Life is fun! - Or at least it can be - Anyway. Things are getting back to normal. Just needed to breathe. Yesterday was crazy, but possible. I made it work. What am I talking about? I'll explain.

Yesterday was Tuesday...crazy drive-thru shift. But some of my regulars are just so great, it's hard not to smile. They're so sweet! They like me, they REALLY like me! Ba-ha-ha. Anyway! So...crazy shift, went home... mom and I were going to go see Ice Princess, but I knew she would change her mind. She went to "return a few things" and said she'd be back in an hour. HAH! Not likely. It's okay. I took a nap. Then I continued with my back to back viewings of Superman 1-4. I finished #3 and then remembered I had to return a movie to the library.

No car! So I walked. Er...without my inhaler. Oh, well. Wasn't that cold! Except that it was! But I figured out a trick. I had my headphones on listening to RJ Helton. If I can't HEAR how bad my breathing is, I don't panic as much and I'm just fine. I can feel how tight and strained it is, but I'm not as gaspy. Cool, huh? Not really.

I came home and wrote a bit of a little somethin somethin, and then I started #4 at like...a quarter after five. I ate some soda crackers and drank some Sprite. I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired and just plain...ill. I'm creating a monster! I really am. Anyway, anyway. At 6:30 Kathy Stauff picked me up to gow ith her and plan out the Good Friday service. YAY!

No, it was fine. I always enjoy spending time with my sister's boyfriend's mother...weird yet true. But anyway! We read all the scripture readings, and came up with all these scenes, and then we raided the costume room...well, the heater/sewing/junk room... and found costumes for Mary, (me) Mary Magdalene (Sunnie) Peter, John, and Jesus. We needed three guys, so we decided Paul would be one of them, and then we raided the college and young adults group to find two more. And we did! These two amazing lifesaver guys...Joe and Andy. I don't know their last names, but I know they're Jesus and Peter! *whew* We spent a lot of time on it, and my head was spinning. But we got it done. Then I found out something fabulous!

Kathy and Sarah told me they saw the church budget, and there was a new program that they were allocating money to. Guess what it is? DRAMA! There's an existing drama program! I can't believe it! And I'm in charge...that terrifies me. That's...going to be a lot of work. We're going to do a prop and costume drive...I'm in charge...I'm in charge...it's mine, mine, mine...

As much as I love the directing aspects, I miss being on stage. I told Kathy that. So what does she do? She calls her sister who works for Oops! Dinner theater. AHHH! That's the same place Becky from The Avalon Tearoom called and told them that "There's a girl in White Bear you need to have on your stage!" Craziness.

So that was yesterday. I was so dead when I got home. Went online quick to check my e-mail. Got one from Perry about upcoming leaders events, and one from Pastor Steve about upcoming sermon series meetings. Lots of hard work on the horizon. But I won't back down!I hope I hope I hope...

Today, got up at the butt crack of dawn and went to work. I WASN'T on drive-thru...I didn't quite know what to do with myself. Aaron is in highschool, so he's the afternoon drive-thru pro, but he took my place this morning...(he's not so good at the morning rushes) and I was his super-glue. (I get everything people order in the drive-thru) For some reason Kate was really in an un-good mood. I can deal with that, really. But...she decided that she would take it out on me, not everyone else. So...she just wouldn't talk to me all day. Okay... I had a blinding headache. Literally. Every few minutes I'd get this horrible pain behind my eyes and semi-black out. Shaking the whip canisters today almost threw me over the edge! I was so overly happy to leave work today. Then I had my "date" with Kristin.

She picked me up, I went over there to visit with her and Edmond. He's...HUGE! So much hair! I took pictures. He's not only walking, he's running...it was almost depressing. I love that little boy so much. He's still so cuddly. No talking yet, but he held my hand and showed me his new world. It was almost like he remembered me. I wonder if he did.

Mike wouldn't acknowledge me presence...oh, well. Whatever. I was there only for a little while. He's such a cute little boy. I love him and miss him so much. So so much.

I came home and tried to get script stuff done. I tried to get things accomplished, but I felt so not good! I went online for a little while, and BJ called me on his break. Then I helped mom in the laundry room and then I fell asleep. When did I wake up? Oh, 8:30!!! What the crap? I missed half of Alias! So I couldn't watch the second half. Then I made myself dinner. And now here I am writing in here!

Mom and Sunnie just came home. Mom bought me an outfit at Old Navy. Yay! *grins* Now I'l talking to Paul and Lee online...but Sunnie needs the internet. She's so funny... she gave me sunglasses because they made her nose look crooked. Te-he-he! She makes me laugh.

So... that's life for now. I work at 5am again, so I should go to bed. Thanks for listening! For those of you who read this...please pray that my health problems stop being problems. I prefer seeing to blindness, and smiles to vomit. So! Love you, take care.

Me

Craziness!

The world seems a little...off lately. All the things I'm used to haven't been there. It's confusing. Let's see. Where do I begin? I have to make this as short as possible.

Elke is being so nice to me, she really is. She wants me to stay. She keeps saying "Oh, Corrie!" Like I'm just so adorable. And "Corrie, you are SO good at your job!" No negative critiques, like I used to get.

Day before yesterday (which was Friday) I had a blah day. One of those...blah days. I worked from 5:30-11 on drive-thru (surprise surprise) and then I went home. I took a nap, then my mom went shopping. I was planning on taking myself to the movies, because Sunnie is gone for the weekend and loaned me her car. (woo!) So what do I do when I could be mobile? I stay home and watch a movie that made me bawl my eyes out on Lifetime. Makes sense. It was really snowing a lot though!

After that movie, I attempted to write. But I was sad. For a variety of reasons really. I just felt...off. I talked to Kristin for awhile, and she e-mailed me pictures of Edmond...he's so old. It was so depressing. I'm going over there on Wednesday, I guess.

I sat and stared at the wall for awhile. (Really) I thought about a lot of things. A lot of the things I thought about I had thought about before. So far, that's all I can do. Think about them. I waited on the couch for Jamie to get home. The day before had been his 16th birthday, and we had planned to watch the present I gave him the next day. (Earthsea)

He got home, and I was almost relieved. Enough time by myself, dummy! Gives me too much time to wallow. So, we watched the movie (it was good! Better than I thought) with dad, actually. He'd come home early. Then mom came home...after that movie, I went to bed. Early... and slept. Slept too much. I never woke up like I usually do. The phone never rang like it usually does. Saturday therefore, was very off balance.

I woke up at 5:30 on Saturday, gave myself roughly 10 minutes to get ready. (So I'd have enough time to remove the mountain covering Sunnie's car) Went to work, they put me on drive-thru. (DUH!) And it was the slowest thing EVER! Normally there's never a break in the cars. I only had two rushes my whole shift! I was so...confused. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was aggrivated, because not having my continuous 'I want to kill myself I'm so busy' drive-thru, my mind had way too much time to wander. It wasn't good. Thankfully...my shift ended without too much mental damage.

Everyone had been so nice and funny...that it didn't feel right. Like there was a secret I didn't know abou. I walked out to the car, and noticed I had two new voicemails. The first one was from Amy Turnbull, who's Pastor Steve Turnbull's wife, who wanted me to come up with something fabulous for Good Friday. HA! A little too late for that. I still don't even have a proper name database for all these people! Grr argh!

The second message was from Dom Rodriguez. Who's that? Oh! Well he's the father of the kids I was a nanny for in NY. Basically, it was a message begging me to come back. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That's what I did. I laughed! Yeah right! What the crap! Never in a bazillion years! If I move outta this place, I'm not moving east again, I guarantee it! I prefer the south...

So, that was hilarious. I went home and fell asleep...in my coat and Caribou clothes. My mom laughed hysterically. I just literally fell over on my bed with one arm over my head...flat on my back. I don't know why I was so tired.

My mom decided the whole family was gonna go to Eagle Brook last night, then out to dinner at Buca, and then to the movies to see The Ring Two. So we did...

I don't like Eagle Brook, and it was like a recession in a way, like I was sliding back. My old life wanted me. New York, Eagle Brook... but I want no part of it. No! The service was blah, and I wanted to leave. It all feels so fake to me. All the high tech presentations don't say anything to me except "ooh, look how we use your money! Give us more so we can make another movie montage!" It bothers me. They don't even have a cross anywhere visible in that entire building. Except on Easter. BAH!

Afterward, we ran into Amy Carey...whoa...and Paula Bolt. We talked to Paula for a long time (mom and I) Well...more like I stood there with a few sarcastic comments. i couldn't help it, I was crabby! Paula suddenly turned to me and says "I just can't believe how pretty you are. You're beautiful! You've grown into such a beautiful woman." And I was like...um...k...

THen we went to Buca, and that was fun. My crabiness went away for awhile. Then to the movie. I sat next to Jamie. Jamie likes to touch my arm. When he wants to show me things, when he's scared, just when he wants to tell me something. Not just my arm, my shoulder...he likes to tap. Lately, I've despised it all of the sudden. "Don't touch me!" And not just from Jamie. I don't like anyone to touch me. They're not...the right people. The affectionate...whatevers aren't the affection I need anymore. Ready for the next station in life, please. It's weird...but I'm being so un-nice, and I can feel it. I'm tired of so many of my undeserved responsibilities. But I can't get out without help. And back to New York is NOT the answer. Ha!

Anyway, time for church. Write more soon... argh.

Corrie

I'm so tired all the time. I don't think it's because I don't get enough sleep, it's because I just have to constantly get up at the crack of dawn. It's really tiring! I fall asleep really early, and then I wake up at a "normal" bed time. Then I can't sleep. Then BJ usually calls. (yay, my favoritest thing) After I talk to him, I can sleep peacefully. Then I wake up...and work. Then I come home, and sleep...and then work on other things. Argh.

Anyway...nothing unusual to report. Well, there probably is, but I won't put it all over the internet. So, it's Wednesday, and I'm watching Alias. It hasn't been too exciting. So, I'm writing while I'm watching it.

I get teased if I open my mouth these days. I'm being such a girl. I can't help it. AHHHHGGG... oh, well. Kate is such a character. She's hilarious. But she won't leave me alone. Why? Guess.

So...how boring is this entry? Very. I know I should be writing something else right now...like the story I was supposed to update forever ago. I don't feel like writing about someone else's love story. Bleck... Oh, well. Can't disappoint my public. Or "You Know Who You Are" - I still think that should be your screen name! That would be hilarious! Who am I talking about? He knows who he is. He told me so. HA!

Ok, I'm so boring... I really am. Well, off I go to watch Wife Swap.

Always, Me

So... I wanted to quit Caribou. Now I'm not so sure. Elke is trying to be really accomodating. Kerry and I get along really well, he makes me laugh. Adam...well, he's Adam. Kate is my favorite person there... there's nobody I don't like, except Elke sometimes...but she's really trying to make me like her.

The new assistant manager just happens to be Carrie Dahlke, who was my best friend in 5th grade. Interesting, no? I thought so. She and I are already fast pals again. I don't have to worry about working to get on her good side. Bwa-ha-ha.

The biggest reason I want to stay, is there are two places I want to go this summer, and I'm pretty sure Elke could make that happen. The missions trip to Mississippi is in June, and I plan on visiting BJ in July for his birthday. We'll see what happens.

So, in other news. I got my written retraction in the newspaper after a long battle. It says I wrote it, but it was based on Kelsey's idea. No problem there, that's the truth. Did I say that already? I may have...I don't remember.

I'm the speaker this Monday for GetDown, and I haven't even started my lesson plan yet. What day is it? Saturday? Oh, yeah. Oops. I'll get it done tomorrow...or Monday afternon. CRAP! I work til' 5 on Monday. Scratch that idea. DANG. I'll do it during my time off from 9:30-11. IF that really happens. We'll see.

So I'm pretty sure I figured this one thing out, and I'm pretty positive I see the other side, but just in case I'm wrong, I'm not going to say anything else. I just want to document the possibility. The day I thought I was right... hahaha moving on.

Mom's driving me nuts. She says I owe her months of back rent, because she's been really nice, and hasn't been making me pay. She now says that I owe her all the coins in my tip jar... and gas money galore. Every time I drive her car, I put gas in it. Then she asks me for gas money outside of that, because "Corrie, I never drive my car! YOu drive it everyday!" Okay...let's look at that. I drive it most mornings, about 2 blocks away to CARIBOU! Well, maybe a mile...but still! And then SHE drives downtown Minneapolis. Hmmm...5 minutes versus 45 minutes. 2 blocks of highway versus miles and miles of 70mph freeway? Who uses the gas? And she goes shopping EVERY DAY! I spend 10 dollars every two days, and that's not enough. If I complain, I'm ungrateful and selfish.

Today...oh boy. She loves wasting all the gas zipping around everywhere, so when I go to work, I have to put gas in it just to get home. (I work across the street from a gas station) So! I didn't work today, so she asked me to go fill up the car. I told her i didn't have any money, and she freaked out. I got up before her, so I could have the house cleaned for her anniversary today. Then she trashed it...coffee filters, dishes, coffee spills, food... the living room...ahhh. How does she manage it? I don't know. So...she has me drive Jamie to work, and I come home...without having gone to the gas station. I literally have 2 dollars in my wallet. She goes absolutely insane! She starts screaming at me "I can't believe you! YOu don't put gas in my car, you don't unload the trunk and take the bags out like i asked (which she didn't) You just sit there!" Then there was a nice "Come down here right now and clean up the kitchen and living room! It's filthy! Do I have to do everything?" Then she slammed the door and drove away. So...I re-cleaned the house, and now here I am. Ready for a nap. I'm not sure, but I MAY have been on the phone til 6am. (hahaha)

BJ called at 8 something, then had to go, called back at 9:20ish, and we talked for awhile...until Lauren came in and violated our agreement. Oh, yes. She did. Then he called back close to 11. Had to take Lauren and friend to Wal-Mart at around mid-night. Then he texted me to see if i was awake around 3...I was. So, he called. That's that. 6am bed time. It was heavenly. We're almost talking about the things we never talk about. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway...I'm gonnago throw things at my mom's wall now... after I make her bed. Bah. Later taters.

Corrie

Word. For all of you who read my blog...I know there are thousands. Don't forget you can leave comments! Click on the time by the entry you want to comment on, and it will bring you to the appropriate page. Yup. That's what ya gotta do!

It's so dang early in the morning. I really don't have time to write in here, I have to go to work. But i was eating breakfast for the first time in a long time, and just sort of landed in my desk chair. Go figure. I feel odd not typing something while sitting here. So...here I am.

Can someone tell my head to shut up? Thank you. A little louder next time. Well, I have to go and dig through my mom's room in the dark to find her car keys. Argh. How poointless was this entry? Very.

I love you all!

Corrie

BAH! I don't feel well. All I want to do is sleep. Coming down off of such an emotional roller coaster, my gosh. I'm so exhausted. Here's the short version:

I wrote to the newspaper, I put that letter in here. The newspaper wrote back. I wrote to them because Kelsey said she was misquoted. The newspaper said otherwise. Observe:

"What was in the article was what Kelsey Marrin told me - I double checked my notes. I also called the Drama Club advisor and she also told me that Kelsey was the primary writer of the play, that you had limited involvement in writing it and that she was aware of your accusation. Unless I have documented proof that the article was inaccurate, I cannot run a correction. Kristine GoodrichWhite Bear/ Vadnais Heights Press"

Yay! Isn't that just the funnest? So, I called Kelsey, but her mom answered. She kinda lectured me about how I need to not accuse, Kelsey deserves at least a co-writing credit, and we needed to discuss legal matters. AHHH! I bawled my eyes out. Guess who got to hear me? BJ.

Thank God for Kelly and BJ, because without them I probably would have done absolutely nothing. I would have cried, sulked, kicked the dirt and held a grudge for the rest of my life. Poor them, because they hear all the tears. I'd like to think I've been there for them too. I know I've tried with Kelly, but I feel like I'm not giving as much as I'm taking from BJ. He says I've helped him out in ways I don't even know, but...I don't know, therefore...I don't know.

Anyway...I'm very grateful for both of them. It's nice to have people to talk to. So, my parents read the reply from the newspaper without telling me, and mom and dad were sooooooo mad. They sprang into action. We called people about copywrite laws and all that fun stuff. Mom called the newspaper and the theater director behind my back, but i guess it worked out ok. After long battles, we got the paper to agree to a retraction. They wanted to give Kelsey a co-write credit, but in script writing... it actually has to do with WRITING, and all Kelsey gave was an idea, which is exactly what she should get the credit for. So, the retraction is going to say that it's a play written by Corrie Killmer, based on an idea by Kelsey Marrin. And seeing as how that's the absolute truth, I don't have a problem with that. I talked to Kelsey, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with that either.

She still maintains the fact that the newspaper ignored the fact that she listed myself as writer. Whatever... I don't know if I believe that.

Anyway, moving on. I've decided to find another job. Caribou isn't... it just isn't anymore. It's the most work I've ever done for the least amount of money. I know I can do better than that. For sure. I get in trouble for things that shouldn't be my responsibility, and that pisses me off royally. So I won't be there too much longer. Hopefully I won't be in MINNESOTA for too much longer. i don't know how much for of this frigidness I can take.

So, I'm sure I have other things to talk about, but I can't think of anything right now. I have to go to bed now. I've had to wake up at 4 every day this week, and it's really beginning to kill me. Today I was sooo out of it, I slept enough. But not enough. I think I'm sick. Maybe I got it from BJ...over the phone, all the way over there in Alabama. Ha! Well...

Nobody really reads this thing, I don't think... but since my other peeps have but this is their blogs/journals, I might as well follow suit. Don't want to be the "uncool" one.

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. Do you have a crush on me?

5. Would you kiss me?

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

7. Describe me in one word.

8. What was your first impression?

9. Do you still think that way about me now?

10. What reminds you of me?

11. If you could give me anything what would it be?

12. How well do you know me?

13. When's the last time you saw me?

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

So that's it for now then. I shall leave you with a parting thought I had today. We had abandoned donuts @ work. Kate gave one to me. I looked at the donut all day. I said no. "Think boyfriend. Think guy. No donut. Think skinny!" And then guess what thought won? "You don't have a boyfriend. You have a donut. Love the donut." And then the donut got eaten by yours truly. That pesky inner voice. But alas. I have (had) the donut.

Bye!

Today was... fun. Not really. It started out in panic. I was scheduled to work at 5:30am. I got there at 5:28. Nobody else was there. Not only that, but I forgot today was Saturday! Every oter day we OPEN at 5:30. Saturdays we open at 6. So, no one else was there, the store was locked up, and I thought we were already open. I panicked. I panicked even more when the milk delivery man showed up. He had about 70 cases of milk, each case containing 4 gallons. That's a lot of milk. He was sooooo mad. "What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't come back! This is ****. This is ****** ridiculous!" What was I supposed to do about it? It's not like I have a key or anything. So, Elke showed up at about 5:70. Turns out she was late, because she was speeding and got a ticket. How ironic! We had to rush like crazy to open in time. Nothing like adrenaline to get you going in the morning. Then I worked drive-thru from 6-11. The day went by pretty fast, we were insanely busy.

So that's work. The rest of the day? My gosh. I've had a horrible headache. No matter how many drugs I take, it will only go away for about 15 minutes. I got home from work at 11:15 and wanted to take a nap. So, I layed down on my badly unmade bed...the sheets took themselves off while I was laying still last night, I swear! Anyway...I was SLEEPING for all of five minutes when mom came in and asked me to make her bed. WHATEVER! But I did it anyway.

I then went back to nap time. At around 12:30 I was listening to mom and Jamie argue in the hallway. So I woke up. Mom left, and dropped Jamie off at work. I got up, cleaned my still messy from unpacking room, and checked my e-mail. BJ called for a brief moment, and then I decided to make myself something to eat. I had a chicken pot pie, clementines, and a blueberry scone. Nice, huh? I thought so. I watched half of the movie "Blow" on USA, and then my dad came home. He went to go take a nap. Sounded nice to me! Plus...my headache was soooooo bad.

I went back upstairs and watched the special features on "Raise Your Voice" and then I fell asleep around 5. I woke up at seven something, and decided to write Lara a letter. My phone rang shortly after, and I dropped it and almost killed it. I ended up hanging up on BJ, but all was well. I called back, and we talked for awhile.

Mom came home shortly after, and begged me to watch "Ray" with her. Well, I tried but she would not shut up! I made a "huff" noise, and she asked me to leave. No...forced me to. I didn't object all that much. I missed most of it anyway. So, here i am writing about my pointless day for no good reason, really. Ah, well.

So...I'm nervous about that response from the newspaper. If I actually get one, that is. If not...I guess I'll have to call, dang it. I'll have to write myself out a script first, just in case. Haha!

I guess that's all for now. Later!

Me!

I have to be brief, because I have to go to bed. Work early early early! But I have to do a real quick re-cap. Sam has left my Caribou and moved to another. Kate stomped a mouse to death. Scuse me, it was a shrew. I've been corrected so many times. Anyway! Elke wants me to be a shift supervisor, but I don't wanna. Adam is the new guy, and at first I didn't like him...but he's turning out to be pretty cool! Pretty similar to myself in some ways. The whole youth leader, drama geek, singer and writer thing...yeah that. So! That's work in a nutshell. Moving on.

I took a big step in the whole resolving the Kelsey thing. I wrote to the newspaper. If you're reading this Kelsey, I'm nothiding anything from you. I'm trying to find out the truth, since you're not being straight with me. So! Here's a copy of the letter for ALL to read:

To Miss Goodrich, and whomever else the following might concern:

I am writing in regards to an article that appeared in your publication on Wednesday, February 16th 2005.

Miss Goodrich wrote an article entitled "Actors gain backstage perspective" highlighting three one-act plays that were to take place on February 18th and 19th at White Bear Lake Area High school. One of these plays was "Channel 13" and the information surrounding that play is what I am writing to you about.

The following is an exact quote from your publication:
"Holman and Marrin are co-directing "Channel 13," a comedy, written by Marrin, about a news broadcast gone awry. "While I was writing it I was envisioning what it would be like in my head," Marrin said. "It's so cool to see it all come together."

I was in Florida at the time this article first made its appearance. My sister, who was home in Minnesota, called my cell phone upon reading the article. The reason why the above paragraph was of so much interest to her, is because "Channel 13" is a completely original one-act play written entirely by myself. Miss Kelsey Marrin did not contribute a single word to the project.
Miss Marrin approached me with a proposal. She wanted to be a student director this year, and asked if I would write a script. I was more than happy to offer my contribution. I was a director in the White Bear school district two years before, and have many ties to that theater. I wrote the script, and turned it over to Miss Marrin to direct. Her direction is as far as her involvement goes.

I was incredibly angry upon reading your article, and really need to know some background information. Consider this a formal request for any available notes from the interview. If it is a case of Miss Marrin claiming the work as her own, this is a serious problem she and I need to discuss.

She claims she was repeatedly misquoted, and your publication blatantly ignored the fact that she listed myself as the author. If this is true, I will have to hold you responsible. Whatever the case, I am asking you for a formal written retraction within your publication.

I had planned to pursue publication of my script, and cannot do that as long as it is in print that someone else wrote it. Your article is preventing me from claiming my own work. Were that article to surface while I was trying to get the script in circulation, I would be accused of plagiarism.

In any case, I deserve the credit for my work, and really hope you understand my frustrations. As far as Miss Marrin is concerned, I really need to know if she claimed the work as her own in your interview with her. A 5 year friendship depends on it. I take my writing very seriously, and this situation has not been taken lightly.

Please get back to me as soon as possible, so that I might know which way to go from here.
Thank you for your time, and I trust in your cooperation in making this right.

Sincerely,

Corrien Killmer

So that's all for now, really. Have to go to bed. Later!

Hey! I'm back! And I'm brain dead. Why? Drama, drama...but when it gets down to the physical part, it's not without reason. We got home from Florida at 3am yesterday morning. I read something that made me want to kill something, and was so fueled with anger, I couldn't sleep. BJ text messaged me, and I wouldn't let him call because I wanted him to sleep (about 4:30am) so instead we text messaged til almost 7! Yeah, makes sense. My dad woke me up at around 8, and I had a brief phone call before I had to drive with my dad to drop off the rental van. After that, I decided to unpack. Still angry, I couldn't sleep. I didn't find sleep til about 1:30 this morning, and then had to wake up at 4:30 for my first day back at work. Nice shift too... 5:30am-5pm.

So, after being on drive-thru all day, my legs don't work anymore, and my head is pounding. But... I think it's primarily because of all the thinking I've been doing. Oh, well. So! The trip. The short version...let's see if there is such a thing.

A Timeline:

Friday, February 4th - Leave at 12pm in our rental mini-van

Sunday, February 6th - Arrive at Orange Lake resort (timeshare condo)

Monday, February 7th - Spend the day at Sea World

Tuesday, February 8th (Kelly's 25th Birthday) Spend day at Disney's Magic Kingdom

Wednesday, February 9th - Take the day off and hang out around the pool

Thursday, February 10th - Sunday February 13th - Cruise to the Bahamas on the "Disney Wonder"

Sunday, February 13th (later) - Check into Vacation Village timeshare

Monday, February 14th - Day off at condo

Tuesday, February 15th-Thursday February 17th - Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure

Friday February 18th, day off at Downtown Disney and Old Town

Saturday February 19th - Disney Animal Kingdom, MGM Studios, Magic Kingdom

Sunday, February 20th (Dad's birthday) - Tuesday, February 22nd --Drive home, Arrive back in WBL MN at 3am

Cool, huh? So, to delve a little deeper into the cool parts, my favorite was the cruise. I finally had an excuse to use all my ship lingo from my 14 year Titanic obsession! All the male employees were beautiful. (Disney doesn't hire ugly people) Peter Pan was amazing, our waiter Rodrigo was heavenly, and gave me a kiss on the cheek on our last day. I got to see a play every night, gained about 100 pounds devouring the most amazing food I've ever tasted in my entire life...got treated like I was the queen of...something good. Got to go to the Bahamas! First trip out of the country. There was a movie theater on board! It was my haven. It's like I created it out of my imagination. I got to forget about things for awhile why I was there. I really do know my way around ocean liners...yay! And I got to be in the middle of the ocean...I just...ugh.

The rest of the trip was good too, minus the obvious family frictions when around each other THAT much. I got really bad food poisoning our last day at Disney, and ended up throwing up A LOT all over the condo parking lot...and my pants. Ew. Prettiness. So anyway...might as well get to the bad stuff now.

I'm pretty sure I wrote about "Channel 13" in here before. I wrote a one-act script for Kelsey Marrin to submit to WBLAHS so she could student direct. I wrote it three tiems actually, and broke two computers. I had multiple nervous breakdowns, and I wanted to die. I worked my butt of, went to Hell repeatedly, but I pulled it off. It ended up being something I'm really proud of! It's hilarious. Kelsey originally said she wanted me to be involved in a lot of the process. I didn't hear from her unless I contacted her, really. I kind of invited myself to two rehearsals, and realized that I was going to be in Florida when the performances actually occured.

When I was in Universal one of the days, Sunnie text messaged my phone and asked "Didn't YOU write Channel 13" my heart plummeted to the ground. I said yes, and she said "That's not what Kelsey told the reporters..." and I couldn't breathe. I went off on a tangent, waiting for Sunnie to explain, and Kelly was just as upset. I ended up calling Sunnie, asking her exactly what the article said. My name was not in it...anywhere. Here's EXACTLY what it says:

"Holman and Marrin are co-directing "Channel 13" a comedy, written by Marrin, about a newscast gone awry. "While I was writing it I was envisioning what it would be like in my head," Marrin said. "It's so cool to see it all come together."

I was heart broken, and furious. She took credit for it. She stole my work. I'm so...beyond angry, beyond upset. I cried, and I cried hard. I trusted her. I really really trusted her.

Sunnie went to go see the play, and told me how wonderful it was. She also told me how Kelsey was listed as lead writer. At least I made second billing for writing every single word of the play I created...but whatever. I'm infuriated. I've been unable to get ahold of Kelsey, but I'm going to write to the White Bear Press and ask for a written retraction. I can't pursue possible publication if it's in print that someone else wrote it! She's...ruining me.

Last night, Sunnie started an AIM conversation with Kelsey. Kelsey didn't want to talk to me... well, that's too bad. Here's the conversation: (Kelly said I wasn't harsh enough. Ha!)

SKillmer19: Hey Kels.

soccerbaby045: Hi

SKillmer19: How ya doin'?

soccerbaby045: I'm alright. And youself?>

SKillmer19: I'm okay.

SKillmer19: I saw your play. Good job directing girl.

SKillmer19: It was funny.

soccerbaby045: Thank you. I saw you but then I didn't

SKillmer19: I had to hurry outa there.

soccerbaby045: Okay

soccerbaby045: I'm glad you saw it

SKillmer19: Best of the three.

soccerbaby045: Thank you

SKillmer19: I think Corrie is a little hurt though.

soccerbaby045: Why?

SKillmer19: She read the White Bear Press.

soccerbaby045: I said her name so many times. I
promise you this.

SKillmer19: Don't promise me, it's okay. I'm just the
sister.

soccerbaby045: ahhh

SKillmer19: ?

soccerbaby045: Nevermind

SKillmer19: Do you want to talk to her?

soccerbaby045: Is she home?

SKillmer19: Yes.

soccerbaby045: I don't know what do say and I dno't
think it would be a great idea right now.

SKillmer19: It doesn't have to be a fight.

SKillmer19: She's right here.

soccerbaby045: I just really can't handle anything
right now. I

soccerbaby045: Nothing against her I just...I need to
go

SKillmer19: Ok, sorry.

soccerbaby045: No, it's okay. It's just crazy right
now. Tell her I'm sorry because I was also upset
about what they didn't say.

soccerbaby045: Because I couldn't have done anything
with out her. She saved my butt

SKillmer19: Hey, this is Corrie

soccerbaby045: hey

soccerbaby045: How was your trip

SKillmer19: Kelsey...

soccerbaby045: yes

SKillmer19: it was good

soccerbaby045: Thats good

SKillmer19: so, here's the t hing. I'm sure things
were said and weren't said in that interview, but...I
wrote Channel 13. Every word. By myself.

soccerbaby045: I know that

SKillmer19: and even in the program, it said you
helped write it, but you didn't, Kels. And I got
second billing. You didn't write it... any of it

SKillmer19: and that really really hurt me

SKillmer19: you DIRECTED it and you did an awesome
job, and I give you the credit for all of that

SKillmer19: but I wrote it

SKillmer19: and I was proud of it, and wanted everyone
to know

SKillmer19: now no one does

soccerbaby045: I told people that you wrote it I told
so many people that you wrote it.

soccerbaby045: Words but you story by me

soccerbaby045: by*

soccerbaby045: Thats what it said on the cover of the
play

SKillmer19: the story wasn't by you. I put that on the
cover because I cherished you and wanted you to be a
part of it. You told me "I want to write a play about
a news cast where everything goes wrong, and they have
a fake hurricane"

SKillmer19: that's not a story. That's an idea. I gave
you undue credit, and that might have been a mistake.
That's not writing it, not at all

soccerbaby045: You're right.

soccerbaby045: I'm sorry I messed everything up. I
will make sure to tell every one I know that you wrote
everything. But I really need to go and I truely am
sorry about everything

SKillmer19: I need to know if you really said what
they quoted in the paper

soccerbaby045: I said so much more.

SKillmer19: but you DID say you wrote it? You took the
credit for it? "When I was writing it I was
envisioning what it would be like in my head..."

SKillmer19: you told them you wrote it?

soccerbaby045: When I was thinking of...the play

SKillmer19: did you say "When I was writing it"

soccerbaby045: Nop

SKillmer19: they made that up?

soccerbaby045 signed off at 9:57:49 PM.

So now she's really truly avoiding me. I'm going to contact the paper and ask for the notes from the interview. I highly doubt a newspaper would decide to lie about who wrote something. They wouldn't deliberately put themselves in that situation. She took credit she didn't deserve, and severely damaged any relationship we may have had. I have a broken heart. I worked so so hard. I didn't know it would end up in losing another friendship. But I can't overlook this, I just can't. If she wanted to be fair, she could have. It was up to her, and her decisions are in print. No escaping that.

This entry is pretty long now, huh? Oh, well. I just have one more thing to do. Things I used to do in there. Song lyrics! My favorite of the moment!! I Finally got the new Kelly Clarkson...since I was one of her first fans and all that...I've done a crappy job of proving it. Anyway! Here we go:

"Hear Me"

you gotta be out there/ you gotta be somewhere/ wherever you are / I'm waiting... / cause there are these nights when / I sing myself to sleep / and I'm hoping my dreams bring / you close to me / are you listening? / hear me i'm crying out / I'm ready now/ turn my world upside down / find me / I'm lost inside this crowd / it's getting loud / I need you to see me / I'm screaming for you to please / hear me / can you hear me? / I used to be scared of/ letting someone in / but it gets so lonely/ being on my own/ with no one to talk to and / no one to hold me / I'm not always strong/ oh I need you here / are you listening? / I'm restless and wild/ I fall but I try / I need someone to understand/ (can you hear me?) / I'm lost in my thoughts / and baby I've fought/ for all that I've got/ can you hear me?

So that's all for now loves! Will write more later. Back to normalcy...what a cruel sentence. I deserve abnormality, i really do!

Later!

Ciao!

I'm so thrown off...I'm so confused! I'm not entirely sure how to function at the moment. What's going on?? Good grief. So! Yesterday...

Yesterday I worked a double shift from 6:30am - 4pm. I had about twenty minutes to sit and do nothing, so I had to make a bunch of phone calls. Business, you know. I think the second shift was more fun than the first. Why?? Because Elke put me on drive AGAIN this morning. It's becoming a regular routine. Not so happy about that. Oh, well. I don't mind it, except for the breathing thing.

The second shift was just me, Katrina, and Emily...so of course it was fun. The weather was AMAZING! Everyone was walking in without coats. IN FEBRUARY! Usually we have another blizzard by now! The snow was melting (people were referring to our drive-thru lane as the Caribou River) and I could see GRASS! Makes sense that Minnesota would get perfect temp weather right as I'm about to go to Florida. Makes perfect sense, uh-huh. Life. SO! Since it was so beautiful, I volunteered to go pick up the garbage around the grounds. It was a dirty, messy, very wet job..but it was SO NICE OUT!

Anyway, my shift ended at 4, and I got out of there about 4:15. I went home, grabbed some LOTR figurines, and headed to church to help Perry make the Getdown Overnighter video. I forgot to bring a girl, so when we had to do the anti-PDA segment, Perry made Lurtz (The lead Uruk-hai from FOTR) and Gimli make out. Gross....

After that, I came home with every intention of doing my laundry. I was sooo tired.... (after getting almost three hours of sleep the night before) and I had sooo much stuff to get done! I was gonna go to Cub and cash in my coins, but I didn't. I went online instead to check my e-mail. The laundry thing threw me off, because my mom told me when I got home that she had already been working on it, and it was almost done. Say what?!? Good grief... I didn't know what to do.

So, it was about 6:30, so I got ready to watch The OC. I tape it every single week just in case somebody missed it. I lay down on my bed and settle in. (bad idea) I woke up at 7:30, half an hour after it had started. BUT-- I was sooo confused, I thought I had slept til 7:30 AM, and I was supposed to be at work by six! I jumped up and had a total freak-out moment, until I realized the TV was on, and the OC was playing. Instead of getting upset about missing that show, I sighed in relief and turned the TV off. So basically, I went to bed at 6:30 pm!!

My whole routine was abandoned, and all the stuff I have to accomplish didn't happen. I didn't talk to a certain somebody, and that threw me off. And the worst part? Oh....I can't even... so today (Friday) I work from 6-11. We're supposed to hop in the van and start our road trip around noon. Last night was my frantic last minute night, and I slept through the whole thing. I HAVE NOT EVEN PACKED YET! So here I am, with a full eight hours of sleep behind me, up at 3am to pack for this trip. I have to pack, then I have to work, then I have to cash in my coins, pick up my pay check, go to the bank, cash my check, go home, load up the rental van, make sure I have EVERYTHING I need, and then fall over dead. Sounds like a good plan to me! So, here I go. To the laundry room to see if my clothes really DID wash themselves.

Hopefully they'll have internet access at the first timeshare or whatever. The last one did! Then I can keep this updated. Unless of course the ship goes down or something, and we all die. YOu'll never know then, will you?!? Oh, well...

So! Until then...

Corrie

I am so annoyed! I really am. Last night, I wrote a nice long entry, and it disappeared. Why? Because I got kicked offline. Oh, well. I don't THINK it said anything important. Not entirely sure. So, we'll just do a quick overview of yesterday.

I worked from 5:30-10:30, and then came home to nap, which didn't really happen. Then Ben called to re-make the lunch plans I wasn't sure we really had. He picked me up at noon and took me to Fazoli's. He paid and everything. I was impressed...considering we've never done anything together...ever. It was nice. We got to talk, which we've never really done on a personal level. I wasn't completely comfortable, but... I told him the surface stuff. After that, he and I went to church for our weekly meeting with Perry. HOWEVER...Ben and Perry meet every week half an hour before I get there, so since Ben was my chauffeur, I had to wait in Ben's office for half an hour until they were ready for me.

I was bored. I tried returning a few phone calls, but none of the people i was calling back answered their phones. Oh, well. I wrote one of my famous "i'm never really going to send this letters..." to someone, and then waited. Perry buzzed me...(fun) and the meeting began. It was pointless for me to be there, because they were planning out the next two weeks of Getdown. Yeah...I'm not even going to be in the same state! Oh, well. Sadly, it's the social highlight of my week.

After the meeting, Ben drove me home. He gave me a big hug and made me promise to REALLY take a vacation. Yeah right... I don't know how!

I attempted yet again to return my phone calls, and had success. I had to walk to the north Campus theater to wach another rehearsal of Channel 13, and I talked to BJ for half the way there. I sort of got myself in trouble with him, I think he was somewhat annoyed with me. Oh, well... I'll get better at what I need to get better at...

I watched the rehearsal (which was SOOO good... and I don't say that to praise myself, really...it was the funniest play I have ever seen. I couldn't believe that they were speaking and bringing to life the words that I had written down in that order... lines that I had made up at 3am! It was just so exciting to watch. They did such a good job! I only wish I could be here to see the real thing...

I walked home, and took a nap. I woke myself up at 7 to press record for the WB (Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill) and went back to sleep. I woke up at nine, and started to watch my video. I went back to sleep at 11 something, and then my nightly phone call happened. Good times.

So that was yesterday! Today...I worked from 5:30 to 10 on the drive-thru. No huge disasters, except I was told I was crabby. I don't think they were serious. OH! One disaster. Since I had to bring mom's car home ASAP, Sam offered to do some of my assigned jobs (we have a list to complete every day for each 'station') so she swept and mopped behind the counter for me. Shortly after that, I decided to um...half leap, half speed walk to the brewed coffee, and did one of those fabulous cartoon like falls. Because my head set cord got caught on the fridge, and my feet slide on the wet floor. It looked just like that scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding! At least I think so. Fortunately for me, only Emily was out there at the time, and she only saw the recovery. Good gracious...

Got off work, went to Target to get all the trip provisions. Took a two hour nap, watched a Lifetime movie with mom, and then it was time to get down to business.

I TOTALLY cleaned out my closet, and then began packing. I spilled shampoo all over my desk...don't ask. I opened the dreaded "summer wear" drawer in my dresser, and was like "This past summer none of this stuff fit.." (See, after coming home from New York, where I lost "stress weight" I gained it all back in happy rejoicing!) I tried on everything in my drawer, and was literally giddy! Everything was too BIG! It was fabulous. I tried on two sundresses mom bought a couple sizes too small to "motivate" me, and they were also a tad too large. YIPPEE! I didn't even have to unbuckle/zip the shorts from two years ago. They almost fall off. Not that I was huge before, but sheesh... good times.

So! I did as much packing as I could, and organized my "In-Van necessities" meaning my entertainment bag... books, computer, DVD player, DVDs, Discman, CDs, Headphones, Power supplies, Travel games...fun stuff.

After that I took a shower, made a smoothie, did some laundry, and then watched Smallville! Good show. Now I'm here, writing another pointless entry. Oh, but wait! My favorite part of the day...my week so far!

The one thing Sunnie hates most in this world aside from puking, is the one thing that literally scarred her for life. What could that be? Why none other than the movie "Cabin Fever". It's been a running joke that for each time a gift is to be recieved on her behalf, that I would get this movie for her. She and I saw it in the theater with high hopes for Rider Strong's return to show business. However... she was disgusted beyond words, and can't even say the title without gagging. Well, my dad decided to buy it on clearance at Movie Gallery today. I had advised him against it before, and he'll probably end up returning it...oh, but it was sooooo worth it! I told him to walk into Sunnie's room, tell her he got her something special, and hand it to her. He grinned and said "ok". I shrieked with excitement, calling to him "She's going to throw it at you!" I ran up after him to watch. She was on the phone with Paul, laying on her bed. He walked in, and so sweetly said "Hi, sweetie. I bought you something special. A movie just for you." She was about to smile in return as he placed it on her tummy and walked away. I've never heard a more enraged scream come out of that girl! Dad and I both ducked as the DVD came flying out into the hallway. She was screaming "What's wrong with you!! Why would you do that! You're a terrible person!" I was laughing soooooo hard. Oh...sweet relief. I needed that.

Anyway, I bet there's something productive I could be doing. My laundry perhaps...argh.

Love you all. Forget me not!

Later

Me

The shower is the safest place to cry. You can come up with a million reasons as to why your eyes are red and puffy. You got soap in your eyes, etc etc. The noise of the water hitting the tiles can also muffle the sound of an escaped sob or two. The "shower cry" has been one of my few consolations in life I can count on. That sounds horrible...I have to explain.

Growing up, I was a heap of emotions. I cried about everything. I let everyone know how I was feeling all the time. But then people (*cough* mom *cough*) Began conditioning me to believe that crying and being emotional was something to be incredibly ashamed of. I believed her. When she got sick, I only cried in the shower. Even then I was scared she would resent my tears. One time I cried in the bath tub. I remember running the jets in the tub to drown out my little whimpers. I began beating the water with my fists, and it turned angry... no one could hear it though.

Why am I telling you this? I don't know. When it rains, it pours. Since I've decided to hide my emotions as much as possible, i find myself looking forward to showers. A moment when I can just...cry.

Today started out bad, and got worse. This whole week is just kind of slipping away from me. You can't only have one bad day, you have to have at least three.

Thank the LORD sugar week is coming to an end, or I'd be dead by now. I'm getting sicker, the bad sick... the 'i need new lungs, like yesterday' kind of sick, and I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the choking, and the brown stuff, and the raw heaving, and the blood... I'm exhausted. I don't feel like a sick person, and Lord knows I'm not treated like sick person, but I'm starting to realize that I'm not exactly well, and that both terrifies me and intrigues me. It's that dark fantasy I've always had... the sick and twisted one when you wonder how everyone in your life would react if you were deathly ill. But I'm not... at least I don't think so. I don't know...

This morning...hmm. Sunnie had to drive me to work, and I almost cried over it. Dumb, dumb. To depend on your little sister to drive you places? It's horrible! Then there's the horrible, horrible, EVIL lady...who duped her coffee on my hand and scalded me, because she had to wait at the drive-thru for 11 minutes. All of our computers froze, and I was the only person working the drive-thru (duh, that's how it works) and I'm not a magician. Forgive me! She did it on purpose too...heavens.

The morning was hectic enough, and I got my break five minutes late. I called Kelly to answer her question, then Lara came in! She's on her way to New York now... she worked at Caribou with us. I'm really going to miss her.

After Lara came in, I called BJ to let him know I had kept my promise about demanding a rbeak in the middle of my 11 hour day at the coffee shop. If I hadn't... I dunno.

So, I worked til five, and I was on bar. AND everything else. Ah, well. I'm fantastic, right? I felt so not good by the end of the day, I wanted nothing more than to fall over. BUT--it's Monday. I had to go to Getdown.

I get there early, because I had a drama practice to run. Only half the cast (of two people) showed up, and that was Brant. I ran his lines with him, and we chatted a bit. He asked what was bothering me, but I avoided the snowball, and just said "car troubles". Because if I started talking about ONE problem...pretty soon he'd be hearing my whole life story!

Getdown went on, and I just felt...blah. Not good. My mind started to wander in that I'm tired, cranky, and my life is hellish at the moment kind of way, so of course I ended up on this one way track down 'all the bad things in my life right now' road. By the end of the night, i wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Ben, oh perceptive one, came up to me and gave me a hug. "We should talk" he said. "What's going on in your life?" And I wanted to suddenly tell him everything. I haven't told ANYONE everything. I stared at him, and he stared right back. That's when the tears started. I held them back, with the promise of the 'shower cry' hiding in the back of my mind. My throat closed up with razor blades poking through, and Ben held on and wouldn't let go. I don't feel that way about Ben at all, but just...just being held. It really made me want to cry, because it wasn't...I dunno. Real? Maybe that's the word I'm looking for, maybe not.

Ben said he wanted to drive me to work tomorrow. (5am? I don't think so) I refused to let him, he kept insisting. Then it turned into how he would pick me up at 10:30 (when I get off) and then we would have out, talk, and he would take me out to lunch. It made me want to cry again. I crave that male friendship...I used to have it in abundance! A guy best friend...although, I have a terrible habit of falling in love with those...that's gotta stop. Anyway, I know Ben's not that person. The guy best friend. I don't really want him to be either. He's too flakey...to demonstrate:

We made plans for tomorrow. Pick me up, chat, lunch, go to meeting together. (He, Perry and I meet every single Tuesday afternoon to plan the next Getdown) Not more than five minutes later, he leads me into the kitchen by the hand to cancel the plans for tomorrow.

"I really wanted to take you out, but Perry says I have to be at the staff meeting"...blah blah blah. If I had believed him in the first place, I may have been disappointed. I knew it wouldn't happen, because that's the kind of guys I meet here. Ah, well. I can't....argh. Snowball effect. It's getting bigger...

So, we drove home, and I let out everything I've held in for the past month while in the shower. Poor unsuspecting bar of soap. It got a little overly mutilated. Oh, well. I needed to mutilate something.

What is it that's bothering me? So many things. The car is just the icing on the cake. I can't even...ugh. I don't know how to put it into words. I can't have what I want, I don't want what I have... I hate people for getting what they want, and I want to be them when they get it. I have what other people want, and I don't want to have it anymore. See? None of it makes any sense whatsoever!

I need to go to sleep now, and see if my dreams can make sense of the mess in my head. I certainly can't do it while I'm awake, with all this over analyzing going on. AHHHHH...

"Save me, savings what I need. I just want to be by your side. Won't you save me? I don't want to be just drifting through the sea of life..."

So, alas alas. It's time to sleep. It's past the time I was supposed to regain my sanity. What's up with that? *whistles* Here sanity! Here girl! Wouldn't that be a fun name for a dog? Hahaha...

Later.

Me

It's early early in the morning. I have to wake Sunnie up in about ten minutes. Why? Because she has to drive me to work. Why? Because my car is officially dead. We've kept it alive as long as possible, but it has no passed "The Point Of No Return". It's...dead. Finished. Over. And you know what that means? I'm screwed!

This couldn't have happened at a worse time. This vacation is going to suck me dry. Oh, well. I have to live with that. I have to make it through this...just keep breathing... for many people, they don't have to think about 'just keep breathing' whereas I, that's an actual struggle too. Ha! So there...

So, it may have slipped about Kirs going to visit Kelly, or I may have deliberately told mom... I don't remember. That's the honest truth. She doesn't tell them what's going on in her life, and I don't remember that very well. So, they were not that happy about it. After dad talked to Kelly, Kelly was not all that happy about it, so she gave me a call. Yikerby. I felt bad, but mom was like "You did the right thing, Corrie." What did I do exactly?

Mom still has this feeling that Kris is going to kill Kelly, and steal all of Bob and Janet's valuables. Whatever... I'd like to think I know the guy enough to know he wouldn't do that. I'd also like to think I know BJ Very VERY well, and he's friends with...so on and so on. I trust these people, and that's rare.

So... last night I'm talking to BJ on the phone, mom comes in to dump a bunch of crap in my room, and she says "Are you talking to THAT person?" Referring to "the kid who sent you the Christmas card" I told him she said that, and he said I should have handed her the phone. I didn't believe he meant it, but he did. So...he talked to mom for a bit. She now feels much much better after grilling him a bit about Kris. BJ also talked to Jamie, and Jamie gave him a little mini guitar concert, featuring none other than "Sweet Home Alabama". Hahaha!

So, the day ended up with the parentals forgiving me, and hopefully Kelly no longer annoyed with me, and two people I know pretty well being honest about something they weren't honest about before... I feel bad being so cryptic in my own journal, but alas. It is what it is. Time for me to go to work now, so...

Au Revoir mes amies,

later

Me

I have lost my ability to yodel. (That was just for you, Kelly) I don’t feel like going in as to why, but trust me…I used to yodel. And I was good…

Last night was interesting. The parents were screaming at each other. After we had consumed our cold Taco Bell dinner, mom came home from shopping. The moment she walked through the door, she started yelling at everyone. No matter how hard I try to not let her comments bother me…they still hurt, and you can just feel something inside you plummet to the ground. You’re weighted down, and you feel like you’re as worthless as she says you are. No matter how untrue it all is.

She was picking fights with Jamie over everything that’s happened within the last ten years. He was freaking out. Then, dad made the horrible mistake of coming upstairs from the basement. Bad, bad idea. Mom started screaming at him about why he hadn’t stained the cabinet Jamison made, or why he hadn’t finished the ceiling in the basement, and how he never finishes what he starts. She justified this anger by telling dad she had had a bad day. Well, so had he. Not to mention he had to come rescue his daughter at Taco Bell… (hehehe)

So, I most of it was the same old same old. It started about dad not getting things done, and then mom actually YELLING AT HIM for working too many hours. “If you came home at a decent hour, these things would be done and I wouldn’t have to keep telling you to do them!” WHAT THE FIDGET?!? So, he comes back with “If you would stop spending the money, I wouldn’t have to keep making it!” And so she does this huge dramatic sigh, and says “Whatever you say, Bruce. You go on this vacation by yourself.”

Honestly? I little glimmer of hope shot through me, saying ‘Can we really do that?!? AWESOME!’ But, yeah right. Not gonna happen. So she sits down, puts her head in her hands, and says “Everyone is always attacking me.” And dad, infuriated by her dramatic ploy yet again, turns around and all out screams: “Right! Because everyone in the world is an asshole but you!” Jamie and I took one look at each other, and quickly made our escape. Up the stairs we went, ne’er to return. That’s when the mutual screaming began. I tried not to get upset when my mother stated over and over again how she has no help around the house, and she does everything herself. “I do everything here! You all just walk around and reap the benefits of my work! I don’t get a paycheck! I just give and I give and I give! Just because you have a professional job, I’m supposed to feel sorry for you that you work long hours? My hours never stop!” = That made me laugh. My gosh! What is wrong with her??

So, Jamie and I hid in my room, in the dark. Why does the dark help? Maybe she won’t find us. There have been times when dad runs out, and she goes looking for us because she’s not done screaming. I went online to update Kelly on the latest family drama. Mom just makes me feel bad even when I know I have no reason to feel bad.

Anyway… BJ called shortly after, then he had to go. Then I went through those movie posters. Got some pretty good ones! So I had to call Kelly to tell her. Then BJ called again. We chatted for a bit, and he made me laugh. Good timing for a laugh, I must say. Then I fell asleep.

Today is Sunnie’s birthday. I woke up this morning at 8:30, and walked into her room. I sat on her bed, and started tapping my finger on her temple. She groaned and looked at me with one eye, and I said “Happy birthday.” Nice and quiet. She mumbled a quick “Thank you” before rolling over. I asked her if she wanted anything special for breakfast, and she said ‘pancakes’, but instructed me to wait until she woke up. So, I woke Jamie up, and he and I watched “The Forgotten.” I had low expectations because Kelly didn’t really like it, but I actually really did. It was a good movie.

After the movie I cleaned the house, and the monster awoke (mom). I busied myself making Sunnie some chocolate chip pancakes. After that, I went upstairs and went back to bed. I feel really REALLY not good today. I could say I don’t know why, but I know… It’s my sugar week. (be confused, it’s allowed)

Paul arrived soon after, so Sunnie disappeared. I drove Jamison to work, and then went to Target to buy a present for Sunnie on his behalf. Poor me, since my car wants to blow itself up, I had to drive my mom’s with the CD player in it. WOO! I blasted the Phantom soundtrack for all the world to hear…or just me (really really loud).

Got home, went to lay back down again. Ew, I felt unwell. I dozed off, and my mom was screaming at me “You got a package from Kelly!” WOOOOOO!!! I raced down those stairs, grabbed the box, tore it open, and there. Alas… my Phantom Of The Opera official companion book. She had had to order it for me, due to the fact that I don’t have a credit card. I paid her for it, but she had to order it. And it took it a long long time to get here….argh. No Popsicle for me.

So! I got yelled at for opening the box in my mother’s presence, and I got yelled at for tearing the plastic off and setting in on the table. I’m a failure. What do failures do? They go back to bed.

I took another mini-nap and then called Kelly. We talked for too long about dumb stuff, and then I got yelled at again. I went down to the basement , where I was being summoned, and looked on in horror as I realized my mother had completely destroyed…everything! My peter pan display was all but displayed. It had been disassembled, and all the books were scattered across the floor. WHAT THE HECK! I said “Why would you do that?” And what did she say??? “You said yourself you were tired of it, and were going to take it down. Besides. This is MY house. If I want to change something, it‘s up to me. You just have to live with that.” WHAT THE HECK! I decorated that entire room! She said it was MY theater! And the display? Like I would ever say that! If she KNEW what I went through for that thing. Good grief. I started to feel the bile rise. I was completely nauseated. I turned to go back upstairs, and she said “Where do you think you’re going? I told you I needed your help.” and I said…and shouldn’t have said “I can’t be around you right now.” and went back upstairs. I sat at my desk chair staring at the wall, terrified that I had just caused the next world war. That’s when I got called again.

I walked downstairs, feeling ill for multiple reasons, and mom and Paul were in the kitchen, eating chili cheese dip. Mom turns to me and says “I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t realize that Peter Pan thing meant so much to you. You can go put it back up. I didn’t throw any of it away.”

Man…sometimes I just…It’s over my head. So, I put it back up. That pretty much brings us up to now. I still feel unwell, but it’s Sunnie’s birthday. I’m writing this in a word document, so I can just copy and paste later. We’re eating tacos and angel food cake. If anything exciting happens between now and when I paste this…I can add it on! Until then..

Check ya later!

C’est moi

Yo. Have I got anything interesting to report today? Probably not. Let's see...

Last night, I chatted with a few peeps. I ALMOST got myself in really big trouble, but I didn't. Almost, but it slid past unnoticed. Thank the Lord. Enough said. I fell asleep ultra early. 8:30! What is THAT? Good, that's what it is. I had to wake up at 4. I got real sleep! Fantabulous. So! Woke up at 4, worked at 5. Guess what I did? I worked drive-thru. For nine hours... good heavens. LONG day. Nothing spectacular happened at work today. A few crabby customers...they brought me down a bit. But I'll get over it. The coffee business is brutal...

So, after work I came home and attempted to nap. yeah right. Mom's at war with T-mobile concerning the phone she ordered for me for Christmas that they sent, but we never recieved. Both sides thinks the other is lying, but trust me...I still have my crappy Nokia with mismatched face plates... I do however, have an emotional attachment to all the ring tones I've downloaded. Oh, well. I'll get over it.

So, listened to mom scream at people til' about 2 something. Then I went online to check movie times, chatted with kelly and Kris a bit...then I went to go see "In Good Company". As I was walking out the door, BJ called. He and I caught up as I drove to the theater (in my Crapsica with NO heat...) Then my car started smoking really bad...oh well. I was already there. Watched and enjoyed the movie...

Came home, and went to Wal-Mart with Jamie to get Sunnie a present for her birthday (tomorrow). Then we went to Taco Bell...and my car almost blew up. The heat gage went WAM! All the way up, and the car started to smoke A LOT. So, nope...not going anywhere. Called dad, and he came to rescue us. He couldn't give me a proper diagnosis on the spot, so he drove behind me the whole way home.

I must share, the Taco Bell sauce packets crack me up! They all say something funny on them. My favorite one? "When I grow up I want to be a waterbed". I laughed SOOOO hard! Oh my gosh...

So, I came home and took a shower...and now here I am. I have to go help my mom unload Target bags. She brought home a gigantic tube of movie posters I have to go through from Movie Gallery for the theater in the basement. Woo! Awesomeness! There's even one of TROY!

So... I promise not to dig any more holes I can't get out of...and... no more opening my mouth. Ever. Yeah right...

Later tater!

Me

I'm online illegally again, why? Because I wanted to write a bit before the OC...after which I plan on falling asleep. I'm so tired...*yawn* But let's recap the day, shall we?

I got a half hour break, working at 6am today instead of 5:30. I was little scared, because Elke decided today was the day I would be on bar! Okay, I can handle that I thought... me and Sam did bar. I pulled shots and she filled and topped off. Coolio! I didn't die, and Sam herself said she underestimated me. Ah-ha!

So, it was long day. And it was COLD! At 10:00 I took over on drive-thru, which I really enjoy now. I'm good at it! I'm getting pretty good at everything. Elke wants me to be a supervisor already. WOW! We'll see what we see.

One week from tomorrow til I leave for Florida. Longest road trip EVER...it's gonna be unfun. Random thoughts...

I'm really not used to attention. Apparently I'm getting it! This one guy told me I have a beautiful smile. This other guy (who was british) asked me to run away with him. Today when Sunnie and I went to get our pics taken for the church directory, Brant was there, and was telling me how pretty I was. He "couldn't get over it"...geez! Did I suddenly just STOP getting ugly or something? Whatever...didn't know I was so bad before. Hahaha

I came home after work, then went to pick up my meds, then took a shower, then went to meet with Perry and Ken, then came home, then got pics taken w/Sunnie, then went to Wendy's for the dollar menu. (Ha! Take THAT Kelly! BAM!) Now I'm home, writing a bunch of nonsense waiting for my show to start. There were important things I wanted to write about, but I have no idea what they are now. Oh, well. Some other time I guess.

I really don't feel very well. I feel like I'm going to bring my baked potato back from the dead...ugh...bye then

Word

Guess what? Not to take away from the entry I already wrote tonight...but I just figured out something after playing with my settings. Blogs let you post comments now! All you gotta do is click on the time stamp after the entry you wanna comment on, and then you can click on post a comment. IF you want to do that, anyway. I didn't know I could make that happen. But I can! And I did. So...there.

"There's no windows in this place, for me to show my weary face. Rage I hold within my soul, at times I cannot control. What's the point of me being here, when being here is what I fear? Everyday it's all the same, trapped again in my own pain. I cry myself to sleep, so many secrets I must keep. No one to reach to and nobody cares. Trapped in the middle of a distant stare. I've prayed that I was free of this grief that's filling me. Everywhere I turn, every bridge must burn. There's no windows in this place, for me to show my weary face."

Why did I type that all out? For a variety of reasons. Jamie was just playing that song on guitar and I wanted to test myself to see if I still knew all the lyrics. Also...it's kind of interesting to look back on it. For so long that song "Frustration" was my theme song 100%. It WAS me...I felt like I wrote it. Every single word made complete sense in my life. Life was hard.

I remember so vividly feeling exactly that way, and now all I can see is how far away I am from all that now. I used to let every little thing get me down, and now...it takes too much energy to be depressed. Energy I never have. I used to dwell on bad things, and now I don't even recognize them. Not as much, anyway.

Kelly and I were talking today, and we got on the subject of my little anti-breathing episode the other day, and I mentioned how BJ was kind of surprised as to why I didn't think it was worth mentioning to him. Before, I would have told the world...just so they would be aware I had reasoning to act the way I did. Now though...I didn't even recognize it as a problem. It's almost funny. Kelly and I shared a laugh over it, actually. She and I both have been seriously conditioned to the idea that any problem we might encounter in life is microscopic compared to anything our mother has experienced. It might not be true, but she's been telling us that for sooooo long now, I feel guilty for having any problems. Maybe that's why "Frustration" isn't my theme song anymore.

To most people, when you stop breathing and later cough up blood, that would be cause for alarm. But to me, that translates into "It's not cancer, so you have nothing to complain about." and two car accidents in a year with permanent back neck and shoulder damage is nothing, because "You didn't have a tumor on your spine, so be grateful." so in my mind, I'm in perfect condition. People being concerned about me is so over my head, I can't even comprihend such a notion.

So anyway... it's kind of under pathetic circumstances, but I don't have a chance to feel bad about my own problems...I just feel bad about having any at all!! Overall though, it makes life somewhat easier... less time to think about myself. Sometimes it's hilarious, though. At work I get one free shift drink a day. I never get one, unless mom calls me and asks me to bring her something home. I work there, and I've never tasted anything I've sold to the customers... we also get a free 1/2 pound of coffee a week, and I have to call to ask what kind of beans my mom wants. I don't even consider myself...but if I do... (like the one time I got a Hot Apple Blast instead of bringing my mom home a latte) I got a speech about how she's the last person I ever consider, and how selfish I am. So what did I do? I bought her a latte with my tip money. I didn't even think about it. It's just...a cycle.

I used to complain and cry about my mom a lot, and how she treats me...but I'm so unbelievably used to it by now. I'm also used to the idea that she would absolutely fall apart without me. That's probably why I'm still here. I hate realizing that...because if anything, she's supposed to be my reason to LEAVE. Not stay! What's wrong with me??? Plenty...

Here's something new: (not) I hate dreams. They bug the crap out of me! They bring up things you don't want to think about, and things you never even realized were an issue! But bam! You go to sleep, and they attack. They wait until your guard is down. You're unconscious! How low is that? Sneaky, sneaky. And then they get you. They jumble up your brain, force you into a skewed version of the truth, and by the time you wake up...you're just...screwed. It's sabotage. Each morning I've woken up recently, I've woken up confused. Your mind betrays you. It's like hearing a rumor about yourself! I wake up and I'm like "Say what? WHAT? Oh no you dih-int!" It's enraging! And then you're FORCED to think about the things you didn't even know were in your head in the first place. Ugh...I just...grr.

Anyway, so what did I do today? I worked from 5:30 -1:30, and then I went to my beloved library (Yes, BJ-- it's MINE!!) to return some DVDs. (While talking to Kelly on the phone) Then I came home, watched my tape of Gilmore Girls, and fell asleep for a couple hours. Then I woke up, went to Target, came home and took a shower, watched half my tape of One Tree Hill, then watched Smallville and Alias, and now here I am confusing myself with a somewhat cryptic journal entry. Ah, well.

Yesterday I went to a rehearsal for the one act I wrote called "Channel 13". Did I mention that already? I don't think so. Did I mention I have to miss the performance of it? Because I do. I'll be in Florida! Torture. Anyway, the cast is pretty great! It was really exciting to see my script acted out. I tried really really hard not to take over, but it was really difficult. I'm so used to being in charge! ESPECIALLY of things I've written.

So...do I have anything else to write about? No doubt. But...just like I wrote in the last journal entry, I just can't bring myself to write about them.

Later taters, I'm out!

Peace...please (I'm talking to you, oh self hating brain of mine!)

Me!

Dude, I'm annoyed.

So...last night I write this huge long (okay, so possibly pointless) journal entry...and it disappeared. My browser went wacky and took it away! I am less than happy...negative thrill going on here people. ANYWAY.

I haven't the will, nor the heart to re-write it, mostly because I don't remember most of what I said. SO! I'll write a short summary:

Yesterday I was crabby because I had to set up Valentine's Day crap @ work, and I hate Valentine's Day...This creepy woman told me "You have the most amazingly beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen"... Jamie and I are both going on the church mission trip to Mississippi in June. I'm a leader, so I go for free!

Those are basically the only important things I remember from that entry. And they're not that important. And I have nothing spectacular to write about in this one either....but we'll see what we see.

I've realized I'm having trouble keeping my promise to myself. When I started this journal...I planned on telling the whole truth about every aspect of my life. HOWEVER... I'm pretty sure I know exactly who reads this thing on a regular basis. There are more people than I thought...and for most of those people, there are things I don't want to tell them. So...I haven't been writing about these certain aspects of my life right now. I wish I could write down everything...but I honestly think that would create more problems than I care to deal with.

Anyway... I'm gonna go now, because I just got something better to do...

Love ya!

Corrie

Today was BORING. That's all I have to say. I woke up a little later than intended, got ready for church, went to church...did the church thing. Then we came home... I wrote the skit script Perry needs by tomorrow, and then tried to make another Getdown video. I give up. We're just gonna have to go without! Then what did I do? Attempted to vaccum...I say attempted, because it's a broken piece of crap. I mean...some parts of it are glued together, while others are fastened together by a bungee cord. Interesting...

Then I made a really gross smoothie and dumped it down the drain. THEN... I went upstairs and started to watch one of the movies I got at the library. Then I fell asleep. Then...I woke up, took a shower, and went to watch Extreme Makeover: Home edition.

Then mom came home, we unloaded groceries, and I tried on some bathing suits for the trip to Florida. (Yay! I got a really cute one!) And then we ate dinner... and now here I am. NOTHING special at all.

Last night, however... I spent the majority of the evening doing nothing too, but it was a nice kind of nothing. Jamie and Andrew kept to themselves, and everyone else was gone, so I could do whatever I felt like!

BJ called last night again (It's getting to be a welcome part of my nightly routine) and we talked til 2am... then I went to sleep. And then my boring Sunday happened. So why am I even writing this journal entry? I have no idea.

Kelly is currently annoyed with me. It's getting to be pretty frequent. She talks about one thing almost...no, pretty much every single time I talk to her. Yes, there's an occasionaly Ethan and Madi story thrown in...but that's basically it. Yesterday though, I called her with stories to tell, but she had already read my blog, so I had nothin...

I guess I'm jealous. I don't have one topic to talk about so excitedly like she does. Oh, well. I guess that's good! My randomness wouldn't do well under one topic. But she asks me for insight and stuff like that, and I don't have any! I mean, come on! Guy advice? Don't make me laugh. YOu don't have to make me...I'll do it by myself. Ba-ha-ha-ha!!!

So, anyway. She's mad that I seem not so interested. What does she want me to be interested in, exactly? I can't figure it out. I'm not so good at deciphering what people want from me... I usually get it wrong.

Well, it's been a long day of doing nothing...I need to go to bed. (No, but really...I should. I have to wake up at four) So that's the end of that!

Always and forever times 10,

Me