Life's not fair. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows I know that. Then why does everyone tell me life's not fair? WE ALL KNOW! No one needs to say it anymore. I know it more than most. You know what? I'm think I'm going to write an improv poem, here and now. Just because. I feel poetic. This is how I do it, for any of you who ever wondered. I start writing, and it starts rhyming, and when I'm done, I don't go back. I never change anything, because that would be changing how I feel. So here goes. The following is a written illustration of how I felt yesterday:

"Today"

I'm glad that it is gray today.

I'd die if it were bright.

The sun has gone away today,

Along with what is right.

I finally sat and cried today.

My strength and meaning gone.

I let my heartache out today.

But I let my mask stay on.

I finally see the truth today.

I know what I did wrong.

I'm closing up my heart today.

I'm back to being strong.

I do not cry for him today.

I do not cry for me.

I don't know why I cry today,

These feelings fly too free.

I wish that I could change today

To make it seem brand new.

I still feel all alone today,

The people here are few.

I fell back into dark today.

A sad familiar place.

I'm glad the sun is gone today.

It cannot see my face.

-Corrien E. Killmer

Well then! Yeah, yesterday I thought too much about too much. It was exhausting, and I still don't understand anything! Okay...everyone knows by now that I never expected anything to happen with Tim from the very beginning. I just didn't! I never ever let myself think that way. I wanted to keep him from falling into places I had been stuck in one too many times. I started talking to him, genuinely wanting to help prevent...prevent him from going where I had gone in similar situations. So yeah, I had liked him for two years, just because he was a really nice guy. I didn't know he was going to show me the real Tim. The sad side, the mad side, the side you never see. But he did. For a couple months he handed me every problem he had ever experienced, and I would respond with encouraging words, and anything else I could think of. He thanked me for helping him through his hard time.

He told me so many things. I'd like to think I helped with so many things. Sometimes he would decribe identical experiences to my own. So I would tell him how it happened to me too. Suddenly that wasn't okay. I can listen, but I can't talk...I don't understand! We have been through all the same things. The only difference with me...is that I have family problems on top. No one ever said he'd have to change them. It just isn't fair for him to say he's afraid of my problems, when I took all of his on top of my own, to try to make his life better. That's just not fair...

I know that's not a real reason. I know the real ones are superficial. I just wish he wouldn't cowardly hide behind something like that...my problems are no one's but my own. Always has been that way...

I was talking to Jessi last night, and at first I thought she was mad at me. She said I was putting her in the middle of it. She told me I couldn't be mad at Tim, he was just being honest. I told her I wasn't mad at Tim. Then she turned around and said how can I not be mad? She would be...I was royally confused. Then I realized...I am mad. but not at Tim.

I'm used to handling a lot more than other people. I can take on my problems and everyone else's all at the same time. I've been doing that all my life. So when I let a little out in my opinion, it's a mountain to other people. And it scares them. They don't know how to handle it. Tim even told me he didn't know how to handle it. In the conversation with Jessi last night, we discussed that.

(JESSI) Maybe people are used to you being the strong one.

DistantStares: people do think I'm the strong one, and I want to believe its true. In my yearbook junior year, everyone wrote about how strong I was, and how much they admired me. Everyone has breaking points. Mine just make people run away...that's the bad part of being the strong one. When the strong one falls, they're abandoned.

(JESSI): Maybe because it scares the rest of us.

(JESSI): Maybe if the strong one falls, then there's no hope for the weak.

DistantStares: but Jessi...that's not fair to me. No one can be strong all the time...and when they fall, they need to be caught just like everyone else

(JESSI): I'm not saying it's fair, I'm saying it's the way people expect things to be.

DistantStares: yeah, well it's really really not fair...i can listen, but I can't talk.

(JESSI): I know it's not.

So at least one person understands that... I'm so strong until I fall. And no one wants to be there when that happens. I'm there for everyone else when that happens to them. I fall, and I fall into nothing. I'm not saying that everyone has to stop coming to me for help/comfort/compassion/companionship. I love that I'm trusted in that way. I just wish I could expect the same, but I know now that I can't. I think it's good that I know that now. I don't go around telling people the bad things that happen to me with the intent of making them feel bad, or guilty, or anything like that. I thought being someone's friend included knowing them through the good and the bad. I can't expect that from everyone, and I'm glad I figured that out. There's a few people in this world I know I can always go to. I've been strong for them, and they're strong for me. Then there's the other people that I've made the mistakes about...my mistakes. Mental note taken and permanently stored. I guess I'll remain a mystery to them. Well, this was a long entry. But I needed for it to all be said. Life's not fair, did you know that? E-rok out. Later.