I'm sick and miserable. I'm miserable and sick! My throat is closing up, and my nose is running, and I have to have customers hold on the phone whilst I blow the crapload of snot out of my nose. It all came on like a tsunami! I didn't see it coming! This morning I sniffed a bit...but I always do! I blew my nose like I always do! It's called allergies! And now I'm miserable. Sick and miserable. Miserable and sick! BAH!

ANYWAY... life is etting back to its mundane cycle of blahness. It's shaken up by the occasional rude customer, or "Caroline Antic". She cracks me up... The things she says! We laugh. it is good.

There have been struggles lately. Struggles worth working on, things worth fighting for. I just wish everything didn't have to be so hard! BAH AGAIN!

There is a Sheltie kidnapper on the loose! Laugh all you want, it's true. Five shelties have disappeared from my neighborhood in the last year. (3 in the last few months...It's on the news!!) We're a prime target! Most of them have disappeared from parks and whatnot... and we're lazy and don't take our dogs places that often. They run around in circles in our square of a backyard and sexually confuse each other. It's true! Or maybe it's just Cody...but he's trying to take Cairo down with him. It's the truth! So...we love our doggies. Don't take them, Sheltie napper! Cody will bite you. Darla will flog you. Winnie will spew her rancid breath in your general direction and knock you out cold. Cairo will love you to death.

One hour to go here at the Lakeshore Players. Tonight are the auditions for "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe." I wanted so badly to be the White Witch and traumatize all the small children! Woe is me... the majority of the performances take place during box office hours, because it's the "Holiday Show" and they do school matinees. BOO! That means I have to do my JOB!! Once more with feeling.... BAH BAH BAH! Heheh...bah bah black sheep...no not really.

Is it wrong to find your younger brother attractive? Not in a "I'm attracted to him" kind of way, but the way that says I can appreciate the fact that he is good looking AND related to me! He looks nothing like me...he just got a haircut, and he looks like a man. That's better than a boy...that's a man. Manly man.

Everything in life right now, feels slippery. Does that make sense? Everytime you think you've got a firm hold on something, you slip a little. You don't necessarily lose it, you just slide around, and you can't stay still, no matter how hard you try. Things keep changing and slipping around on you. Like those water snake toys. Those things drive me crazy! You squeeze them, and they slip away that much easier. Argh. So...don't hold on too tight, or too loose. Find the happy medium! Go with the flow! Enjoy the slip n' slide. Sooner or later you get to the cool splash down pool, right? Only if you're on the Crocodile Mile. Dude, I wanna be a kid again. A kid who was so NOT self conscious, who would slip and slide her life away in a bathing suit...who now wears a tent so she can hide. I love childhood. Boo-hoo. Cry cry.

My throat hurts. Really hurts. I keep gagging because it feels like I'm choking on throat chunks. I don't know what that might be...throat chunks. Sounds gross though! The sides of my throat swell into chunkiness, and then they touch, and my throat thinks it's choking, and it gags. GAG! See? It just happened.

I love you, BJ. Please prove me wrong.

I'm gonna go make me some more honey water. Ouchness. Bye.

-ME!!!!!

This has been a terrible week, and it isn't even over yet. One more day, then back to work. I don't even know what to do anymore.

The funeral was beautiful, and terrible. So many tears. I don't even know how to describe it. Every breath hurt. It was a different kind of pain. I had to keep reminding myself that he was actually gone. There was no casket, only pictures. I had to keep looking at the pictures to remember who I was supposed to be remembering. It couldn't be my Grandpa! He's invincible. He's a rock. People knew him as a brother, as a father, and as a cousin, or a husband. No one spoke about him as a Grandpa. I wanted to stand up there and tell them he did magic. That he amazed me! He was my hero. He always told me I was beautiful, and he was the only person who ever said that that I truly wanted to believe.

I have a lot of memories of my Grandpa, and since I was his grandchild, they were only good memories. I didn't know him as the once upon a time alcoholic... I knew him as GRANDPA! At least that's what we would all scream when he would pull up in his town car.

He used to live close. Then he moved to Arizona. That's why it's hard to believe he's gone. I didn't get to see him more than once a year... but I treasured those times.

He took me home with him once. 3 day road trip. I got to eat refried beans for breakfast in Sedona. He took me in the desert to collect junk. We found a lot. We made a sculpture. I was the only grandchild to do it, but that's because I adored him, and I invited myself. I weaseled my way into the position of importance. Being one of 5 kids, it's hard to feel special to a relative...so I would make THEM feel special, and I became the favorite. The forced favorite, but the favorite nonetheless.

I was also a big fan of "Grandma Isabelle" Grandpa's third wife. No one compares to my Grammy, but Isabelle takes the place of my crappy Grandma on the other side. (Killmers) She was with Grandpa through his last breath. I hate cancer.

When I saw Isabelle at the funeral, she teared up and wrapped her arms around me. "There she is. There's my girl. I've been waiting for this...my dear sweet Corrie. I love you so much. Your Grandpa loved you so much. It is so good to see your beautiful face." I wept, reminding her that she was still my Grandma, and she held me closer. She cried, sobbing that she had loved him so much... we all did.

I still can't believe it happened. There was something I was depending on to get me through this week, and it seems that may be slipping through the cracks. I guess I wouldn't know.

I'm out of ideas, but hey... I'm a creative person. I'll just have to start over. I'll get over it. The pain will subside eventually. GOOD ATTITUDE! Yes.

I drew a blue dot on Cody's nose. I'm not sure why...I'm not sure why he LET me do it. Now he looks like he has a bruise, after running around in the rain.

I'm watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy. I'm learning a lot from Meredith's relationships. She has a lot of good things to say in her opening and closing narrations. Sounds like I could have written them myself.

So...I guess that's all for now. Have a memory or a thought about my grandpa? Leave it here:

http://www.legacy.com/Link.asp?ID=GB19227314


That's all for now. I feel like I broke something inside... I need glue. The chocolate kind?

-Me

You are Mahogany

Stable and decisive, you lack the hyper energy of most orange colors. You're still energetic, but you tend to project a peaceful, relaxed vibe. You love to feel cozy. You often rather wrap up in a blanket than go out for the night.

What Color Orange Are You?

I'm killing myself. Not intentionally. But it's happening. THe working all the time seems to help distract me at times from the things I don't want to face, but sooner or later you have to face them all.

I've found a few other distractions. Some I'm not as proud of as others. I wish I were writing more like I promised Grandpa I would. I screw up a lot. Really a lot. I don't have anything to write about. I'm ashamed of my recent mistakes. I let a situation change me, and I don't know how to get back to where I started. I know the blame belongs to me as well, because I let the lies present themselves as truth. That was all me. I just wanted so badly to feel different. Get the numbness out. Feel things.

Now I just want to be numb again. I've gone through the majority of my life missing people. Perhaps that's why it seemed so natural to pursue a relationship with BJ. Maybe because I knew if he was around me all the time, every day...he would realize that much sooner that he didn't want me.

Of course that's most likely a delusion. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. My thoughts are extensive. They eat me alive. They take away reality. I'm filled to the brim with "what ifs". How do you banish those ideas? By pursuing reality. Well... here's my reality.

I work from 3:45 am to 6pm. I know there are thousands of people who work more than that. Doctors rarely even go home! I learned that from SCRUBS and Grey's Anatomy. Yup. I'm television educated. I know how to solve crimes, treat patients, and cheat on people. GOOD things to know. Riiiiiiiigggggggghhhhhhhht. So anyway, back to reality.

I work a lot. So does everyone. Check. Got it. The only people I see day to day are co-workers. Co-workers who all seem to be best friends. Amber says that that's because I don't push hard enough, that it takes two to tango. I told her she was right...and I'm still looking for my dance partner. I get invited to things I plan! Because I invite myself. I'm a lonely, miserable person. I'm a pathetic human being. I get so angry sometimes. Mainly at myself. But I don't want to reduce myself to the "Can I come?" pushing on in. Come on! You know you want me! No... no. I know I want THEM.

So when I'm not working, I'm sleeping. Which presents the reasons why I hadn't eaten anything in three days. I completely forgot! Don't worry. I'm still a chub chub. Even if I had deliberately stopped eating, I would still gain weight.

I complain a lot on here, I do. But who else do I complain to? You got to get it out somehow. Critique all you want. Think bad things about me. I'll never know, and you'll never tell me! All's well in the world.

So the long and short of my reality. I don't exist. Not to me, not to others. I'm just...there. I tell funny jokes and sing pretty songs. I'm the voice that interrupts your conversations. It's not always welcome, but always amusing. I talk to BJ for a bit before bed. He's my best friend. We say we're more than that. I want to be everything to him. He says I am. I wish I was.

I want to be in love. I want to feel it all. It's been determined...by myself...that I suck at long distance relationships, and yet I have no other options. What does that mean? That I choose to be miserable? I guess it does. Years and years ahead of me. I made the move, the move didn't work. I'm reminded of a song! Neither me or anyone i know is Madeleine, and yet..."Whoa, oh Madeleine! Here we go round' again! You know it, I know it, don't try to pretend! You know it could be so much better than it's been. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh here we go round' again!" I hope it's better..."This time around!" BWa-ha-ha. Thank you Hanson. I adore you.

BJ makes me happy. He's the beginning and the end of my thoughts each day. But we've got a mountain to climb. I'm just afraid I'm not strong enough. I'll fall down and get smashed on the bottom, and he'll go on without me. I'll still be tied to him...for safety reasons of course, so he'll drag me up to the top behind him...eventually. Our eventually is years away. It used to be closer...but now that he's got all that dead weight attached to him, it's gonna take longer. Life was carefree...a quick jaunt up a mountain side! Now it's a mission. Have to finish school, have to get a job, have to be financially secure...all for the better of the carcass hanging at the end of his rope. BAH! Maybe I'm ruining him. I just want it to be my turn to be taken care of. Maybe that's selfish. It probably is.

So I've rambled enough today. Yesterday I went to the Renaissance Festival. I introduced my mom to Captain Jack Sparrow. I was in costume. Apparently I was beautiful. I got looks from men. I guess the costume gave me courage to keep my eyes off the ground. Apparently I have beautiful eyes. My name was Ophelia yesterday. It was glorious. A young girl tugged on my skirt and told me I was very pretty. I had a good day. Not night. I had a bad night. I have to forgive.

So that's all for now.

Over. Me

My Grandpa died today.

The bestest canine friend there ever were...

Well well well. Where to begin? Nothing major has happened really. I work all the time. Since BJ's visit in August, I have been working 7 days a week. Maybe the distraction helps.

I've decided to take weekends off. I think it's a brilliant idea. I desperately need it. BJ and I are both very busy now. Our conversations are minimal at best. We're trying though.

Originally we had planned to see each other next over Christmas. That's seeming less and less possible as each day passes. I don't think I can pinpoint now why exactly. Sometimes it all just seems too hard. But then I look at my life, and I see that every part of it has been difficult. Why stop now?

There have been some good times recently. Nice distractions. Two trips to the state fair! Woot woot! The first time was with my parents, Sunnie, and Paul. Sunnie and my mother are the of inappropriate comments. "Blond" moments if you will. Like when we walked into the bazarre and Sunnie shouted out "Mom! I smell your nuts!" while referring to my mother's favorite cinnamon roasted almonds. Or when Sunnie commented on the large "anatomy" of some horses..."Here it comes again!" The public is never safe.

The second trip was just Kelly and I. That one was not without its laughs either. That trip was my treat, and we really enjoyed ourselves. We hit all the musts. Next year, I HAVE to stick to it and audition for the talent show. I know I'll at least QUALIFY for the finals...and that right there is $100 in my pocket. Judging from who qualified on Saturday, I'll do just fine.

Aside from the fair, there aren't too many other highlights. Lakeshore is taking up a lot more of my time. I kind of AM the weekday Box Office now. Kirsten quit. Can't say that I blame her, but now I'm pretty much in charge. Even though it's rather terrifying, I am good at it. Joan keeps telling me how wonderful I am. I don't mind.

I'm tired all the time. I'm sick a lot too. I'm an outsider at Caribou now, and all by myself at Lakeshore. I'm "too busy" for invitations, at least that's the impression I unknowingly passed on to my co-workers. I'd tell you how much that royally sucks, but it still makes me sad. They whisper plans around me like I'm an idiot, and all the while I just...stew. That's okay. Work "friendships" are all temporary anyway. The only think you have in common is work, and when you try to keep friendships after leaving a given job, it never works. I've seen it happen again and again and again.

Maybe I'm just becoming bitter. People don't want me, and now I don't want them. I've unintentionally developed the attitude that some are just out to get me. Kelly and Kris are nice and thick again, and I won't lie...I it. Just a few months ago it seems...Kelly absolutely despised him. I stood by and was endlessly accused for not defending her enough to that unimaginable monster...and now he complains TO Kelly about my relationship with BJ, and that's A-O-K with her. She's just like SUnnie when it comes to Kris. No matter what her friend has said or done to me, it doesn't matter if they still want to be her friend. She loves having Kris back, and deny it all she wants, I know she likes the fact that he can't stand me. Every sibling enjoys having someone they don't have to share with their family. I could care less. (I'm a liar, of course. At least I have to live up to my lying reputation...which Kelly's best friend is the AMAZING author of. He's the best writer ever! Word. He should switch from reporting to pure fiction...that's where his talent truly lies.)

So that's my rant. I know I'm just bitter, right? Jealous? Call it what you will. Everyone stays close with each other, and I am rolling around in their dust...covering up my hurt with all the dirt they leave behind. What you can't see can't hurt you! So go ahead and glance. I'm just fine. Don't look too hard though. You might see the truth and feel a little bad. So sad.

Anyway... I wonder what I would change if I could do it all over again. I can probably list about a hundred things. But I've gotten so many lectures about the Butterfly Effect whenever I mention that question just out of curiosity. What would YOU do different? Would you keep me around? Would that make a difference? If I didn't exist...how many people's lives would be drastically different? Would Nikki and Lurae be the same people without that "party"? They weren't the same people they were before that happened...I wonder what they would be like now? Stupid scenarios, really. I wonder, I wonder. Who would be different? Everyone wants to make a difference in the world. Maybe not in the ENTIRE world...but someone's world. I wonder whose worlds I've made a difference in. Questions that were never meant to be answered.

ANYWAY. It looks to me like I've gone through a little writing withdrawal. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe not. Who has time for it anyway? Not me!

Bye then. Later tater.

So BJ has come and gone. Perfect timing, really...not. The day he leaves I get the worst cold ever, AND sugar week. Can I die now? Life is so unfair sometimes.

So... we had a terrific week. All my planning really paid off. And so did my wallet. Which is now empty! But it was worth it. I loved every minute of it... a lot of it felt like a dream, and now the dream is over. Time to wake up.

The short version of the week? He got here Saturday, we went to Lurae's wedding (A lot of it was miserable...not gonna lie)then we went to the drive-in.

Sunday we slept in, cleaned the house, and prepared for my "party". Pretty ood amount of peeps, and they loved my Tacos. I saw the previous Laura Meverden, now Anderson, and her baby boy Noah. I was very excited. Kirsten came, and the best part of all...my cousins came. ALL of them! Well, from that one family anyway. I was so happy. I worked hard on that day, and it all paid off.

Monday we hit TMOA, then left on our camping trip with dad...first to Jay Cooke again, and then Split Rock the following day. Ending our trip on Wednesday in Grand Marais. We attempted to visit the grandparents, but they were not home. Oh darn. That night we hung out with Nikki, then watched "Get Over It", one of my all time favorites.

Thursday we laid around lazy for awhile. We watched Les Miserables and then got ready to pick Kelly up. Why? So we could go out to eat at Applebees. No, no...AFTER THAT. Oh? Well...oh yes. We drove to the Ordway to see RENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited I had tears in my eyes. It was incredible. That's all I have to say about that.

Friday we slept in a bit, and then went out to eat at...Applebees. We didn't tell her we had been there the night before. She was excited! She treated us, and then she treated us to a movie. "World Trade Center". We all kinda cried... After that, we drove around looking for my missing medication that I had bought that morning. It is gone...BJ offered to replace it for me. My love, I love you. Then we went to Cup N' Cone... and then picked Kelly up from work, and drove around to different video stores, trying in vain to locate a copy of "2gether"... it doesn't exist anymore!

Saturday we did a bunch of nothing, then went to the library, and to Kelly's apartment and watched a bit of RENT. Then it was off to a KFC BUFFET! But that was only because it was the only thing we found anywhere near VALLEY FAIR! Which was really fun. We stayed til close and then went to the Maplewood Taco Bell.

Sunday I was sick. But we went to church, then came home and packed, ate some pizza, some brownies, and then...airport. I've been miserable ever since.

I desperately miss him. The lonliness seems suffocating at times. It's heavy. My shoulders hurt from the weight. It's all pushing down... I know it will get lighter... but right now it's just all I can do to stay on my feet. This doesn't feel right. This isn't how it's supposed to be...is it? I don't understand. I can't understand.

So now it's back to phone calls. Phone calls that last ten minutes about two or three times a day. Sometimes I get lucky at night time...but there's a possibility that I'm an opener again at Caribou...which means no more night time... I know I nag him a lot. He says call you after dinner...and dinner means eat in like ten minutes, and then talk and hang out for a couple hours while they watch TV...and I wait. He's back to being theirs now, I'm back on the back burner. I know that's not his fault, that's just how it's going to be until he doesn't live at home anymore. But I don't think that will ever happen. Unless he joins the military...and I don't think I could survive that either.

BJ starts school soon. Then we'll never talk. I'm terrified. I'm really scared. What do we do now? What do I do? Any suggestions? Please God, don't let me disappear.

So that's that. Bye for now. It was a great week. Anyone know where God hid the remote? I wanna hit the rewind button.

BJ is here day after tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OKay, so I'm excited. That, and I'm writing this at Lakeshore, where they are currently building the set for Cheaper By The Dozen, and there are a lot of random fumes roaming around. They were also painting in the basement, so...yay. ANYWAY! Life is good. Jobs are good. Caribou is kinda sucky...new manager now. I loved Michael. I am sad. BUT... I don't work there again until AFTER BJ leaves. So... it's not on my mind.

GUESS WHAT?!?!?! I have a drama program again! I wrote to Pastor Steve, asking about whether or not there was still a program, and he told me they have nothing without me. So I'm BACK! WOOT WOOT!

I guess that's all for now. Kirsten and I were burning up in here earlier, so we turned the air up..er...down. Whatever. Anyway...it's cold now, and my fingers are numb...it is difficult to type.

If any of you readers out there would like to joine BJ and I and my (our) family and some random friends on Sunday August 6th... show up at my house by three and you will not be turned away. We're gonna play Apples to Apples! Color me excited!

BYE!

I love you BJ....!!!

I'm a pathetic person. I'm incapable of maintaining long term friendships. I think I'm a breeze. Af eel good friend. The comedienne needed for an uplift before one finds ones true self. Anyway.

I'm also scared. Ever since Louisa told me I'm just a background friend, I've tried to be anything but. I've tried to be substantial. The one! Important. I guess I failed.

I can't tell you how gut wrenching it is sometimes. Lurae has basically had three real, true best friends in her entire life. Me, Nikki, and Alex. I'm the only one out of the three completely left out of the biggest day of her life. I've been replaced over and over again in so many lievs. Why do I never stick?

I'm also jealous. I see the invitations for Lurae's Bridal shower, and bachelorette party. Not only am I jealous because she's getting married, but... no one has ever thrown any sort of party for me...even when they actually said they were going to. *sniff* They never came to my birthday party *sniff*

I'm really good at fake friendships. They're all over the place. That's part of what scares me. There's not much deep meaningful information passed between co-workers over the making of a latte. YOu don't really get to know anyone at work.

I'm scared that I have no "real" in my life. I'm afraid my wedding party one day will consist of mandatory sibling appearances. I'm scared there will be no one on the bride's side, because every relationship I've ever had has been completely surface.

I don't want to believe that, but that's how it feels sometimes. I'm dependable though, that's for sure. I was told by Nikki that she spends more time wqith everyone else, ebcause she knows that I'll always be there no matter what, and they probably won't be.

As crappy as that is, she's probably right. I'm never the one to walk away, I'm always the one watching while others do. That...sucks. It's okay though, they knw where to find me. And they do...when all their real best friends kick em' when they're down. They turn to Corrie the clown! Sorry, no jokes today. I don't wanna play.

Do you know how much it sucks when all of your friends tell you you're no longer part of their group? Gosh dang...why has that happened to me TWICE with two different groups of friends? Just a background friend, blah blah blah.

When there is a gathering, I'm the last one they think of... oh, wait...not last...never. It just never happens.

I'm not a part of Lurae's big day, but I did manage to merit an invitation. Nikki thinks that alone should make me happy. I always thought I would be more than that though. Not a wedding guest, a wedding must. A part of it. Push it in more. The initial stab wound didn't kill me. Harder now, please. I want to be numb.

Ignore the drama, it's just my flare. I don't care. I'm just sad. It's sad to realize you don't mean a fraction of what people mean to you. You're a blip. They already passed over you. For awhile they thought you were a UFO...new and exciting! What's that?!?!?! Oh...just you. Dang. We thought we had made a discovery. Oh well. Continue on your own. We don't need you to be happy anymore. Blip on by, blimpie.

I know, I know. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Why am I a breeze? I don't want to blow on through, I want to hang on. Hang onto you. But...I guess the whole prying my fingers off should have been a clue. I get it now. I'm through.

I want to be important. I've spent so many years fighting for these people, begging them to be a part of my life. They're all worth it though, that's the hard part. But now I'm tired. I want to be fought for.

I want one real, true friend. Someone I can count on. I know they already count on me, but I want to count on them too. Is that too much to ask? A real friend, please.

They're all so fleeting. Zubi, Stina, Sarah, Jessie, Ariel, Lisa, Emily, Melanie, "THEATER" Nikki, Lurae... I miss you all. I didn't leave though. You did. I'm still here! Good luck with life!

Jessi Campbell always makes me feel important. I love her. She's moving to Australia. That sucks. I'm lonely. She's too beautiful to be my friend, anyway.

Well, I have BJ! He's my everything. Sometimes I feel bad for him, because I have no one else to talk to. He has to hear it all. Most of the time he knows all the right things to say.

I miss you too. I miss you three. I miss you all!

When I fall, fall... will you catch me, catch me, catch me?

OVER AND OUT!

ME

Your Pirate Name Is...

Evil Ivy the Infected

What's Your Pirate Name?

Today is Sunday. Pretty much my very last day off, until BJ gets here. I guess that's a good thing... anyway. Yesterday was fun.

I worked at Caribou from 7-1, and then went home. My mom and I wanted to spend some time together, and I decided that I wanted to show her the new Festival Foods. Awhile back, Amber had given me a call asking me if I was interested in working there. (Dunn Bros) She wanted me to come in and apply. It sounded pretty promising. So... I drove over there and applied. Her boss made it sound almost for sure. Telling me I would start at 9/hr as a shift lead, and the job would probably start in about three weeks. WELL...

I never heard from anyone there. But we went, nonetheless. We each picked out some deli salads to eat, and then we went into Dunn Bros. There was a guy at the register. I think his name was Adam. So begins the WORST service I have ever gotten at any Dunn Bros...ever. While i was standing in front of him, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence, he was shouting goodbye to a co-worker leaving through the door behind me. Back and forth, so on and so on. HELLO! CUSTOMER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! He was working with two other girls. One girl was brunette with her big hair hanging down...everywhere. Around FOOD and BEVERAGES?!?!?!?! That is so wrong. Gross.

We asked if we could pay for our deli salads there. Adam said "Um...no..."whiney voice" we can't do that here." My mom was surprised, because of how Vadnais works. He said something about how their system was more sophisticated. My mom kind of scoffed, saying how can it be more sophisticated if it creates more problems for the customers? He just shrugged and I was like 'Yeah...well we can't do that. YOu have to pay in the store. But yeah, people complain.' and I was like... um...duh.

So, I paid for the stuff we were actually getting IN the coffee shop. I ordered my mom an iced white mocha with less espresso. BOY did THAT confuse them. They stared at me for like... five minutes, asking each other what I could have possibly meant by that. During the ten minutes it took for that one drink to be made, (with no other customers present in house, or drive-thru) after they finally figured it out, my mom asked if they were hiring. Adam told us no, and that they still had a lot of applicants. My mom said "Really? My daughter here was asked to apply." And I said "Mom, that's because Amber wanted me to for a certain position." and mom was like "Oh, that's surprising." And Adam was like "If you don't believe me, I'll show you the stack. A lot of people want to work here." I was so put off. And he did a sarcastic laugh in between every sentence, like ...oh, we're SO much better than you.

So, my mom went off to pay for the deli salads we wanted to have with the coffee all out in the grocery store. After mom was gone, Adam spoke up again. "Yeah, Amber mentioned wanting one of her friends to work here." and I was like "That would be me." and he goes "Yeah...for shift lead, right?" and i was like..."uh-huh." And then comes the sarcastic laugh, followed by a "Well, that's too bad for you, because I got the job." *laugh, laugh, laugh* "Not to make you FEEL bad or anything." *smirk* I wanted to scream at him. If you got the job, would it be okay for me to tell you you suck at it? YOu didn't even know HOW to make the drink I ordered! So, I looked up and smirked back at his cross armed self, and was like "Can I have my salad dressing please?" He looked disappointed, like he wanted me to be crushed, and I wasn't. "Yeah, okay." And he scampered off into the deli to retrieve it. Then he came back, presenting it triumphantly like 'I am SOOO good." and then I smirked back again "Can I have a fork, please?" And there was that stunned 'oh crap' look I love and cherish so much, and instead of grabbing me the forks I saw right behind him, he took off into the deli again. He came back with a fork and was like "We've been like...really busy today." Yeah, I could tell. YOu stood around doing nothing when I got there, and you stood around doing nothing LONG after we left the counter... even if you had a "rush"... you weren't out of anything, you were just lazy.

I was so put off by the entire experience. The service sucked, he treated me terribly because I had applied there, and I was upset that neither Amber or her boss contacted me in any way after ASKING ME TO APPLY! Amber really should have told me. Instead, I felt humiliated. So they filled the job. My opinion? They did a bad job. He was rude and incompetent. Why did this happen? Oh, because. But thank God I got a preview now of how much I would have hated it there. Applicant or not, I was a customer...and I wouldn't have been able to stand working with any of the people I met yesterday.

So anyway! After that, mom and I went to Super Target. I bought some dust masks and an air conditioning charger for my car. WEE! I'm excited. I needed the dust masks so I could clean out the basement with Harvey down there. I'm really allergic to him, so I was hoping that would help. It did!

So I went home and worked my butt off cleaning out the basement. It's a beautiful theater again! Complete with revamped concession stand, and two life size carboard cutouts. Of who? Why... Captain Jack and Will Turner, of course! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

After that, Holly and Taylor from the Bou came over and watched a movie. We watched "American Outlaws". I didn't make it through the whole cleaning/viewing experience allergy free. My breathing and eyes were affected, just not as bad. My neck itched like usual, and my nose was running. It was my eyes that were terrible. Even after I went to bed they were oozing. I kept waking up to find balls of crap clinging to my eyes. Crusty gross. I was down there way too long. Harvey needs a new home.

So, that's that for now, I guess. Happy Sunday! Oh, it better be.

Today is BJ's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE! I love you soooo much. You are my heart!

He happened to get my birthday package directly on today, which was good. He loved his presents. And I love him! Oh, happy day! At least I hope it was.

2nd week at Lakeshore, and all is good. Slightly less intimidating. I LOVE the girl I work with every day, Kirsten. She is so sweet, and we love all the same things. It's absolutely grand! (She loves Pirates and Gilmore Girls... we becamse fast friends.)

Caribou right now? It's just of...annoying. Like a distraction. I love the people I work with, but... the job in itself just seems to drag on, and on, and on...and I feel like I'm being cheated out of a lot of money. I probably am. Caribou corporate is evil. EVIL! Everyone knows it. Even my boss.

Cairo is huge. He like to bite things. Body appendages not excluded. It's all in play! But...ouch? We all love Cairo so.

Well... I really don't have much to say. The time in which BJ is coming is approaching! I am literally counting the days. The hours! The minutes... I can't wait to be with him again.

That's all for now! BYE!

Well, tomorrow will be my third day at Lakeshore Players. I'm pretty excited about it. It's kind of intimidating, but what job isn't at the beginning? You're always terrified of the day when training is officially over, and you're supposed to know what to do... all the time. You get left alone pretty much you're entire shift when you're in the box office, because Joan, boss lady, pretty much stays upstairs in her office. BUT... she has been writing a grant since I started working there, so she's had her hands full.

Caribou is good, except there are too many complainers. That's annoying. Everyone thinks they're more deserving than someone else, and it's just this long, boring...AHHHHH cycle. Grow up!

In other news, Pirates opened on Friday. I saw it with Jessi, and then saw it later the next night with my family in the UltraScreen at Marcus. Kelly, Jamie and I went early to be able to get seats. We got tickets almost 6 hours in advance. (EVERY show sells out EVERYWHERE. Beat THAT Superman!) While we were waiting, my brother decided to engage me in a terrifying game of the crazy rabid mongoose high-five slapping game. He made it up on the spot. He ended up injuring me so badly, I fell on the ground. Welts and bruises immediately appeared on my arm. My skin BUBBLED...what causes that? He hit me soooo hard. It looked like I had burn marks. It was crazy. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry, so I did both. Kelly rushed to the concession stand, asking for a plastic bag with ice, claiming "My brother hit my sister, and she got hurt..." It was hilarious!

So that's all for now. I'm waiting for BJ to call. I was expecting his call about an hour ago. He's just...too busy sometimes. Everyone loves him, and the long distance girlfriend doesn't exactly win that contest. I guess I'm on the back burner for now. Oh, well. It's the best things on the stove that have to just sit and simmer. More flavor, ya know? That's me! Chicken a-la-queen. Er...soemthing like that. Cream sauce. I dunno...

3:45 workin tomorrow morning. Stop distracting me! To bed I go!

Yay! I done got the job! I start tomorrow. I'm excited. The first show they're doing is the summer youth project, basically about how teens came together after 9/11. I get tickets to every show...pretty sure, so I'm excited! (The next show after that is Cheaper by the Dozen) Also, Lakeshore rents out the auditorium... so mayhaps some Plan See performances make take place on this very stage:



I am really happy about it. When I was there for my second interview, they showed me some of the process, and I was confused as heck. But I know I'll figure it out. I hope. I'll be in a theater again! I've gone through a little withdrawal. It might seem like small potatoes to some people, but I'm kinda proud of me. They're never hiring there. I don't care what stage I'm around, as long as I'm around a stage!

I am really tired for some reason right now. I just don't feel right. I feel...weird. Like I'm floating. I tried carrying on a conversation with BJ earlier, and all of my words were coming out in the wrong order.

IN other news. Treasure Hunters is pretty good. That's not news, I know. It's entertaining. BJ's brother Jake was saying that he wanted to do it next season. I think he would be awesome! I told BJ he should do it with him, win some money, honey! They'd be excellent. They would need a third though. I suggested BJ's brother-in-law, Jason. *shrugs* I dunno. It would be pretty cool though!

Sunnie and Paul are currently blowing really loud raspberries on each other's stomachs. It's really annoying... they are so weird. Heh heh heh.

Well, I guess that's all for now. BYE!

For BJ, I love you with all my heart. You are my one and only. NAF.


"MY ANGEL"
He says I am his angel.
I know that can't be true.
I must admit, the way I feel, Is all so very new.
He says the Lord has blessed him,
By showing him the way.
The way to start a brand new life,
By loving me each day.
He says I make him smile
But sometimes I wonder why,
If I'm the one who's heaven sent,
Why won't this feeling die?
For I am not the angel,
That I hoped I once could be.
I fear he's got the story wrong, it simply isn't me.
For darling, you're MY angel,
My gift from God above.
You've given me the chance to prove,
That I know how to love

- Corrie Killmer

Your Body Image is 88% Unhealthy, 12% Healthy

You don't feel good about the way you look... pretty much ever. And it's impacting your life so much that you need to seek help.

How's Your Body Image?

Huh. Unfortunately, I was completely honest. I used to think I had no idea why I always felt the way I felt. That's not really true. I'm constantly reminded.

Aside from being made fun of, growing up... all of my insecurities stemmed from my mother. It's STILL going on today. Just a few moments ago, Sunnie came into my room to tell me she had brought home some puppy chow that she made for the Stauff's 4th of July party. I was excited! Sunnie makes the best puppy chow. (It's CHEX cereal, coated in chocolate and peaunut butter, covered in powdered sugar.) She told me to go get some before it was gone. I went right down stairs, did some chores, and then grabbed a little handful of the puppy chow. Then my mom set in.

"Stop eating bad! Just stop!" I was like...huh? "Mom, I don't eat bad..." I attempted to say, but she disagreed. She said it was her responsibility to tell me when I was damaging myself. She was saying I am extremely unhealthy... is she supposed to be the role model for all that's healthy? HAH! So I said "Why do you say these things? YOu just make me feel bad about myself." And then she said "If you have to feel bad about yourself in order for you to stop being so unhealthy, then so be it."

I walked away, and then turned back to say one more thing. "Mom, I had a handful of puppy chow. I hardly think I'm on my way to a weight forced wheelchair. Leave me and my body alone." THen she replied:

"I didn't say anything about your body, but if you want to talk about THAT... well then. I have plenty to say." and I just... gosh. I said that was mean, and she said it wasn't, and that she said nothing wrong, and I always insit on turning her words into something negative. How is the above supposed to be taken, I wonder?

She's always been cruel about my weight. One thing about our house that's absolutely crazy...if it's edible, it's off limits. Every type of food we own is my mother's property. If you consume something without her consent, you have to hide the evidence. Sometimes I think I could be in the clear by eating something good, like baby carrots. Wrong. Those were for a stir fry, how dare I? I eat too many oranges, and I'm a greedy pig. And of course, if you touch any of the junk food? You're done for. That's all my mom's... and she eats it all, too! If there's ice cream in the freezer, and you touch it... oh... you are so dead. But... she only eats healthy things, and I'm going to die of severe obesity.

People think I'm kidding about that. When I was in Alabama, staying with BJ and his family... I didn't touch any of their food. I would pretty much only eat dinner, when it was handed to me on a plate. That's how it is here, so I guess that's just the way I've been conditioned. Then I realized I was abnormal when Debra would ask what I had eaten for lunch. I started feeling guilty for NOT eating... so I would say I wasn't hungry, claiming to have an upset stomach or something. The fear was just too great to consume something that might be someone else's property.

There were so many times BJ would grab something off of their counter, or a cupboard and eat it. A chocolate bar, a doughnut, a cupcake. I was appaled! He would laugh at me when I would say "That's not yours!" And he'd look at me like I was crazy. Then he would say "It is now." I would have been in serious trouble for doing something like that!

Yesterday, my mom bought ice cream sandwiches. She gave me a speech while I was doing the dishes. "Absolutely no one has any type of dessert in this house without my permission. I buy things for myself, and I never get any of it. If you want to eat something, you can buy it yourself." But if we do that? Mom gets angry, saying how dare we buy something for ourselves with no intent to share it with her?

So, she picks on me, on my body... always has. The jelly bean. Need I say more? Probably... to those of you who have no idea what I am talking about. Every day, I get out of the shower... and without even realizing it, I say this exact same thing to my reflection, and then move on. "You're disgusting." And I believe it. I can't stand the sight of my body. I'm ashamed of it.

So the blog quiz says I need help. That's interesting. I lost a lot of weight for evil once. At least that's what I call him. Now I have love, which is BJ. Why can't I do it for him? I go back and forth, back and forth. Lose a pound, gain two. I don't understand it... because I don't get to eat at home... but when I do eat, I'm so hungry that I overdo it. Skipping meals all the time ruins my metabolism... I know. It's so hard to erase all those years of conditioning. Especially since I'm still living with my mother.

Kelly lost 100 pounds when she was in Connecticut. She moves back to Minnesota, and gets a lot of it back. Why? My mother has a way of doing that to you. It's never good enough for mom. "Kelly, you don't want to slip. YOu don't want to stumble..." For years, I told mom to just let us be... let us be ourselves and we just might amaze her... instead of breathing down our necks every single day about what we're doing wrong. Kelly moved away, and look what happened? Good things. She comes back? Not so good things. Thanks, mommy.

Anyway... I know I have an extremely unhealthy attitude about myself... but it's really hard to conquer and control. I'm working on it.

My mom's food bans work a lot like the legal drinking ago. Kids in other countries have had alcohol around their entire lives. When they hit 21, they could care less. They're not becoming raging alcoholics just because they couldn't before. My mom has hid food from us our entire lives. No wonder we have weight issues. I go to someone else's house, and they offer me a cupcake... I'm gonna eat the cupcake. Not because I want it, but because I can never have it. SABOTAGE! Is that her plan? "Kelly, Corrie... you would be so beautiful if you were thin."

Well, enough of that for now. I'm gonna go hide from the mirror.

Happy Independence Day! Woot woot! Yeah...

My family hasn't gone to go see fireworks for years. So... I work tonight, and guess what they decide to do? Ergh. Oh, well. I get to be at CARIBOU! Where else would I want to be?? Bwa-ha-ha.

Pirates is coming out Friday.

I am going to go now. Sunnie brought treats.

Was that the most pointless entry ever? Possible...

I LOVE YOU BJ!

Happy Sunday! Or at least it will be. I woke up after a night of disturbing nightmares. I let the dogs out, ate some shredded wheat, and then watched Lethal Weapon 2 with my mom. Now it's housework time. Dad's working today, which is good...because he's not exactly speaking to me. That's always fun. That's always been one of his downfalls. He'll turn his back on a family member no questions asked, if someone else claims they did something bad. My mom would make him do that to me, and now Kelly. Spectacular! Who needs them? I do...

So we're supposed to have pork chops today. Kelly moved into her apartment and stayed there last night. I hope she enjoys it. She'll probably be here today. There will be some hostility thrown around, and I'll end up in my room...yay. Outcast ruins the day. It's not a negative attitude, I promise. Just a realistic one.

I wish BJ lived here, so I could be mroe like Sunnie. Sunnie is NEVER here. I hardly ever see her. She's like a ghost. She's always doing something with Paul. If BJ lived here, I'd probably always be doing something with him...when I'm not working.

When did I become the family loser? I did amazing things. Sunnie goes to school, and I help her with her homework... I could do college without college. Kelly goes and drops out, goes and drops out. She gets an apartment with no application process. My brother used to get straight D's and F's...he gets a B and gets a reward. I am the only child who got continuous straight A's throughout high school, so I never got rewarded. I would get in trouble if I dropped to a B... but never got rewarded.

What motivation did I have to continue? I guess that's my own fault. Right out of highschool, I went straight back to be the theater director. That's SPECTACULAR. I become the drama director at a church ALL BY MYSELF! I do things people wish they could do, but I don't have the oohs and ahhs of a stellar paycheck. Oh, Corrie. You're such a failure.

I leave this place, and have to come crawling back. That's why I'm my own personal failure, but what's their reason? My mom says I'm wasting my brain. How does she know? She doesn't know anything about what I do with it.

My dream is simple. Perhaps laughable to some, but it's always been the same. Since I was five years old... I would follow my mom around, immitating her housework. I had my own mini broom, my own mini mop. I wanted to be just like my mom. She took good care of us, she made the house sparkle. I became a neat freak at a very early age. I would watch my mom cook, and ask to help. I was the first child who learned how to make her enchiladas. I wanted to be just like my mom.

Granted, as I grew and my mom changed, I didn't really want to be like her at all. I want to be just like how my mom used to be.

I want to be a housewife. I don't have huge career ambitions. I don't want to be the woman executive on top of it all. I don't want to be an interior designer. I don't want to be in social work. I'm not my sisters. I want to have a husband, a home, and a family...and I want to take care of those three things, every day for the rest of my life.

Here comes the laughable part. IN my spare time, I'm going to write either one awesome novel, or a series of young adult fiction that will skyrocket into the public eye, and be turned into a series of highly successful motion pictures.

Laugh all you want, I'm a good writer. Not the descriptive genius that Kelly is. I make people laugh. And my plots are good. Not many people have gotten the chance to read any of it. I guess that's okay with me. It's hard being a writer's friend, I would imagine. They always want you to read their latest project. Oh, well. It took BJ months of me poking and prodding him to get him to read Channel 13. Maybe I'm NOT a good writer. Hmmm...

Anyway. Off to the library I go, I guess. I have a movie to return. I love the library. It's so quiet. No one can fight with me there.