The last entry I wrote disappeared, so I kinda lost interest in this journal for awhile. And then Kelly arrived almost a week ago, and things were...different. I haven't had the time to write, I guess. But now I do, after being sent to my room like a 2 year old for the 20th time this week. Why this time? Because Kelly called me a Nazi, and I told her to shut up and stop calling me names. I got in trouble.

She called me a Nazi, because she was eating the ice cream Sunnie and I got for Christmas, and I growled at her for not asking my permission. She yelled back with "Corrie! You're such a Nazi, and you're so selfish! I'm sick and my throat hurts." (Word to the wise...dairy is the LAST thing you consume if you have a bad cold...duh!)

So, ever since Kelly arrived...I realized something. I didn't miss her as much as I thought. Her need to constantly belittle me so she can stand firmly superior wasn't missed...just forgotten. I forgot how small she makes me feel. And of course, since she's the eldest, and the one who has returned to mother dearest after four months...she's been endlessly praised, while I've been criticized for not being more like her...

I've cried too many tears this week. I'm back to invisible. It's not all Kelly's fault, and of course...we've had our fun. But I can't take all this again...now I remember what it feels like, and how much my entire body aches at the end of every day when the pressure starts to let up.

She arrived on December 23rd, and the next day was Christmas Eve. Holidays are never carefree at the Killmer house. My mother was a ball of stress for no reason, because the children were the ones doing everything. Nagging, yelling, pain pain pain. We ate some snacks and opened presents. I started to feel bad for my mom, because everything Kelly and Sunnie got from her seemed to be tossed aside unwanted. They didn't keep their opinions to themselves, either.

I got "Scene it?" so I was happy. (A DVD movie trivia game) It ended well enough, with me getting up extra early to clean up the HUGE mess left from gifts and food, so as to avoid the inevitable storm to follow. Then I was designated the official turkey baster..fun fun fun. My grandpa had flown in from Arizona for christmas for the first time in over 12 years. We were very very excited. But of course, my mom made it rather hellish with her continuous contradictory remarks of "Why is no one helping me in here!" and "Get out of here, I need to work by myself!" She even took to calling me useless when I tried to do all 3 billion and 50 chores at once she had given me... My mother was convinced everyone was out to get her, causing my father to almost cry before he retreated to the basement. She claimed she was as cheery as could be, while we were all spoiling her holiday. Yep...that's right. ALL OF US were the problem. She's perfect.

My grandpa, however (her father) actually stated "Penny really does drive those girls crazy, doesn't she?" to my grandma. FINALLY some recognition! We're not insane! WOO-HOO! Anyway...Christmas flew by, with my mom forbidding us from talking or laughing at the table. My grandpa gave us each $20, and then Kelly and I split to go see "Cold Mountain". It was good.....

The next day, Kelly, Diana and I went to Duluth to spend the day/night at Diana's apartment. Nothing too exciting. We basically just played "Scene It?" The whole time. Awesome, awesome movie buff's game.

We game home from Duluth on the 27th, and then I went to Target to spend a gift card. (It WAS for Candace...but due to some...difficulties...all of Candace's presents were distributed amongst the family) I got some LOTR books, some soup, a movie, and my mom made me buy her some coffee filters... Then TODAY!

I got up for church. Took an hour to convince Kelly and Jamie to go. I felt sooooo not good. I had slept in crappy positions during the whole Duluth thing, so i was in major major pain. (That combined with car accident injuries) Having not slept much at all last night, because of pain, I decided not to drive. No big deal, I always go with Sunnie. But Sunnie and Kelly insisted I drive, because of space. There was enough space, they just...yeah. I couldn't turn my neck (not safe for driving) and I had the worst worst worst feeling...whenever I've had those, something really really really bad happens. But like I'm gonna tell them that! They'd laugh in my face. I was seriously...so not okay feeling! So I said I wouldn't drive. (Besides, I hate driving with kelly in the car...passenger seat driver to the MAX!!!!) Then they both set in on me. Boy did they ever. Kelly couldn't drive because she was "dizzy". Whatever...Kelly is so good at making you feel like you're the smallest most insignificant unworthy being on the face of the planet, I swear. ANYWAY!

So I told them Jamie and I would go to Eaglebrook with Granny. So we did. After Kelly badmouthed me some more. Grandma was the happiest person alive though, I swear. She said she had been really depressed every week, because she was all by herself. I still don't like that church though. But i have no idea where else I fit in. I'm lost...

So! After church we were all...I was cleaning. Sunnie and Kelly were elsewhere. Jamie was playing. Mom was grring at me about not doing enough housework. Then Kelly and Sunnie came home, and we played with our cell phones and got new backgrounds and rings. (Background= Pirates, Ring = I Move On from Chicage)

Mom started shrieking, saying "Get out of the house! I want it to myself so I can do houseowrk! (All of which I had already done) So we decided to go see a movie. Then...Nikki called. We had absolutely nothing to talk about. The only person she had had time to see was Lurae. Isn't that special? Grand, fantastic. Last night I had a dream I told her I hated her, and she said "I know." I don't hate her of course, but apparently my subconscious does...hmmm... NO! Don't think so. I'm just...hurt by my own insignificance, I guess. Ahhh....

So! We had a boring awkward conversation about nothing. Then my spirits just...went flat, and my soul felt like it was deflating. Without saying a word, I got ready to leave. Jamie noticed, and followed me to the car. Then Kelly got the hint and got in after me. I'm back to that point in life when every little thing irritates me. Like, Jamie had movied my car trash sack to the other side, and I freaked out, yelping "This is MY car!" So, we drove to the theater in near silence. Then thank GOD! Jessi called my cell phone. My only friend! I was overjoyed. She invited me to her birthday party next weekend. Then she noticed I sounded a bit...weird. So we decided she would come over tonight around 7, and she'd give me my birthday present, and we'd chat.

So! We saw "Cheaper By The Dozen" which was very enjoyable. Then I went home, showered, organized my DVD wallet, and then Jessi came. She gave me a Spanish choir CD from Spain, awesome awesome. And she also gave me a chocolate bar from Spain. AWESOME! Then we chatted. I love her...she just...always helps me. Then we played two games of "Scene It?" and then one game of "Lord of the Rings" Monopoly, The Trilogy Edition. Then she went home. That's when I got sent to my room, for getting upset that Kelly ate my ice cream... Life's peachy keen fantastic, can you tell?

So, another compaining entry, but seriously. When else do you write? So the entry that got deleted was about Jessi coming home, i think. And she and I and her mom going to see return of the king...it was fantastic, and I was ecstatic to have her back home. She's going to Mexico next month for another three months, but then I have her for the summer. We're gonna make a movie or write a play. We haven't decided yet...

Well, one true friend in life makes it a life worth living, right? So I gotta keep going, because I've got something going for me. Besides...if I died now, I'd never meet Mister Wonderful...whoever THAT is....riiiight.

Over and out, I love all of my invisible faithful readers.

Peace out, yo...

Corrie

Happy Thursday! No, not really. It's a tired and yet busy Thursday. But it's my cousin Alyssa's birthday today *smiles* Hope she has a good one!

I had fun yesterday. It was good. I worked at the Tea Room, and got off early, because I had something to do! Tuesday night, I called Jessi, who is home now YAY! We decided to see LOTR together, opening night. I got to go with her and her mommy. ANYWAY! After the Tea Room (Which when I got there, they had a platter of birthday cookies waiting for me...awww...) I went to go pick Jessi up at her house. Then we went to the theater to buy our tickets in advace (Which turned out to be a very wise move!)

Then we bought candy, and then hung out at her house and watched some LOTR/Orlando footage I had taped while she was in Spain. We ate some pizza, and then her mom came home. I had given Jessi her Christmas present early, so she was eager to show it off. It's a pretty frame that says LOVE, with two silver hearts and a pink bow...in the frame was a picture of her and Orlando Bloom on their vacation to the Caribbean...at least that's what I made it look like!

So, we went to the theater an hour early, GOOD MOVE...and st in the very last row. It was fun, we laughed hysterically for an hour...stupid jokes. Then the movie started, and I'm telling you...it was incredible. I couldn't breathe through half of it I was so involved! Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. it was so good, people. It really was. I was so worked up duing it, I wasted all remaining energy. I got home a little before 11 (The movie started at 7:30) And then couldn't sleep, because I had passed from tired to loopy. So guess what time I got up this morning?? 5 am. Geez! I had to work at 6...I'm real bright. But I have an hour and 45 minutes left...and then I can go take a nap. Yeah right! My mom is home. It's not gonna happen. Well...hmmm...

It's time to go back to work already! Ahhhh....*whines* Oh, well. I guess something interesting must be happening later, because I have nothing else to write about right now... argh swash swash buckle buckle...haha! That never gets old...

Over and out!

ME

Guess who's 20? Guess! Who am I talking to?? Geez. Anyway! So, yesterday was my birthday. It was just like last year...meaning...it didn't really happen. I secretly had my hopes up for a surprise party...but I also knew it wouldn't happen. So i don't know which part of me was disappointed.

It was just another day, I swear. I woke up...Sunnie text messaged me a happy birthday (Because we both have cell phones now!) and then I went downstairs. My mom was whining and complaining about how miserable she was, then said she had to go to the doctor. So she did. I was alone for a few hours, and watched Montel... family reunions. THEN...my mom calls me, all dramatic and what not, saying "I'm having a panic attack, you need to come here right now and take my place." Then she hung up. So I went to HealthPartners, and passed my mom in the street as she was coming home.

I went and waited in the lobby, really unsure as to why I was there. And guess how many people were in that lobby? Geez! I had to stand! So after about an hour, I called my mom to ask why the heck I was there. She was upset, and told me I was waiting for her test results, and then was to pay for her prescriptions....AHH!

So I went and asked for her test results after waiting for another hour...screaming children everywhere. Then I just was like... "My mom called me with this overly dramatic panic attack plea for me to come and sit here, and this is not where I want to spend my birthday!" Then they just nodded and said "Is Penny Killmer your mother?" Then I smiled. They told me to take a seat, they'd be right with me. And they were! Long story short...I spent the rest of my tiny supply of Christmas money on her medicine.

After that, I picked Sunnie up (Whose car is beyond dead...) And we went to pick up our paychecks. Along with our checks, we got Christmas Cards! Inside each was a $15 gift certificate for Festival, as well as a coupon for a free half gallon of ice cream. So that really was the best part of my birthday. Sunnie and I zipped around the store picking out little treats to stash in our rooms away from my mom. Not all of it was junk food though!

We then went to my granny's to give her one of the ice creams, because she's obsessed, and we didn't need two. We stuck around there for a bit, and then we went to the bank to cash our checks. Then I had to go back to Healthpartners, and spend half my check on the rest of my mom's prescriptions!!!

Then we went home, and Sunnie fell asleep. Jamie was @ school, then at his friend's, and my mom slept all day. Alone again. Happy, happy birthday. Sunnie woke up at around 5:15, and then it was time for her to go to church! She said I should go with her, so I wouldn't be alone. So, I went. And guess what I did? Sat by myself on the couch while she had a leader's meeting. I never felt more stupid...so I called Kelly on my cell phone (Free mobile to mobile you know) and then...cried. I told her about the whole day, and then it turned into a Nikki discussion.

Needless to say, I was all red and blotchy and I kept having coughing attacks. Now, i need to back up and explain something real quick. Sunnie's boyfriend Paul? Yeah...he has an older brother named Ryan. My mom keeps asking Sunnie to set me up with him. That's...SILLY! I've never met the guy! Sunnie's always like "Oh, he's hot!" which means...yeah right on my end. So, my mom always talks about it. Always...grr. You get it, right? Anyway! At our Christmas party, my mom brings it up to Paul's mom Kathy. Corrie and Ryan should be set up. HAH! Not funny! They talked about it for awhile. My mom told me about it later. Kathy was for it, I guess...

I get along with both of their parents, so my parents think it's perfect. So! Last night, all blotchy, teary eyed and coughing up a lung...the room is suddenly flooded with people. I tell Kelly I have to go. I struggle for breath as I see Kathy and a tall dark handsome stranger approach the couch where I was sitting. (Sunnie was sitting on the arm of it, next to me.) Kathy smiles and says "Ryan, have you met Sunnie's sister Corrie?" He says "No, I haven't." And sticks out his hand. I stop coughing long enough to say nice to meet you. He says nice to meet you too. Then I continue hacking up..something...cough caused tears running down my face. Kathy laughs and says "She's sick. Jump back!" And I was...so embarrassed!

I told my mom about it, telling her to give up, I coughed all over him, it wasn't gonna happen. EVER! I also told Kelly about it, who both said "You're gonna marry him!" I was completely dumbfounded, thinking...wha---? Then my mom explained "The most embarrassing emetings are the most memorable. When I met your dad, I had come from the dentist and my moth was full of gauze and I was drooling as I asked for some stamps. You know how that ended up." Kelly had similar logic. But seriously! I've had enough embarassing opposite sex encounters to last me for multiple lifetimes! Am I really going to have that many marriages?

So, we left church early when mom called and told me dinner was ready. We had roast and homemade mashed potatoes...my request. Then Paul came by to share in the festivities. I opened presents while my mom hurried me along (She was NOT feeling well) I got some games, a necklace, a book, some socks, a box, a CD...and then it was time for cake. They had forgotten birthday candles, so I blew out one of my mom's decorative candles instead...my dad's idea. Then Sunnie walked Paul out...and my dad Jamie and I figured out how to set up and play my new game. Clue FX...I love Clue, so this was even better. Wanna come play it with me anyone?

So, no friends on my birthday...but that's okay. I have to start getting used to it. Last year was the same way. Well! I'm going to go home now, and watch Freaky Friday. I bought it today with money I didn't really have...te-he-he! Write more later...for those of you who forgot my birthday...I forgive you *grins* As if I expected you to rememebr! Silly!

BORED! Slow day at work. Sunnie and I are both on the computers chatting on AIM to each other. She's off, I'm still on the clock. Our cousin Alyssa is supposedly coming to visit, so Sunnie can't go home yet. So how lame are we? I'm giving Sunnie movie quotes, and she's trying to guess them... She missed an obvious Titanic one though...silly silly.

Well, I have to go back to work now! Later taters!

Me

I know I haven't written for awhile, but in all honesty, the web page wasn't working! I promise! Anyway... so! I have...mmm...about two days and a few hours left of being a teenager. That is so weird! I've been a teen for so long, and now I'll be 20. And my birthday is on a Monday, which is just...grr. I hate Mondays!

Well, anyway. The Christmas party actually went very very well. There was only one catastrophe, and that was that my mom misplaced her make-up bag, and dramatically declared that she would not come to the party. That didn't last long. Knowing full well that she was in a bad mood, however, I avoided her at all costs throughout the entire night.

Paul's dad came out of his shell, I'm told. Normally I guess he's rather gruff and intimidating. Well, he was quite personable! He was happy. I guess that's not that common!

*Yawn* I am so sleepy...GUESS WHO COMES HOME TOMORROW!!!! JESSI! Hooray hooray! Woo-hoo! YESSSSS!!!!

Okay, that's done. Now I shall record the questions I annoyingly asked Kelly last night. Did you know Trent Ford is British? (She did) Did you know Johnny Depp is the new Willy Wonka? (She did) Did you know they're going to do a sequel to 'The Goonies' with the original cast members? (She DIDN'T!!) And then I asked her whether or not she knew that my Christian band pals were going their separate ways. She didn't know. They were even on TV! It's sad, but good. Lance (The lead singer, and my pen pal) says that he hasn't had a life for a long time, and he wants to start a family, etc. He's also coaching basketball now at Champlin highschool, I think he said. So he's happy. And he can't escape music, so all is well!

So that's my new briefing for the moment. Fascinating, I know. Geez, hasn't anything interesting happened to me lately?? I haven't written for a long time, and I still have nothing to say??

OH! The television war with Best Buy is over! For now, anyway. After my mom stated she was going to report them to the Attorney General's Office, as well as the Better business bureau, they suddenly called her saying her No Lemon claim was approved. Which means we got a new TV last night! It was a fiasco, because my parents can't ever agree on anything...my dad has become bolder, so he stands up for what he wants. But he's such a baby. If she disagrees, he just goes "Fine" and walks away to pout and feel sorry for himself.

So! All they have these days are wide screen TVs...and it's...large. It does not go well in our living room at all. She bought it with our family room in mind...so when that room is done, we'll have a glorious theater if I do say so myself! It will be fun. Jamie and I were testing it out with none other than Pirates Of The Caribbean this afternoon. But my dad had not connected the sound system yet, so alas the film was silent. My mom was mocking me, because I attempted to do voiceovers, but I was too slow, so it looked like a Japanese movie...if you know what I mean.

Well, anything else I can update you on? Hmmm... I don't think so. *Yawn* Know what? I asked Sunnie today whether or not her church had a drama program, and whether or not I could maybe...start one. And she just continually discouraged me. I sorta understand, I guess. Because she feels like I would be invading or something. And maybe they don't want the help, that's possible. But I think it would be fun. To be involved somewhere, anyway. I don't BELONG!!!! *whines, tears tears tears....* I know, cry about it. I think it would be nice for the whole family to be involved, like we were at Bethany. I toy with the idea of going there myself, but... that would be lonesome.

Well! I best get going and go do the whole... work thing. I shall write more soon, I'm sure! Later!!

C'est moi

So, I haven't written in a while, eh? Oh, well. Nothing exciting has happened anyway. Nothing has happened period! I don't think...

My evil dreams are quickening their pace... Nikki came home for Thanksgiving. I saw her for a few hours. Then it was...it wasn't. She went without saying goodbye, just like I thought she would. Some best friend I am, huh?

Enough complaining! My birthday is coming, I'm getting older. Sunnie hinted awhile back that she was going to plan a party for me. I don't think she meant it. Even if she did...she's forgotten all about it by now I'm sure of it. Alas, alas. It's just another year, right?

I've almost completed my Christmas shopping. Last night I took Jamison out to buy Christmas presents for the family for his first time ever. It was so cute! He had about $80, and he got something for everyone. Cept me of course, cuz I was there. But it was fun helping him. He was so cute!!! A few days before that, he and I went shopping again, but for me to buy things. I got Sunnie's present, and Kelly's present. Then he and I went to Suncoast...and I went Christmas shopping for me!! It was by accident, I swear. I bought LOTR checkers, and then Jammer and I found these HUGE LOTR mural posters. So I bought a gigantic Legolas, and he has Legolas and Gimli on their horse...I bought it for him of course, because he's an excellent scam artist.

The only person I have left to get in the family is Candace, and I know what I'm getting her. I think I hope... *yawn* I am so tired right now... I taped the OC last night, and ended up watching it at like midnight, because I bought Pirates on Tuesday *YAYAYAYAYAYA!!!* and hadn't gotten to watch it until last night. I'm so happy...

Is it pathetic that movies make me happier than real life people? Hmmm... I got a free ticket to see the Haunted Mansion in my pirate DVD. I want to see Honey, and I want to see The Last Samurai. And LOTR comes out 12/17! So, yeah. I'm gonna see that.

This Saturday, my mom is hosting a Christmas party for all of Sunnie's friends and their parents...so how not fun is that? Very. So I invited Christy! Woo-hoo! Now I'm excited. I get to see her for more than passing moments in Wal-Mart. We have plenty to talk about, I'm sure. But boy, am I dreading the preparations.

Jessi is coming home on the 13th. Yippee! She can't wait to see the Pirates DVD. Especially after I told her about the bloopers. And my new favorite quote! Observe:

"Argh...swash swash buckle buckle!"

--- Orlando Bloom

Isn't that funny? Te-he-he! Now that's a swash buckling movie.

Well, I've done enough rambling for today. I'll wait for something good to happen before I write a long entry....maybe. I better get back to work, anyway. Write more later, I'm sure!!!

Me

I have nothing interesting to write about. Except...GUYS! I need you really bad! For the play I mean. Of course the play...*cough* There's that cough again, Scott! I mean it. Totally dead-pan boring. Yup yup yup.

So! Were I to have a birthday party this year, I would invite :

Jessi Campbell, Jessie Coffey, Christy Rose, Josh Flom, Corey Miller, Kelsey Marrin, Teresa Boleen, Tim Klecker, Tim Beier...etc etc.

I decided just in case, I need to think of these things...because what if, huh? What if I get up the guts to try again? Ahh, who am I kidding? I'm old. *laughs*

So. This Titanic tea is stressing me out. I don't know what I'm doing. Yes, I do. I just need....a cast. *sigh* And you know what else? I need a marriage proposal. Nice, Scott. Murray your stuffed moose. A stuffed moose wants to marry me. I have a stuffed moose named Elwood! Nevermind, let's not go there... And now Oscar the grouch wants to kill me. Life is dandy! Now Scott won't let me marry Murray...*sniff* There goes my proposal!

Know what? This is a pointless entry. I have nothing to say. Except that Jessi and I have a summer project! We just don't know what it is yet. Also, did you know Jessi is dating Orlando Bloom? Neither does she. Know what else? I have to finish my letter to her, so I can send her the fun stuff tomorrow. So I'm-a gonna go! Plus, I'm hungry and my mother is taunting me with seafood.

Later taters!

C'est Moi!! AGAIN!!

Hello all! Well, this is probably going to be short, because I only have about five minutes left of my rbeak here at Dunn Bros. So I'll be quick!

Went to go see the play...um...it was....NOT GOOD! I mean, some parts were. But let's face it, the talent is officially gone after this year. There were only a few people that kept my attention, and that wasn't because they were my friends...but because they can act. Imagine that.

So that was kinda sad. The worst one in my opinion...someone told me she's the new Corrie Killmer. How depressing is that??? Terrible, terrible. Right...she could never me Veta! Hmph.

I got an e-mail from Jessi Campbell today. I always enjoy hearing from her. I told her about the "New Corrie Killmer" and she was like...Yeah right! And then continued to tell me how wonderful I am...I don't deserve her.

I'm gonna be a year older soon... I already feel really really really old, lordy be. Goodness gracious. December 15th is coming along rather quickly, my goodness. But guess what! Jessi is coming home the 13th. I'm excited.

Well, back to work I go. An hour and a half remaining! Later taters. Love you all!

NAF

Corrie

Hey, I haven't gotten any e-mails from people who want to be in the murder mystery! What's up with that? Grrr...well, Ms. Boleen, I know YOU read this...are YOU available January 24th? Let me know. E-mail me ASAP. And find other people. PLEASE!!!

Well, guess what? I didn't sleep at all last night, and I had to be at work by 6 am. I am soooo overtired. I got up at 5:15, after not falling asleep until around 2... and then I kept waking up because of cruel, cruel dreams. Everytime I take a deep breath and get over what's happened in my past, I go to sleep and dream about it, and everything resurfaces. I think I am so over something, that I can live without it, and I'm happy. And then, I wake up after a dream, and I can't think about anything else. For those of you who know what I mean, you know what I mean.

I was talking to my friend Scott the other night, telling him how going to sleep depresses me. It's as if right before I go to sleep is when my brain decides to take the walls down. All the things I wanted to forget come tumbling back to bury me alive. I can't stand it! Before I know it, I'm a worthless sobbing mass of emotions, cowering beneath my blanket. That's why so long ago I've taken to falling asleep to the TV. I've always been one to get extremely involved in entertainment. So I pop in a movie, or watch something fun. Otherwise I turn into a total insomniac, burdened endlessly with memories.

How can some people just forget the past? How do you leave it behind? There's always something to trigger a memory, and in my case, most past memories are painful. I'm constantly reminded of all the mistakes and heartaches, no matter how hard I try to forget them and move on.

Anyway, that's why I couldn't sleep last night, and now I'm at work. I'm going to go see the White BEar play tonight. It's opening night. I want to go opening and closing night, to offer as much support as possible. Originally I didn't want to see it at all, because I had been absolutely shafted by Holly this year as far as directing goes. I must have been a sucky director or something...oh well. BUT--- I love all the theater people too much not to let them know that. I may not be a part of their daily lives anymore, but I guess I just have to deal with that. I'm old, and only getting older.

My birthday is December 15th. I'm going to be 20. I probably won't have a party this year, because no one even showed up last year. It was my own fault, I guess. Nikki came though. I think I would have...died were it not for her last year. You know, I've never had a surprise party. I thought maybe last year, they didn't come because it was a joke, and then I'd be invited to a movie or something, and there would be a party instead. A surprise party...but no such luck. My birthday didn't happen. Oh, well. It's in the past, right?????

But hey, if someone actually threw me a surprise party...I would not object. I would be thrilled. I would treasure that person for the rest of my life. (As long as they invited all my theater pals)

Well, the shop is getting rather busy, so maybe I should go back to work...?? Eh....no. Not yet. I called my granny from work today, so I'm going over there when I get off. We're gonna hang, yo! Raid her cupboards and all that jazz. Well, Jean is calling me so NOW I have to go. Later!

--Moi

I have no life, no friends, woe is me. Actually, I have friends. Just...older friends :) I'm not complaining! I just...work so much, and the money flies right out the window. I have about $500 in savings, because I have to pay my parents rent, and I have to pay car insurance, and I have to pay for groceries or something else to pick up everytime I walk out the door. Thanks, mom...

What is a journal for if not to vent and say the things you can't say out loud? Although for some reason I am saying out loud what I'm writing right now...sometimes I need to hear a voice, and most often it ends up just being my own. (Or Mister Moviefone)

Tuesday was my day off this week, as well as Sunnie's. It was veteran's day, so she didn't have class. I was all like "Let's do something fun!" And really? There was nothing to do. I had already gotten her to go to a movie with me, and that doesn't happen more than once every couple of months. Plus I had seen everything already... so after hours of doing...nothing...we decided to go get her Sadie's film developed, and then drive up to Andover to visit Vicki, the lady who had trained us to work at Dunn Bros.

We took Cody with us for some reason, so we spent the majority of the ride holding our breath so we wouldn't have to smell Cody's horrible breath. We rolled down the windows, so he could stick his head out and provide us with a bit of relief.

When we got to Dunn Bros in Andover, Vicki wasn't there. So we visited with Jacob, who I hadn't really talked to before. He's pals with Sunnie, so they caught up. It was fun, and I enjoyed chatting and telling stories. (Like always) Vicki actually stopped by, and was really happy to see us. We talked to her for awhile before remembering we had a puppy in the car. Then we went back to Wal-Mart to get Sunnie's pictures. There were a few pictures of me and Cody in our pirate costumes on the roll. QUITE hilarious...I am such a man...I mean, I LOOKED like a man...

Okay, new subject. Calling all actors! I need you! I'm writing a Titanic murder mystery tea for the tea room, and it's on January 24th. I need to know how many actors I can get, so I can write the script. I need to know how many people there are for SURE, so I can then develop a story, and different suspects. The more suspects and possible motives, the better. So if anyone out there in cyberspace in the white bear area is available and willing...PLEASE let me know. E-mail me at:

windows_in_this_place@hotmail.com.

Thank you very huge. What else is new? Um, nothing. I have three favorite TV shows that I never miss. Gilmore Girls is still up there. But the new ones are One Tree Hill and The O.C. YAY! OOOHHHH!!!!! Okay, I just remembered something really important that I never wrote about!!

Back this summer, I went to the mall of america with my mom. Just the two of us! Now, Sunnie, other peeps and I have met multiple celebrities there. But normally that's planned in advance. So! When my mom and I got there, She immediately wanted to go into Marshall's. I hate that store. So we decided to split up. I wanted to go to Disney, books, music, etc. So...I was on the first floor, and there were a bunch of kids skateboarding around in the rotunda.Then there was a line of kids with wristbands on. In my experience, that meant they were waiting in line for an autograph signing. So I though, hey. I'll find out who's coming, and when...and since I didn't have to meet my mom for an hour, maybe I could grab an autograph. So, I got a wristband, and got in line after hearing they would be there in about 10 minutes. Looking at the line, I figured I'd be shuffled past in no time. They always make those lines go really fast. So!

The people who were coming were two stars from the movie "Grind". Vince Vieluf and Joey Kern. I knew who Vince was, because he was in Rat Race. (He was the one who pierced his own tongue...)

So, I was waiting for the line to MOVE and it wasn't...Before I knew it, I was half an hour late to meet my mom. I figured out why eventually. They were talking to each group of people for a LONG time! That NEVER happens! People were going up there with the other people they came with, and just...chatted.

I had no interest in the movie beforehand, it looked stupid. But I had to pretend to be looking forward to it. So, all of the sudden I was on stage, by MYSELF! Because I came by myself...heh heh heh! And you know what? Joey Kern is HOT!!!!!

So, I walk up all by my lonesome, and Vince says "What is up????" (Enunciating each syllable) And then I said "I'm all by my lonesome!" And so Vince replies with "That's okay. Most of the people here don't like the people they came with."

I knew I was gonna have fun after that! I chatted with them for a long long time. Just me, and them. Joey and I talked about theater. He went to NYU, and studied theater there. We ended up also talking about my mom having cancer, so I hadn't had previous school plans, and he said "You'll make it. And you can use those emotions on stage." Vince piped in with "Perhaps we will be in a feature together someday!" And I squealed...I did. Embarrassing! Joey knew what Harvey was about, and said it takes a lot of talent to play Veta. *YAY* So, they gave me a movie poster, and Vince wrote "I love you and your brain", while Joey wrote "Corrie, you rock!"

I told them how disappointed my brother would be that he wasn't there with me, so they made out a poster for him too. I told them to make it out to Jammer, because that's my nickname for him. I also mentioned that he works in the tea room, so Joey wrote " Jammer, I hate tea!" And Vince wrote "Jammer, I eat rats!"

They were awesome guys. So of course, my heart all a flutter, I promised myself I would go see Grind. And I did! It was sooooo good. Thank god I met them, or I would have missed out on a great flick! Adam Brody is in it...and thanks to me, he is Kelly's new obsession. He is also on Gilmore Girls and the OC, two of our favorite shows. I found out later that he was supposed to be at the mall of america as well...that would have been AWESOME! Someone I would have actually wanted to meet before I got there. That's only happened...once. One person that I was actually wanting to meet because I had previously been a fan. Nick Carter. Everyone else I've met I became a fan AFTERWARDS.

Joey Kern was also in Cabin Fever, which I dragged Sunnie to....she's still upset about that. It was...gross.

Well, I've got to go! Time to go home. Later!

Me

You have to be lost to find your way home. Think about that!

What do a pimp and pirate have in common? They both say "Yo ho!" That has got to be my favorite joke ever. *grins* Anyway! I'm @ work again, with nothing really to write about. I'm done in an hour, and then I have to go buy feline pine cat litter for Harvey Kinkle Binkle...that's what I've taken to calling him lately. He's so funny...

Mmm... tomorrow I have the day off, so i plan on going to go get the "Love Actually" soundtrack (A movie I have seen twice now. I took Sunnie to see it yesterday. She actually LIKED it! That doesn't happen often with Sunnie and movies.) and then doing something fun... something fun? I have no idea what to do... No, not that. I already saw it twice!

See how pointless this entry was? My break is already over... oh, there WAS a really cute guy in today, who was very disappointed by the fact that he couldn't tip me. (We're not allowed to accept tips.) He had an adorable southern accent. Mmm...I love accents!

Well, I'm gonna go back to work now *sniff* I'll write more about my pure boredom some other time. Later!

-- c'est moi

Hey there! Look at me, I'm getting back into the swing of the journal thing. I'm at work again, surprise surprise...waiting for my last batch of beans to cool so I can shut the machine down, clean it out, and go home. I was supposed to work from 2-6 today, but really? You can roast anytime, as long as you do it everyday. I came in at 9:30, because I was up, and I wanted a free day, not a day with a huge hole in the middle.

I closed last night with Jean, who's just adorable! She's in her 50s or 60s I guess, and we just laugh all the time. Neither of us had really closed before, so it was...an adventure that's for sure.

When I got home at 10:30, no one was there! Sunnie had Sadie's, and my brother was still in Wisconsin. My parents were...elsewhere. So what did I do? Sang at the top of my lungs to my poor unsuspecting doggies before taking a shower and collapsing in front of the TV that doesn't work... *whines* Now that's a long story...

Too long, because I think it's time to go clean the machine and go home. YAY! More later I'm sure. Because my life is oh-so eventful!

Later taters,

Me

Argh, I am so dang tired! I woke up this morning absolutely thrilled, because I had slept reasonably okay! I woke up at 11 am. 11 AM! If you don't know me, you have no idea how remarkable that is. I sighed in relief after briefly panicking, trying to figure out why I wasn't somewhere else (ie work) when I realized I didn't work until 2 pm. 2-10...yay.

So, I got up, took a shower, muched on some cereal, popped in a movie to munch by, and settled in for a relaxing "morning". My parents were still sleeping, so life was good. Until the phone rang.

It was the Avalon Tea Room wondering where the heck my brother Jamie was. He was almost an hour and a half late for work, and the dishes were piling up! Where was he? On his way to Wisconsin. He KNEW he was scheduled, he just decided to be stupid. So, I called his friend's cell phone, screamed at him, then handed the phone over to my dad...he was ....really unhappy about it...(to put it nicely)

You know what's really funny? I'm at work right now, after roasting beans for four hours, preparing to work behind the counter for four hours... and so I was trying to write my dad was mad, but I wanted to write a word that rhymes with dissed. This computer is censored, so it won't let me! Not even with spaces in between the letters. This is what it does: ....ed

Isn't that funny? You can write it with dashes though. p-i-s-s-e-d hehe. It won't let you write that, but it will let you write shit and bitch and damn but definately not .... (guess what that is)

Anyway! I went and saw "Love Actually" like I said I would last night. The place was packed! I thought it was the Matrix crowd in the line that curled from one end of the theater down the hallway of the other end. But no. When Love Actually was called out, the line idea was abandoned and there was a mad rush. I was reasonably lucky, and squirmed in pretty early on. I found a good seat by myself, and really really enjoyed it.

There was some rather uneccessary nudity, but other than that...it was good! I laughed a lot. Colin Firth was a sweetie again *grins* And Hugh Grant was of course hilarious...and sweet. The guy who played the guy Laura Linney really liked was really hot! But what happened with them?? Grrrr.... if you see it, you'll know what I mean.

Five more minutes before it's time for me to go back to work...what shall I do? Contract a strange virus that will demand immediate attention from a tall dark handsome stranger doctor man? I definately would not be able to work. No, no no. It's a serious disease. It's called... um....something really serious sounding. Yeah.

Well, looks like it's time for me to go to work now...*sigh* Unless I get that disease....I'll write more later. Ciao!

C'est Moi

Hey there howdy hi how are ya? Excellent! Good to hear it! Well, I'm at the coffee shop, surprise surprise. I got off about forty minutes ago, but I'm hanging out on the internet, because the movie I plan on taking myself to doesn't start for another hour. What am I going to go see? "Love Actually". I can't wait to see it! I've been waiting, because it has a lot of people I quite enjoy in it. Especially Keira Knightley.

Keira Knightley was the object of my undying envy when I first saw her in Pirates of the Caribbean. The first woman to kiss Orlando Bloom on screen... and she's so beautiful. And she's YOUNGER than me! How depressing... and she's british. I want so badly to be british. I want so badly to be Keira Knightley! I also loved her in "Bend It Like Beckham" Which I of course own. Wonderful movie.

Anyway! That movie opens today, so I'm taking myself out. I drive now, so that's a possibility. Now that Kelly is gone, it's vital that I drive...otherwise, I'd never leave the house. Since she and I were so much alike, we loved all the same things. All the same places. I never went anywhere without her... and that was a good thing. I didn't mind tagging along, because I usually wanted to go there too. Anyway! So, since she's gone, I HAVE to go by myself, or I wouldn't go at all. Why? Because everyone else sucks, that's why. I'm too unusual. And I have no friends under 30. Hmmm, how'd that happen? Oh, that's right. I'm an old lady. I gotta be what...126 by now?

So! I have 15 minutes until I plan to leave....what do I write about? Sunnie's new boyfriend?? *grins*

Paul. He's terrific. I think he could possibly be the one for her. Wouldn't that be grand? He's the only one the whole family has really been excited about. The only other one I liked was Klecker, but that's because he was my bestest buddy, so that was the reasoning behind that. I knew they had no future. They were too young! But Paul? He's perfect for her, and sometimes... I imagine their future together. I wouldn't mind having him as a brother. My mom and Paul's mom are already planning shopping trips together. Isn't that fantastic? Sometimes I think it's my MOM who's in love with Paul. *grins* Sunnie Stauff... has a nice ring to it. I hope it works out for them. They'd have nice looking children.

So where's my prince charming? Still looking... Sometimes I just feel empty... so many people have come and gone, and I feel stuck in the same place. Dreams too big and far away. But everyone tells me they're not out of reach. If all my english teachers knew I was working everyday at a coffee shop instead of going to school...they'd probably never speak to me again. They all thought I'd have my name in lights by now. Or at least write a best seller... Acting and writing. Not the most promising of careers for an overweight dreamer from White Bear Lake... I have a head full of stories waiting to be written down, but do I have the original spin that makes those stories interesting? To act in Hollywood you need the looks. To act on stage you need the voice. I don't have either. But do I have something else to set me apart? I don't know. Being on the top in White Bear theater doesn't mean you're off the bottom anywhere else... White Bear talent isn't much of a comparison.

I stress myself out sometimes... I could try and be a carbon copy...but it costs thousands to lose things (If you know what I mean) which is so dumb! And it costs money to gain other things. All this money that I don't have....grr and a half times ten! Oh, well. Well! I think I'm going to go to my movie now, and complain more later.

If anyone still reads this...I bet I love you!

Always, Moi

"Take a look, here I am. Can't you see? One simple smile from you could set me free. So if you take a look, let your heart be your guide. I'll show you love if you take a look, at the girl inside." - 'Take a look', Kirsten Dunst, "Get Over It"

Hello all! Or maybe no one reads this anymore. I guess that's perfectly okay, this entry is more for my own sanity anyway. It's been forever and a day since I've written in this thing...

I've been pricked with a twinge of guilt everytime I sign onto the internet, and every single time I sign off after not writing a single thing down in this journal. So... we'll do a quick update. Or maybe not so quick! We'll see how long my fingers feel like typing tonight.

Kelly moved to Connecticut. Sometimes I view her as my last link to sanity. And now that that link is gone... After she left, I thought of Jessi Campbell that way. She and I had sleepovers, watched every Orlando Bloom movie in existense, tore open and re-stuffed my gigantic fair Shark. (HUGE mess! Snow like styrofoam all over her entire house...one of the best days of my life)

Jessi was preparing to leave to Spain. She was down to her last couple of days, and she wanted to spend time with me. ME! Corrie...just plain me.

When Nikki was getting ready to go off to college, she had time for everybody BUT me. We talked about it in the hour she reserved just for me... but it still didn't feel right. They both left, and I missed them both. Right off the bat I sent things to Nikki to make her feel loved, wanted, and missed. I recieved nothing back. It's not like I give to recieve, I just give hoping to be appreciated...nothing.

About 2 weeks after Jessi left, I got two postcards from her in the mail. Saying how much she wishes I were there with her... and I wanted to be there with her.

Lurae and Dustin visited Nikki last week. I wasn't invited of course...didn't expect to be. But I didn't feel like I was missing much. I know how many wheels there are on that vehicle. And I don't feel like being the spare anymore.

I miss Kelly very much. Her cell phone number is still local, so I call it all the time. She is the one and only person on this planet that appreciates absolutely anything and everything about me. And she understands everything. She laughs at all my jokes, and continually tells me I'm destined for fame. I've never felt better about myself than when I'm talking to my older sister. She looks out for me. So in other words? My attorney has moved to Connecticut. When it comes to my family now, I have to fend for myself.

So yes...Kelly, Jessi, and Nikki are gone, along with my sanity. What else? Oh, yes! I still work one day a week at the tea room. I also work at Dunn Bros. Coffee shop. I just got a promotion. I'm now a barista and a roaster. Meaning I make drinks, and roast the coffee beans. Roasting is NOT EASY! But I got a dollar raise, so I best not complain.

Sunnie and I met Hanson awhile back. Got it all on video of course. Pleasantries pleasantries... Ummmm... I have a boyfriend! Just kidding. Mmm...Beier and I have had recent "discussions"...yay. He has a girlfriend that he just LOVES to talk about. No really. I'm happy for him. I enjoy my co-workers. i'm half their age, but still. They like me. We're going out together on Thursday. They can't wait til I'm 21, so they can take me to the "fun" places.

My birthday is a little over a month away...but after last year? I'm not planning on having a birthday. We'll see what happens... sometimes I just hate myself.

My obsession with Pirates of the Caribbean has not slowed down at all. I saw it...many times, and I was Jack Sparrow for Halloween. A very good Jack Sparrow I might add! No, not really. I was more of a miscellaneous pirate that sounded much more like Captain Barbosa. Oh, well. I scared the small children quite well!

I can't think of much else to update you on at the moment...but now that I've given a background, hopefully my next entries will be solo-topic focused.

Over and out, love you lots, may the sun shine like a barrel and a fire cracker....and the wha---? Sleep. Yes. Good. Au Revoir!

-- Moi

To everyone I know, don't know, would like to know, would like to forget...JUST KIDDING! I have a little announcement to make.

Some of you may or may not have heard that I was moving to New York. If you have heard, then you know I was leaving today, the 17th. WAS is the keyword here, because I didn't leave. I didn't go. I'm NOT going.

If any of you who knew I was going, really KNEW me, you knew I didn't want to go. People have been telling me they could read it on my face as plain as day. When people would ask me if I was excited, I would say no. But I thought I had no other choice.

My parents continually told me that if I didn't live my life the way they planned it out for me, college when and where, etc etc, I would have to move out. I had no way of moving out, at least not yet. So I found a way. A nanny in New York. Seemed perfect. I wanted it to be perfect. But to me, it felt like a trap. I put on a good face, convinced myself it was perfect for me, and began the preparations. I had to quit the perfect job for me here, because I had to get away from home.

The people I was going to be working for? The woman was a stay at home mom, real hoity toity, really social, really...rich. Sickened me. She just wanted someone to take her children away, so she could go out and have fun with the other socialites. It bothered me, but it was good money. I HAD to be happy...right? But I wasn't. Something felt very very very wrong. But I had no other choice. None. Nope. Nada.

One of my biggest reasons for leaving, is that I felt I wouldn't be missed. Sure, my friend of convenience status would be missed. My cleaning skills would be missed. My 'I'll listen to your problems without giving you any of mine' reputation would be sadly missed. But i didn't feel like anyone knew enough of me to miss me. But I've often found myself living in that woe is me world. But...enough negative influences can do that to you, forgive me for it or not, that's just the way it is.

Anyway...a few days before scheduled leaving day, I saw my dearest closest most beloved brother like friend I've ever had. He saved my life, waking me up in the process. So, I have to say a thank you just to him.

"Edward"-- Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over. You proved what I didn't think was possible. That people care, and that I'm stupid. I don't resent that of course, I appreciate it. Thank you for the prayer, and thank you for being the messenger. And thank you so much for sticking by me. I know I've most likely made it difficult. You're one of the only people who can see past the circumstances, and know that sometimes, people just have to lose control, and lose themselves. Because otherwise, they'd never know they needed to find their way back. Most people can't see that, and that's sad. But you've always been there when I needed a hand to hold onto, and this time, you had help. God bless you! Thank you for helping me realize I DID have a choice. Thank you for helping me realize the right one. Thank you for helping me to let go and let God. And thank you for being my friend, and my brother. I love you very very much, and I expect to see you more often! *grins*

He, among a few others have offered me a home, to get me out of this house. If things go down a bad road again, I hope those offers still stand! Please let me know *laughs*

Maybe this news disappoints some of you. Maybe you thought you were rid of me, or maybe you thought I'd actually make it somewhere. Well, taking care of children 24/7 doesn't leave much room for broadway. If it's meant to be, I'll get there someday. I'll find a way. As for right now, I'm figuring things out. I have A LOT to figure out, believe me...but I'm so relieved. I wasn't ready for it, and it wasn't right. They needed me for at least a year anyway, and...that would be a trap. I don't want to be someone else's care taker forever. As "Edward" told me...I't would be a waste of all my talents. *Grins*

Well, one last little list of thank yous...Ed, thanks again bro. You're a lifesaver. You finally let me cry, and made it okay to do so. Beier, sorry for being so hard on you. You did what you did, because you're human. Can't expect anything else, because that would be silly. I need to stop doubting caring people, right? JESSI--sorry to disappoint you! Now, our original plans. 70 times was it? The Pirates are waiting. I'm on #4, how about you? SARAH-- Funny how you waited until the day I left to write me. Too bad I'm still here, huh? Now you actually have to practice what you preach *laughs* LAURYN-- Well, I guess you never got around to that surpise party, huh? Oh, well. I forgive you! My birthday is in December. And I'm simply overjoyed that your older sister is still gonna be around for ya! Hope you are too. SCOTT--- you knew it from the beginning, but respected me enough to figure it out on my own...with a little help from God, of course. Always and forever. CHRISTY-- We can still be friends, YAY! We'll keep up with the guy stories then, huh? And are ya ready to go bunny shoppin?? Unless you already did...*whines* And to everyone else: I love you, even if you hate me. And that's the way it goes.

Corrie

Okay, I know I've been neglecting this journal for awhile. But, alas. I've been very not busy! Yes, it's true...as disappointing as it may seem, I'm not moving to New York. Not yet, anyway. Maybe someday. But for right now...well. I sent an e-mail to everyone whose e-mail addresses I had. So for those of you whose e-mail address I DO NOT have, and you read this journal...I'll put a copy of the e-mail in here for you to read, so I don't have to repeat myself. *laughs*

But before I do that, I must tell you a little story. But I don't feel like it. So I'll make it the short version. One week ago exactly, I had just finished putting everything BACK together in my room, after destroying it, trying to pack. Nikki was on her way over to my house, so we could spend the day together. I had made my bed all pretty and everything, and it's a top bunk with a couch beneath it, so I really didn't feel like climbing all the way up there, and ruining it when I was expecting company. (A poster had fallen down from up there, so I HAD to put it back up, but didn't want to ruin the bed to do it) So, I did something I've done a million times before. I held onto the guard rail, put one foot on the windowsill next to the bed, and hoisted myself up, kneeling sideways with my other leg. I put the poster back up, and then twisted around so i could get down. My knee that was securing my position on the windowsill severely dislocated, and I fell backward, headfirst off the bunk. I smacked my head against the floor and bruised up my entire body in the process. SEVERE pain followed, but I miraculously got up and walked around a few minutes later. My knee was fine until later that afternoon, when Nikki and I decided to hang out in a hurricane...long story.

Anyway! The next entry will be that e-mail, and it's important and all that jazz...so. Yeah. I better go get that done and over with. *grins* Later!

Well, let's see... I told Nikki I was leaving. She cried...she cried a lot. Especially when she saw that I had traded rooms with my brother. I felt bad...then I cried, because I am going to miss her SOOOO much! But---she'll come visit me in her all time favorite place in the whole wide world.

There's a lot of bunny poop in the cage next to me...hmmm...maybe I should do something about that. Eh, I'll do it tomorrow. I keep putting EVERYTHING off...including packing. I've only packed two things. My CDs and my DVDs. Silly silly silly. But they're my priorities afterall.

So there's not really much to report at the moment...yesterday was my last day at work. Afterwards, Jan and Becky (my bosses) took me out to eat at "Ingredients". I had never been there, and that was so nice of them! After that, my co-worker and friend Alli took me to Uptown to a coffee house called "Uncommon Grounds"...at least I think that's what it was called...ANYWAY! That was fun! Different for me, but fun just the same.

So! (as you should all be used to by now) There's this guy....heh heh heh. Enough said for now. *luv to Willoughby*

Well, I'll write more later, I'm sure! Peace for now peoples.

I got the New York job. I leave July 17th. So for all you guys out there who have fallen madly in love with me...now's your chance! I'm almost gone! Tell me NOW before I go away forever!

Okay, now that I got that out of my system...Do I want to go? I don't know. As a told my friend Scott, it's like...totally unfair. It's like my life is just like moving out of your childhood home. The place you've comfortably spent your whole life in, no matter how crappy it seemed sometime. Then you decide to move, and you make the house perfect. You fix things up, you get brand new appliances...everything sparkles, and as you leave, you wonder why it was never like that when you lived there....

That's how my life feels right now. As I'm preparing to leave, I realize it's become the life I've always wanted. I've met..."people", I have the perfect job, I've made new friends. I can finally feel things again without being afraid of getting hurt. I feel like a real person, and I don't want to give that up. Start all over. And what if...eh, nevermind. I've already written about that I think. Well...Seriously, people. Don't let me leave without knowing you really truly want me to stay, but then think it would be good for me. That's your line. Memorize it, rehearse it, make it believable. I'm an actress people, therefore very good at detecting a lie! *laughs*

Well, life is hectic, because I leave in about two weeks. This all happened way too quickly! I had to quit my job at the tea room today. I really didn't want to do it, I was so scared. Not because I was afraid they would be mad at me, I knew that once I told them this was really real. I was really leaving, and I was really giving up the perfect job. They were so great about it, and said they expect a Christmas card. I'm still writing theme teas for them via e-mail. I'm going to miss that place so much, I really really am. I only have two days left there, because they're closed for a couple of weeks around Independance Day. WHICH MEANS: I will have a LOT OF FREE TIME. To do things with friends, to attend surprise farewell parties...whatever the case may be!

Well, anyway. I guess I'll be off now. I'm typing away on my new iMac. Heh, it's kinda fun. My sister won it for me on ebay. Only $280! So anyway. Over and out. E-rokin, never stoppin, peace peace peace!

Well...I find out tomorrow if I get the New York job. If I do, that means Kelly and I can go there together at the same time. Driving, I mean. Kelly gets to bring Darla, and I get to bring Harvey. I'm so conflicted. AHHH! Okay. I want to get away, I know that. From everything, and everyone. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in the way. If I leave, I'm finally the one going somewhere. Even if it's just symbolic. I'm not the one who's going to be left behind this time. I'm going somewhere. But am I going the way I'm supposed to?

If I take the job, I can leave my mother and the insane work that goes with her, (although I love her very much...I can't stand her most days) I'm leaving anyone and everyone I've ever encountered in my entire life. I've already expressed my fears of going without being missed...

I'm the cool director, or the older sister figure, or the good friend when the real friends are all tied up. I hate the identity I've created for myself. Because when push comes to shove, and the week comes to an end, I'm the one who sits at home alone. I know there's a billion and a half people who care about me, because they've all told me so. I'm just so...I don't know. Sometimes I feel dead, because I don't feel this emotion. It really doesn't help that the majority of my friends are theater people. ACTORS. I'm so paranoid...I wish I hadn't listened to all the things I grew up hearing. We won't go into that...

If I go to New York, I leave the Tea Room. The only job I've ever had that I've actually enjoyed. They really like me there, and have already designated a billion responsibilites to me that no one else can accomplish. The creative director? Writing theme teas? Finding actors and other entertainment for every event? I really don't want to let them down. But I don't think I have a choice. My mom said if I don't go to college in the fall, I have to move out. I can't afford to move out with the hours I have at the tea room since they hired too many people. So I had to find a way to move out, so I did. I'm a New York Nanny...almost. My mom continually tells me I'm going to fail...that makes me want to go and prove her wrong. But I have to do what's right for me...if only I knew what that was.

I'm so scared I met the man I'm supposed to be with here in Minnesota, and I didn't realize it? Sure, God has a plan, but he also gave us free will so we can make mistakes. What if this is a huge mistake and I can end up a failure all alone? Why won't someone ask me to stay....

I need to stop thinking that way. Everyone's life will go on whether I stay here or not, and I don't like my life here. I like my job, but that's not enough to keep me out of the dark places I traveled to before. AHHH! Well, I'll find out tomorrow. I'll decide tomorrow. I may possibly collapse into a lifeless heap...tomorrow. I'll let you know... peace to all. Especially to me. AHHHHHHHH

Okay, everyone! Read a story and learn a little something! Go to http://settledfor.blogspot.com and enjoy! I only have the intro up, but trust me. I don't have to plan a plot, it just comes to me when it feels like it.

Nothing has happened really to update you on. My parents know about New York and I'm not dead yet. That says heaps! Maybe this is the right thing to do? I don't know...good glory. I need to go to bed. My brain is all worn out! Later, peace out!

Good glory! I'm doing very very badly at keeping this thing updated. It's been 20 days! I'm HORRIBLE! Okay, who cares? It's my journal...lordy be. Anyhoo! What's happened? Sunnie graduated! Yay!!! That job in New York? It seems like it's really going to happen. They even say I can bring Harvey! I'm so happy....I think.

My mom told me repeatedly that if I didn't get going and go to college, I would have to move out. So I found a way to move out. Now she's saying that it's too far away, she'd miss me too much, and that I don't have to go to college yet. What a transition! But I convinced myself that I had to go, I WOULD go unless there was some dramatic reason God gives me to stay. I feel completely and totally panicked, because I have this feeling there's a reason just staring me in the face, and I'm not seeing it. I'm like that, I'm afraid. The worst part is? I feel like I won't be missed. Sure, the hard work I do will be missed. But there's no one here that's really going to be heartbroken over my departure. Not that that's what I'm looking for. I just...wish that someone would ask me to stay. I'm sure everyone feels that way when they're going to leave. But being asked to stay because it would make a difference to someone else...it wouldn't happen. Accuse me of being sad and pathetic, I probably am. But it scares me that I don't feel like I make a dent in anyone's life sometimes...

So! I wish someone would throw me a surprise going away party. All my life I've wanted a surprise party. I've never had one. But that fear inside...no one would come! Really...who would. No one even came to my birthday party. I sound like such a loser! Ahhh! It was my own fault, anyway. I let my insecurities ruin things for me. And other stupid people...ah, well. I'll throw myself a party. I'll take me out to a movie. (Like I did today. Oh, yeah. Saw "From Justin To Kelly." Go American Idol first season! My favorite forever!!!) Is it wrong to think I've found a reason to stay? I told Kelly about it, and she laughed at me, telling me my supposed reason is stupid. What if it isn't? What if it's the reason God sent? There's just...something I can't talk about yet. We'll see what happens. God, please don't keep me in suspense for too much longer!

You know what? I really want a boyfriend. Laugh all you want. I have my reasons. People warn me against them, people tell me I'm lucky. Whatever whatever whatever! I'd like to find out for myself thank you. I want to matter to someone. I don't matter to most. Not in a mattering way. *laughs* Sure, I'm a swell pal when you need one. When you don't...well, you don't. I love so so so many people. I don't leave enough of me left to love me. I need someone else to love me, and teach me how to love me too. *laughs heartily, throwing head back...coughs as she inhales mosquito* Dang bugs...

Well, let's see! If this New York thing happens, I have to quit my job at the Tea Room, and I don't know how...ahhhhhh...Well, I better sign off for now. I am sleepy, and alas. I work in the morning. I will try my very hardest to keep this thing a little more updated. Oh! I'm starting a new story, based on certain parts of my life. It's tentatively called "Settled For". I think I'm going to put it in an additional blog, so anyone and everyone who reads this thing, could also read my story! It's going to be fantastical! I hope...maybe this is the big one, guys! The one to be published! It has promise, it does it does!

Peace out, yo! E-rokin all the way to Nantucket! (Will explain some other time)

Hey there howdy hi how are ya? Me? Oh, thank you dear person for asking. I'm just peachy keen fantastic! What's that? You didn't ask me anything? Well, then! Too bad for you! Because I'm the one making up this fictional conversation, so "you"...whoever you are, should have no say in it! Literally! Because....NEWS FLASH! You don't exist! Okay...

If you've read my journal before, hopefully you've realized I'm not all here, there, or anywhere. I float...

Okay, I am seriously sleep deprived. Guess what! No, I'm not visiting to New York, I'm MOVING there! I hope...maybe? I don't know. We'll see what we see when we see it. If we don't see it, then I have a problem. Yeah, hopefully I too shall have a nanny job in New York. Not too far from my beloved sister methinks. I get my own floor! Meaning multiple rooms, not just the floor....I get walls and ceilings too....!!!

In other news, however not nearly as exciting...the theater banquet was lovely...but not nearly as lovely as the day AFTER the theater banquet. I worked all day on Friday, it was exhausting. Jamie worked too, his first day alone on the job. (I got him a job as a dishwasher at the tea room) I got home, and giddily realized that my pay check from the district center had arrived. (I had to go fill out an application and W4 at the district center, to be officially hired as the assistant theater director) So! I opened it up...and my jaw actually really truly dropped....I couldn't make a single noise! I had gotten paid $300 for the one act. I was expecting less, because I had worked a lot harder on the one act....but the district had calculated all my hours, and do you know what they came up to? Do you KNOW???? $908.72!!!!! I couldn't believe it! So...here's the deal...

The first person to call me, and say to me, and no other person "My monkey ate all ten of my toe nails with devon cream on top with a side of Queen's Blend jam"...I will take you out to dinner...my treat, you drive...

Welcome to my world, welcome to my world, welcome to my world of.....boys? That's the only thing I could think of that rhymes with toys....which you would only understand if you've been to the FAO Schwartz in TMOA, or anywhere else...and heard the song that plays when you walk in...I'm gonna go there tomorrow! Well, not necessarily the toy store, but to the mall of america. I have to get Nikki a birthday present...

Speaking of Nikki! Today was her grad party. I knew no one, with a side of strangers. But it was fun, nonetheless. Kelly couldn't come with me, because she didn't feel good. Nate came...the love of Nikki's life...they were salsa dancing on the back deck. I took pictures. Yay for me! I be so dang cool...don't touch me, you'll freeze! I was sly sneaky too...I took pictures through the window....well, not all of them. Anyway!!!

I should go now, because I'm not technically allowed to be online right now. I know, major rebel! More huge energetic can't stop talking about it updates on New York later! By the way...all you people out there...come to Sunnie's grad party! It's Saturday, June 7th...2-6. I'll be expecting you...heh heh heh. Later! E-rok out, bay-bay!

OKay, I have to explain what I wrote about earlier. I was super mad at Sunnie, because I KNOW she read the journal Nikki and I write back and forth to each other in. How did I know this? It was missing, and i found it on her bed, hidden beneath all her blankets. She denied it, asked me how dare I accuse her of something like that...made me feel terrible, when I KNEW she did it! She denied it profusely, but then confessed in a letter. She hates my online journal, and she still doesn't know that I am still boiling mad at her. So if she reads this, my honest holds nothing back which is totally my right journal...then so be it. AHHHH! She drives me insane! Her letter was as follows:

"Corrie-

Yes, I read PART of your journal. Just one part. Although, I know I was in the wrong, and that there is no excuse, you need to hear me out. Yes, I denied it at first, and I'm sorry. It's been on my conscience. But for you to come to my work was wrong. I understand you feel hurt and betrayed. I'm going to tell you why I did what I did, and for once- believe me. Try to understand that I have feelings too. You're not the only one that hurts. Not a day goes by where I don't feel betrayed by you. You're a good sister to me, with a loving, giving heart. We're obviously different. And I know I can be very selfish. One huge difference that sets me apart from my sisters is that I always tell what's on my mind, and share my feelings. You do not. You act like a stranger. I know you don't trust me, and I'm sorry to hear that. Every time you and I are close, I do something to screw it up royally. The reason I always feel betrayed by you is yours and Nikki's constant battle against me--because of TIm. (Side note...AHHHH! SHE'S INSANE! Okay, sorry. Back to the letter) You're always going to hate me for dating him, and I'm beginning to wish I never did.--Just because everything about that relationship will always rest on my shoulders. Tim used me, or maybe he didn't. But we all learn from our mistakes, and I was a mistake. He probably wishes he never dated me. I know you always hated the thought of your jerk of a sister dating what you call your best friend. Please stop making me feel like crap about it. Let things be okay. There was a time when I cared for him more than I even cared for myself. No one understood. But because Nikki is your best friend, her feelings matter the most, which I understand. But ever since your online journal, I stopped trusting both of you. It's you two against me always. I saw Klecker's name, so I read THAT page, and I was right. I hate that you won't let us be friends, but what you say goes. And it's always been that way. I'm the younger dumb one that has no feelings. But under all that selfishness,is enough sensitivity, hurt and anger to last me a lifetime. Just be grateful you have a best friend, and never a boyfriend. It's not all it's cracked up to be. It all stabs you in the back. Just like what I do best to you. I'm sorry."

AHHHH! OKay. Time for me to pick this thing out completely... Ah-ah-AHEM! I'm not the only one that hurts....DUH! Which is why I spend the majority of my time listening to hers...and everyone else's problems. Only relating my own experiences if they seem like they will help. I never tell her anything that's wrong, because she'll forget about it the next second anyway. She always tells me what's on her mind, and her experiences, how she feels, etc. That's true. I act like a stranger? That might be true...but it's not like I have a choice! She doesn't show any interest in anything about me. The first words out of her mouth everyday I see her, are something about herself. Never fails. She never inquires about anything in my life. No wonder I'm a stranger to her...she doesn't want to know me. I don't trust her, and I'm glad she knows that. That's out of the way. She bad mouths me to people, she "gets together" with guys who USE ME TO GET TO HER!!! What kind of sister does that? Not one that you trust, that's for sure. Now then, the Tim thing comes in. Good glory, let it DIE freako!

Nikki and i have a constant battle against her because of Tim? I missed it...I must be missing in action, because I've never even seen the battlefield. How could I hate her for dating him, when I'm the person who got them together in the first place? Come now, what kind of sense would that make? I was little miss matchmaker. She's BLIND! Delusional...gee whiz...How could I hate the thought of them dating when it was my doing? That's DUMB! Stupid, stupid, stupid. How do I make her feel like crap about it? If anything, she gets mad at me, every single time Tim and I have a conversation that doesn't include her in it. We've been friends since 4th grade, get over yourself! I can't say it enough...the world does not revolve around you just because you dated my best guy friend. Nikki IS my best friend. But I always put Sunnie first in everything. I stopped talking to Tim, because she said he hurt her, and it hurt her even more for me to be his friend. But he didn't stop being mine. I hate myself for giving things up on her behalf all the time...Nikki is my best friend, because she actually takes the time to know me. She knows everything about me. She can finish all my sentences for me. She loved Tim too...but she knows he and I were friends. She loves that we still are. Because she knows me, and she knows how much Tim means to me. We go way back. Sunnie still hasn't gotten the picture yet. He's my friend. Her making out with him one time too many didn't change that, and never will. He didn't use her to get to me, so she can't even draw a comparison there. I owe her nothing.

So she read the journal, because she's jealous. Flat out simple jealous. I'm close with my friend, and she wants to be me in that scenario. I'm flattered....ha! What did she read in that journal...oh yeah. NOTHING! She read what Nikki wrote about wondering if Tim Beier had told Klecker that Nikki knew the information Sunnie herself told her, and she wondered what he thought about her knowing about it. It was nothing she didn't know you complete and total SPAZ! As far as me not letting the two of them be friends...where in the world does that come from? How could she think that low of me? She's insane...I can't stand it. She doesn't know me at all. She doesn't know one single thing about me! She's completely involved in her own little world, with her own little circle. She wants to keep these circles so separate...but she wants everything in my circle to become a part of hers, and she wants me out of all the circles altogether! Well, that's not up to me. Talk to the people you want to take away from me, Sunnie...seriously. I'll always be their friend....

I love how she said never a boyfriend too...that's great. Lovely. She said it all stabs you in the back. Like TIm did? If that's what she thinks, then why is she trying so hard to be his best and closest friend? Stop contradicting yourself, psycho. Wake up and realize that everyone has their own life, own problems, and own circle. Maybe YOU'RE the one who's out of the picture. Before you hurt someone else, I just thought you should have a little wake-up call. Are you awake yet?

Anyway! Okay, that's the last time I write about that. THat's it, that's final. I'm done hurting and feeling bad for nothing. I'm breaking all my bad habits. Anyway! So. Ahem...moving on. Tomorrow is the theater banquet. Yay fun! I'm excited! This past Monday, Tim Beier and I went to a movie. We saw Bruce Almighty, which is very funny. Especially when the person next to you drops a pop can during the silent serious part! (heh heh, Tim!) Nah, it was fun, and it was nice to spend some time with him.

So in other news, Kelly is moving to New York. Yeah, isn't that fantastic? I'm so excited! She's driving there...WITH ME AND NIKKI!!! ROAD TRIP TO NEW YORK, BABY! How excited am I??? My DREAM! And I get to go with Nikki. Woo-hoo! Kelly has a job in New York as a Nanny for $350 a week! She is so so so so happy! Well...

That concludes this entry....I'm going to go watch a delightfully funny comedy starring my current obsession. Later tators!

AHHHH! So guess why I haven't written...come on! Guess! Because I was GROUNDED AGAIN! Why this time you ask? Well, because someone in this house has been stealing things from my mother...no one *cough* knows who. (Actually we all do, but she didn't confess, so we all had to suffer) Anyway, backing up, up and away!

So, the Alice in Wonderland tea. It was stressful before we actually got there, got ready...yah. I was scared. It went really really well though. Turns out the Mad Hatter (me) had somehow become the villain. Boy did those kids HATE me...in a good way. *laughs*

Well, I really think I should write later. Why? Because I am super pissed off at Sunnie, and I decided not to write it all down until she tells me her side. Whatever that is...I could care less right now...

But besides that, there's an awesome new person at work, and I'm super excited! And my dad took me to a 50's restaurant last night...and I bought myself a new toy! (Will explain later) And gosh darn it, my dreams are way too realistic! I can STILL smell him....uh....bye!

Goodness gracious, am I falling behind with this thing. Okay...I'll be as brief as possible...because quite frankly, I don't want to be writing right now. Hmmm....

So! I got a new bike last night. I am thrilled beyond belief. It is fun it is fun! So what if it is somewhat old fashion granny like? It doesn't make my back injuries any worse, and it's incredibly comfortable. Not one of those world famous butt breakers if you know what I mean. ANYWAY! So, that's thrilling.

Lauryn is gonna be my Alice in the tea thing this saturday! Good glory lordy be. I'm the mad hatter. Which would make me the star. Good thing I have years of day care work under my belt. I have to be annoyingly entertaining. I'm good at that anyway though, right?

Moving right along! Mother's day was fun. I was the favorite child. I spent too much money on her, gave her some awesome things. I'm a great daughter. Still waiting for her to realize that....

Today I worked my butt off. I felt really not good. It was weird. I was dizzy, I was faint, I was over tired....planning this silly Alice tea, working myself to death at work and at home...I've been feeling not good for awhile now. Maybe I'm dying...yeah, please. Hold the tears. Oh wait, there aren't any! Ha! No worries. There wouldn't be from this end either. ANYWAY....

I saw the finale of Dawson's Creek tonight...cried like a baby. It was wonderful! I taped it, of course. This was after Jamie and I went on a bike ride to the beach, which was completely deserted. We bounced around, both pretending we actually know martial arts, throwing sand at each other and what not. Our frolicing ended with a lively little game of "King of the Hill" which was really "King of the pathetic sand mound..." but it was fun, nonetheless. Then we went home, I had to do chores...then I watched Dawson....2 hour finale.

It was so good, seriously guys! It ended the way I secretly wanted it to, but didn't think it would...good glory, I was happy. She chose PACEY! YAY!!!! Which if you don't watch it, you don't care, but I don't care if you don't care, because I care and it made me incredibly happy. Why? Because Dawson bugs me. Not only that, but I simply adore Joshua Jackson. He's fabulous! One big reason why...I was in a movie with the kid. Ah, yes. Mighty Ducks 3! We go way back, yo! Nothing like spending the day with the guy to make you fall madly in love with him. Hopefully he's not shallow like...NEVERMIND!

Well, that basically brings us to the present. I most likely forgot a billion and a half things I would have liked to write down...but I simply cannot recall them at this time. Therefore farewell....I leave you with this. "I am God's art project. If he had a refridgerator...I'd be on it." -e-rok

Well! I missed the Windjammer's show...which if you didn't know already, I really wanted to see. I was planning on Sunnie telling me when it was, since I talk to no one, and no one talks to me. She said she would. She disappears last night with a group of friends, la-di-freakin-da....and when she comes home, I ask her where she was. She says "The Windjammer's Show". I felt like she hit me over the head with a frying pan. I didn't let on that it bothered me. She complains endlessly that Kelly and I don't include her...we include her in every way possible. Never ONCE does she go out of her way to make me feel welcome in any type of scenario. And the Windjammer's show? Choir was MY thing...but geez. She must be thrilled. She has the school to herself, no annoying older sister to cramp her style. Doesn't feel obligated to include me now, since they're "HER SCHOOL EVENTS" and I am completely out of the picture...out of sight, out of mind. It hurts. It hurts REALLY really bad. I won't say anything though, because she'll say something about "I was out with MY friends, not your friends. Excuse me for having a life..." and I seriously can't take another stab wound like that. So I'll keep my mouth shut, thank you...and I'm not exaggerating...she's given me that speech a few billion times. As if I could get any lower...

ANYWAY! Cheer cheer cheer...I only wrote that, because I've been keeping it in, and that's unhealthy. Also, I promised myself I wouldn't hold anything back, just because I am now aware that people actually read this journal. They read it, obviously, because they want to know me. ALL of me. So they'll get it. Gets to be a little too much for you? Harsh reality? Skip over it, don't ridicule me for it later. It's a journal. You can't get mad. HA! So there...onward ever onward

So...my older sister Kelly has taken to sleeping in the bathroom. Not only is that incredibly strange, it's incredibly disgusting! Now, in all fairness, we do have a very nice, very spacious upstairs bathroom. It used to be a bedroom for goodness sake! However, it is now a bathroom, with a missing toilet handle. A broken toilet to put it plainly. Though that stays true, my brother still thinks it is completely acceptable to still USE the broken non-flushing toilet. (For only his 'number ones' mind you) Could you, for one moment, imagine the stench that that creates after awhile? She still sleeps there. My mom has kept a fish tank that she's supposedly going to take care of...the water is almost gone, and most of the fish have already completely rotted away to nothing...very very smelly. Still sleeps in there. Now granted, it's dark and it has a lock but STILL! How completely and totally unsanitary! Not to mention strange...

In other news, I really do like my job. Very very much. I get a lot of hours, paid well plus tips...awesome co-workers, free food pop and juice...it's great. I really really like it. And I'm GOOD at it! No changes there...

I've been out bike shopping lately. I really want a new bike. The last one I had...I sold many many moons ago, so I would have enough money to fly halfway across the country to be with a boy who was in love with my sister...while pretending to like me. If you don't already know that story, then you'll have to ask me about it some other time...because good glory! I cannot write it all down now, I'd be online all night! Well then...

I bought a new movie. "Catch Me If You Can". If you haven't seen it, you should. And if you're gonna buy it, get it at Target. It comes with a free bag of those new "Popables" things. (I got the milky way ones) So, we all watched that last night. I fell asleep...of course. Now, I must ask you all a very important question:

What do you think of this new Orange Mountain Dew phenomenon? This "Live Wire Orange ignited" thing? Personally, I quite enjoy it. Being a fan of orange pop from way back, I was pleasantly surpised when I happened upon this fun new beverage. It's...dare I say...even better than my already beloved "Slice", because it's quite orangey...but still has that Mountain Dew kick to it. I really truly like it. Whew! Not that that's out in the open...moving on (It's only 50 cents for a 20 oz at Target right now...I've purchased a...few....within the last few days...hahaha)

Well! I am currently involved in a rather intruiging conversation about super heros with Tim Beier, and drilling the date JULY 9TH into Jessi Campbell's memory...(The day "Pirates of the Carribean" opens...we are both very excited.) So I fear I must leave you now. Plus, I work tomorrow, and don't feel like being dead when pouring hot tea toward people sitting beneath me....later all! Peace! E-rok out, bay-bay!

Well, I know I don't update enough anymore. I'm very sorry. I can't remember properly what's been going on with me recently, I apologize. I work a lot...I love my job! It's amazing. I'm perfect there. Get this...I'm even writing a "Titanic Murder Mystery Tea" starring me, as the loud boistrous british gossip queen. How great is that? Wonderfully wonderful if you ask me! What else has been going on with me...oh, yes. There's always that...

I've decided to enter this Christian talent competition. Much like American Idol...only without the TV show...hahaha. Anyway, grand prize? A recording contract! There's this certain aspect yet to be determined, but we'll see what we see! Wish me luck! PRAY for me!

Onward ever onward. My parents are officially completely insane...I had an overall good weekend. I worked on Friday and Saturday, which I really truly honestly don't mind. Saturday was prom night for everyone I know...not me though. Home alone I was...well, no not really. I watched "Halloween: Resurrection" with my brother. It was giggles. On Sunday, Kelly Jamison and I went and saw the new X-Men flick...truly enjoyable...up until the end. Stupid ending. I should be a film critic. Maybe I could make some people forget to be stupid...hehehe. Today (monday) I didn't work, so Kelly and I went to see...don't laugh... "The Lizzie McGuire Movie". It's a guilty pleasure of ours, that show...

After the movie, we met up with Nikki at Sbarro, for our weekly baked ziti outing. Nikki had to fill me in about prom. Anything and everything. The ups, the downs...I wish I could have been there with her. ANYWAY! Today....I'll try to make this as short as possible...

When my mom got home, she had Jamie and I unload this painting from her car that we can't afford. We brought it in, Jamie was arguing with her, he let go without thinking, and CRASH! There went the painting, the glass shattering all over the kitchen floor. My mom went quiet psycho, and retreated to the living room, mumbling something about us intentionally trying to ruin her...after that, Kelly Jamie and I disappeared into my room to watch a movie, as our parents had another money battle. Voices rose, and all of the sudden my dad popped into my room, commanding us to follow him to the basement to tear up the moldy carpet...we thought he was joking, until we heard mom screaming at us hysterically to listen to him. We paraded downstairs, while my mom screamed/cried hysterically...out of control bloody murder...I was so confused! She was screaming, tears running down her face "I can't take it anymore! Nobody helps me! This house is falling apart, and I'm the only one keeping it together! I can't do this by myself! You are all so ungrateful!" And other things like that. Claiming we never did anything. I looked around...the house was spotless. Why? I had cleaned it all this morning, on my DAY OFF!!!!!! Freak...total freak. She's mostly irritated with Kelly, I guess. The basement is trashed with her stuff, etc etc etc...whatever. Didn't make me feel any better. SO! We all went down to tear up carpet, feeling terrible about ourselves. I had a severe asthma attack... la di da...all better now.

So, that basically sums up where we are now. My dad thanked me a lot for helping. I get to go back to work tomorrow. After watching one and a half episodes of Dawson's Creek of course! So, I guess I must be off. I'm over tired...too much "not doing anything". Later tators!

Hello all! Long time no write, I know. The play ended wonderfully. The cast parties were a blast on Friday and Saturday! On Saturday, Tim and Tim came to see the show. I had been having a..."problem" before they got there. Joel came to the show, and of course...I hoped for the impossible, and was too scared to do anything about it. Ashley came to the Friday show, and when I was on stage, she was the only person not looking up. So you can only guess how that went. Oh, well. I'm sick of trying.

I've spent my whole life worrying about other people. When the story ends, I end up by myself, left behind in the dust. I give too much of myself away, and stupid, stupid me...sometimes I let myself believe I might get the same in return. Never. Stupid hope...it's abandoned me before, I wish it would now. Sometimes hope seems overwhelmingly overrated. Hoping sets you up for unbelievable disappointment if you ask me.

I didn't let it get to me...too much. I will tell you this though. On Saturday, I figured Joel would come. He always goes to the last show. However, I was not as prepared as I would have liked to believe I was to see both Tim and Joel at the same time. I hadn't seen Tim Beier since my party way back in March. We've resolved things online, but come now. Online drama! Good glory. So I wasn't as ready as I thought. On top of those already rather difficult scenarios, bad things had been happening to me all day, which just kept weighing me down, and making me weaker and weaker...too weak to handle the approaching evening. I had what I can only describe as a panic attack after Tim and Tim got there. I had to quickly excuse myself, so everything I had been holding in forever didn't burst out in front of the entire audience.

I rushed backstage, and found Kaitlin, who knows almost everything about everything. I told her I couldn't do it...any of it. (She knew what I was talking about, I won't record it here) and then I just burst into tears. I stopped handling everything momentarily. Sometimes you just have to let it out. I need to do it more often, methinks. Anyway, there was suddenly a circle of support around me. Gosh, I love theater. Megan Koegel was there, and she has become extremely important. She seemed as if she were about to cry when I gave her a thank you gift and a card. I gave her Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and Piglet beanies dressed up as the Beatles. (They no longer sell the Eeyore Ringo...) I think Megan knew what I was talking about, when I had said to Kaitlin back there "I try so hard to make things better. I've done it all my life, but no one else wants to even try. They'd rather shun me and blame me for things I had no control over. I put myself in too many stupid situations, and they all catch up with me at the same time. I can't win." Megan growled, and shook her head. I thought she was mad at me. I guessed she wasn't when she came to check on me in the dressing room to make sure I was okay, and told me "I love you so much!" and we laughed.

After I composed myself, I realized I was supposed to be onstage soon to introduce the show, thank people, etc etc. I ran around to the front of the theater, and swung the door open. My jaw dropped as I realized Holly was already talking onstage. Then she shouted "There she is! Eeryone turn and point!" So everyone in the audience turned around and looked at me, applauding. When I got up on stage, I was presented with a beautiful bouquet of roses from my cast and crew. After our "speech" I went back into the audience and sat between Tim and Tim. Beier asked if I was better now. I lied, and said yes. Lying is never good, but he doesn't want to know about my problems, so what was I supposed to say? I loved having Klecker around me again. We had a blast watching the play, it's hysterical afterall. I was so proud of them. Klecker and I had fun remembering events from our own theater experiences.

After the play, I had to lock up. Which means waiting for everyone else to leave. Klecker and I layed on the couch on stage, and tried in vain to recite our favorite scene from "Harvey". We picked up right where we left off with our Mary/Edward routine. I miss him so much...

Well, I don't want to make this a long entry. I'm not even supposed to be online right now! Yes, I know. Total rebel... the party that night was right by my house! I didn't know that until we got there. I showed Lauryn my room. Tim and Tim came with me. I talked to my mom, told her where we were, how late it would go. She claims that never happened...which is why Sunnie and I got in huge trouble/kicked out/grounded/yelled at/screamed at....because we never called. i walked home instead, but mom says I never did...oh well. They make me laugh. My dad isn't speaking to us, I guess. All the better for us if you ask me!

After the cast party, Tim and Tim came over and hung out in my room for a little while. It was fun, and I hope we can hang out again soon. I didn't realize how much I truly missed Klecker until he had to leave again...*whines*! ANYWAY....yesterday was set strike. I hid from the work like I usually do. Lauryn and I hid in the costume loft and told each other our life stories. It was very fun! I love her so much...she's great. She and I are SERIOUSLY going to do a lot of stuff this summer. So are the other "Cocktails" people. Never ending cast party this summer! Yeah, baby! Brett, Kaitlin, Kyle, Nicole, Lauryn, Drew and I all went to Applebee's last night. We were there for hours! It was so much fun. I love those guys, man. I love hanging out with Drew, too. I never knew I would. He wants to be a writer. Need I say more? *laughs* He said he wanted the advice of a professional. We all talked with him about his current girlfriend problems. He and I ended up talking about it one on one in the parking lot. We "took a walk". Because I was the only person who has actually conversed with his girlfriend. Never in a million years would I think that Drew Combs would ever want to "Talk to me privately" *laughs* If that would have happened early last year, Sunnie woud have slaughtered me! He's gonna do a lot of stuff with us this summer, too! Never ending cast party yo yo yo! Movie fests, beach parties, costume parties! And of course the banquet! I don't think I've ever been this close with an ENTIRE cast before. Not ever, i don't think. I love them all soooooo much. Lauryn and I are already going through withdrawal. We already planned out a time for me to call her today. She's....so amazing. One of my best friends, I can honestly say. I gave her something I never told anyone about. The something I had in my pocket everytime I got a part in a play. It's legendary. Well, anyhoo....after Applebee's, I came home, then Kelly and I went to the last showing of "Identity". Kelly really liked it. I didn't like it as much as I hoped I would. It was...eh...okay. Then we went to Perkin's at around 11 something. Then I fell asleep...then I woke up this morning, watched Dawson's Creek for 4 hours, while cleaning the house. Then my mom woke up. Joy joy joy...enough said. And so now, I am done writing in here. I shall write again when something interesting happens! Later, over and out. Peace, yo!

Well! Tonight was opening night. Thanks for the prayers, everyone, it was FANTASTIC! There were a few goofs, but that's to be expected. They were amazing, I looked amazing...as amazing as I can, and I felt great about it...(I got hit on!....I think....perfect stranger, but fun all the same.) The audience laughed at every remotely funny part, and I couldn't have been happier. It was awesome. I was awesome! The play went spectacular, I can't say enough about it.

Afterward, the cast and crew went to the traditional Thursday night Perkin's party. Lauryn Zinke and I (Who is my TWIN, I swear) Discovered that we are so much alike. We got the ball rolling when we both ordered a lemonade at the exact same time. Then we decided to split a chicken caesar salad, because it's our favorite. Then that lead to movies, music, etc etc etc. Now we've decided we're going to have girly get togethers and talk until the sun comes up.

Perkin's was a blast, I got to learn things about people I didn't know before. Such as Drew wanting to be a published Science Fiction author? Which lead to him asking me all about my writing, every part of my writing...AHH! That's always an interesting conversation. It was fun getting to know more about him. And more about...*cough* Nevermind!

It was a grand time. I was sad to see it end. I learned that Matt Wood si going to be famous, and that I am determined to keep in touch with him! Reason being because I'm going to be mentioned in his Oscar speech if it kills me! *laughs*

I have a confession to make. A quick one, because I'm tired and need to sleep, so I can get up and work tomorrow! I miss being the star. I can't say it any other way! I miss the applause, I miss the "Oh, you were so good up there", and I miss the flowers. The bouquets of flowers! Tonight, Dan Dutcher's mom gave me a rose, and I almost cried! She was the only one. I'm not saying that I deserve all these flowers or anything...it's just that...I wish I could have some. It's such a great feeling. I don't know, I can't explain it. You know what I REALLY want though? Laugh all you want, but I'm being honest. A BOYFRIEND to come to one of my theatrical endeavors, and HE gives me flowers. That's going to happen to me....someday. It's such a silly trivial thing to fantasize about, but you go without it your whole life, and you do fantasize about it. Silly things...but they're not silly to me. They're dreams...silly to some. You know...another confession.

I've been watching a lot of Dawson's Creek lately. It's on every morning before I go to work. Here's my confession. I want very very badly to have a guy best friend. Like Jen and Jack, or Joey and Dawson...I'm just so jealous! I don't know why it's so different...I just want a guy best friend. I want a guy friend to call me regularly, because we're best friends. I want to go with him places, because we're best friends. And then I'll have a boyfriend, in addition to my guy best friend. And when the boyfriend turns to crap, my guy best friend will be there for me, and reinstate over and over again that not all guys are evil. Afterall, my best friend would be a guy...so if you're a guy, and we're ALREADY friends, step up to the plate and be my ultra-close best friend! I want I need I crave! I have no other positive male role models in my life...*pouts*

Well, that's that. Guy best friend, wherever you are...bring me flowers tomorrow night. I need the smile. Peace out, e-rokin forever more.