perfect man. What's wrong with that?

Oh, that's right. It's impossible. My mom prayed specifically for the man she wanted, all the way down to what he wore and what kind of sink would be in her kitchen. Her prayer was answered, and she found the most amazing man she had ever met. It scared her to death! Kelly prayed a similar prayer, following my mother's example and seems to think hers has been answered as well. I think I'm scared of praying a prayer like that. WHy? Why would i be scared of getting what I want? Probably because it's never happened before, and it might just be the end of me! Hah, no seriously. I don't know why I haven't done that yet. I think I'm scared of my future mistakes.

I'm really good at sabotaging relationships. I've done it my entire life. My trying so hard NOT to sabotage my relationship with Andi, I sabotaged my relationship with Andi. I was too accomodating, too willing, too perfect. I waited on him hand and foot, trying to avoid any possibly disagreement. Sometimes I would stand my ground and he'd seem to hate it, so I'd back down. The spark he saw in me was quickly and quietly extinguished, but I didn't even know I was doing it. I was boring. He was boring. We were boring. But we were wrong for each other anyway. I was who I thought he wanted me to be, but what if all he wanted was me? Oh well. If he was really him the whole time like he claims (even though I saw so many different versions) I guess I didn't want him anyway.

What if I pray that prayer, meet God's choice, and screw it up? How do I stay myself? I disappeared when I was with BJ, and I disappeared when I was with Andi. How do I keep me around? How do I stay the person they see in the beginning?

I watch my sisters with their men, hether in person or in spirit. I'm not jealous, or envious...it's almost painful to watch. It magnifies my failures and bad decisions. It's a strange feeling. I'm just not happy with myself. I'm happy with many ASPECTS of my life, but me as a person...I'm not happy with her at all. How do I fix that?

Focus on the positive, live life with joy, put on a happy face, be a cheerful servant. I just don't understand what's changing. The colors are different. Inside of me and out. Fears and disappointments are more present than before. Why is that? Life has gotten less severe if anything. Somedays my mom seems to be making a lot of progress. Why do I seem to be the one slipping?

BLAH. Well, it looks like I'm writing a novel this evening. I've been house sitting for Brad but haven't been able to really enjoy it like I thought I would. I thought I would be spending all of my free time there, but it just doesn't feel as good to be alone anymore. I'm really tired of it, actually. My parents used to marvel at how well I could entertain myself. I was friends with everyone growing up, but friends weren't necessary in my every day life like they were for Sunnie. I was content to spend the time with myself, write a story or make up a play. Now... the silence wreaks havoc on my ears and drives me crazy. Movies depress me and just make me wish that I were anyone else but me...the person watching other stories happen instead of living my own. I wish I had the means to travel. REALLY travel. See the world! But not alone. I don't want to do it alone.

Okay, I think I'm done for now. My headache is taking over my head. Time to find something else to do.

Have a good evening.

-Whoever I am today...

Today was an interesting day! I had a moment of weakness last night and couldn't sleep very well as a result. My stomach kept me up, but my cloud of a bed relaxed me somewhat. (I'm still praying for the someday tempurpedic.) My stomach hurts so bad when my mind wanders to places it shouldn't. It's like God's warning signs. Corrie! Knock it off! Te-he-he. So, as a result I was very sleepy and somewhat zombie-ish this morning.

Jeremy came in at 5:45 to start his shift. He was not feeling well either. What a pair! We had good conversations though. I really love him. He helps keep me sane. He brings clarity to my jumbled thoughts. We figured out something today that I hadn't thought of before. It makes a LOT of sense!

Later on Jeremy had to roast, so it was just me and Peter. IN the nicest way possible...Peter is complete incompetent. It's more like working by myself. He just gets in the way! He takes orders, screws them up and I have to correct them and fix his mistakes, while making all the drinks, restocking things, grabbing bakery, and waiting on customers. Then while he sees me running around like a crazy person, he stands there and watches, going "Um..should I do something?" HECK YES YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING! GOSH! So I say "Um...you could make the drinks you just rang up. I have about 12 I'm making on drive." He looks at me, blinks, and says "Oh." And proceeds to take at least five minutes on each drink. But enough complaining. I really like Peter as a person. He makes me giggle. And working with him actually makes time FLY because you never stop moving...around him.

After work I zipped home to help with the sale, though I really wasn't much help. I ended up selling my entire LOTR action figure collection for $75.00 WOW!!! When I think about it, I know I spent WAY more than that, but people don't typically like to spend that much on toys at sales. But whateva! I wasn't about to complain! Paul's cousin Erin was there helping out again, and she and I have a lot in common. We ended up trading things we each had brought to sell. She got my personal karaoke gadget (you plug it into an MP3 player and you can hear yourself sing along in the ear phones...) and I got roller skates! Saweet! I used to zip zip zip all over the place on roller skates back in the day. I was WAY excited. I tried them out this evening...I need practice, OH BOY!

A couple days ago, I invited my dad out on a date. Tonight was the night! We each showered and looked nice, and left the house for a 5:10 showing at the new Rosedale theater for "Bourne Ultimatum". It was FANTASTIC! And Dad had a blast. He was very very thankful, saying he hadn't had fun like that in a long time. We got popcorn and half lemonade half Sprite...and got butter topping on the popcorn... because we're never allowed to with Mom. We were living it up!

After the excellent movie I treated Dad to his all-time favorite, Willow Gate. They've completely changed! They built like...the great wall of Willow Gate outside, so you walk through a little passageway, it's adorable! They re-did the front, and offer a completely different menu! Aside from the old favorites, they've added an entire Thai section and lots of other new things to try. Lots of seafood! It's incredible. We ate too much. We purposely ordered more than we could eat so we could bring Mom a feast.

Now home again, and reflecting on life. It's amazing how fast things can change, and how different ones perspective can be from one day to the next. Life is not easy by any means, but things that i thought were making it easier before, were actually adding far too many complications. More than I needed! I like where I am.

It's still good to get away though! That's why I'm so excited about my trip! And again, I'm stupid. I'm flying INTO North Carolina, but they actually live just inside of South Carolina, so I was right the first time. So I'm going to say I'm going to both! So there! Rachel is so so excited. She can't wait either! Things to look forward to! Yay!

Also there's the Renaissance Festival. Did I mention that already? I ordered a costume online. I'm so excited! Laugh all you want, last year was the first time I dressed up, and I had a blast! And it was a 2 minute costume...this one will be real! It's my Era! Curves were in, chunky was good! Thin meant you were going to die. It's just the truth! I am unbelievably attractive at the Renaissance Festival, and Ophelia opened my eyes to exactly that. The attention I got was amazing! Jammer is going with me. He wants me to order him a Monk costume. It comes with the bald head wig. NOOO! A Medieval Monk. No, Jamie. No! He wants it badly. We shall see.

Even little times away are things to be excited about. Next week I'm house sitting for the worship Pastor at First, Brad. That'll be fun! A little retreat all for me. Yeah... you're so jealous!

Well, I guess that's it for now. It was a good day! Tomorrow is the first Saturday I've had off in about a million years. I hope I can handle it!

Later taters!

-ME

What UP?

So! Let's see. Jammer cut his hair off. YES! I win! What? No, just that I've been begging him to do that forever.

Tomorrow is the opening of the garage sale Sunnie has worked her little butt off on. People from multiple families have donated items to sell for our family to keep the profits, can you believe it? Sunnie is selling a REALLY NICE couch and love seat if anyone is interested. But come on by! Or if you have stuff you don't want and want to let us sell it, that would be fine and dandy too!

My trip plans are finalized. And it's not South Carolina, it's North. I'm an idiot, that's all. Why this sudden trip, you ask? Well, when Andi and I ended our relationship I was kinda bummed, realizing I had nothing to look forward to. I was intended to go with them all to Missouri for Tim's graduation. I have no idea whether or not I still get an invite, but along with many other realizations, I decided...hey! Who needs them? Haha...no, not like that. But I can take a trip on my own! I was excited to go on a trip, so I planned one myself. I'm going to stay with Uncle Scott and Aunt Rachel for about five days. August 31st through September 4th. Rachel is thrilled!

It's weird how happy I am about life right now. Kelly and Andi are taking their time away from me, or whatever. Actually, I think I'm taking my time away from them. I miss watching movies and stuff, but once the initial shock wore off, and I was honest with myself, everything was okey dokey. Kelly is holding onto the drama for whatever reason, even though she knows FULL WELL why I panicked. Whether she decided to share that information or not, I have no idea. But the best part is...is I don't care.

For awhile there was this urgent need...a need to let them know why everything happened the way it did, and for them to get excited WITH me. My world got tipped over and I was dizzy, and shocked and confused as to why it had happened. I guess that wasn't allowed. I was supposed to be silent and perfectly okay to keep my distance and give up my every day routine for the sake of the comfort of those around me who were all going about life as if nothing had ever happened. Now when I get to the point where it feels like nothing bad happened and I'm actually OKAY...that's not all right either. It's exhausting! Geez Louise.

I'm pretty much fantastic now, and still look forward to when they're fantastic too. I guess I don't understand why Kelly isn't. She's got a pretty sweet deal. Pretty much nothing to worry about! But alas... it feels good not to have that urgency for contact. I've got better things to do! LIke now...Harry Potter night!

BYE!

Alas...it is me!

Fo sho! I... don't know

So, I sent out a mass e-mail tonight from work (where I do my best e-mailing) asking people to come on in to Dunn Bros and join the eClub so we can win pizza. Pastor Steve Turnbull and his wife Amy and their two kids ventured all the way to my store just for THAT! I couldn't believe it! He said it was also because he wanted to visit and that they love me. AWWWWWWWWW! He's such a fantastic guy. I felt really goofy though, I didn't think anyone would take it THAT seriously. But it made me happy.

In other news, Jammer might come with me to SC. We'll see! He's got a job at the state fair this year, he'll be working 17 hour days for two weeks solid, and making a lot of money! It'll be worth it. Then it's off we go! I hope I hope.

He and I hit up Wal-Mart tonight for "300" and "Hot Fuzz"... he was absolutely thrilled. I let him get the 2-disc special edition of each. He's spoiled rotten. But I love him! And that's all I've got for now. Jams and me ordered pizza. (His maybe almost first girlfriends favorite kind of pizza...because she told him to try it. Pineapple and banana peppers. YUM!) G'night!

I'm going on VACATION! Woot, woot! South Carolina here I come! Things are good in the neighborhood! Life is peachy keen, jelly bean! Guess what else? We are well on our way to winning the pizza. Confused? Come see me at Dunn Bros and I shall clear up the mystery.

Talked to old friends today. It was refreshing! It's always fun to have people affirm what you already know. Bwa-ha-ha! Thanks for the chats pals. I'm so EXCITED about so MUCH! Yeah...you wish you were me.

Later taters!

MOI!

You are a Total Romantic

For you, love is like a fairy tale. Or magic. Or a Meg Ryan movie. Problem is, you sort of want all three. You bring the spark in the relationship In turn, you expect your guy to keep the fire burning Not a bad deal, as long as you find the right Prince.

Are You a Romantic or Realistic Girl?

It's all officially over now. Part of me is relieved. There were a dozen things that drove me crazy in that relationship, but I honestly believed I could change them. Or at least I hoped I could. I needed to be needed, I wanted to be wanted. I got that for a little while, but it turns out Andi was confused the entire time, but just went with it because he didn't know what else to do. I think I was definitely the wrong person to be confused with!

I made a lot of mistakes. One of the biggest ones was looking the other way when there was something I didn't like. I figured looking past faults was better than being alone. Silly, but it made sense. Even Kelly got tired of him giving her the finger.

I was in love with his family, and that's the wrong reason to stay in a relationship with someone. I wanted to be a part of it all, and so everything else that went along with it was worth it. He wasn't what I needed. He wasn't even what I wanted. But as long as I thought he wanted me, nothing else mattered. It felt too good to give up. So yes, it did hurt to lose it, but if someone had told me the truth sooner, it would have actually made sense.

I'm glad Kelly told me the truth. She thinks I'm putting her in the middle of some huge battle, but there is no battle. It's gone now. When I thought that he actually had had real feelings for me in the past, I thought that that meant I should try to salvage what I could. But... there was nothing real there, other than his admiration for my creative genius. Can't really blame him, I guess. I am kinda fantastic.

Maybe one day we can be friends. Maybe even business partners or bandmates like we had planned. Who knows? I can't predict the future. There was no real romance, and I knew that. There was attraction though, and that felt real. But there was always something missing. I just thought...oh well!

He really cares about me as a person/friend, and I really care about him too. And I DO love him..as a person and a friend. I was in love with his family, and in many ways, I found him to be a creative genius as well! And that was really exciting. I saw great things in the future! Maybe they're still there. Projects, not a relationship. Not anything other than friends, anyway.

Andi was like a drug. When I first started taking the Andi drug, it was fantastic! It took me away from my wretched reality and gave me permission to laugh, and to feel other emotions. But then it became an addiction, like an urgent need to have more Andi to feel better. I got lost in it willingly and freely. When I came off the Andi drug, I went through withdrawal. It was panicky and scary, and I was wobbly wondering if I'd ever be able to make it without the potent drug. Then I would start to feel better, realizing things I didn't see before. But then there he'd be (usually my fault) and it was like taking another hit of the drug, and it all started all over again. Andi detox...that what has brought me to this point. And I can breathe!

I wasn't in love with him like I thought. I was in love with the illusion, and love like that fades quickly. Our relationship happened so fast, that it really shouldn't surprise me how fast it's fading away into the background. It's unfortunate how crazy things had to be... but like any drug, it was unhealthy.

What should have just been a close friendship turned into something it shouldn't have, but I don't regret it. I'm glad I know him! And I'm glad that I am able to understand myself better, and the way I react to things. People give crazy advice, but it turns out I'm smarter than a lot of people. I just had to listen to my gut!

Andi and I both should have spoken up sooner. We were both uneasy about so many things, but neither of us ever said anything for fear of upsetting the other. How dumb is that? Oh, well. Too late now. Time for new frontier. Onward!

Thank you Lord for clarity. Thank you THANK YOU! I'm so glad I'm not crazy...

It's been about a week since something bad happened, so I guess it's time. THe last bad thing that happened was Jeremy accidentally kicking my knee cap off my knee. That sucked, but this is worse. When am I going to be allowed to breathe? When will life just STOP snowballing??

Andi broke up with me last night. His reasons don't make sense, and he blamed most of it on him not knowing what he wants and being confused. Typical male. BUT, he doesn't want to lose me as a friend. That makes sense... not.

It hurts so bad. I just wanted to wake up! He entered into a relationship with me, AFTER I told him due to the circumstances surrounding my life that there WOULD be strong attachments formed, but he said he knew that, and wasn't afraid of it. There were so many things said, but no matter what I said, I still felt like a failure. He said there's no romantic attachment on his end. So I accused him of faking it. He said he never faked anything. What does that MEAN? If he wasn't feeling the way about me that his words and actions led me to believe, isn't that called faking it?

I just want to shake my head and make it all disappear. I want to be able to pretend like nothing ever happened. Being with Andi was the first time I was really happy in a very very long time, and it's over now. Why is it already over?

There were so many things he knew about that had screwed me up in the past, and he did all the same things. Why would anyone do that? Why would anyone seek out a wounded animal just to kick it around even more and leave it barely living? He watched me crumble and told me he wanted to be the one to help me pick up the pieces.
But then he scattered the remains into a million more pieces that I can barely recognize. He said I did absolutely nothing wrong, and then way things turned out his completely his fault, and that he's doing it now so that he doesn't have to lead me on anymore. So I asked him what he was faking...because that's what leading people on is, is faking it. He said he never faked anything. I asked him why he told me he sees a future with us, and all he said was that it was wrong of him to say that, and that he was sorry.

This is all so messy. I involved Andi in every single aspect of my life! Not only is my sister dating, and planning to marry HIS brother, my little brother is Andi's buddy. Andi and Jeremy (after my introduction) have started a label together. Jeremy works for me, and he's one of my best friends. He's Andi's friend too now. Andi is on my drama team, and we both are a part of the worship team now. How do I cut him out of a life that he wanted to be so involved in? He doesn't want me to, he wants to be my really good friend.

I don't want to be pathetic! I can't go backwards and hang out in groups and pine after the host wishing and hoping constantly that he would see me as more than a friend. We were already MORE than friends, and I was so happy, and he's telling me that it was all one big mistake.

He's so inconsistent. One day he'd be telling me how happy and excited he was about all things us, the next he would be saying we got too serious too fast. A day later he would be telling me he sees a future with us. After that it was that he didn't want to lead me on. A day after that would be telling me he believes we feel the exact same way about each other. I brought all those things up, and all he did was say he was sorry. That's when anger replaced hurt. "Don't you understand what you're doing to my head? You can't treat someone like this! I'm a PERSON! I'm a GOOD PERSON! Why are you doing this?"

But looking at all of those inconsistencies really just illustrates I guess that he's not faking his confusion. As if that's supposed to be comforting.

I feel sick. I was just a mistake. I'm a mistake...

But he's really going to miss me.

I stole that picture from Kelly's myspace. No particular reason for it to be in this entry, really. I just like it! Andi and Tim... it says a lot about them. If a picture says a thousand words...you learn a lot about them right there! It's a good picture. Te-he! It's a funny picture. ANYWAY!

Yesterday was a good day. Granted, my period was at its worst and I was absolutely miserable, good things happened.

I woke up early and so did Kelly, so she could flat iron my hair. Then it was off to church for the drama recruitment! YAY! Three services after pretty much no sleep. I was tired, and my head was pounding, and all period symptoms were at their peak. Whoopie! Anyway.

The first service was rushed and not very good, I'll admit it. But it was the early riser old people. I heard a few chuckles, but...it was not fun. The second service went much better, but my microphone kept falling off! But since the skit was operating under the premise of the second actor not showing up, I just looked up and said "This is not working out for me today, Lord." And that got laughs. The THIRD service was phenomenal. At least it felt like it was! I was so sick, that I stopped caring how goofy I looked and just resolved myself in the idea that I was a complete and total idiot, and I had a blast! Andi, Jamison, and Andi's parents came. That made me nervous, because the new "special" people in my life had never seen me perform before...it was a big deal to me!

I was also nervous having his parents at my church. I take great pride in my church and was scared of them hating it. It's hard to build a relationship with someone when you hear them hate something you love so much. But they really enjoyed themselves and want to come back! Not only that, but both Andi and his Mom want to join the drama team! AHHHH! SCORE!

So after church Jamison, Andi and I headed back to Andi's house and he grilled us up some hamburgers. I went to the grocery store as Jamie, Andi and Andi's dad headed to Andi's studio to pack up all the gear. It was a huge job, and took them all day. Meanwhile, Nikki came over to Andi's to hang out with me. I can't tell you how wonderful that was.

Nikki is the only person in the world who appreciates everything I appreciate. We gushed about our love lives and told the "How we met" stories, and squealed and giggled together for hours. We pranced around in Andi's gigantic bathroom singing show tunes together. Only Nikki and Kelly would ever do something that ridiculous with me. I couldn't wait to show Nikki my new favorite past time! And I knew she'd love it too.

The degree to which I miss her when she's gone can't really be put into words. It's comforting to know I've got a life friend in her. And we both want a son named Caleb. Hmmm...we'll see what we see. First to the finish line wins, I guess!

Nikki returned my crocheting supplies to me. She packed a bag full of them and took them home with her when she came to visit me in Alabama. I'm gonna get back into it now, finally. I was kinda bummed to realize the squares I had made for my own blanket were gone. Then I remembered I used them on a bag Kelly and I had stayed up all night making for BJ's Mom's birthday last year. I knew she didn't really like it, and now I know for SURE she'll never use it, simply because of who it's from. I wish I could steal it, take it apart and make me a blankie. She may have hated it, but I kinda loved it...and it scares me to think she may just toss it out. My fingers worked SO hard on that! But then again, she kept everything Laura related, so who knows? But if I had it, I would use it. I'd definitely use it! We took apart a throw pillow to make that purse. Oh, well Corrie. It's gone now.

So I'm gonna start crocheting again. I need to re-learn how to make the squares, because I can't remember! Maybe I'll make something for Jocelyn, who knows? The day ended with my all day headache finally disappearing, and me drifting into long awaited sleep. Now I have the day off and nothing to do! I'm THRILLED!

Until later then...

ME

I was somewhat consistent with my writing for awhile...ah, well. I knew it wouldn't last. So many things have happened, that I can't even keep track. My mom's memory has returned, and she's back home now. Finances are still a struggle, but that doesn't seem like something that will be going away in the near future.

The drama recruitment will finally happen this Sunday. I'm nervous/excited. Andi and I have both joined the First Lutheran worship team. Andi as a multi-talented musician, and me as just a vocalist. It should be fun! The first two times I sing will be with Kari. I'm excited about that! And yet nervous... it's been awhile.

I haven't been feeling too well lately. As of this very moment I'm watching my I don't feel good, fix me movie. "Sense & Sensibility"... ah, yes. "Is love a fancy or a feeling? Or a Ferrars...?" Ah, sisters. It's such a splendid movie. It makes me happy.

Andi has decided to move his recording studio to his house. That means a lot of work overall, but a good way to save money, and have a lot more access to random spontaneous creative endeavors. Go Andi!

I really have nothing all that interesting to say... but I felt an update of sorts was needed. Good night all. Love you madly.

There just doesn't seem to be a break. There's never any time for things to get better before something else happens.

Early Wednesday morning my dad was woken up by my mom having another seizure. She was very disoriented afterward, and speaking in something that sounded like a foreign language. Sunnie called an ambulance and my mom was once again taken to the emercency room of Regions Hospital.

My mom remained in a coma like state for 2 days. They couldn't get her to wake up. She continued to have seizures which were caused by the swelling of her brain. The swelling was caused by high blood pressure, which was caused by the fact that she has no kidneys and is on dialysis. Her blood pressure should have been closely monitored, but it wasn't.

She woke up yesterday afternoon. As of right now, she has no memory of anything or anyone. The seizures and lack of oxygen and swelling really did a number on her. My mommy doesn't know she's a mommy. One devestating blow after another. How does a family survive this? And then there's more...

My family survives on my dad's overtime. Without it we can't afford...life. The post office is no longer going to offer that overtime we depend on. We can no longer afford the house we live in. What now? Sunnie and I help out where we can, but both of us make hardly anything compared to what we need to survive in our current situation. House payments, electricity and water, ambulances....

My mom is still in the ICU at Regions, so understandably my dad's been a little preoccupied with all of that. He hasn't been working. He's using up his sick leave. I've missed several days, but it's all been necessary. What now? WHAT NOW??? I just don't know.

So... I'm gonna go now. People keep saying 'let me know if there's anything I can do to help..." but there isn't. There just isn't.

So, the toe was worse than I thought. LONG story short, I ended up having impromtu surgery and am not allowed to walk or stand for too long, or wear shoes. So work is kinda out. At least for now. I was awake for all of it, but they stuck lots of needles into my toe, and blood was EVERYWHERE!!! Thank God I was numb.

THen they cut off part of my toe nail with medical scissors. If I would have felt that, I probably would have passed out. The pain is great, but so are the pain killers! And lots of antibiotics. Everyone who looked at my toe cringed and shuddered. "That looks so painful! That looks horrible!" And it was my big toe... which made me walk funny...and then the chain reaction I mentioned earlier.

My poor Andi is covered in horrible sunburn that turned into giant yellow blisters all over his back. He's bubbly in a bad way now. I rub aloe with lidocaine on him whenever he can stand it, but it's pretty horrible. What a pair we are!

We talked last night and came to the agreement that I need compassion, not disgrace. We're still learning how to handle each other. Everyone responds differently to different situations. At least life is still exciting with him! Indeed. Yeah, I love him. Whoops! Did I just type that out loud? Hahahaha.

ANYWAY! I'm gonna go now. Andi and I are both out of work with the plan to watch movies all day and groan in misery.

BYE!

CHICAGO! --wel, suburb of. Never really even saw the city to be honest. But nonetheless! It was enjoyable. Made some new friends, hung out with God. Sweet!

The trip began on Tuesday, June 12th 2007. I had worked earlier that morning, and raced home to pack and make last minute arrangements. I was nervous about spending lots of time in a confined space with virtual strangers. We all met up the church and introduced ourselves. Here's who went!

Corrie Killmer (Um, yeah. If you don't know...you're in TROUBLE!)
Stephen Turnbull (Teaching Pastor of First Lutheran)
Brad Smith (Pastor of Worship)
Kari Charbonneau (Worship team/Pastoral assistant)
Taylor Charbonneau (15 year old genius! Sound and lighting tech)
Paul Pierre (Sound and lighting)
Jill Bishofsky (Brad's GF, and worship team coordinator...and a brilliant nurse!)

So we headed out! Bran and Kari were driving, so we split up boys and girls. It was a blast! We chatted up a storm and the hours flew by. We stopped at Subway for lunch....still kinda shy with each other. After Subway the cars switched up a bit. It was me Kari and Steve in Kari's car, and Brad, Paul, Taylor and Jill in Brad's car. Kari and Steve talked about their lives growing up while I snoozed in the back.

We made it into Arlington Heights, Illinois around 10:45 pm or so. We checked in and took forever figuring out who was in what room, and then retreated to our respective areas. Jill and I were roomies. We had a king size bed and a pull out couch. She insisted on taking the pull out couch (She's tiny anyway. I didn't feel bad!) so I got the king. She has a king at home, and I have a twin... so we decided it was totally fair. I slept diagonally every night! Why? Because I could!!

Wednesday morning I woke up with the sun as usual. I was excited! I got up way too early and showered while Jill slept. I packed up my plan see bag and headed downstairs for a very early breakfast of hard boiled eggs, yogurt and french toast. Delish! The rest of the group VERY slowly made their way downstairs. Then it was off to Willow Creek Church!

It was so intimidating. If you haven't seen it...the way Jeremy describes it is a Jesus Mall. They have a restaurant, an escalator, indoor waterfall, a huge book store. Not to mention the numerous auditorium...the main one having three levels. It's HUGE! It looks like a concert hall.

The first session was everyone altogether in the main auditorium. We heard some speakers and then had lunch. (YUM!) Then we heard some more speakers, more worship... and called it a day! Afterwards, we all went out for true Chicago Style pizza. (The stuffed kind) and it was delicious! I entertaied the crowd with different accents and funny stories. That's when people started to get excited about my drama ministry. "Wow, Corrie. YOu should be in drama!" I laughed.

That night I fell asleep early, but the rest of the group had a Wii party in Kari and Taylor's room.

The next morning I was up early again, ate breakfast with Paul and Taylor, and then we headed out to our break out sessions. I had signed up for four different drama related classes. I may sound like a snob, but seriously? I knew everything already. It was kind of a yawn fest. We all got together at lunch and discussed our sessions. Everyone else had experienced like life altering lessons, whereas I was like "Huh... yeah I knew that." Everyone in the classes I took were trying to sound so special, so instead of asking questions, everyone would talk about hwo great their drama ministry is and compare notes. It was silly.

One of the sessions was called Creating a Scene, and they dug apart one script for an hour and a half, giving specifin instructions on how to make that one scene in that one script spectacular. Why? What do you take home from that? We were studying what the characters were thinking in one stupid (badly written) script. What were we supposed to gain? It was a showcase of a drama director directing something that none of us would ever direct... so I just kinda fidgeted and snuck out early.

I ended up altogether skipping my last class. I should have signed up for music classes or something fun like that. Kari had a blast in her vocal performance classes! I know I've got a lot to learn there still! But alas. No such luck. Ah, well. It was actually a blessing in disguise skipping my last class...

I was walking around the church taking pictures on my cell phone to show my family. I was so bored, I was trying to find random people to text. I was texting Kelly, Andi and Jeremy... but they all stopped responding. So...I was scrolling through my contacts. I landed on Dan Wellumson. He was my D.A.R.E. officer in 5th grade, and we remained friends. We've lost each other and then found each other several times throughout the years. The last time I talked to him was the day my mom was going to have her second kidney removed. A lot has happened since then! Oh my word. I was supposed to have called him and given him an update. That's exactly what I was thinking when I looked up from my phone.

To my left was a man sitting at a table in the Atrium, looking a lot like Dan Wellumson. I laughed, thinking how creative my eyes were to play tricks on me like that, after just reading his name. But then his eyes bugged out of his head and he grinned from ear to ear. "Corrie!" he yelled. I couldn't believe it! Holy cow!

I rushed over and gave him a hig and told him I was just thinking about how I was supposed to call him, and how random this was. He kept saying what a God thing it was. I agree! We were both skipping class. Hahaha! Me and my D.A.R.E. officer. We sat and talked for almost an hour about everything. It was so great to just...ramble! We talked about me, about him, about my mom, about his dad, about my siblings, about his kids... we just couldn't believe we ran into each other at a conference that was hosting more than 8,000 people. I barely saw the people I came with! But there he was. It was amazing.

After that we headed back to the hotel, and then out for Thai food. (I had to call Kelly and ask her what to order) I was treated by someone else to dinner pretty much every time we went anywhere. They were very pushy. After dinner we went back to the hotel again. Brad and Jill went to the hot tub, so I hung out in my room and dozed to some TV. Then Jill came and jokingly yelled at me for being anti-social. We went to Kari and Taylor's room where everyone else was and watched "Cash Cab". I taught Taylor how to play "Mrs. Mumble" and h almost died. He laughs every time I look at him so it was easy to win! We got everyone to play for a little while, and that was just too funny!

To bed again and then off to Willow Creek for the last time. Worship was amazing and made me bawl my eyes out. Two of the worship leaders told their testimony, and it was about the suffering of one of their daughters. They talked about all the hospitals and health problems, and how it tears you up...I couldn't relate more. They went on to talk about how thei faith was tested and how angry they were...and how much strength it took to continue to praise God through it all. The woman, helena sang "Praise you in this storm" which I had never heard just a girl and a piano sing. She slowed it down and it ripped your heart out, I swear. The guy sang a song he had written called "An Honest Conversation" and that made my cry even harder. Being honest with God, and finally coming around to talk to him again. Geez. They sang a couple praise songs about leaning on God, relying on him, running to him when you can't find anyone else. How your help comes from the Lord... it was tough, and I had no tissues, and I was snot filled. They had everyone who was in the midst of a storm stand to their feet so they could be surrounded and prayed for. I couldn't stand up, but Kari laid her hand on me anyway.

The first session was really good. The speaker reminded Kari and I of Kevin James. After him it was snack time, and then time for the final speaker. The final speaker was from a church in California called Mosaic, and he and his team performed something they called "Scribble" and how you gotta draw outside the lines. It was awesome! Dancing, dramatic monologues, comedy, and the sermon and personal stories were excellent.

After all was said and done we got back into boy and girl cars and hit the road. We stopped at Subway again for lunch (Connected to a restaurant we all made fun of called 'Beef-A-Roo") THen we hit the road again! More stories and bonding in the girl car. By the time we made it back to church we were best friends.

Through the whole trip my toe was an ever present issue that wouldn't really go away. Jill performed surgery on it a couple times, draining it etc. Now it's really bad, and looks horrible, and it's spreading. So... I have to go to urgent care. Yay! No, not so much. It's father's day and I can't walk. But...they weren't open so i was passing time by blogging. But now I have to go. Chicago was a blessing in so many ways, and I am so glad I went! My toe will thank me later.

Stupid toe. It's just a toe but its caused a lot of damage. I walk weird which hurts my ankle, which throws my knee off, which pushes my hip out... and it's just really ugly and painful! And the cause of my first fight with Andi. Oh, well. I do what I can...and everyone knows I'm good at taking care of everyone else but me. He was telling me I have screwed up priorities and back bad choices... after I went out and bought him a bunch of stuff to take care of his sunburn he got by making the stellar decision to stay out on a boat all day in the sun without sun screen. Hypocrite.

Okay! I'm done now. Goodbye!

Hello all! In Chicago right now! We come home tomorrow. I'll be more extensive upon my return. My toe is still infected, but has been worked on carefully by new friend Jill. My adopted little brother Taylor, son to adoptive mother Kari looks over my shoulder now... hi Taylor! Bye now!!

Come on! You know you want to.


1. Your Middle Name:

2. Age:

3. Relationship status:

4. Favorite Movie:

5. Favorite Song or Album:

6. Favorite Band/Artist:

7. Sea or Sky?

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

10. What's your philosophy on life?

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?

12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

13. What is your favorite memory of us?

14. What is your favorite pleasure?

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

16. You can have three wishes (for yourself) - what are they?

17. Can we get together and bake cookies?

18. Which country is your spiritual home?

19. What is your biggest challenge?

20. Do you think you're a hard worker?

21. What was your best/favorite subject at school:

22. Describe your accent:

23. If you could change anything about yourself, would you?

24. What do you wear to sleep?

25. Day or Night?

26. Chocolate or Vanilla?

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?

28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

I have an infected toe. Just thought you should know.

ANYWAY! I leave for Chicago day after tomorrow. I'm nervous/excited. The silly part I'm actually nervous about is the actual driving there part. Road tripping with strangers...freaky! Why? Because cars are tight and cramped and if you don't instantly enjoy the person you're toushing shoulders with, you are in for a LONG car ride.

I'm also nervous because of all the break out sessions. Out on my own! AHH! And in a classroom setting, I haven't done that in awhile. And I'll be taking drama classes, and team building classes...so what if I'm made to look like an idiot? I don't think so, but we shall see. ANYWAY.

I have nothing really all that interesting to talk about. Oh well. Let's see...

Sometimes I wish I could run away as fast as I can from all things coffee. Never again hear the words espesso, milk froth, and crema. Never to tap and swirl, never again to breathe in deeply the choking aroma of mocha powder. True, I enjoy it...sometimes. But most times I just want to scream. It's not the job itself, it's not the coffee, it's not the place, and it's not the people. It's the fact that I've been doing it for too long and never seem to get anywhere. Not only that, but the hours and the randomdess of every coffee house schedule. It's hard to handle, and you never get a solid sleeping pattern. It IS a fun job, and I'm the envy of a lot of people, but every once in awhile the weird part of me craves the typical monday through friday desk job. No more working weekends! That would be heaven! While all the other normal people are sleeping in on Saturdays, I would NOT be setting my alarm for a time before the sun wakes up.

OR--- I just go the other route and become rich and famous and don't need the coffee or the desk. Just bask in the glory of the genius that is me. That would be enjoyable! Although somewhat unlikely...while at the same time too much fun to think about.

Am I done talking about absolutely nothing? Probably not... but my eyes are slowly closing, and my brain therefore slowly shutting off. I wonder why it is that working six hours today felt twice as long as the typical eight or nine hour day? It was confusing to say the least.

Maybe it was because of the excruciating pain caused by my infected toe. Indeed. The pain of toe is great. I have nothing else really to talk about. So here is where I end it.

Goodbye.

My mom fell out of bed today, and smashed her head/face on the floor. She is extremely swollen, and her lip was cut...so there was a lot of blood. Lots of red, black and blue.

She was instantly ill and sleepy, so we're thinking she has a concussion. I stopped the bleeding as best I could. She just keeps crying and crying. We're taking her to the ER now. With the problems she had with her head before, we can't be too careful. She hit her head HARD.

When I was rinsing the blood out of a rag again and again to clean off her face, I just couldn't get over how calm I was. The blood was mixing with the water, turning into a dull brown, the bright red fading away. It swirled around in the white sink and disappeared. Again and again I rung it out, drenched it in cold water to numb the pain. Cleaning out blood clots from her mouth, and the blood running down her chin and neck. Her tears mixed with the blood and dripped onto her night gown. I shushed and calmed her like I would a child. She held onto my wrist and squeezed it.

I pushed her hair back off her forehead and helped her into bed. I propped her up on pillows and tucked her in. Sunnie placed an ice pack on the side of her face, and I held the wash cloth up to her mouth. She cried and moaned, and talked about all of the horrible things that have happened to her.

The tears were sitting at the back of my throat, making it ache with sorrow. You just have to swallow it back and keep on talking. Be calm, be collected, but keep talking. Keep her calm, keep her collected.

"You have a life to lead, Mama. YOU have to lead it, not fear. It's okay to be scared, but you cannot let it lead your life. That's your job. Life doesn't stop being a gift just because it changes. Treasure your gift, Mama. And make sure you're living it."

All these things she's heard before. She still nods, she still says "Yes. Yes." Then she moans out "Oh, Jesus. Help me, Jesus. Why Lord, why? Why me? Why now? Why again?"

I push her hair back again, and dab at the blood around her mouth while wiping her tears away. "Every life is different. Every plan is different. No two people are alike. God has a plan for each one of us. Let go and let God, Mama."

"I know, Corrie. I know. I have."

"No, Mama. If you have, you wouldn't be asking why. Let go and let God, Mama. Let go and let God." Then the racking sobs ensue. I hold her hand and stroke her shoulder. She leans against me and says over and over again "I'm so tired. I'm so scared. I'm so tired. I'm so scared."

"I know, Mama. But you're not alone. You're okay. You're not alone. We're all here with you, and we love you."

All these things she knows by heart, but always has to hear them. She told me once before that she needs me around simply to tell her every day that everything is going to be all right. I told her I can't do that. But I guess I'll do it today.

I feel numb. How many more things can happen before I just stop reacting? I know how to handle it, I know how to put on a brave face and do what i have to do. The night I called the ambulance was pretty much the first time in my life I experienced true panic. I've never been so NOT calm in my entire life.

Well, off I go now. Your prayers are always welcome. Thank you.

I once played well the role of experiencing true delight,
When it was time to close my eyes in surrender to the night.
But now when light grows dim, no solace lies within this weary mind
Night once was kind.


I hate this. It's a curse! If only I could fall asleep first. Then there would be no more tell tale signs of paranoia, feasting mercilessly on my already deteriorating mind. It was in my past, it lingers in my present, and appears to be waiting for me ominously in my future. If the minutes were but a minute longer, I wouldn't have to be tortured by the silences. If the light would hold out for another moment more, before the closing of the door, everything would be all right. But then comes the night.


Why is this such a plague? A flag to stand up and declare that it's not fair. Don't tell me to sleep well, while in destrutive thoughts I dwell. This is HELL!

I hate today. Quote a distant memory, far away. Now brought back, here to stay.

Just stay awake with me. Open your eyes and tell me lies, I don't care. But this isn't fair. You act surprised? Ha! Let's compromise.

I feel it less than before. Should I feel more? Who knows? Things dwindle down, but then they grow. Hmm...I suppose....

What do I do now?


I sleep. Except I don't. I won't. Not my choice, it's the ever present voice. The voice of what? Of me... of fears through years of tears. AHHH! Be quiet and say something! Open your ears!

There are thoughts in my head, I wish they were dead. Am I boring you? I'm boring me. I'm boring too...that's what's been said.

There's always a fear that when near, I'm worse than far away as some might say. Blah blah blah, and seize the day. Anyway...who's to say you'd do it better? You'd write a letter.

I don't have to make sense as my mind ferments. I don't have to write songs that just prolong the inevitable. Everyone is a little bit crazy, their ambitions lazy. I for one have crossed a giant bridge, teetered endlessly on the rocky ridge, waiting to fall, but floating mysteriously above the nothing. The nothing waits to suck you in. and maybe someday I'll let it again. Ignorance is bliss, you hit or miss...or just miss on purpose. It's tempting no? So...

I think I'll go now. I'm more tired than I'll admit. It feels good to rant awhile, that's my style. I'll be okay tomorrow. Actually...I'll be perfect by this afternoon. So soon? Of course! It's right.

But then comes night....