Last night was bad. It really really was. Here's why. Nikki and I were at her house, on her computer. I signed on AIM, not expecting to soon be involved in a big, very not fun conversation. I was talking to Tim, and at first it was all light hearted and fun. Then he mentioned that he was reading the journal entry I had just posted. I immediately got a bad feeling. I had written how I felt about him in French, knowing that I would keep it to myself that way for the most part. He asked me what it meant. I asked him why he wanted to know, because it wouldn't matter. He asked me why wouldn't it matter? And I asked him why would it matter...he said I had to answer first. So I did. I told him that no matter how I felt about him, it would be a one way thing. Then...he agreed with me.

"It is true that I do not recipricate the same feelings for you that you do for me, but I feel that you are kinda mad that I don't have those feelings for you." --- Tim Beier.

Well, I was kinda upset by the fact that he would think I'd be mad at him for not liking me that way. That's just silly. But then I made the huge mistake of asking him why. He said he wouldn't lie, but didn't want me to be mad at him. I refused to say I wouldn't be mad. What he ended up telling me, his reasons...were exactly what I was afraid of. He told me that I was not physically attractive to him. Okay...but the other part of his reasonings were even worse. This was after he had told me that I could trust him, he wanted to help me, blah blah BLAH. I would have never told him anything had I known...he said he wouldn't disappear, that me telling him that I'm not perfectly happy 24-7 would not make him not want to be around me. Well his other reason for not wanting to be with me? He said it was because of all the things I've had to go through, he wouldn't want to be around them, and he wouldn't want them to become his problems.

I never asked them to become his problems! And he said he wanted to help, that I could trust him. I will never ever trust him like that. Never. I just feel like I was lied to, a lot... his reasons are superficial, and there are things I know he's afraid to say. He did say a lot of things though.... like I don't have to be physically attractive to be his friend...well, whoopie! Good to know!

I was really upset, mostly with myself. I don't know why I ever told him anything. I've been asking myself that all night. Did I think he would rescue me or something? Yeah right! He also said that he wanted to help me, but I don't want to help myself. That cut me...it really did. That was when I realized he didn't know anything, because he never really listened to anything I said. I won't even go into how wrong he was with that statement.

I walked away from that conversation hurt and upset. I knew what would happen in the end, but I always hoped for different. I called Kelly at her boss's house from Nikki's room. Oh, thank God Nikki was there! Oh, I would have died without her. She had been through a similar situation... I really don't know what I would have done. Anyway, she drove me to Kelly's boss's house so I wouldn't have to go home to my mom and her endless disappointment in every single thing that I do. We listened to Nick Carter the whole way, marveling at how great it was, and how it explained us when we couldn't.

After I got here, I went on line to tell Sunnie to tell my parents I wasn't coming home. Sunnie was still upset with me about something else, and we ended up in this battle...it was not good. It really didn't help me much. I think we both needed to vent though. I stared at Tim's screen name for a long time, and knew I wasn't going to talk to him. He didn't talk to me, I didn't talk to him. But then I realized something. He IS a really good friend. He said some dumb things that would have suggested otherwise, but he seemed to be genuinely concerned about losing my friendship. I realized something else too... In the past I had eliminated friendships, cut the rope so to speak, when I should have been reinforcing it. We had the earlier hope of a great friendship, and I was more than ready to throw that away. He DID hurt me, he DID say hurtful things...and at the time I was really upset and confused as to why he could complain about no one ever feeling for him in that way, and then I did...and I wasn't good enough. He didn't want me. And I know it was the purely physical appearance thing, I just didn't know...he would complain about Jessi being superficial. He's worse. But...AHHH! He was a very good friend. And I don't want to lose that. So I told him that. And I told him I think we could become even closer friends. He said he wanted that "sooo much". He wants things to be like they used to be. Isn't that what they always say? Can't we still be friends? Well, we can be, because I'm not going to be the stupid one this time like I was last year. I had great friends last year, and let paranoia and past experiences and other people's opinions dictate my actions, and I lost them all. Almost. A couple of them knew me well enough...anyway.

He and I decided that we were actually going to remain friends. But I don't think It will be anywhere near to the same as before. How can it be? He told me he didn't like being a part of the things I came to him with for comfort... So I told him I wouldn't tell him anything anymore. He said I shouldn't keep it inside, but I don't have any other choice. He won't be there for me like I thought he would. I know that now. From the beginning of it all, i wasn't thinking he'd fall in love with me, or like me even. I wanted him to be happy, I tried to help him. It comes down to this. he said he would never hurt me, and he did. Nobody can say that and mean it. I'll always be his friend though, that part of me will never change. God curse me and strike me dead...or not. *smiles weakly*

He didn't see what he should have. And now he never will, because I won't let him. That's all for now, Nikki---come home soon...I need you! *whines* I love you ALL, NAF