Okay, so maybe I lied a little bit. I've taken a break from the dream for a moment, but that's only because another dream has taken over my focus. It's not a new dream by any means. It's an old dream. It's very much a part of me, and even more terrifying than publication to pursue. I know, that doesn't seem possible. But it is.

There has been something I have been ignoring for far too long. A very large part of me that I somehow managed to successfully banish from my every day life, that I have been severely missing. I can't even begin to explain this... I just hope it all works out.

I was completely honest with myself and others for the first time in about five years, and now I wait. It was very reminiscent of jumping off a cliff, and the fall is taking a lot longer than I expected it to. I thought I would have hit the ground by now, but the ground is taking its time to meet me. Ideally I wouldn't meet the ground at all. I'm hoping for a parachute that I didn't know I had to deploy at the very last minute. Hey... a girl can dream.

I know this is cryptic, but it's not without reason. Hopefully ten years from now I remember what I was talking about. I've been cryptic in past memories, and unfortunately, when going back to re-read this entire blog, I was completely lost. I had no idea what I was talking about back then. I'm thinking this will be different though, because this is pretty much huge.

Here's a hint for my future self. A miracle that began with Scarlett. There you go. You know what that means. So do all the other people that have ever had any part in this miracle of mine. Well, maybe. We will see.

I hope I hope I hope I pray I pray I pray. You know my heart, dear Lord. You know my dreams. You know the plans you have for me, you've told me so. You've shown me what you want for me, and now it's all in your hands. It's completely up to you.

One final thing...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

That is all.

Sometimes I look back at all of these posts and want to start over. It would be really easy to just start completely over... but that's not how life works. That's not even close.

It is really tempting to erase everything too. Again, not a life possibility, so why try to pretend it can happen simply by erasing the things I've written down? Someday I will be happy that I recorded all of it. Someday.

I really need to be a writer. I really need to get that going. I need to make it happen. It's no longer a want, it's a need. I've done enough fantasizing and have incorporated enough mindless babble to last me an eternity. I need this. It will happen. My next entry will be the beginning of me chronicling this process. I will keep it up. I will make it happen. I will frame my pink slips, and keep on going. I will succeed. I will be great. I will be happy. She will be proud... THANK YOU MAMA. She read all of my stories :)

One of the best things to do when you are struggling with your future, is to take a good hard look at your past. Seems to make sense. Right? Right. Well, that's what I've been doing. Looking at my past. Staring at it, really. Looking at it so hard and for so long, I almost feel like the power of my gaze can make it change somehow. I know that isn't possible. Not even a little bit.

I have reevaluated all of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. I have analyzed the underlying motivations to pursue those relationships. I have looked at myself from every angle, and I still come up empty handed. Who am I?

One of the most enraging and yet constant questions I find myself consistently uttering while I lay in bed? Simple. Who would I have been had Mom never gotten sick? Who would I be now? How would things have been different? I suppose that one question of I would have been is so loaded, that it's filled to the brim with millions of other questions. They all stem from that one question though. If Mom never would have gotten sick... IF IF IF IF IF.

It seems so useless to delve into those possibilities, and yet it's what I am constantly consumed with. Every once in awhile, I feel like who I "really" am is sneaking back into my persona. It is finding its way back into my daily routines, fastening itself to my soul. Then in almost the same instant, it's completely vanished. I'm left with the leftovers yet again, trying to figure out if it's gone for good, or if I keep pushing it away.

I remember who I used to be. That's one thing that isn't all that hard to distinguish when I look back at the past. I remember what was important and what I wanted. I remember how I felt. I remember my morals and values. I remember the lessons my parents taught me. I remember how black and white everything appeared to be. There was only one way to live, and I was perfectly happy living that way. Was it because I didn't know any different? Or was it because that was the right way to live? That's where it gets a little hazy. That's when I get confused.

I remember hating myself. I remember being a teenager, staring really hard at the bathroom tiles, searching out their every imperfection, so I could put off looking at my own. I remember fiery arguments with my Mom, which typically served as the precursor for those bathroom staring sessions. I remember feeling worthless, sitting on the bathroom floor, hunched over as I stared at those tiles. I remember trying to cry as quietly as I could, so I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing she had gotten to me.

I remember so vividly telling myself that someday it would be better. Someday I would be beautiful. Someday my sisters wouldn't hate me. Someday I wouldn't feel like the entire earth was exploding inside of my chest. I remember thinking that I was going crazy. I tired immediately of my Mom's condescending explanations about hormones and teenage emotions. I was convinced I was different. My hurt was real, my thoughts were real.

Everyone has the difficult teenage years, but I am also positive that some have it far worse than others. I refuse to believe that the beautiful girls who taunted me went home to stare at bathroom tiles as they cried. I know they weren't hiding in dark corners writing melancholy poetry. Part of me enjoys the idea that they weren't writing, because they couldn't. They were shallow and far too preoccupied with looks and popularity to ever crack the binding on a notebook.

I remember the good times too. I remember the church musicals, and 'See you at the Pole', and everything that completely enveloped who I was. I was Corrie, the good Christian girl. I was Corrie, the writer. I was Corrie, the theater geek. I was Corrie, the Hanson fan--- who didn't care how many snarky comments followed her down the hallway as she proudly displayed a different Hanson t-shirt for each day of the week. I was Corrie, the sister. I was Corrie, the daughter. I was Corrie, the scapegoat. This was most likely my least favorite title, and yet the most common.

My sisters recognized that I caught the brunt of all chores, verbal assaults, and accusations. I was left home to fend for myself and cover for everyone while they went off and did whatever. I had lists to accomplish. I met with the consequences if they weren't. I was the hermit, and that was a consequence in and of itself. It was almost as if I was being punished for my lack of social standing. I was a shadow, so naturally... I was left in the background.

That's probably what led me to the stage in the first place. It was a place to momentarily step out of the shadows. I found a voice on the stage, and I never let go of it. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes that's bad. I've adopted traits of certain characters throughout the years. Namely the humorous ones. I've become a talented story teller, a better writer. I have things to say, and to my complete astonishment, people actually want to listen.

The stage... once a solution, now the problem. How much of me is a character? A facade comprised of dozens of personalities that don't even belong to me? How much of my attitudes, opinions, and views are actually mine? It's maddening to try and figure it all out, it really is.

It does, however, provide an excellent explanation as to why I am experiencing such an identity crisis right now. I suppose I have been for quite some time now. Directly after my Mom died, I feel like I just became whoever I had to be to survive. I was all over the map, adopting a dozen different personalities.

I was different in every single relationship I have ever been in. So completely different. I feel like I am changing again. I just want to stop changing for awhile. I want to see me, I want to see the people around me, and I want to look at them through my own eyes, with my own brain and personality behind those eyes. I don't want to be tainted by influence. It's impossible though. Every person is the person they are, because of the influences they grew up with. I grew up with such great ones. At least for a little while.

I need to figure all of this out. I really really do.

I feel like I am floating. Things happen, and they don't really seem real. It's one big long dream, right?

I wrote two plays recently. I feel accomplished somehow. I'm not making any money off of it, and I'm not doing much else. But I wrote two plays.

I really want to pack up and leave. Sometimes I don't even care where.

I love Dodger. We're going through all this crap together. He's my little love. We're both miserable, but we know it will get better.

The end. For now.

I am so sad. Very, very sad. I don't understand what happened. I don't know how I could lose myself so completely, abandoning who I was and how I saw myself just so I could see myself how someone else saw me.

I didn't like what he saw, therefore I didn't like me. I still don't.

I am so sad.

This is really hard. There are so many things I have grown far too accustomed to. It's too hard to not do certain things. I lay in bed at night, just paging through my contacts list on my phone, trying to think of who to text and start a conversation with. It's really lonely here in my head.

I miss my Izzy bug. She's my little nugget and I miss her nuzzles and noises. I lost Cody and had to give up Izzy. I'm really not good at this.

There were things that weren't right. There are things that aren't right. There are things that can change, and there are things that can't.

I guess I will do what I was always taught. Just give it to God and stop the worry. Pray and stay.

*deep breath*

It should be easy to trust God. My excessive trust issues should not include my heavenly Lord and Savior, and yet... here I am.

I don't like feeling like this. I really don't. I went for a walk by the lake tonight and actually had to fight the urge to walk out onto the not nearly solid lake. It was a strange sensation. I actually wanted to slip through the ice and feel the intense cold. I wanted to be numb.

I find myself staring at the stars, wondering what they look like from Heaven. I always feel closer to my Mom when I am outside at night. I don't know what it is. Most of the time it makes me cry. Not a big fan of the emotional breakdowns these days. The need to talk to my Mom right now is suffocating. I can barely handle it.

I really have no idea where I am going or what I am doing. Just trying to make the right choices. It's terrifying.

I don't know why I am writing. Apparently I have nothing to say.

I am kind of freaking out. No, not kind of. I am really really freaking out.

I have this sick feeling in my stomach and I feel on the constant verge of tears. Growing up, my Mom wanted me to have friends. She wanted me to go out and be social. But she never once ever encouraged me to ever be anyone other than myself.

She escorted me to boy band concerts, bought me teeny bopper magazines, read my stories, watched my plays. She knew who I was, and she loved me for it, not in spite of it.

High School teaches you to change. That's when it first happens. That's when you start to really be influenced by the world around you. Suddenly who you were always content with being isn't good enough. There are the fortunate few who get to escape all of that, but that is incredibly rare.

My mom got sick when I was only 16 years old. That's the age when you just start figuring out who you are. You just start to realize who you want to be and what you want to do. I skipped all of that. I skipped it and went right into who my parents needed me to be. I was devoted. If she were still alive, I probably would still be by her side.

I met BJ when I was just turning 21 years old. He was my first everything. I never thought I would get out of my little world, but I did. For a minute, anyway. I loved him so much... I wanted to stay with him forever. She got sick again, and my purpose was clear again. It was like a magnetic pull. I didn't stand a chance. I thought it was turned into a later, not a never... I got so so lost.

When I met Andi everything was bad, and then it got worse. I thought it was the perfect time to fall into someone's arms, but it was the worst possible time to not stand on my own two feet. He said all the right words at all the right times. It was evil.

I met Conrad at my Mom's funeral. I don't even need to analyze why that wasn't healthy. Everyone tells you all about the different stages of grief. What they don't mention is that you become a different person within each of the different stages.

I was exactly who Conrad needed when we met. He became exactly what I needed when I fell apart. We were perfect for each other somewhere in there. And then something changed. Piece by piece it came together. My reflection. My true self. Me.

It's extremely difficult to make it all make sense. I was open, and honest. I was able to put words together and express who I really was. Who Corrie, the person IS. It was time to stop compromising her. It was time to let her exist. She hadn't existed for decades.

 The person I am meant to be does not belong with the person he is meant to be.
I am terrified that I am going to be alone forever. I know this is not an uncommon fear.

There have been some great quotes blessing me with their presence lately. None of which surpasses the great Jonathan Kent. (That's right... Clark Kent/Superman's Dad)

"It is better to risk everything than to hold onto nothing."

Conrad and i fight about the dumbest things, say things that should never be said, expect things from each other that we shouldn't. This isn't happiness. It just isn't.

I want him to get what he wants out of life. I want him to achieve all of his goals. I helped him with those goals for three years, because i believed in him.

Now, I need to believe in me. That is going to be beyond difficult...

Fear.

Why does it have so much control? How does it keep its grip so tight?

I remember having that conversation repeatedly wiht my Mom when she got sick again. She lived every day in fear. I told her that wasn't living. True, her fears were far more substantial than mine. Fear is fear.

She was terrified of dying, and cried her days away. The cancer took a stronger hold on her with every tear she cried.

The brain is unbelievably powerful. I have heard so many stories and testimonies illustrating the power the brain has over the body. Power over your entire life! Every once in awhile I allow my mind to wander to the magic that is "The Secret". It was a very successful book several years back, and then became a documentary.

The gist of it is simply that your brain is constantly putting forth waves. Versions of electricity that emits and pulls energy. It focuses around the principle that you are constantly attracting things from the universe. The thing you think about most in any given moment is what you are attracting to yourself.

If yous spend enough time thinking about wealth and power, eventually you will get there. If you spend all your time in fear of dying, it goes without saying that you will get sicker and sicker, or simply meet your unfortunate end in some tragic way.

Fear is little else than a constant thought, an energy, a wave you are sending out into the universe. The universe can't tell the difference between good thoughts and bad thoughts. So, if you're thinking of all the horrible things that could happen, that's what the universe thinks you want, and therefore....well you get the picture.

That brings me back to fear. I'm not terrified of dying or meeting some tragic accident. I am terrified of failure. I am so scared that the things I have been dreaming about since childhood will never be possible. So guess what? They aren't. At least not until I start believing they truly are.

The Secret instructs you to dream specifically. Picture your dream house every single day down to the tile and and grout. Why is this so difficult?

Fear is stronger than dreams. At least in my world. I need to change that. I need so badly to change that. This life I have right now is not the one I was meant to live. If my Mom had banished fear from her life, would she still be alive?

Long before she was sick, my mom would watch tear jerker movies and vocally admit that her biggest fear was dying of cancer and leaving her family behind. She was terrified of being away from the family she had been through so much to create. She never wanted to leave my Dad, so she focused instead on the fear of that actually happening.

How different would the world be without fear? That question haunts me. There is so much power just beneath the surface that we can all tap into.

It's time to dream specifically...

I will be a successfully published author within five years. I will have a lovely country house with a wrap around porch and swing. I will have at least two children within ten years. I will be happily married. I will write from home, all of the stories in my head finally making their way to paper. Published paper.

I will have a close network friends that include me in every aspect of their lives. I will have paid off all of my Dad's bills, restoring my childhood home and keeping it open for visiting friends and family.

I will have enough land to own horses. I will ride horses.

I will become an animal foster parent.

I will banish fear from my life once and for all, and start living the life I have always been meant to live. There is no time like the present, that's why it is a gift! (Thanks, Mom)

Cody died today. I put him down at 11am. He was 17 and a half years old. I will miss him every single day. He just kept on surviving. I guess part of me thought he always would. I know he lived exceptionally long for a dog, but... he was amazing. I hope doggies really do go to Heaven. Mom will be very happy to see him.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated. I don't know if I am put here, or if this is where I hide. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. I try to force myself into situations and scenarios and events, and I just don't fit. It's hard to hide the jealousy, when everyone around you seems to be pairing off, or becoming a "group" and you are still there, watching.

I flat out say things like "Oh I would love to go with you sometime..." they have no choice but to be polite and agree. I feel so pathetic even writing about this. I am just so sick of empty promises and assurances. What is wrong with me? Nobody likes to feel left behind. It really sucks...

I hate my birthday. It never turns out the way I expect it to. The actual DAY was okay, because I think I banked all my hopes on the party. The party didn't go very well. Five people canceled right before it started. I don't understand why people do that. If you had no intention of coming, or planned on ducking out after half an hour because you had better things to do, why not say no to the initial invite? Save me the time and money.

Rawr.

Don't exchange secret looks as you both struggle to come up with a reason as to why you have to leave. Just go. Don't insult me.

I know there are bigger problems. I have them. I'm just focusing on the stupid ones so I don't freak out too much. I am really frustrated. There are a lot of things I just want to give up on.

Don't talk about me, talk to me. That would really be helpful. Thank you. I don't need someone sending me messages telling me what someone else wants to say or know from me. They can do it themselves thank you very much! We can all speak. Use your own voice.

I can't stand liars. I can't stress that enough. I really really hate lies. If you tell me you can't be somewhere because you need to be somewhere else, don't run away like a scared puppy when I catch you in your pathetic lie. Oh... I am so going to lose it. I am seriously angry. Angry and sad, really.

I need you to realize I'm worth it. I matter. I'm extraordinary. I would do anything for you. I am the best friend you will ever have. I am going to make it someday, and you will want me then. I can't wait to not want you anymore. I can't WAIT!

Time to get to work on my dreams. I have to make them happen. I have to feel like I have contributed something to this world...

goodbye.

I am getting older in one week. Well, I suppose I get older every day. But my official birthday is one week from today. I will be 28 years old. I started this blog nine years ago. Is that insane or what? Wow...

I have been re-reading old entries, and try not to laugh at the things I was so concerned about before. So many of those things ended up being so trivial. Life got so much more REAL.

I am in a pretty great place right now. I'm not completely sure that I've reached exactly who I want to be yet, but I feel like I'm getting closer. Writing certainly helps.

I am actually somewhat excited for Christmas this year. Although I don't have the money I wish I did to buy everything I wish I could. Conrad is so generous with his gift giving, and I know we joke about there being a competition, but I really do feel like the loser. I just feel like I can't ever get him what he wants, and I feel really bad about that.

I love that he loves Christmas as much as I do. It's really exciting to get excited with someone else. Fuels the fire!

I got Izzy's picture taken with Santa last night. It was so cute!!! I felt a little cheesy, but since Sunnie is working as a Santa's helper this year, I got the pictures for free. So hey, why not?

The hardest part of any holiday of course, is missing Mom. I don't think that will ever go away. Her heart, her traditions, her passion for entertaining. Her touch is everywhere this time of year. I love and miss her so much... I wish I had someone the least bit comparable to her somewhere around, but I don't. There's a bit of her in each of my sisters, but that's as close as it gets. She was truly a one of a kind...

Well, tonight is Disney on Ice with Crystal and the kids, and I'm pretty excited. I really hope to get back into the swing of the writing thing. It will be good.

If you read this, I'm pretty sure I love you.

Wow.... it has been a long time. Life has changed a lot. A ton.

I have made a lot of new friends through strange connections. It's been good. I quit CARIBOU!!!!!!!!! Best day ever. A lot of friendships slipped through the cracks with that decision, but I knew they were strictly work relationships anyway. No loss there.

Conrad and I were engaged, then broke up in July of 2011. As of now, we are back together. Second chances and all that. We will see what happens.

What else, what else? I have a job now that I really love. It's called Lulu and Luigi, and it's a Pet boutique and "Grooming Pawlour". How cute is that? I love it. And I can bring my doggies to work with me. I really enjoy my new co-workers. This is a good job.

My closest friend right now is Crystal. She and I are going to go visit Kelly in January. Kelly was living here for a little bit. From November to the beginning of July. It wasn't as permanent as some of us expected it to be.

I don't live alone anymore. I moved out of my downtown White Bear apartment. Jamison lives there now with his girlfriend Dana. They love it. I don't blame them. I moved short term into an apartment attached to a house owned by a friends' parents. I loved it there, but I was needed elsewhere.

After Kelly left, I took over the "living with daddy" duties. We've all had our turn, and now it's mine. I never believed Sunnie and Kelly when they told me what a challenge it was. Dad doesn't seem to care about anything around the house, and it's literally falling apart. Not to mention he is a tornado of messes. For a neat freak like me, that's not ideal.

Dodger and Izzy love it though. They have a yard for the first time! Not that Izzy steps a foot off the patio... I don't think I had Izzy last time I posted in here. She's a little Yorkie, and she's adorable. She and Dodger have made my life that much brighter.

Christmas is rapidly approaching, which means I'm about to get a year older. 28. That sounds so old! It feels a little happier this year. A little more holiday-ish. Sunnie and I are getting along really well, and I love spending time with her.

I really want to try to keep up with this thing again. I need to be writing again. I need to be ME! I haven't been that in awhile. I know certain things still need changing in order for me to get there. It's all a process. Lots to learn.

Anyway, I think that's all for now. At least I made like ONE entry this year. 2011. You're almost gone. I'm okay with that. I know 2012 will be awesome. I just have a feeling...

I can't wait for the cloud of melancholy to dissipate. That may seem like something I may have a bit of control over, but I don't. Every new corner is something else to worry about. Be afraid of. Shy away from. Memories unfolded, brought to light, only to hurt hurt hurt. Not just me, everyone around me. I can't help it. They're not mine.

I miss a life that never existed. I used to shake my head at mom behind her back when she would recall her happy childhood that never happened. She would idealize her Dad, painting this picture of him that truly was never true. I find myself doing the same thing with my mom. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe that's what the brain does to help you survive. Maybe the bad just fades completely away, and you're not even aware of it.

I'm really scared. I'm really paranoid. I'm sabotaging things. Did you know that? Neither did I. I always figure it out when it's too late. I miss my family. But again, a family that doesn't exist anymore. We're all different. We're not here. We're not there.

I spend way too much time alone. Way way too much time alone. I want to be the person everyone wants to be around, but I've never been that person. Why should that change now? Before though, I was content without anyone else. I had Mom. She was my friend, enemy, nurturer and torturer all in one. She would tell me lies and insult me, while holding me and promising me the world. She was my balance, my anchor, my insanity.

How do you move no from that? How do you relate to people? I have not a single clue. People focus on these tiny, small problems. I see their answers right in front of them, and they just keep running around in circles acting insane... but I'm the crazy one. I can't see my own answers, so maybe I should just fix everyone else's problems. Haha...right. They think I'm crazy.

Why do people suck so hard? Hahahaha... they really do. Empty promises, but accusations filled to the brim with misinformed opinions. Blah blah freakin blah. I guess I felt like rambling today. But now I feel like crawling back to my couch in my dark dark living room. Good evening...

Everyone keeps giving me the same piece of advice. The best thing for a writer to do, is to write every single day. Judging alone by how little I write in this blog, I do a very poor job of meeting that goal. I need to get better about that.

I have no idea what I'm doing in life right now. I'm completely exhausted, and totally lost. I don't know where I belong, or with who. I don't recognize my family, and they don't recognize me.

They tell me how much I've changed since I met Conrad. That's very true. We all have. I met him right when Mom died. It was inevitable that I would change. It's impossible to know how I would have changed had he NOT been around, but he was... I don't think the different I would be would be any better than the different I am. Does that make sense?

They miss who I used to be. I miss who they used to be. The people we all miss don't exist anymore, and I don't think they ever will again. That was a different life, a different time.

It's so frustrating for me to not be able to fix a situation. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I've talked to several people about my relationship with Conrad, and they all draw the very same conclusion. Life with him is better for me right now than life without him would be. He has kept me distracted and safely away from a very very dark place that I was on the brink of succumbing to before I met him.

Life was a very bad place after Mom died, living alone. It still is sometimes, because I'm still alone a lot. I have my puppy, Dodger, and that helps a little. I live a mile away from the only other people I know basically, and they will never meet me halfway. I will always have to come to them, and I will always have to watch what I say, do... endless eggshells.

Paul looks at me like he can't stand me, or just flat out doesn't look at me at all. Sunnie is visually biting her tongue every time I mention Conrad's name. No matter how many times I tell them I need him right now, they view me as selfish and blind. They claim to see things I can't, say they care only about me, and their reasons for giving me the cold shoulder is because they love me, but can't stand him. It's so beyond unfair.

Kelly is visiting right now, and I could see her being pulled in two directions. I wanted her to stay here so badly. We had been planning it for months. I was so looking forward to having some part of my family around again, someone who didn't hate me... or at least act like they do. The day before she got here, she told me her plans had changed and she wanted to spend a couple nights at Dad's house. A couple turned into every single night she was here. I was devastated. BUT... I didn't bring it up once, with the exception of a few texts expressing passing disappointment.

I felt stupid for reserving an entire week to cleaning and reorganizing an apartment no one was staying in. Scrubbing a bathroom no one was gonna use. Buying furniture to impress...nobody. I feel empty. Really empty.

I called Sunnie to try to patch things. I need people to be here. I am so allergic to the shelties now, I can barely handle being in the house. I have been so tired due to several medical issues... and that has been working hardcore against me. I make plans with family members, and wake up hours later, extremely confused. I get texts wondering why I hadn't shown up. Why can't they call me? Why can't anyone ever call me?

I feel so pushy. I feel like nobody wants me and I am just pushing myself on everyone. Not just family, but EVERYONE. Every conversation is so stressed, so strained. I have explained myself and my reasoning, and my needs and wants and all the things I'm told I'm supposed to do, and it comes back to bite me every single time.

I tried talking to Sunnie. I gave it one last shot. I really wanted/needed things to be okay while Kelly was here so we could all be together. It just didn't happen that way, and so here I am home alone again on another Friday night, while my entire family is having dinner together. I can't handle this anymore. Everyone being angry, everyone expecting decisions that I can't make, apologies I don't owe...while I am completely disregarded. I just want ONE person to say they're sorry to me, so I don't feel like such a shell. I want to exist.

I'm told no wrong has been done to me, there's no reason for anyone to apologize to me. Glares, judgements, harsh words, doors slamming, commands, screams... no wrong done to me? I feel like a child who is endlessly scolded for something beyond their control.

"Stop breathing, child. You're so selfish with all that air you're sucking in. If you don't give up breathing, we don't want you around. You're stealing air from us and we can't have that, you stupid child. You can't see how ignorant and selfish you are with all your breathing... go away and breathe somewhere else. We don't want to see it, hear it, or know about it. We'd rather pretend you're not breathing at all..."

I need somebody in my corner. I need someone who can see and understand. I need I need, I want I want. It's just flat out not happening.

Conrad is necessary to me. He gets me out of my apartment and makes me laugh. Do they realize that I would be at the very bottom of a very deep dark well right now if someone wasn't filling that role? Nobody else wants to or is able to fill that role right now, and it's extremely necessary. They have lives. They are busy. It's not rocket science. We're all struggling. We all are trying. We're all failing.

It's all beyond me. I can't make anything better without making myself worse. Just like Sunnie said, she needs to focus on herself and make herself better, and figure out how to get through each and every day. I need to do the same. But tell me how to stop caring? How to stop worrying? How to stop trying to fix things? It's all I've ever done.

But... it's like a botched cake. You try to frost your way out of the ugly, and you just keep making it worse. Or at least I do. Cakes aren't my thing, and apparently, neither are families anymore. Which is awesome...

I don't know who I am. None of us do anymore. We need to figure that out. Then things will get better. The downside, of course? That can take months. Years. Decades.

At this point I have a very strong urge to disappear. Pack up my life and take off. If I could afford it, I probably would. Start over somewhere, cut every tie, burn every bridge. Everything here is too painful, and the moments of relief are so few and far between, that it seems like I enjoy abusing myself. But I don't. I really really don't. I want out.

So... off I go to numb my senses with another TV series. AHHHH... remember when weekends were things to look forward to? Yeah... neither do I...

It's been a very long time. October, November, December, January, March, and here we are in April. April.

Well, I have been dating Conrad for about a year. I would love to say that it's perfect, and wonderful. But it isn't. Not necessarily the part about being WITH Conrad, I really enjoy that part. It's the other stuff. The family stuff.

I don't even know where to begin. I have spent countless hours thinking on every single little detail, and I keep coming back to the same thing. Most of my family all live in the same house. Together. There is almost an unspoken alliance between them. Don't attack each other. But there is a lot of anger, as there usually is in the grieving process. This anger needs a release. I'm the closest target outside of the alliance.

It all began with a Metallica ticket, and spun so incredibly out of control. Apologies were demanded from Conrad and myself, and I'm still not exactly sure why. I've never received an apology. But why apologize to a rock? They have no feeling. They can be kicked, thrown, stepped on, but they stay a rock. They're solid. Well, I don't want to be a rock anymore. I'm crumbling into sand, and sand as we all know, slips away very easily. I'm definitely slipping...

I've written so many letters lately. Some requested, some not so much. So, instead of me reiterating everything that has happened over the last several months, I think I will post the letters. So here you go:

Sunnie, Paul, and Dad.

I just want to start off by saying, I love you all so very very much. I appreciate more than I can even say the fact that you let me keep Dodger there.

I know you think it's irresponsible of me to have Dodger in the first place, but I can't even begin to tell you what a little miracle he's been. I've not forgotten about Cody, not in the slightest. I love him more than any other puppy on the planet. But I'm also allergic to him.

I have been so unwell lately, that's no surprise to you. This happens every winter. It sucks, because I unintentionally become a hermit. I rarely leave the house. Several times when I've left Dodger at the house longer than I had meant to, it was simply because I had fallen asleep for a prolonged period of time. By accident.

You don't have to do anything with him, but I'm grateful that you do. Please don't try and make me feel guilty for decisions you make all on your own. He'll be okay if you don't play with him. I need that puppy, and I need your help. Yes, it was overall not the brightest thing to accept him as a gift, but he has brought me so much comfort and such an amazing distraction. I can't give him up. Maybe I will end up living somewhere else. Who knows. But he's worth it.

As fas as Conrad goes, I don't even know where to begin. I'm so sad about all of this. Yes, when things started out with he and I, it was rocky at best. He said things that really hurt me, but I got over it. He got over it. We got over it, together. Regardless of what you think or believe, people change. He did not initially find me ideally attractive, and I never should have told you that, because all of you throw that in my face over and over again. But i turned to my family for comfort. He doesn't feel that way now, he really doesn't. I can see so many changes, and I want to show them to you too, but you're completely closed off to it.

I know there is still friction between everyone, and I have tried my absolute hardest to help make it better, but we all know it isn't up to me. I met Conrad AFTER Mom passed. He was never a part of that saga like we all were. He's my link to the outside, a link that I think several of us are missing.

I need you to understand how vital he is to me. I've not had anyone to talk to for years. I was strong for you guys, and took care of you guys as best I could. I need to be taken care of now. I've earned it. I need to cry.

I have put him through the ringer. He has had to pick me up off the floor of department stores when something strikes me and the emotions take over. I've gone off on him for no reason whatsoever, and he takes it and holds me.

You don't approve, you think he's awful, you tell me he's going to leave. You say he's not welcome. Sunnie and Paul, I am your sister. Dad, I am your daughter. Conrad means a lot to me, and he has been there for me in ways you guys haven't been and can't be. I don't blame you for that, but the fact alone that he is helping me be able to get out of bed each morning should make you appreciate him.

I love my family so much, and I have always been family obsessed. But I need to step away from the grief right now, we've been drowning in it for so long. I don't think I deserve to be a villian because I like playing Yahtzee with his parents, or going to movies. I don't think it makes me the bad guy because I still get sad every time I walk into that house. Sunnie, you've told me how badly you want to get out of there. How can you blame me for not wanting to be there either?

I have a home that I am proud of and filling with love. I love having you all here. I didn't build this barrier, though. Neither did Conrad.

The issue about the ticket and the money is so minuscule, and Conrad can NOT be blamed for our family difficulties. We lost mom, guys. There is such a huge strain on all of us as a result of that loss, that we're lashing out at each other, and we need to stop it.

Conrad is taking care of me, and helping me through the absolute hardest time of my life. We're all going through it, but we all have to deal with it differently. We know that, we've learned it, we've seen it. Don't be angry with me for how I handle it, that's not fair and you know it.

You don't have to love Conrad. You don't have to welcome him. You don't have to approve, you don't have to do anything. But I'm with him right now, and I'm happy. I have reasons to laugh and get out of my head, and that's so so so very important to me.

I want everyone to be okay with each other, and I've worked towards it as best I can. But what do I do now? What do you want from me now? You say he's no good, and I'm going to get hurt, and you're doing this and saying these things because you care about me... because you love me. It doesn't feel very loving, and I desperately need to feel better.

I can't continue to feel like I am constantly letting everyone down or making people angry or hurting them, simply by trying to make myself feel better. I'm not a selfish person by any means, but I need to figure out a way to take care of me too. A way to put myself on my own list.

I miss you all so much, but I don't know what you want me to do. So at this point, I give up. I'm so tired, and it's winter so I'm constantly sick, and I just want to sleep for like a year.

If you want to have a conversation, that can happen. I had hoped to be spending more time over there when I felt better. The shelties make it hard. As far as yesterday goes, Sunnie... I had to go back to change my clothes and face the landlords. Then I had to help Sarah with something very personal. Don't always think the worst of me. I don't deserve it.

I love you.



Kelly, Sunnie, Paul and Dad,

I don't want to write another stupid email, but I don't have another option. None of you will answer or return my calls, and I don't have a car to come and talk to you, Sunnie and Dad, in person. Not only that, but Sunnie you've said I can't show up to your home unannounced and expect a conversation. You're right. You have a life, an agenda, and that house is no longer my home. I'm sorry for crossing that line.

I know you both feel that I've been untruthful and manipulative. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out exactly what I've done wrong. I over analyze everything and stay up all hours trying to figure out exactly how to go back and make it right, because I need to fix it. But I know I can't.

Kelly and Sunnie, we are all sisters. Since the beginning of time we've talked to each other about each other. There have been embellishments, and hurts, and betrayals, and alliances. Some of us have been closer, and then further apart, over and over, back and forth. We've all been hurt by each other countless times. We grew up so close, that was inevitable.

Kelly, you've talked to me about Sunnie countless times, and how she's hurt and judged you. Sunnie, you've spoken to me on several occassions on how Kelly has abandoned the family, and how you've felt she doesn't care about you at all. I, admittedly have spoken to each of you about the other whenever there have been frustrations on either side. It's what we do. If you want an apology, I will give one a million times over. I didn't intend to make you out to be a monster to anyone, Sunnie. I didn't set out to destroy you, nor would I ever do that. Be it 13 months or not, you're my little sister, and I have spent a gigantic portion of my life protecting you. The bond you and I have, being raised like we were... is something I feel lost without.

None of us are blameless. I will take responsibility for my actions. I didn't lie. I showed up to the house in tears to make things right with Sunnie, telling her I loved her and that I needed her. I admit to feeling desperate and wanting so badly for things to be better, but she claims I barged into her home uninvited and attacked her. I don't understand how "I love you and I need you" could ever be viewed as an attack. It's a common word being passed around these days, and it needs to be dropped. If we ARE attacking each other, shame on us. All of us. We're family.

I love my sisters more than I can properly express. "I can never love anyone as I love my sisters." And without you two, I'm completely lost. I'm trying so hard to make it right, but you won't let me. I'm told to give it time, give it time... but I can't.

We all know what Thursday is, and the days that follow. It's not fair to leave me out in the cold, to cast me out like I've murdered someone. We've dealt with these situations throughout our lives more times than any of us would care to admit. Rumors, misinterpretations, things lost and changed in translation. It's because of what we've been through that things are heightened. Please, don't make this all my fault, because it isn't.

Sunnie, you told me repeatedly that you have feelings too, and you've been hurt too. I know that, I understand that, and I have a firm grasp on that. But don't forget that goes both ways. I don't want to hurt you anymore, and I don't want to be hurting. I need my family. I need to make this right.

All of you have expressed a desire for my relationship with Conrad to end. Kelly, you said you will only be there for me when I realize how bad Conrad is for me. It is not fair for ANY of you to make that judgment.

My relationship with Conrad is viewed as hazardous to my own existence by my entire family, and try as I might, I can't seem to sway your opinion. I don't know what you want me to do, I really don't.

We're all struggling to make it through each day, and each have things to help us do that. None of us were thrilled about Dad's cigar smoking, or junk food eating, and even expressed to him at certain times how those things hurt and affect us. But they were helping him personally, so he continued. If all that's over now, this is irrelevant, but it wasn't at the time.

Conrad was a jerk in the beginning, and I confided in my family about that. But he changed. Believe it or not, he changed. He's proud to be with me, I'm proud to be with him. I'm treated like part of his family, invited to every event. I am loved and I am welcomed, but it's a poor substitute for my own family.

Conrad is not your ideal for me, but as I've said, it is remarkably unfair for you to cut ties with me, because of who I'm dating. I would never NEVER do that to any of you. I know there are stresses and hurts and problems. I tried so hard to eliminate those. I really really did. Encouraged communication, and defended BOTH Sunnie and Paul. A lot of it was lighthearted, because I had and still have zero ideas as to how this situation blew up like it did. Everyone, EVERYONE reacted too strongly to things they shouldn't have, placed meanings behind things that should have never been there, and acted in ways they shouldn't have. There's no way to go back and erase it, and start over, and it would be naive of me to say that's what I wanted. It's a lot easier to forgive, than forget.

You've all demanded apologies from both Conrad and myself. I apologize. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I am sorry for talking about Sunnie to Kelly, I am sorry for talking about Kelly to Sunnie, I am sorry for relaying Sunnie's concerns about Dad to Sam, (because Sunnie talked frequently about it, and I was so worried for all of you, and didn't seem to be enough of a person to talk to) I am sorry for initially staying away, I am sorry for getting Dodger and relying so heavily upon you all, I am sorry for being hurt about things I shouldn't have, I am sorry for not speaking up more often on my family's behalf.

Conrad has been prone to flashes of anger that have lead to his own embellishments and I feel badly about that. He gets angry when I'm hurt, or upset. He has a right to feel that way, but please believe me... he knows what he said in certain instances wasn't true. He was defending me. I will defend him too. He's a very good person, with a short fuse. But not with me anymore. Not at all.

I have never been defended by anyone, and I've always been pretty crappy about standing up for myself. I will apologize until I am blue in the face if it means getting my family back. But I've never once been apologized to. Things thrown, doors slammed, phone hang ups... for awful things that were said to me and about my boyfriend. "He's always going to think you're fat and ugly, he's going to leave you, he's not going to be around forever..." Those are not words of love, and they've been nothing but sabotage to my brain.

I needed someone to have dinner with me. Someone to go to movies with. Someone to watch silly TV shows with. Someone to have inside jokes with. Someone to listen to me. Someone to cry to, who didn't have the same exact reason to cry. Someone to distract me. Someone to take me grocery shopping and force me to eat. Someone to fix my car when it breaks. Someone to cuddle with when the dark gets too dark. Someone to remind me to get my medications filled. Someone to nudge me when my bills are due. Someone who will rearrange their schedule when something important happens in my life. Someone who gets out of their comfort zone to make me happy. Someone to wonder where I am and what I'm doing. Someone... I needed someone. You introduced me to someone. He's my someone.

Tell me how to give him up. Tell me how to go back to empty nights full of tears and sadness. I don't know how. If giving him up means having this terrific family life, where I never have to face any of that again, I'll do it.

Mom was my previous agenda. She was where I was going, who was wondering where I was, who was wondering what I was up to. She was who I consistently mattered to on a minute to minute basis. I need that. I need to be a consistent thought on someone's mind. It's holding me together. It's keeping me in place. It's keeping my brain healthy.

I have lost myself before. I have completely disappeared before. I was almost there before I met Conrad. I was almost gone. I was losing me again. If I didn't have him, do I go back to showing up at the house uninvited, and waiting for bedroom doors to open? Do I go back to being lectured that "we all have different schedules, and if you feel like you're not a part of the family, that's your own fault." Do I go back to building stupid resentments against the only people I have because they have their own lives?

Tell me what you want me to do. Conrad makes me happy, and less empty, and human. He is a big reason why I'm making it. We are all grieving, and doing it differently, and remember? That's OKAY!! Stop telling me I'm doing it wrong, please.

Answer my phone calls. Call me back. Treat me like a person instead of a "problem" that's yet to be resolved. Don't leave me here like this, not now. It's cruel. I love you, and need you, and I've said it over and over again.

I have always been family obsessed to the point of destruction. The Berg kids, anyone? Letters to the Elgards? I want family, all the time, all around. I would never intentionally jeopardize or give that up. I'm just like Mom that way. She loved her family. All of it.

It's so hard to not have a family to talk about all of the things that are going on in my life. I'm being told by complete strangers how proud they are of me. How I'm doing amazing things, and working for the Lord. I wrote the Christmas play. I hear it was really good. Conrad came to church with me. He liked it. I went through a class, have a mentor, I'm getting baptized. I'm actually terrified, and can't talk to any of you about it. I don't know if any of you will show up. It's so hard to hear from everyone BUT your family, that you're doing everything right. My family is telling me I'm doing everything wrong.

Sunnie, you claimed even up until now that I'm the one staying away, and none of you have forced me away from you. If that were true...oh, if that were true. You told me I couldn't just come into your home. You were right. Not only that, but I feel remarkably unwelcome. On top of everything, I have a very broken car. I've been housebound for days. Funds are nonexistent, and I'm getting creative. Conrad is working every day, so I get rides TO work from Sarah, and either walk or bum a ride from coworkers home. (Sarah is hardly ever EVER here. It's awesome. Not.) So, I'm not staying away, regardless of what you might be thinking. I've been given zero options.

The other day, Sunnie, I thought you and I were making progress. We texted like you said, for about an hour. Then you stopped, claimed I needed to learn to stop lying to you and about you. I've long since learned my lesson about "improving the truth" when it comes to family. If you think I'm lying, I have an idea for you. Talk TO me, instead of ABOUT me. Otherwise, you're doing exactly what you were accusing me of. That would be very hypocritical.

I'm not a monster, I'm not a villain. I'm still just Corrie, but a Corrie who's struggling just like the rest of you. I miss you. All of you. There's a hole in my heart, and it's creating actual physical pain. I told Mom all the time that the brain has a whole lot to do with how you're feeling physically. You have to have a healthy mind to have a healthy body. I'm failing at taking my own advice. I got really "Corrie lung sick" and stayed that way. Can't seem to get better, because my head is a mess.

Please, can we please be done now?

I love you. So, so so much...

-Corrie


From: Sunnie Killmer
Subject: Re: sisters
To: "Corrie Killmer"
Date: Tuesday, January 19, 2010, 11:08 AM

Corrie~

My dearest sister, I am going to be honest. I do not know what to say to you ever. It's not me ignoring you, it's me so confused and struggling with this time of year. I have shut down, at least for a little while. I can't write to you or say things to you, because in your mind, I am always going to be wrong. I realize you felt I was being condescending, but I was speaking from the heart. What you take as hurt, I wish you could realize I have nothing but love and concern for you. I would love nothing more than to have my sister back, especially right now. But things don't happen over night. None of us know the right things to do, but we're surely learning along the way. Right now, you feel Conrad is what you need. While I respect that, and understand what you're saying ~ I do not agree with it. I support YOU. I love YOU. I need YOU. I am proud of YOU. We all need family. We will get through this crappy time...eventually. But know your family is not out to get you. We know you the best, whether you choose to believe that or not. We may not know your deepest darkest secrets that you share with your friends and Conrad, but we know Corrie. I am giving you space. I want you and Dad to talk. I finally did with him, and layed everything on the table. All my fears about him, all the things that made me angry and sad, and what I needed from him. He says because I did that, he for some reason is happier, even after the loss of his father. As we feel lonley and lost, and we miss Mama, remember...he lost his wife. He is learning to be a single parent. WE are learning how to still grow up. This is a major major learning time for all of us. Wouldn't it be nice to do it together?

~Sunnie


Sunnie, I agree with you completely. I WANT to talk to Dad. His silence is killing me. I've called, left voicemails, sent texts, I cant drive over, I'm stuck. This is so frustrating. I want us to do this all together, but I'm kinda stuck on the other side of the door. I know you're confused and struggling, because I am right along side there with you.

Conrad has changed, and you don't know this version of him. If he ends up being one giant mistake, he will be MY mistake, without an "I told you so" attached. At least I hope so. I really don't think he is a mistake though, Sunnie. He may not be my forever, but he has been a vital friend and companion. I know you can understand that, because you have that in Paul. He will just let you cry.

I don't always think you're wrong, Sunnie. I listen to what you say, and I think about it. I can tell you I've changed, but that takes seeing me, hearing me, knowing me. The classes I took have really...well, I can't explain it. They made me do a lot of writing, and that's something that I learn from very well, writing. Lots of self exploration.

I know you love me, Sunnie, and you're concerned for me. I wish I could tell you you don't have to be, but I know that won't work. I'm constantly concerned about you too. That's why I talked to Sam. I hope you understand that. You were upset about Dad, and I was worried about you. You said how hard it was to be in that house, and I was just so happy that your friend was home. I spoke out of turn, and I'm very sorry for that. I think Dad may have been told I was "bad mouthing" him. I can't think of another reason for him to completely ignore me... my heart is broken. I miss him so much. All of you...

Thank you so much for writing back and breaking the silence. You don't have to overthink or analyze what to say to me or when to say it. If its gonna hurt, I'll get over it. If its on your mind, I want to hear it. There's nothing you can't tell me. I may not agree with it, but thats bound to happen.

I'm getting too wordy and this is turning into a novel. I'm sorry, its the cabin fever. ALthough I did scrub my entire carpet and give Dodger a really bad haircut, and cleaned the microwave, and scrubbed the bathtub, blah blah blah etc etc. My car MAY be fixed today. Or tomorrow. Or not. Who knows?

I want to say one more thing. I acted out of frustration when I talked to Kelly, and I really regret that. Most of the things I said were true, but I also knew how hurt and upset you were in each situation, and didn't properly express that. I DID make you look bad to Kelly, and was acting out of hurt and misunderstanding. I want everyone to like Conrad, and that's never going to happen.

He really does try all the time to "let me go" and says that I shouldn't put him before my family. I'm not trying to, and he doesn't want me to. He offers to "step aside" so that I can have my family back, because he's the problem. He really isn't the problem though. I am. It all stems back to me, doesn't it? I shouldn't have told him you mentioned the money. None of this would have ever happened. I didn't think it was a big deal at all, but it grew like a weed and now I'm paying the price. One little sentence screwed me over, didn't it? I had no idea...

Anyway. I love you so much. I hope I see you Sunday...

-Corrie

From: Kellene Killmer
Subject: Re: sisters
To: "Corrie Killmer"
Date: Wednesday, January 20, 2010, 7:46 PM

Corrie,

I haven't been ignoring you. I know it looks that way, as if I just didn't want to communicate with you, but that was not the case. It was not for lack of wanting, but for lack of knowing how.

You knew about my crisis of faith, as did the rest of the family. The thing is, I didn't really talk to the rest of the family about it, other than that one IM argument with Sunnie. After that I felt like I was the black sheep, and I honestly don't know if this was deliberate or not on your part, but I have to be honest about me feelings - I feel like you let me go on thinking I couldn't talk to the rest of the family, that they were angry with me, etc. You didn't say anything about Dad being upset with me, but you said Sunnie and Grandma were, and I kept my distance. Obviously, the issues they had with me (which I know were real) were in no way your fault, they were about me, but I didn't know that they were open to talking to me and weren't judging me, and I don't know if you knew that or not, but I think it suited you better if I didn't.

I don't want any of this to sound like an attack, I'm just trying to tell you what I've been trying to sort through for the last few weeks. It came as quite a blow when I found out the story you told about Sunnie throwing a full can of soda at your head was a lie. You can call it an embellishment or an exaggeration, but the fact is you inflated or inserted elements and presented them to me as fact, but they were not true. I know your frustration with Sunnie was real, but what you said about her horrified me, made me feel more distant from her, distrustful of her, and aghast that she could do something so violent. It deeply colored my feelings for her between the time you told that story and the time I found out the truth, and I realized I'd been shunning her based on a fabrication. I was stunned. This was the first lie I heard about, it opened the door, and stories kept coming.

I know why you wanted to keep me separate, and in a small way I understand it, but it hurts me in a way I can't describe. I was lead to believe lies about my family, lies that kept me from feeling that I could be connected to them without feeling judged, and it appears to be so that you could tell me lies about Conrad. I know, you don't think they're lies, maybe only embellishments or improved truths, lies of omission and what not, but it all shocked me. You tried to paint a pretty picture for me of this harmonious life with Conrad to which the rest of the family had inexplicable objections, but that portrait was undeniably retouched. I heard about him demanding that you cancel a lunch with Grandma to spend time with him. I've heard how he thinks Granted is a stupid waste of time. I've heard about you making tentative plans with Sunnie and then breaking them to be with Conrad. Those things hurt, and I know you know that, because that has been done to you. I didn't mean, in my text, to allude that I wouldn't speak to you until you broke up with Conrad, I meant that I would be there for you when it ends, but in the mean time I didn't want to be a pawn in the middle anymore, lied to about my family so I can be lied to about Conrad. I felt extremely hurt and manipulated. I don't want this to make you angry, I just think you need to know how it made me feel. And I know that right now you think you need Conrad and you're looking at him through a filter that only allows you to focus on the best parts, but he's scary. My own observations combined with the other side of the story I now have give me cause to be very concerned for you. When you were here last July and he was texting you all night long, getting pissed at you if you fell asleep and didn't text him back - you thought that was ridiculous, it freaked you out, and you even said you were going to break up with him when you got home. I know, I know, you're going to minimize it now, you're going to say he's changed, but that's not a simple, modifiable behavior, that's a symptom of some deep, psychological possessiveness that will turn ugly. It's not an if. You're not going to want to hear this, but I'm writing to be honest so here it is - that's a lot like Craig. He was insanely jealous and possessive of Mom, even while cheating on her. Does that mean Conrad is Craig 2.0? I have no idea. Does it look like a warning sign? Absolutely.

A couple of nights ago I read the journal that Mom wrote for me when I was a baby. I didn't know about it until after she died. I couldn't get through it last year, it was too emotional, but this time I read it through and I learned a few things. One, kind of a side note - did you know Mom used to spell your name with a K? I don't think it was ever legal, maybe she was just trying it out, but she didn't write your name with a C until an entry she made in 1986. I think maybe it was one of her quiet rebellions against Craig, even if he didn't know about it, like when she changed my name at the hospital from Kelly to Kellene, since he wouldn't let her name me Autumn. Between a couple of pages near the pack of the journal, there was a yellowed piece of looseleaf notepaper on which she'd written a prayer, and it clearly came from a place of both fear and determination, wanting Craig to just go and stop hurting her, wanting to learn to protect us. It reminded me of my fears for you, and I think I should share it with you, because I think Mom might say something similar now, if she could.

"Do not take what is from my body, do not wonder or look our way, leave alone in your nightmare, disintegrate. This is an abomination, one I can scarcely write about, the fear itself is crippling. I hate your world, it is a bad world, leave this place, be taken out of this universe. God, comfort every parents' worries, shield us from this evil one, lift this worry from us, let this not happen anymore, let this be my plea. I am so grateful for your gift to me, others have ached so, I ache with them, I cannot comprehend, this is madness; the ultimate. I pray to you oh Lord, to show me always the signs of danger, to prevent this, I put my family in your hands, to protect and to guide, to love forever. Keep us as one, always, please. Amen."

I'm not trying to be heavy handed, I'm just trying to share with you what's on my hear regarding you and Conrad, the things you've said about him that contradict one another, and even your defense of him says he gets angry quick;y and snaps, and it's not okay. It isn't something you have to justify or tiptoe around. I know you're terrified to be alone and right now that makes you feel comforted, but I don't want to see you end up like Mom did. I don't want to see you scared and regretful. I almost got myself into that position with Benlee, because I was too ashamed of what you discovered about him to talk to anyone about it, and I was LIVID with you for calling Mom and Dad and telling them what you found. I felt humiliated and like it was a reflection on me, and I didn't want anyone to know. The fact is, Corrie, you probably saved my life. Not saying I'd be dead now, but I don't think I'd have any kind of life that anyone would want. You were bold enough and you loved me enough to let me be pissed at you if that was the outcome, and I'm willing to do the same for you. I love you, and I think you need to love yourself more - by which I mean know yourself, understand yourself, and don't be afraid of being just Corrie. You don't need Conrad to be complete. You don't need him to remind you to pay bills or to keep you company. I know how scary it is to admit that, because I was in the same place with Benlee. Good grief, picture him - talk about settling! But that's how low my self-esteem was at the time. I didn't love myself enough to want better, and I was afraid of losing the crap I had. Can you imagine being afraid to lose Benlee? Yuck. Hindsight is 20/20 though, you know.

All that said, if you choose to stay with Conrad at this point, I'm not cutting ties. You're my sister, I love you tremendously, and I would never cut you out of my life. If I see Conrad in person again I will be personable and polite. I won't be antagonistic or snide. I have said my piece and you know what I think, so I don't need to keep beating you over the head with it. You're an adult and you can make your own decisions. I just hope that you make decisions that strengthen you and help you succeed, and make you truly, truly happy without have to make justifications.

I love you, Corrie, and I wish you more than the best of the best,

Kelly


Kelly-

The biggest problem here is actual physical distance. You are not here, and therefore are being met with a slew of "she said/he said/we saids" and you know what? You are constantly going to hear a million different stories.

As far as your faith struggle, I never ONCE kept you away from talking to anyone. I was completely honest. If they were open to talking to you about it, that's not what they conveyed to me. I was supporting and loving you as best I could. I would never keep your family from you, Kelly. Good grief.

I do not lie about Conrad. I simply don't. At this point, whether or not anyone believes me is irrelevant. i know the truth, and that's good enough for me. This is where you'll be met with conflicting stories, and I will let it be. I haven't got any fight left in me, and a reevaluation of my own life has really put things into perspective, and I'm moving beyond all of this.

Sunnie has been hurt, as I have been. It's rocky and stressed. She and I will have to agree to disagree about things that have happened in the past. I have never canceled plans with her in favor of Conrad. I know how much that hurts too. But I'm not going to combat every point you made.

I did not intend to create a separation, and I recall vividly the things I said to you. I know I'm not crazy. THe only things I had embellished on, was her selling moms stuff without ever talking to me. She talked to me about most things, but it was the few she didn't that hurt and created all of the turmoil in that regard.

Anyway, enough. As you came to be resolved in your happiness with Matt regardless of family opinion, I am the same with Conrad. He's not anywhere close to a Craig, or a Benlee... I've told you wonderful things about him because they were true, and you being my sister, I wanted to share that joy with you. I've no reason to lie about Conrad, or to badmouth the family to make him sound better.

There's one giant fault in your comparisons Kelly. When you were with Benlee, you still had a Mother. The stresses and pressures I've placed on Conrad were nonexistent in your world.

All right, I'm emailed out now. I will talk to you later.

Love,

Corrie

I finished the book. I wrote a book. I wrote a novel. I have no idea what to do next. AHHHH craziness.

There's a lot of crazy going on in my head, actually. Trying to figure out what I want, what should change, if I want what I have or if I have what I want, I have no clue. Is what could be what should be? Or is what is already what I need? If you think YOU'RE confused, you should see what's going on in this brain of mine. Good glory.

I'm missing mom a lot lately. I'm taking a journey to membership class at church, and we had to tell our stories of faith. My story of faith is a rocky one at best. I cried. Then I felt stupid.

I am dating Conrad. I write this down more as a point of reference than anything. Everything, even relationships feel so unbelievably temporary. I am constantly expecting things to end or change dramatically. Maybe that's a side effect from losing my mom. Who knows?

I guess I'm not really in the mood to write. Go figure. And I call myself a writer. Maybe tomorrow. I'm tired. Again. Still. Sleep sounds good. I'll go do that.

Night night.

Everybody has problems. Everybody has pain. Everyone has different life experiences and ways of dealing with them. I feel like people think I'm doing it wrong, all of it.

My mom's death has transformed itself into an actual physical wound. The difference between this loss and a flesh wound, is that there is no single point of impact. You can feel it throughout your entire body.

Like any wound, it's been bandaged over and over again. If I leave it alone, I can barely feel it. I've managed to numb the pain with various distractions and "medicines", but these things are only temporary.

The wound has been reopened and re-injured. I'll stumble into something and tear into it. Other have unintentionally bumped into it, and all of the sudden the pain is searing back into me, the trauma blazing back to life.

It's my own personal broken record, and I can almost feel the eyes rolling around me when it jumps and skips back to the hardest times. How can I move forward? How can I fix it? How can I be expected to be okay?

I've met several new people lately, but typically in the friend of a friend sense. Every single person has been made aware of my "situation" before I ever lay eyes on them. I have become the girl who took care of her mother until she died. The girl with the dead Mom. The girl with the nightmares. The girl with the drama. My sadness has become my identity without my permission.

I don't want to be the one who is pitied. I don't want to be the one who is fragile. I don't want to be the one who is avoided. It's an endless cycle of walking on eggshells, both by me and those around me. Those around me tread carefully in an effort not to trigger the sad girl, whereas I watch myself carefully to make sure I don't make anyone the least bit uncomfortable. None of us are being real, none of us are truly existing in each others presence. Nobody is being themselves.

It's a lonely place, here inside my head. I don't know where else to go. I have to be someone else in every setting. How long can I keep that up? I've been a thousand different people over the last ten years.

I do my laundry at my Dad's house. The laundry room is one of the few rooms in the house that hasn't been cleaned out yet. My mom's things are everywhere, including her written instructions on how to do laundry. Every time I do down there, I can hear her, feel her, even smell her. When I start going down the basement stairs, I can hear her calling to me, asking me to carry the laundry baskets up to her room.

I have to reopen the wound over and over again. I have to actually remind myself that she's gone, and there is no later. The things she looked forward to will NOT happen. The trip she and I planned to Hawaii will not take place. She is gone. I have to remind myself to remember that again and again and again, and it's just as fresh as it always was. It's a brand new pain, an intense sting. There's no way to explain it to onlookers who seem to resent me for it.

How can you lose someone like that and then forget they're gone? Maybe it's a defense mechanism. But it seems like pure sabotage to have to realize it again and again. It's murderously horrible.

I want to be around someone who will allow me to not be okay, who won't ask questions every time they see a tear, and just allow me to be sad when the sadness hits. I don't need to be interrogated, I don't need to be criticized for 'keeping it all inside', let me come to you, don't force me out. Hold me.

I've written before about how my Grandma told my mom not to be afraid to pray specifically. My mom prayed for a man to come into her life, down to the details. She got everything she wanted in my Dad, all the way down to his double stainless steel kitchen sink. I have my list. It's very specific, just like hers was. Is it possible? Yes. Will he want me? That would be the question. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be a part of this mess that I've become 'til death do us part'... but there's a plan, and I'm a part of it. So I've been told...

I feel like the life I've been waiting my whole life to start living has already started. This is it, now what? Make the best of it. You only have the one life, so I hope I'm able to do something extraordinary with it. Some say I already have. All I've done is love everyone I can as much as I can. I don't know any other way.

It takes a lot for me to let someone in completely. To allow myself to really truly love them. When and if that ever happens, it will be forever. That's something to look forward to, I suppose. I look forward to anything that means the ease of isolation. That's why I make stupid decisions about stupid people. Blah.

That would be a novel in and of itself. Speaking of novels, I need to write one. Nearing the end... and maybe the beginning? That would be lovely...

I don't know if life is getting easier, or if I am just getting better at surviving it. Sometimes I think I have successfully dealt with a situation or memory, only to realize later that I had only stuffed it away, ignoring it for as long as possible.

Every once in awhile, nostalgia will ram into me harder than I'm prepared for. The tiniest thing will trigger it. A song, a phrase, a color... I miss my Mama. I miss my friend. I miss the person I did everything with.

I find that I'm irritated easily these days. People tend to complain about the most frivolous things. I almost resent them for it. If I were being honest, it's not almost. I am resenting them for it. People complaining about the tedious tasks and repetitive nature of the job at Caribou is really getting on my nerves. It's your job. Do it. Stop complaining about the same things over and over again.

The person I had lamented the short dating life with before, has turned out to be someone I am positive I don't want to date. Ironic, isn't it? I've spent a great deal of time with him. I know him. Most days it would be difficult to detect whether or not he even likes me. Besides, I am almost certain my heart has landed elsewhere. We will leave that alone for now.

I repeated my visit to New York to stay with Kelly this summer. I took a ten day vacation, and finally saw all of the touristy things in New York I had never been able to see before. I didn't see them to the full extent I would have liked to see them, but we will do that next time. Next time accompanied with someone special, I'm sure of it. At least I am hoping for it...

I am close to finishing Granted, but still so very far away. Finishing it terrifies me and thrills me simultaneously. I wish I knew what would happen, so I know how broken I would end up being if the book never happened. I have accidentally pegged my entire future existence on it...

Sunnie and Paul have moved back into the house with my Dad and Jamison. It was a brilliant idea all around, and everyone will benefit. I feel like I am gaining my family back, bit by bit by bit.

Dad has taken up cigars. 21 years of no smoking down the drain. Way to go. It's not cigarettes, I know. Yet. He reeks of smoke, and I can't stand it.

Well, I have some writing to do I suppose. I need to finish it. I need to find out what happens next in both stories, the book and my own life. Please let it go the way I want it to, please please please...

Dear Lord... you know the desires of my heart, and if I haven't too badly screwed up my chances, I hope and I pray that my plan matches up with your plan. Help me stifle the stupidness, and allow me to let go of the fear and apprehension. Help me take a leap, Lord. Help me fall into your arms. Amen.

Melancholy is my state of late. This is not news. I realize that my mood may appear to be somewhat bi-polar. I've been accused of this already. However, your diagnosis is incorrect. The downward spirals are simply the cracks in my otherwise perfect demeanor.

I can't really decide what to think or how to feel. My head is constantly full of images and memories, as well as thoughts and ideas, wishes and fantasies, regrets and torments...

I lost my Mom. She's gone on to another place, but I'm still here. I feel that aside from losing her, I've lost my entire family. I've lost friends. I've ended up in this strange wasteland completely void of vital human interaction.

I know that everyone deals with grief differently. I know that I can't be upset with any member of my family, because we're all going through something awful, and it would be undeniably selfish to think that I should be the focus of anyone's attention. At the same time, however, I'd like to be on the radar.

Sunnie and Paul are newlyweds, and living a few towns over. They're dealing with their own difficult transitions, and I know that. I just want to be called, invited, instead of doing all of the calling and inviting.

My Dad has sort of shut himself off. If I don't go to him, I won't hear from him for weeks. He cries to me, and tells me how he's feeling. Who do I cry to? I don't have another parent. I know he's really hurting... but he makes empty promises that are just killing me. He apologizes, but... I can't be the only one leaned on, relied on.

Jamie deals with things by holing up in the basement alone. I don't hear from him unless he wants something. I call him fairly often, and together with Jason from Calvary have urged him back toward the worship team.

Kelly is the person I talk to the most often, and the only member of the family that doesn't live in this state, aside from Candace. Candace has just reentered the family, so to speak, so honestly it it would be stranger to hear from her than it would to not.

I am the only one of us who lives alone. It hurts that no one comes to me, but I'm not supposed to expect them to. It's a problem. It's an endless cycle of hurt and disappointment.

Lately I had been talking more frequently to a friend of mine. A guy friend. I had one extremely frustrating and emotionally draining day. He showed up and forced me out of my shell, and we watched a movie. It became an instant routine, and I loved it. Aside from the movies, we talked. We talked for hours, and it felt amazing. He was completely listening to everything I said. He was being a fantastic friend.

This friend believed himself to be ugly and unlikeable. I knew that was completely untrue, because I was remarkably attracted to him. I told him the truth about my liking him, just to sort of knock the insecurities out of his brain. He said he could never date me, because of his friendship with one of my family members. He changed his mind, and asked me out. 2 days later... hahaha. Mind changed again, the fear of losing said friendship a mounting concern.

It was disappointing, to say the least. We barely happened, but I had wanted us to. There have been several 'options' lately, and I honestly thought that I had become incapable of feeling. I was completely numb, and every man I met was just... blah.

With this friend though, I felt butterflies. I was so excited to feel those little buggers again, that I'm sure my head got carried away faster than it should have. I could FEEL things, and it was amazing.

He had allowed me to be myself, and to talk, and to be open, and I can't remember the last time someone offered that to me as an option. Too often have I been expected to stuff it all away and wear the brave face for someone else's benefit. It was expected so many times, that soon I just started doing it regardless of if I needed to or not. It was so refreshing to be forced to talk. I would mutter something and say a quick nevermind, to which he would reply "no tell me" until I caved. I WANTED to tell him. I wanted someone to know me, and he appeared to want to. It just felt so good...

Anyway, it's already over. It's like I watched the teaser trailer for "Happy; the new frontier in the life of Corrie Killmer".. and it was over way too soon. I do feel teased. I feel a little angry, with a bit of a 'that's not fair' vibe attached.

I had given him my best speech on how living in fear isn't living. You have to get up after you fall. Sure, I've had failures but at least I know I tried, and I lived. I also mentioned that I didn't understand why people enter into relationships expecting them to end, let alone end badly. Why would you do that?? One day at a time, friends! One day at a time.

Alas, to no avail. He maintains that the fear of friendships being lost is his primary motivation for not pursuing our relationship, however, the paranoid brain that I have has adopted several other scenarios and insecurities, and I hate myself for it. I know that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with life... but it's so much easier the other way around! If life were just bomb awesome, I think I would be pretty happy with myself!! If people weren't disappearing and dying, and if books were miraculously published, and if men weren't so fickle... *sigh* I'd feel great.

So, that's my babble for now. More to come, I'm sure.