It finally happened!I've been waiting for it to happen, but I started getting comfortable in the idea that it never would. Let's back up :

At the very beginning of this journal a million years ago, I promised myself and everyone else that I would write the truth as I see it. It was my resolution, and I've stuck to it. From the beginning I stated if you don't want to know what I really think, don't read this. Unlike me in person, it doesn't hide anything. It's out there for the world to see, or ignore as they see fit.

In the beginning I kept up my great fear of offending someone. What if they read this and hate me forever? Well...they didn't have to read it in the first place, right? Then that started to seem cold. Then I realized no one really read this anyway. In the beginning maybe...refresher:

Tim Beier. He read it every day. I told the truth. It was painful, but in the end it turned out to be a very good thing. Because he knew the truth, he sped up the rejection process. Saved me a lot of overall agony.

The person I am closest to in the whole entire world is Kelly. She knows this, everyone knows this. She never read my journal. For some reason, I believed she never would. She's too busy. If I wanted her to know what was going on in my life, I would tell her. Tell her everything? Probably not. Nobody tells anybody everything. There's always some little morsel they keep to themselves and tuck in their back pocket. Especially the people they're closest to.

ANYWAY. The people you're around the most, talk to the most...the people who you're most like...who do you talk to about them? When you're so much like someone else, you can see yourself reflected back at you. Sometimes you don't like what you see.

Kelly when she was here for Christmas, It started out great and ended great. But somewhere in the middle things got sour, and I wrote a journal entry. That's what I do when I have a problem with Kelly, because she is so well loved, how do you complain? You don't...you write to yourself.

So, secure in the idea she never read my journal, I wrote how I was feeling at the moment. Last year it was worse, we really rubbed up against each other. This year, most of it was my personal problems that (and no blame here) Kelly didn't really feel like dealing with. Instead we were both just crabby. Rooms get smaller, air thicker...when the person you love the most doesn't seem to like who you are, you hate yourself and that person to a suffocating degree. I wanted her to leave.

The day Kelly left I cried all day. I never wrote that in my journal. Maybe because I was ashamed. I was even mad at her for leaving. While there was the "friction" a lot of it had to do with the stupid BJ incident. I felt betrayed for no good reason, and she seemed more interested in creating this new relationship than protection the one she has with me. I know that was a horrible assumption, and I was wrong.

I was furious, and at the time I really REALLY wanted her to leave. When it started getting close to when she WAS leaving, I started to panic. I had wasted time being mad and hurt over stupid things. When she left, I was furious with her, completely silently. How could she come back, and be my best friend again? I had something to do, and someone to do it with every single day!! We both did some stuff to piss each other off, and then we got over it. She left, and everything was back to crappy normalness...

To sum it up, Kelly read my journal. How much of it, I don't know. She read the honest truth of the moment, and I don't regret writing it in the slightest bit. It's something for me to look back on and think "You stupid dumb idiot...you overreacted" and that's my right. That's what writing is. It's a growth process.

She read the part where I said "Just like last year, I'm ready for her to leave." she probably read the stuff about us rubbing up against each other, and if she wants to deny that that ever happened, that's fine. I wanted her to leave, and I never wanted her to go away again.

She was too hurt to talk to me and she went away. As badly as I feel about it all, I'm still proud of myself for being honest. That sounds terrible...but I've screwed up too many things in life by hiding how I truly feel. She knows that the stupid BJ conversation bothered me now, and I spose that's a good thing. BOTHERED as in the past though, because it's really...unimportant now.

Anyway... I don't have to make excuses for what I wrote. It's my journal...I'm glad she read it. Mystery solved, right? At least I know she was finally interested enough to find out the process behind the madness... because most days that's what it is. The truth from yesterday will be different tomorrow. Looking at something with your nose pressed up against it in aggrivated assault turns into a compeltely different image when you take a breath and a step back. She knows that. I know that. And being as bad as I am with updating this journal, I never took the time to tell the world about the big picture. Oh well. Life is like that. You just have to move forward.

Peace. I'm out.

Corrie

Silly silly me. Tell me how silly can I be? I obsess over dumb things, and sweep big things under the rug. How great am I? Splendorific that's for sure. Oh well. Alas, such is life.

So, I've made a couple friends at Caribou (where I currently work if I haven't mentioned that before) One of them is moving to New York. Been there, done that! But I'll miss her. She's one of those people, ya know? When you meet them you just know they're going to be one of the greatest people you will ever meet...ever. That's Lara, and that's just how she is. The other girl I've made friends with is Sam. They're both coming over to my house this weekend for a slumber party. We're so nerdy! It's fabulous.

Sam wants me to move in with her. We'll see what happens with that. I'm sure I have other really interesting things to talk about, but I'm tired, and bed is looking really good right about now. Write more soon!

Always,

Me

Well...that darn Nancy Drew syndrome has caught up with me again. I went sleuthing. I searched for BJs screen name on my computer, and the conversation Kelly had with BJ popped up. So! I read it. God forgive me, I read it. I found it only mildy offensive "I wish they could understand we have other friends..." Well! Ahem. Scuse me! Did I say otherwise? By they, BJ was referring to me and Kris. Apparently we're similar "emotionally" Whatever. If they want to talk and be best buddies, I'd be fine with that. As long as it's not on my screen name! Hah! I'd like to say I'm kidding...but I don't think I am.

I think I came across as pushy and over anxious. Why? Because I sent BJ my picture and he was suddenly not online anymore. Interesting...just a coincidence, but I've been conditioned, and it's a hard thing to reverse. Granted my mother tells me how beautiful I am all the time...sometimes she even says "hot" but because of the opposite remarks she made ALL The time before... I can't believe a compliment. Even if I think it might be true, I tear it apart until it becomes simple words...dull and fallen to the ground. I reduce the nice words to words that don't mean anything to anyone. Blah blah blah is what I hear, the sentiment and good intention is swept under the rug along with the pointless words. I smile and nod and walk away, and they could have said "The broom has two ears" for all I know... they're just words.

Anyhoo... this morning screwed up my day. I'm crabby now. I have negative money all around...I can't afford medications or car insurance, and I'm beginning to panic. February we're taking a vacation to Florida, and I have to pay for park admissions. I make next to nothing at Caribou, and I just want to cry. Maybe I shouldn't go to Florida. Maybe I should skip my very last family vacation. I can't, but I should.

Not to mention that the vacation just happens to be resting on the very week that my very first one act play is going to be performed. I wrote it, it's going to be performed, and I'm not gonna see it! I'm...beyond depressed.

Well, anyway. That's two entries today. I feel like a compelte spaz, and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Lovely sentiment...

Au Revoir!

Me

AHHHHHHHHHHH! Why does this always happen to me? Sometimes, I just want to run in one direction and not look back. In the true words of my younger brother, I HATE today. Some days I can't come up with one single emotion and go with it. This is one of those days.

I got hired at Caribou coffee with a promised full time position with 40 hours a week. So far, my schedule has barely cracked 24 a week. How does that work?? The job search was endlessly tiring, and I am not looking forward to doing it AGAIN.

Christmas has come and gone, and I can't say that that bothers me. Kelly is here again, and just like last year, I'm ready for her to leave. It pains me to say that, because while I love her the most, she and I rub up against each other too frequently. Half the time I feel like she resents anything that we don't have in common. I probably feel the same way, I don't know.

I got 2 Christmas cards from my friend BJ 2 days after Christmas. I didn't mind that they were late, I was very happy to get them. I had sent him one as well...but now I feel like I shouldn't talk to him anymore. Why? Let me tell you...

BJ and I had an amazing 5 hour conversation one night. He was someone I had found through Kelly, but he was not a FRIEND of Kelly's...I made sure of that. Why? Because I hate the he said she said crap of high school, and I didn't want to go through that with her. She told me not to talk to Kris (BJs best friend) so I didn't. Kris told Kelly not to talk to BJ, and she didn't...for awhile.

Last night, I went to bed early because I had to get up this morning. I woke up at 5am, and Kelly was still awake, chatting to BJ on MY MY MY....MY screen name! Okay, first... I don't talk to Kris because SHE didn't want me to! Second: It's my freaking screen name, get OFF! She said he started it, he messaged her/me...well, SIGN OFF! Make me look rude, I don't care. I don't care who she was talking to, just don't be on my screen name.

I had about a billion early high school flashbacks with online drama, and I wanted to cry. "Bye BJ" I said to myself as Kelly closed the chat window whenever I walked into my own bedroom. Something she didn't want me to see apparently...

Part of the excitment of talking to BJ was knowing that Kelly didn't. Call it sick and twisted, but she talked about KRIS 24/7 and I was openly jealous about their connection. She's jealous too, but she won't admit it. Why else would she do that? She could have signed off, left it alone, been content with what she had. I don't talk to Kris, she talks to both.

Whatever, I've resolved not to care. I just...won't talk to him anymore. Things will get complicated if I do. I don't need to explain why, they just will. I'm disappointed in myself for caring at all in the first place. The internet has always been Kelly's domain, I should have learned to keep my distance. He just seemed so spectacular. A great friend in the making. I went for him all on my own, and now she's got him too. She knew of him first, but I knew him first. I know it's not a competition, but if it were...I just lost it.

Wow, would you look at that! I'm writing another journal entry the NEXT DAY! I'm not really sure why though...it's not like I have anything terribly interesting to say. Ah well, I can babble on like an idiot! It's MY journal!

I want to go see Ocean's Twelve today. I mean come on! Twelve is the new Eleven...yeah, anyway. Last night after I wrote, I had this stupid away message up. Most of it was just trying to sound deep and intellectual, but some of it was the truth. It led to this aggrivating conversation with Kelly about my self terminating paranoia, and my tendency to sabotage new friendships. But...I don't really do that anymore...do I? I don't think so.

I'm at the WBL library now, using AIM express and annoying people with my survey question. Observe:

In your opinion, what is the most difficult? Talking to someone you've never met, talking to someone you've met but don't remember, or talking to someone you don't want to talk to?

I thought it was a good question. But...overthinkers like myself would think so. Because we think a lot...too much. ANYWAY!

I fell asleep at around 3:30 am... with every intention of getting up early for a jaunt around the lake. I've decided I don't really need sleep all that much anymore. I don't like it. Sleep means dreaming, which means accomplishing things subconsciously that are virtually an impossibility while I'm awake. That's what dreaming is... BUT...I didn't get up three hours later like I wanted to. Jamison woke me up at 11:30 and wanted me to drive him to work. Not a problem.

Last night I made my parents dinner like I usually do, and last night they trashed the kitchen completely after I cleaned it up. Have they never heard of rinsing off a dish? Come on people! Anyway, after I drove Jamie to work, I tried to get online. My computer is going down fast, people. Second hand laptop...4 years old...and my dad loaded so much crap on it, it's stuck in a time warp and is about tp become a dinosaur.

Well, library comp about to kick me off! I gotta go! More later!

Me

Good heavens... I can't believe how lazy I've gotten with the whole journal thing! I toyed with the idea of getting rid of it all and starting over, but... no. To any new readers who might wager a query into my life one step further...there is some vital information in previous entries that I don't feel like re-explaining. So!

When I last wrote, I was working for Kristin and all was good. Well! I fell in love with that little boy...and what did Kristin do? She let me go... See, I went down to Tennessee for cousin Melissa's wedding, (I was a bridesmaid) and I spent the majority of my savings getting there and back. When I get back, I call Kristin so see when she needed me next. I worked every day, so i figured the day after I got back. Not the case. Turns out, Edmond's grandparents were going to be visiting, and wanted him all week.

Many weeks passed, so I finally called Kristin and asked what's up...turns out, she had decided she was going to stay home with Edmond every day instead. She also decided she didn't need to tell me that. I found myself without savings, and without a job, right before the holidays!

After a frantic search, I landed a job about a week and a half ago. Caribou coffee! Woo! Yeah...haven't done THAT before. Well, at least I don't have to go through a lot of the pre-training anxiety. I know coffee pretty well. My training actually is officially done, and my first "Real" shift starts Monday.

Aside from the no money job thing...my plate has been pretty full! The youth drama thing is a weekly event, and that keeps me busy! And there's this one act I'm writing for WBLAHS (White Bear Lake Area High School for future reference). It's a project with pal Kelsey, she came up with the story, I wrote the script. I ALMOST wrote the script, anyway. I was almost done...when my imac blew. Like...died. It was gone. Dead. And the script had to be done within that week. I panicked.

I called the Apple Store, and since I got it second hand, they said I was past the free technical service period, and it would cost me $50 just to talk to someone. I was outraged! So I hung up. I decided to just bring my computer to the store, instead. That worked out better...except that it was heavy, and I didn't plan out transporting it around very well. ANYWAY...they did a data retrieval, and that too would cost me $50. My mother offered to pay it, if she could get paid back. BUT...I started to re-write the one act, just in case it didn't work. Good thing I did! They called and said they got the data, I told my mom, and she said "Oh, honey. I can't afford to pay for that!" So I would have been screwed! I'm still screwed if I don't get that disc. It has all these novels on it...fun ones that I wrote just for myself...but I didn't back them up anywhere. Partially because I didn't have a disc drive on that machine from hell...and partially because I didn't share them with anybody. But that doesn't mean I wanted them to disappear! I know, I know. Back up your files no matter what. I've learned my lesson.

Anyway, I completely re-wrote the entire one act. I think it may be really good! Kelly read it, and she thinks it's funny. So, moving on. I'm sure everyone is DYING to know about my current guy situation. But here's something I've noticed...a trend if you will in the life that is my own. I never really have a real guy situation!

The weirdest thing happened a few weeks back. First, I must tell you about Lance. Senior year of high school, my friend Lisa and I took a college in the schools class...we got lost so often, that we just kind of tuned out. (We both got good grades in it though...imagine that) We wrote poetry instead. A lot of it was stupid cheesy stuff, a lot of it wasn't. One day, she brought in a poem from her friend Lance. It was good. I have this disease though...any intellectual male makes my heart go all a flutter. I kept my mouth shut, though. Lisa, however...did not. She took the poems we wrote, and showed them all to Lance!

She ended up giving him my e-mail address, etc etc. He and I began talking all the time. One day he and Lisa came over to my house, and the three of us hung out. One night on AIM, he told me he was falling for me...hard. No one had ever told me that before, because I'm typically the match maker, not the one being matched. I wasn't quite sure what to do! He had spent the first few weeks of our conversations telling me how in love he was with my almost friend Stephanie.

Anyway, I was excited and scared at the same time. He ended up going to our senior prom (he went to a different school) as Steph's date. I spent the night hiding from him. I don't know why! I just did. Lisa found me and told me he had been looking for me, he wanted to dance with me. He ended up finding me after the last song. He made about five different people take a picture of him hugging me. That was the last time I talked to him...til recently.

Lance has been on my mass e-mail list for a long time. Apparently...he switched addresses way way back, and I never knew that. I thought he had just decided to write me off. Well, a few eeks ago, he checked that old e-mail address for the fun of it, and freaked out. He e-mailed me back, saying "Wow! I can't believe it's you! I thought you wrote me off a long time ago!" I was in shock!

Lance went on to tell me that he is currently stationed in Korea, and will be heading to Iraq in the near future. WHOA! Not fair. My jaw hit the floor. I wrote him back, asked what his job was. He...like, looks for land mines and stuff...yeah...he'll probably die. Worst part is....if he did, I'd never know it!

So, that was a long story...but it needed to be said. Ther aren't really any other guys in my life. I made a new guy friend online last night though! We talked for like... 5 hours! It was long. And I could have almost sworn I was talking to myself. It was creepy...in a good way. A LOT of similarities, things in common, coincidences...he's an incredible person, and I am very priviledged to know him.

Well! I'm going to do better with this whole journal thing. Maybe life will start getting interesting again! Wouldn't that be nice?

I get a year older in about 4 days, one hour, and 20 minutes. I'm gonna be 21! Woo! And I'll be at home, going to bed early, because I work the next morning. Happy Birthday to me! Not like I would go do anything extraordinary anyway...ah, well.

More to come soon! I swear!

Ciao!

Au Revoir!

Aloha!

Later...

Always, ME!

Well, I haven't written in here since Jauary 31st! It's now... a lot later than that. Sheesh... where do I even begin? I'm doing this more for me than for anyone else, because I know I'm the only one who even looks at this thing.

I moved to New York in March...and it lasted two months. I worked for the devil herself, it was not good. I came home, and had no job. (I'll elaborate on New York some other time) So! Currently, I am watching my step  second cousin's 8 month old little boy, Edmond. Yes, I thought it was a terrible name for a baby too, but it fits him so well now...

ALSO I am truly in charge of the drama program at First Lutheran Church. Not only that, but I've started an independant theater company entitled "Plan See Christian Drama Ministries". And I'm so excited about it! I'll write more about that later on as well. Well, I have to get back to baby Edmond, so I'll write more LOTS more soon!

Later taters!

Peace out...

Me

Well, Sunnie's party went very very well! Paul was very nervous, but it all went over well. We rehearsed and everything. It was funny.

She was really surprised, and I'm really tired. So that's about all I have to say right now! So goodbye.

Bye

HOORAY! Saturday has come and gone, and I am still alive. I'm at work, of course... and I'm finally getting back to a semi-normal sleeping pattern. Life is...okay. It got even a little sunnier today, when Ken Wanovich (My long time worship leader from church to church) stopped by Dunn Bros. to talk to Sunnie and I in passing. He then mentioned that he had purchased the rights to one of Judy Johnson's (Drama leader @ Eagle Brook who hated me and never gave me a chance) plays, and that they were going to perform it at First Lutheran, where I've been attending. I asked who was directing, and he said he wasn't sure. Hmmm...

Then he said he had asked Judy Johnson to direct it. (Ahhh! Last time I saw her, she had kicked me out of the musical for missing a rehearsal when my mom was in intensive care! She's...grr.) So I knew I didn't stand a chance. I wouldn't even be able to be in it, because she would never let me! So, my heart dropped, and I was like "So-long opportunity. Nice to meet you."

THEN he said it sounds like she's not going to do it. I then told him basically, directing is something I do. He seemed iffy, unsure of whether or not I could handle it. So I was like, listen buddy. Do you know what highschool theater is like? This musical would only have rehearsals once a week. Hah! Makes me laugh. Of course I can handle it! So, he says he's going to give me a call, and wants me to be involved one way or another.

So that's good news! Finally. I deserve some methinks! Well, it looks as though it's time to go back to work now. Curses! Oh, well. It will be okay. I only have an hour and 45 minutes left. I will survive! I just typed that whole sentence with my eyes closed. I am so awesome...well, I'm- a gonna go now. Later taters!

I love you forever and always!

Especially you!

Me

*yawns* I am so sleepy. I haven't slept in the longest time! And when I do, it's fitful, panicky, and full of nightmares. Tomorrow is the Titanic tea. My last minute cast acts last minute. It's making me crazy. I just...my head is going to explode. And all my line memorization time? Gone. Mary had her baby almost a month early. So Sunnie and I get her shifts. Well, well, well!

I reunited with my best friend from fifth grade the other night, along with Christy. We went to Rosedale...forever. (I hate shopping, I hate it I hate it) And then we went to my house. We sang karaoke, we watched a movie, I drove them home. It was great...

I've been crabby ever since then. I have no real reason, just that I have plenty of reason and no reason at all. So there!

I'm at work right now, of course. And I'm closing tonight at ten. Then I have to go home, make final costume arrangements and all that jazz. Then I can finish memorizing my lines, before going to bed and then getting up bright and early to get to the tea room. I'm so...grrr! Oh, well.

So yeah...I want to be part of an "and". Sunnie AND Paul, Sarah AND Andre, Sunnie AND Alex, Lurae AND Nikki....I've never been a part of an and before, except in "Corrie and Sunnie's house..." and...that will not do. I want to be associated with someone enough to be their and. That's what I want. You know what I also want? A Valentine's Day. I haven't had one since 5th grade, when valentines were mandatory. In 12th grade, my locker that I allowed two other girls to use...was totally decked out in Valentines day stuff. MY locker...none of it was for me. Not even a note. There were bears, and chocolates, and roses, and poetry...all of it was for the two other girls. In my locker. Nikki and Lurae....someone I thought was our mutual friend did it....that's just so...cruel! How could you? Even if you hated me, you don't decorate a locker for 2 out of 3 people who use it. You especially don't cut out the person the locker belongs to! Ugh...it still hurts. Oh, well. During passing times, I took friends to my locker and told them to help themselves to the candy. It was just...so hurtful, I needed to get rid of it. I hated letting them use my locker after that.

Well, anyway. I'm not expecting a Valentine's day...I just...want one. Oh, well! I don't need it. I'll watch a few love stories, all will be well. I have to get going back to work now... and I'm gonna fall asleep on my feet! Oh, well. Talk to you later....journal.

Me

AHHH! Boy, I haven't written in here for a long time! Everytime I tell myself "Gee, you should really be writing a litlle somethin somethin in that journal of yours!" I just...don't. I get overwhelmed because I'm like "What do I write about" at first, and then it's "Well, then I'd have to write about this, and this, and this, and this..." And so by the time I actually write anything, I'm sure that so much ahs happened, that I leave out all the good things! LORD! Okay. I'm over it.

So! Looking back, I haven't had anything all that interesting to talk about. So let's see what ground I can cover tonight!

So I confessed to seeing "Peter Pan" awhile back there, huh? Well, yes. I did...3 times total. Feeling guilty the entire time, ebcause I couldn't take my eyes off of 14 year old Jeremy Sumpter. I'm SICK! I know it. But hey...when you've been all alone for 20 years, you really notice attractiveness, no matter what more it comes in. So, Jeremy Sumpter is 14, but he seems older, I swear! And he's just sooooo adorable! Well, I continued to feel guilty until Nikki showed up for her usual limited 'Corrie time'. I confessed my cradle robbing sins to her, and then proceded to tell her everything about the movie. Suddenly, I had her ready and willing to go to the next showing. I was like...hey, if I'm going down someone's going with me! So, that was the third time I saw it. She was hooked. Swooning over the younger man right along with me! Bwa-ha-ha...so the guilt was SLIGHTLY lessened. Kelly still won't let me live it down though. Oh, well. I like what I like!

So, Nikki had to scurry home of course. That was a total of three and a half hours. We made plans for the following Wednesday, to basically spend the day together. I jokingly went and bought us each a Peter Pan movie story book...okay, maybe not so jokingly, but hey! It makes me happy. So, I idiotically waited for Nikki to call. And she did! To cancel... as usual. Silly me, thinking I'd get more than a few hours! How DUMB! I'm not Lurae...or anyone and everyone else. Which makes me far less important. I say it, because it's true.

Sure, her reason was reason enough, but i'm sure she never had to cancel on anyone else during Holiday break. I'm just that special. Anyway, she said she still wanted to stop by. So, the day I had taken off of work to spend with her, was me home alone all day waiting for Nikki to grace me with her presence for a measly 15 minutes. And wait I did! Waste, is more like it.

I presented her with her book, and she swooned and cooed before she had to scurry back home before her mother realized she was at my house. Of course, I always ENJOY the time I spend with her...but seriously. The whole day gone for that?

Oh, well. She went home without another word in my direction, and that's what I'm used to. The occasional e-mail will suffice. ANYWAY! On January 8th, it was Jessi's birthday. I made her a wonderful card, and bought her a LOTR poster card set. Not cheap mind you! And I had to reserve it. Klecker came, so that was fun. her mom was treating a group of ten people to Applebee's. I knew almost everyone. All but one, I think. But they were all sort of...past friends, you know? From like, Middle school and the occasional high school gathering. So! I talked mostly to Klecker and Jesse Gangl (Who is close with Jessi, but I didn't really know him that well.) about our Lord of the Rings action figure collections. Jesse won.

Afterwards, we went back to Jessi's, and I fell asleep almost, so I went home to go to bed at like...9:30! I'm a loser.

Since then, Jessi and I have spent some quality time together. We even started writing a play! It was...fun. We're weird. And we're in love with Orlando! Still...boy, is my guy list becoming quite extensive. Now all I need is a REAL boy, and I'm not talkin Pinnochio here people.

Well...I'm sure I'll think of REAL news later on, but as for right now...and i know I said I'd write the plot down of Nicholas Nickleby...but, I don't feel like it. I feel like being done now...

So, later! Bye!

Hello! Absolutely nothing interesting has happened lately...well, not since I last wrote anyway. I'm at work again, and I have to do counter and roaster today. So I shouldn't be in a good mood. But I am. I am one big roller coaster ride, that's for sure. ANYWAY! In my last entry, I forgot to mention my favorite movie of the moment. No, I don't think I have one favorite altogether...but this one is gosh darn good!

I had wanted to see it for quite awhile. What is it, you ask? "Nicholas Nickleby". It's a Charles Dickens play, and it was made into a movie a long time ago, and then they re-made it. it was up for best picture in 2002. ANYWAY! I had wanted to see it, because I love movies set back in the day, and I liked the cast. But I had never gotten around to it! Funny...I won't spend $5 to rent it, but I will buy it the minute it hits the $9.44 rack at Target. I guess I figure if I rented it and liked it, I'd have to spend twice as much to buy it later. Might as well take the risk and keep it forever, right? That's what I think...

ANYWAY! So, I bought it totally impulsively the day Kelly left. My mom sent me on random errands all over the place, and I needed some entertainment. So I grabbed it. There were a lot of new ones, but to distract my indecisive mind, I snatched up the first one that looked appealing, so I wouldn't have to analyze and later...regret.

After my numerous errands, I went home and did laundry, made my mom lunch, cleaned the house, took a shower, just so I could enjoy the movie undisturbed with no "to-do" list sitting restlessly in the back of my mind.

I popped the movie in, and began enjoying it the minute it started. If you haven't seen it, you need to because SERIOUSLY! It's fantastic. I think in my next entry, I shall record the entire plot. It's not exactly the kind of movie you'd go rent or buy on your own. Unless you're me! I feel like recording the plot down, then maybe I'll attract an audience for it.

Right now, I think I have to go back to work...but first. I love that movie! AHH! The lead guy who plays Nicholas Nickleby? He's HOT!!!! But seriously, the movie is good. He's not the only reason. (His name is Charlie Hunnam, he's british, and he's just...gorgeous.)

Well, I better get going. FYI-- the girl next to me, I feel bad. Her friend Dennis just called her cell phone, and she freaked out about something. She thought he had said he was at the highschool...but he said hospital. Then she called someone named Joel, and it turns out that Dennis' dad is at the hospital because he had a severe attack of some sort last night, and is not expected to live through the day. Apparently Dennis was crying on the phone...geez, I'm weird. But I have to know everyone's story. I love people and their lives...and then I write it down.

Well, now that I'm done eavesdropping, I should get back to work. (See? I know so much about other people that they have no idea I know. Bwa-ha-ha!)

ANYWAY! Over and out. Plot of Nicholas Nickleby soon to follow.

BYE! --

Corrie

Know what? After I said the last entry I wrote disappeared, it reappeared. Imagine that. So! Where did I leave off? Let's see.... I'm gonna have to browse for a minute. Okay, so basically I was going crazy. Same old same old. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I was real sick awhile back. And guess what? Sick again!

Today, is New Year's Day. Kelly left on the 30th, and we did not part on the best of times. It seems Kelly and Sunnie tricked me into driving to the airport, during the busiest flight season of the year. I nearly died, and everyone mocked me for being terrified. A mixture of heavy icy traffic and having never driven on the freeway before is NOT a good combination. In other words? I hated Kelly when she left. I was crying hard, but not because she was leaving. I had to get home all by myself. It was a horrible, horrible day.

So! Last night, New Year's Eve, it was planned for my entire family to go to Ruth and Earl's for a par-tay. Well! I got home from the tearoom yesterday...well, no. I got off two hours early for feeling quite ill and coughing on people...so I went to the movies. (Saw Peter Pan...it was so good! Were I that kid's age, I would have the biggest crush! He's a cutie...ANYWAY!) So, when I got back from the movies, I discovered my mom felt too sick to go, my dad was staying home with her, Sunnie (once again) was invited to a party that I was not (duh duh duh) and Jamie went to a friend's house. i was so sad! Because this was the first time since 8th grade I had had New Year's Eve plans. So know what happened? I went by myself. Easy as that. I felt so out of place, because my aunt is really my mom's cousin's ex-wife, so...we're distantly related, and they had all of their family there. And I was just kind of....there.

It was fun, don't get me wrong. But the majority of that group is adorable newlyweds, so... once the clock struck midnight...it was kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss...and Corrie. YAY! Oh, well. I'm used to being around adults. I have no friends my own age. EXCEPT Jessi.

Jessi called my cell phone while I was in Peter Pan yesterday, to report that she had recieved a wonderful Christmas present that she wanted to share with me. Pirates of the Caribbean tatoos. HAH! So, we're going to have fun with those when she gets home on Saturday.

I spose I have other friends my own age, but I never see them. It's more of a long distance relationship *grins* ANYWAY! Why do I have to work on New Year's day??? Why does this place have to be open? Grrr... Well, I DID volunteer to work today...but that was before I had..."plans". Oh, well. My resolution? Next year, I will have someone to kiss at midnight. So there...

Well, I have to go back to work now. It's just me and Sunnie here today. We thought it would be dead...boy were we wrong! Lordy be. Well, later tater!

C'est moi

A bientot!

The last entry I wrote disappeared, so I kinda lost interest in this journal for awhile. And then Kelly arrived almost a week ago, and things were...different. I haven't had the time to write, I guess. But now I do, after being sent to my room like a 2 year old for the 20th time this week. Why this time? Because Kelly called me a Nazi, and I told her to shut up and stop calling me names. I got in trouble.

She called me a Nazi, because she was eating the ice cream Sunnie and I got for Christmas, and I growled at her for not asking my permission. She yelled back with "Corrie! You're such a Nazi, and you're so selfish! I'm sick and my throat hurts." (Word to the wise...dairy is the LAST thing you consume if you have a bad cold...duh!)

So, ever since Kelly arrived...I realized something. I didn't miss her as much as I thought. Her need to constantly belittle me so she can stand firmly superior wasn't missed...just forgotten. I forgot how small she makes me feel. And of course, since she's the eldest, and the one who has returned to mother dearest after four months...she's been endlessly praised, while I've been criticized for not being more like her...

I've cried too many tears this week. I'm back to invisible. It's not all Kelly's fault, and of course...we've had our fun. But I can't take all this again...now I remember what it feels like, and how much my entire body aches at the end of every day when the pressure starts to let up.

She arrived on December 23rd, and the next day was Christmas Eve. Holidays are never carefree at the Killmer house. My mother was a ball of stress for no reason, because the children were the ones doing everything. Nagging, yelling, pain pain pain. We ate some snacks and opened presents. I started to feel bad for my mom, because everything Kelly and Sunnie got from her seemed to be tossed aside unwanted. They didn't keep their opinions to themselves, either.

I got "Scene it?" so I was happy. (A DVD movie trivia game) It ended well enough, with me getting up extra early to clean up the HUGE mess left from gifts and food, so as to avoid the inevitable storm to follow. Then I was designated the official turkey baster..fun fun fun. My grandpa had flown in from Arizona for christmas for the first time in over 12 years. We were very very excited. But of course, my mom made it rather hellish with her continuous contradictory remarks of "Why is no one helping me in here!" and "Get out of here, I need to work by myself!" She even took to calling me useless when I tried to do all 3 billion and 50 chores at once she had given me... My mother was convinced everyone was out to get her, causing my father to almost cry before he retreated to the basement. She claimed she was as cheery as could be, while we were all spoiling her holiday. Yep...that's right. ALL OF US were the problem. She's perfect.

My grandpa, however (her father) actually stated "Penny really does drive those girls crazy, doesn't she?" to my grandma. FINALLY some recognition! We're not insane! WOO-HOO! Anyway...Christmas flew by, with my mom forbidding us from talking or laughing at the table. My grandpa gave us each $20, and then Kelly and I split to go see "Cold Mountain". It was good.....

The next day, Kelly, Diana and I went to Duluth to spend the day/night at Diana's apartment. Nothing too exciting. We basically just played "Scene It?" The whole time. Awesome, awesome movie buff's game.

We game home from Duluth on the 27th, and then I went to Target to spend a gift card. (It WAS for Candace...but due to some...difficulties...all of Candace's presents were distributed amongst the family) I got some LOTR books, some soup, a movie, and my mom made me buy her some coffee filters... Then TODAY!

I got up for church. Took an hour to convince Kelly and Jamie to go. I felt sooooo not good. I had slept in crappy positions during the whole Duluth thing, so i was in major major pain. (That combined with car accident injuries) Having not slept much at all last night, because of pain, I decided not to drive. No big deal, I always go with Sunnie. But Sunnie and Kelly insisted I drive, because of space. There was enough space, they just...yeah. I couldn't turn my neck (not safe for driving) and I had the worst worst worst feeling...whenever I've had those, something really really really bad happens. But like I'm gonna tell them that! They'd laugh in my face. I was seriously...so not okay feeling! So I said I wouldn't drive. (Besides, I hate driving with kelly in the car...passenger seat driver to the MAX!!!!) Then they both set in on me. Boy did they ever. Kelly couldn't drive because she was "dizzy". Whatever...Kelly is so good at making you feel like you're the smallest most insignificant unworthy being on the face of the planet, I swear. ANYWAY!

So I told them Jamie and I would go to Eaglebrook with Granny. So we did. After Kelly badmouthed me some more. Grandma was the happiest person alive though, I swear. She said she had been really depressed every week, because she was all by herself. I still don't like that church though. But i have no idea where else I fit in. I'm lost...

So! After church we were all...I was cleaning. Sunnie and Kelly were elsewhere. Jamie was playing. Mom was grring at me about not doing enough housework. Then Kelly and Sunnie came home, and we played with our cell phones and got new backgrounds and rings. (Background= Pirates, Ring = I Move On from Chicage)

Mom started shrieking, saying "Get out of the house! I want it to myself so I can do houseowrk! (All of which I had already done) So we decided to go see a movie. Then...Nikki called. We had absolutely nothing to talk about. The only person she had had time to see was Lurae. Isn't that special? Grand, fantastic. Last night I had a dream I told her I hated her, and she said "I know." I don't hate her of course, but apparently my subconscious does...hmmm... NO! Don't think so. I'm just...hurt by my own insignificance, I guess. Ahhh....

So! We had a boring awkward conversation about nothing. Then my spirits just...went flat, and my soul felt like it was deflating. Without saying a word, I got ready to leave. Jamie noticed, and followed me to the car. Then Kelly got the hint and got in after me. I'm back to that point in life when every little thing irritates me. Like, Jamie had movied my car trash sack to the other side, and I freaked out, yelping "This is MY car!" So, we drove to the theater in near silence. Then thank GOD! Jessi called my cell phone. My only friend! I was overjoyed. She invited me to her birthday party next weekend. Then she noticed I sounded a bit...weird. So we decided she would come over tonight around 7, and she'd give me my birthday present, and we'd chat.

So! We saw "Cheaper By The Dozen" which was very enjoyable. Then I went home, showered, organized my DVD wallet, and then Jessi came. She gave me a Spanish choir CD from Spain, awesome awesome. And she also gave me a chocolate bar from Spain. AWESOME! Then we chatted. I love her...she just...always helps me. Then we played two games of "Scene It?" and then one game of "Lord of the Rings" Monopoly, The Trilogy Edition. Then she went home. That's when I got sent to my room, for getting upset that Kelly ate my ice cream... Life's peachy keen fantastic, can you tell?

So, another compaining entry, but seriously. When else do you write? So the entry that got deleted was about Jessi coming home, i think. And she and I and her mom going to see return of the king...it was fantastic, and I was ecstatic to have her back home. She's going to Mexico next month for another three months, but then I have her for the summer. We're gonna make a movie or write a play. We haven't decided yet...

Well, one true friend in life makes it a life worth living, right? So I gotta keep going, because I've got something going for me. Besides...if I died now, I'd never meet Mister Wonderful...whoever THAT is....riiiight.

Over and out, I love all of my invisible faithful readers.

Peace out, yo...

Corrie

Happy Thursday! No, not really. It's a tired and yet busy Thursday. But it's my cousin Alyssa's birthday today *smiles* Hope she has a good one!

I had fun yesterday. It was good. I worked at the Tea Room, and got off early, because I had something to do! Tuesday night, I called Jessi, who is home now YAY! We decided to see LOTR together, opening night. I got to go with her and her mommy. ANYWAY! After the Tea Room (Which when I got there, they had a platter of birthday cookies waiting for me...awww...) I went to go pick Jessi up at her house. Then we went to the theater to buy our tickets in advace (Which turned out to be a very wise move!)

Then we bought candy, and then hung out at her house and watched some LOTR/Orlando footage I had taped while she was in Spain. We ate some pizza, and then her mom came home. I had given Jessi her Christmas present early, so she was eager to show it off. It's a pretty frame that says LOVE, with two silver hearts and a pink bow...in the frame was a picture of her and Orlando Bloom on their vacation to the Caribbean...at least that's what I made it look like!

So, we went to the theater an hour early, GOOD MOVE...and st in the very last row. It was fun, we laughed hysterically for an hour...stupid jokes. Then the movie started, and I'm telling you...it was incredible. I couldn't breathe through half of it I was so involved! Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. it was so good, people. It really was. I was so worked up duing it, I wasted all remaining energy. I got home a little before 11 (The movie started at 7:30) And then couldn't sleep, because I had passed from tired to loopy. So guess what time I got up this morning?? 5 am. Geez! I had to work at 6...I'm real bright. But I have an hour and 45 minutes left...and then I can go take a nap. Yeah right! My mom is home. It's not gonna happen. Well...hmmm...

It's time to go back to work already! Ahhhh....*whines* Oh, well. I guess something interesting must be happening later, because I have nothing else to write about right now... argh swash swash buckle buckle...haha! That never gets old...

Over and out!

ME

Guess who's 20? Guess! Who am I talking to?? Geez. Anyway! So, yesterday was my birthday. It was just like last year...meaning...it didn't really happen. I secretly had my hopes up for a surprise party...but I also knew it wouldn't happen. So i don't know which part of me was disappointed.

It was just another day, I swear. I woke up...Sunnie text messaged me a happy birthday (Because we both have cell phones now!) and then I went downstairs. My mom was whining and complaining about how miserable she was, then said she had to go to the doctor. So she did. I was alone for a few hours, and watched Montel... family reunions. THEN...my mom calls me, all dramatic and what not, saying "I'm having a panic attack, you need to come here right now and take my place." Then she hung up. So I went to HealthPartners, and passed my mom in the street as she was coming home.

I went and waited in the lobby, really unsure as to why I was there. And guess how many people were in that lobby? Geez! I had to stand! So after about an hour, I called my mom to ask why the heck I was there. She was upset, and told me I was waiting for her test results, and then was to pay for her prescriptions....AHH!

So I went and asked for her test results after waiting for another hour...screaming children everywhere. Then I just was like... "My mom called me with this overly dramatic panic attack plea for me to come and sit here, and this is not where I want to spend my birthday!" Then they just nodded and said "Is Penny Killmer your mother?" Then I smiled. They told me to take a seat, they'd be right with me. And they were! Long story short...I spent the rest of my tiny supply of Christmas money on her medicine.

After that, I picked Sunnie up (Whose car is beyond dead...) And we went to pick up our paychecks. Along with our checks, we got Christmas Cards! Inside each was a $15 gift certificate for Festival, as well as a coupon for a free half gallon of ice cream. So that really was the best part of my birthday. Sunnie and I zipped around the store picking out little treats to stash in our rooms away from my mom. Not all of it was junk food though!

We then went to my granny's to give her one of the ice creams, because she's obsessed, and we didn't need two. We stuck around there for a bit, and then we went to the bank to cash our checks. Then I had to go back to Healthpartners, and spend half my check on the rest of my mom's prescriptions!!!

Then we went home, and Sunnie fell asleep. Jamie was @ school, then at his friend's, and my mom slept all day. Alone again. Happy, happy birthday. Sunnie woke up at around 5:15, and then it was time for her to go to church! She said I should go with her, so I wouldn't be alone. So, I went. And guess what I did? Sat by myself on the couch while she had a leader's meeting. I never felt more stupid...so I called Kelly on my cell phone (Free mobile to mobile you know) and then...cried. I told her about the whole day, and then it turned into a Nikki discussion.

Needless to say, I was all red and blotchy and I kept having coughing attacks. Now, i need to back up and explain something real quick. Sunnie's boyfriend Paul? Yeah...he has an older brother named Ryan. My mom keeps asking Sunnie to set me up with him. That's...SILLY! I've never met the guy! Sunnie's always like "Oh, he's hot!" which means...yeah right on my end. So, my mom always talks about it. Always...grr. You get it, right? Anyway! At our Christmas party, my mom brings it up to Paul's mom Kathy. Corrie and Ryan should be set up. HAH! Not funny! They talked about it for awhile. My mom told me about it later. Kathy was for it, I guess...

I get along with both of their parents, so my parents think it's perfect. So! Last night, all blotchy, teary eyed and coughing up a lung...the room is suddenly flooded with people. I tell Kelly I have to go. I struggle for breath as I see Kathy and a tall dark handsome stranger approach the couch where I was sitting. (Sunnie was sitting on the arm of it, next to me.) Kathy smiles and says "Ryan, have you met Sunnie's sister Corrie?" He says "No, I haven't." And sticks out his hand. I stop coughing long enough to say nice to meet you. He says nice to meet you too. Then I continue hacking up..something...cough caused tears running down my face. Kathy laughs and says "She's sick. Jump back!" And I was...so embarrassed!

I told my mom about it, telling her to give up, I coughed all over him, it wasn't gonna happen. EVER! I also told Kelly about it, who both said "You're gonna marry him!" I was completely dumbfounded, thinking...wha---? Then my mom explained "The most embarrassing emetings are the most memorable. When I met your dad, I had come from the dentist and my moth was full of gauze and I was drooling as I asked for some stamps. You know how that ended up." Kelly had similar logic. But seriously! I've had enough embarassing opposite sex encounters to last me for multiple lifetimes! Am I really going to have that many marriages?

So, we left church early when mom called and told me dinner was ready. We had roast and homemade mashed potatoes...my request. Then Paul came by to share in the festivities. I opened presents while my mom hurried me along (She was NOT feeling well) I got some games, a necklace, a book, some socks, a box, a CD...and then it was time for cake. They had forgotten birthday candles, so I blew out one of my mom's decorative candles instead...my dad's idea. Then Sunnie walked Paul out...and my dad Jamie and I figured out how to set up and play my new game. Clue FX...I love Clue, so this was even better. Wanna come play it with me anyone?

So, no friends on my birthday...but that's okay. I have to start getting used to it. Last year was the same way. Well! I'm going to go home now, and watch Freaky Friday. I bought it today with money I didn't really have...te-he-he! Write more later...for those of you who forgot my birthday...I forgive you *grins* As if I expected you to rememebr! Silly!

BORED! Slow day at work. Sunnie and I are both on the computers chatting on AIM to each other. She's off, I'm still on the clock. Our cousin Alyssa is supposedly coming to visit, so Sunnie can't go home yet. So how lame are we? I'm giving Sunnie movie quotes, and she's trying to guess them... She missed an obvious Titanic one though...silly silly.

Well, I have to go back to work now! Later taters!

Me

I know I haven't written for awhile, but in all honesty, the web page wasn't working! I promise! Anyway... so! I have...mmm...about two days and a few hours left of being a teenager. That is so weird! I've been a teen for so long, and now I'll be 20. And my birthday is on a Monday, which is just...grr. I hate Mondays!

Well, anyway. The Christmas party actually went very very well. There was only one catastrophe, and that was that my mom misplaced her make-up bag, and dramatically declared that she would not come to the party. That didn't last long. Knowing full well that she was in a bad mood, however, I avoided her at all costs throughout the entire night.

Paul's dad came out of his shell, I'm told. Normally I guess he's rather gruff and intimidating. Well, he was quite personable! He was happy. I guess that's not that common!

*Yawn* I am so sleepy...GUESS WHO COMES HOME TOMORROW!!!! JESSI! Hooray hooray! Woo-hoo! YESSSSS!!!!

Okay, that's done. Now I shall record the questions I annoyingly asked Kelly last night. Did you know Trent Ford is British? (She did) Did you know Johnny Depp is the new Willy Wonka? (She did) Did you know they're going to do a sequel to 'The Goonies' with the original cast members? (She DIDN'T!!) And then I asked her whether or not she knew that my Christian band pals were going their separate ways. She didn't know. They were even on TV! It's sad, but good. Lance (The lead singer, and my pen pal) says that he hasn't had a life for a long time, and he wants to start a family, etc. He's also coaching basketball now at Champlin highschool, I think he said. So he's happy. And he can't escape music, so all is well!

So that's my new briefing for the moment. Fascinating, I know. Geez, hasn't anything interesting happened to me lately?? I haven't written for a long time, and I still have nothing to say??

OH! The television war with Best Buy is over! For now, anyway. After my mom stated she was going to report them to the Attorney General's Office, as well as the Better business bureau, they suddenly called her saying her No Lemon claim was approved. Which means we got a new TV last night! It was a fiasco, because my parents can't ever agree on anything...my dad has become bolder, so he stands up for what he wants. But he's such a baby. If she disagrees, he just goes "Fine" and walks away to pout and feel sorry for himself.

So! All they have these days are wide screen TVs...and it's...large. It does not go well in our living room at all. She bought it with our family room in mind...so when that room is done, we'll have a glorious theater if I do say so myself! It will be fun. Jamie and I were testing it out with none other than Pirates Of The Caribbean this afternoon. But my dad had not connected the sound system yet, so alas the film was silent. My mom was mocking me, because I attempted to do voiceovers, but I was too slow, so it looked like a Japanese movie...if you know what I mean.

Well, anything else I can update you on? Hmmm... I don't think so. *Yawn* Know what? I asked Sunnie today whether or not her church had a drama program, and whether or not I could maybe...start one. And she just continually discouraged me. I sorta understand, I guess. Because she feels like I would be invading or something. And maybe they don't want the help, that's possible. But I think it would be fun. To be involved somewhere, anyway. I don't BELONG!!!! *whines, tears tears tears....* I know, cry about it. I think it would be nice for the whole family to be involved, like we were at Bethany. I toy with the idea of going there myself, but... that would be lonesome.

Well! I best get going and go do the whole... work thing. I shall write more soon, I'm sure! Later!!

C'est moi

So, I haven't written in a while, eh? Oh, well. Nothing exciting has happened anyway. Nothing has happened period! I don't think...

My evil dreams are quickening their pace... Nikki came home for Thanksgiving. I saw her for a few hours. Then it was...it wasn't. She went without saying goodbye, just like I thought she would. Some best friend I am, huh?

Enough complaining! My birthday is coming, I'm getting older. Sunnie hinted awhile back that she was going to plan a party for me. I don't think she meant it. Even if she did...she's forgotten all about it by now I'm sure of it. Alas, alas. It's just another year, right?

I've almost completed my Christmas shopping. Last night I took Jamison out to buy Christmas presents for the family for his first time ever. It was so cute! He had about $80, and he got something for everyone. Cept me of course, cuz I was there. But it was fun helping him. He was so cute!!! A few days before that, he and I went shopping again, but for me to buy things. I got Sunnie's present, and Kelly's present. Then he and I went to Suncoast...and I went Christmas shopping for me!! It was by accident, I swear. I bought LOTR checkers, and then Jammer and I found these HUGE LOTR mural posters. So I bought a gigantic Legolas, and he has Legolas and Gimli on their horse...I bought it for him of course, because he's an excellent scam artist.

The only person I have left to get in the family is Candace, and I know what I'm getting her. I think I hope... *yawn* I am so tired right now... I taped the OC last night, and ended up watching it at like midnight, because I bought Pirates on Tuesday *YAYAYAYAYAYA!!!* and hadn't gotten to watch it until last night. I'm so happy...

Is it pathetic that movies make me happier than real life people? Hmmm... I got a free ticket to see the Haunted Mansion in my pirate DVD. I want to see Honey, and I want to see The Last Samurai. And LOTR comes out 12/17! So, yeah. I'm gonna see that.

This Saturday, my mom is hosting a Christmas party for all of Sunnie's friends and their parents...so how not fun is that? Very. So I invited Christy! Woo-hoo! Now I'm excited. I get to see her for more than passing moments in Wal-Mart. We have plenty to talk about, I'm sure. But boy, am I dreading the preparations.

Jessi is coming home on the 13th. Yippee! She can't wait to see the Pirates DVD. Especially after I told her about the bloopers. And my new favorite quote! Observe:

"Argh...swash swash buckle buckle!"

--- Orlando Bloom

Isn't that funny? Te-he-he! Now that's a swash buckling movie.

Well, I've done enough rambling for today. I'll wait for something good to happen before I write a long entry....maybe. I better get back to work, anyway. Write more later, I'm sure!!!

Me

I have nothing interesting to write about. Except...GUYS! I need you really bad! For the play I mean. Of course the play...*cough* There's that cough again, Scott! I mean it. Totally dead-pan boring. Yup yup yup.

So! Were I to have a birthday party this year, I would invite :

Jessi Campbell, Jessie Coffey, Christy Rose, Josh Flom, Corey Miller, Kelsey Marrin, Teresa Boleen, Tim Klecker, Tim Beier...etc etc.

I decided just in case, I need to think of these things...because what if, huh? What if I get up the guts to try again? Ahh, who am I kidding? I'm old. *laughs*

So. This Titanic tea is stressing me out. I don't know what I'm doing. Yes, I do. I just need....a cast. *sigh* And you know what else? I need a marriage proposal. Nice, Scott. Murray your stuffed moose. A stuffed moose wants to marry me. I have a stuffed moose named Elwood! Nevermind, let's not go there... And now Oscar the grouch wants to kill me. Life is dandy! Now Scott won't let me marry Murray...*sniff* There goes my proposal!

Know what? This is a pointless entry. I have nothing to say. Except that Jessi and I have a summer project! We just don't know what it is yet. Also, did you know Jessi is dating Orlando Bloom? Neither does she. Know what else? I have to finish my letter to her, so I can send her the fun stuff tomorrow. So I'm-a gonna go! Plus, I'm hungry and my mother is taunting me with seafood.

Later taters!

C'est Moi!! AGAIN!!

Hello all! Well, this is probably going to be short, because I only have about five minutes left of my rbeak here at Dunn Bros. So I'll be quick!

Went to go see the play...um...it was....NOT GOOD! I mean, some parts were. But let's face it, the talent is officially gone after this year. There were only a few people that kept my attention, and that wasn't because they were my friends...but because they can act. Imagine that.

So that was kinda sad. The worst one in my opinion...someone told me she's the new Corrie Killmer. How depressing is that??? Terrible, terrible. Right...she could never me Veta! Hmph.

I got an e-mail from Jessi Campbell today. I always enjoy hearing from her. I told her about the "New Corrie Killmer" and she was like...Yeah right! And then continued to tell me how wonderful I am...I don't deserve her.

I'm gonna be a year older soon... I already feel really really really old, lordy be. Goodness gracious. December 15th is coming along rather quickly, my goodness. But guess what! Jessi is coming home the 13th. I'm excited.

Well, back to work I go. An hour and a half remaining! Later taters. Love you all!

NAF

Corrie

Hey, I haven't gotten any e-mails from people who want to be in the murder mystery! What's up with that? Grrr...well, Ms. Boleen, I know YOU read this...are YOU available January 24th? Let me know. E-mail me ASAP. And find other people. PLEASE!!!

Well, guess what? I didn't sleep at all last night, and I had to be at work by 6 am. I am soooo overtired. I got up at 5:15, after not falling asleep until around 2... and then I kept waking up because of cruel, cruel dreams. Everytime I take a deep breath and get over what's happened in my past, I go to sleep and dream about it, and everything resurfaces. I think I am so over something, that I can live without it, and I'm happy. And then, I wake up after a dream, and I can't think about anything else. For those of you who know what I mean, you know what I mean.

I was talking to my friend Scott the other night, telling him how going to sleep depresses me. It's as if right before I go to sleep is when my brain decides to take the walls down. All the things I wanted to forget come tumbling back to bury me alive. I can't stand it! Before I know it, I'm a worthless sobbing mass of emotions, cowering beneath my blanket. That's why so long ago I've taken to falling asleep to the TV. I've always been one to get extremely involved in entertainment. So I pop in a movie, or watch something fun. Otherwise I turn into a total insomniac, burdened endlessly with memories.

How can some people just forget the past? How do you leave it behind? There's always something to trigger a memory, and in my case, most past memories are painful. I'm constantly reminded of all the mistakes and heartaches, no matter how hard I try to forget them and move on.

Anyway, that's why I couldn't sleep last night, and now I'm at work. I'm going to go see the White BEar play tonight. It's opening night. I want to go opening and closing night, to offer as much support as possible. Originally I didn't want to see it at all, because I had been absolutely shafted by Holly this year as far as directing goes. I must have been a sucky director or something...oh well. BUT--- I love all the theater people too much not to let them know that. I may not be a part of their daily lives anymore, but I guess I just have to deal with that. I'm old, and only getting older.

My birthday is December 15th. I'm going to be 20. I probably won't have a party this year, because no one even showed up last year. It was my own fault, I guess. Nikki came though. I think I would have...died were it not for her last year. You know, I've never had a surprise party. I thought maybe last year, they didn't come because it was a joke, and then I'd be invited to a movie or something, and there would be a party instead. A surprise party...but no such luck. My birthday didn't happen. Oh, well. It's in the past, right?????

But hey, if someone actually threw me a surprise party...I would not object. I would be thrilled. I would treasure that person for the rest of my life. (As long as they invited all my theater pals)

Well, the shop is getting rather busy, so maybe I should go back to work...?? Eh....no. Not yet. I called my granny from work today, so I'm going over there when I get off. We're gonna hang, yo! Raid her cupboards and all that jazz. Well, Jean is calling me so NOW I have to go. Later!

--Moi

I have no life, no friends, woe is me. Actually, I have friends. Just...older friends :) I'm not complaining! I just...work so much, and the money flies right out the window. I have about $500 in savings, because I have to pay my parents rent, and I have to pay car insurance, and I have to pay for groceries or something else to pick up everytime I walk out the door. Thanks, mom...

What is a journal for if not to vent and say the things you can't say out loud? Although for some reason I am saying out loud what I'm writing right now...sometimes I need to hear a voice, and most often it ends up just being my own. (Or Mister Moviefone)

Tuesday was my day off this week, as well as Sunnie's. It was veteran's day, so she didn't have class. I was all like "Let's do something fun!" And really? There was nothing to do. I had already gotten her to go to a movie with me, and that doesn't happen more than once every couple of months. Plus I had seen everything already... so after hours of doing...nothing...we decided to go get her Sadie's film developed, and then drive up to Andover to visit Vicki, the lady who had trained us to work at Dunn Bros.

We took Cody with us for some reason, so we spent the majority of the ride holding our breath so we wouldn't have to smell Cody's horrible breath. We rolled down the windows, so he could stick his head out and provide us with a bit of relief.

When we got to Dunn Bros in Andover, Vicki wasn't there. So we visited with Jacob, who I hadn't really talked to before. He's pals with Sunnie, so they caught up. It was fun, and I enjoyed chatting and telling stories. (Like always) Vicki actually stopped by, and was really happy to see us. We talked to her for awhile before remembering we had a puppy in the car. Then we went back to Wal-Mart to get Sunnie's pictures. There were a few pictures of me and Cody in our pirate costumes on the roll. QUITE hilarious...I am such a man...I mean, I LOOKED like a man...

Okay, new subject. Calling all actors! I need you! I'm writing a Titanic murder mystery tea for the tea room, and it's on January 24th. I need to know how many actors I can get, so I can write the script. I need to know how many people there are for SURE, so I can then develop a story, and different suspects. The more suspects and possible motives, the better. So if anyone out there in cyberspace in the white bear area is available and willing...PLEASE let me know. E-mail me at:

windows_in_this_place@hotmail.com.

Thank you very huge. What else is new? Um, nothing. I have three favorite TV shows that I never miss. Gilmore Girls is still up there. But the new ones are One Tree Hill and The O.C. YAY! OOOHHHH!!!!! Okay, I just remembered something really important that I never wrote about!!

Back this summer, I went to the mall of america with my mom. Just the two of us! Now, Sunnie, other peeps and I have met multiple celebrities there. But normally that's planned in advance. So! When my mom and I got there, She immediately wanted to go into Marshall's. I hate that store. So we decided to split up. I wanted to go to Disney, books, music, etc. So...I was on the first floor, and there were a bunch of kids skateboarding around in the rotunda.Then there was a line of kids with wristbands on. In my experience, that meant they were waiting in line for an autograph signing. So I though, hey. I'll find out who's coming, and when...and since I didn't have to meet my mom for an hour, maybe I could grab an autograph. So, I got a wristband, and got in line after hearing they would be there in about 10 minutes. Looking at the line, I figured I'd be shuffled past in no time. They always make those lines go really fast. So!

The people who were coming were two stars from the movie "Grind". Vince Vieluf and Joey Kern. I knew who Vince was, because he was in Rat Race. (He was the one who pierced his own tongue...)

So, I was waiting for the line to MOVE and it wasn't...Before I knew it, I was half an hour late to meet my mom. I figured out why eventually. They were talking to each group of people for a LONG time! That NEVER happens! People were going up there with the other people they came with, and just...chatted.

I had no interest in the movie beforehand, it looked stupid. But I had to pretend to be looking forward to it. So, all of the sudden I was on stage, by MYSELF! Because I came by myself...heh heh heh! And you know what? Joey Kern is HOT!!!!!

So, I walk up all by my lonesome, and Vince says "What is up????" (Enunciating each syllable) And then I said "I'm all by my lonesome!" And so Vince replies with "That's okay. Most of the people here don't like the people they came with."

I knew I was gonna have fun after that! I chatted with them for a long long time. Just me, and them. Joey and I talked about theater. He went to NYU, and studied theater there. We ended up also talking about my mom having cancer, so I hadn't had previous school plans, and he said "You'll make it. And you can use those emotions on stage." Vince piped in with "Perhaps we will be in a feature together someday!" And I squealed...I did. Embarrassing! Joey knew what Harvey was about, and said it takes a lot of talent to play Veta. *YAY* So, they gave me a movie poster, and Vince wrote "I love you and your brain", while Joey wrote "Corrie, you rock!"

I told them how disappointed my brother would be that he wasn't there with me, so they made out a poster for him too. I told them to make it out to Jammer, because that's my nickname for him. I also mentioned that he works in the tea room, so Joey wrote " Jammer, I hate tea!" And Vince wrote "Jammer, I eat rats!"

They were awesome guys. So of course, my heart all a flutter, I promised myself I would go see Grind. And I did! It was sooooo good. Thank god I met them, or I would have missed out on a great flick! Adam Brody is in it...and thanks to me, he is Kelly's new obsession. He is also on Gilmore Girls and the OC, two of our favorite shows. I found out later that he was supposed to be at the mall of america as well...that would have been AWESOME! Someone I would have actually wanted to meet before I got there. That's only happened...once. One person that I was actually wanting to meet because I had previously been a fan. Nick Carter. Everyone else I've met I became a fan AFTERWARDS.

Joey Kern was also in Cabin Fever, which I dragged Sunnie to....she's still upset about that. It was...gross.

Well, I've got to go! Time to go home. Later!

Me

You have to be lost to find your way home. Think about that!

What do a pimp and pirate have in common? They both say "Yo ho!" That has got to be my favorite joke ever. *grins* Anyway! I'm @ work again, with nothing really to write about. I'm done in an hour, and then I have to go buy feline pine cat litter for Harvey Kinkle Binkle...that's what I've taken to calling him lately. He's so funny...

Mmm... tomorrow I have the day off, so i plan on going to go get the "Love Actually" soundtrack (A movie I have seen twice now. I took Sunnie to see it yesterday. She actually LIKED it! That doesn't happen often with Sunnie and movies.) and then doing something fun... something fun? I have no idea what to do... No, not that. I already saw it twice!

See how pointless this entry was? My break is already over... oh, there WAS a really cute guy in today, who was very disappointed by the fact that he couldn't tip me. (We're not allowed to accept tips.) He had an adorable southern accent. Mmm...I love accents!

Well, I'm gonna go back to work now *sniff* I'll write more about my pure boredom some other time. Later!

-- c'est moi

Hey there! Look at me, I'm getting back into the swing of the journal thing. I'm at work again, surprise surprise...waiting for my last batch of beans to cool so I can shut the machine down, clean it out, and go home. I was supposed to work from 2-6 today, but really? You can roast anytime, as long as you do it everyday. I came in at 9:30, because I was up, and I wanted a free day, not a day with a huge hole in the middle.

I closed last night with Jean, who's just adorable! She's in her 50s or 60s I guess, and we just laugh all the time. Neither of us had really closed before, so it was...an adventure that's for sure.

When I got home at 10:30, no one was there! Sunnie had Sadie's, and my brother was still in Wisconsin. My parents were...elsewhere. So what did I do? Sang at the top of my lungs to my poor unsuspecting doggies before taking a shower and collapsing in front of the TV that doesn't work... *whines* Now that's a long story...

Too long, because I think it's time to go clean the machine and go home. YAY! More later I'm sure. Because my life is oh-so eventful!

Later taters,

Me

Argh, I am so dang tired! I woke up this morning absolutely thrilled, because I had slept reasonably okay! I woke up at 11 am. 11 AM! If you don't know me, you have no idea how remarkable that is. I sighed in relief after briefly panicking, trying to figure out why I wasn't somewhere else (ie work) when I realized I didn't work until 2 pm. 2-10...yay.

So, I got up, took a shower, muched on some cereal, popped in a movie to munch by, and settled in for a relaxing "morning". My parents were still sleeping, so life was good. Until the phone rang.

It was the Avalon Tea Room wondering where the heck my brother Jamie was. He was almost an hour and a half late for work, and the dishes were piling up! Where was he? On his way to Wisconsin. He KNEW he was scheduled, he just decided to be stupid. So, I called his friend's cell phone, screamed at him, then handed the phone over to my dad...he was ....really unhappy about it...(to put it nicely)

You know what's really funny? I'm at work right now, after roasting beans for four hours, preparing to work behind the counter for four hours... and so I was trying to write my dad was mad, but I wanted to write a word that rhymes with dissed. This computer is censored, so it won't let me! Not even with spaces in between the letters. This is what it does: ....ed

Isn't that funny? You can write it with dashes though. p-i-s-s-e-d hehe. It won't let you write that, but it will let you write shit and bitch and damn but definately not .... (guess what that is)

Anyway! I went and saw "Love Actually" like I said I would last night. The place was packed! I thought it was the Matrix crowd in the line that curled from one end of the theater down the hallway of the other end. But no. When Love Actually was called out, the line idea was abandoned and there was a mad rush. I was reasonably lucky, and squirmed in pretty early on. I found a good seat by myself, and really really enjoyed it.

There was some rather uneccessary nudity, but other than that...it was good! I laughed a lot. Colin Firth was a sweetie again *grins* And Hugh Grant was of course hilarious...and sweet. The guy who played the guy Laura Linney really liked was really hot! But what happened with them?? Grrrr.... if you see it, you'll know what I mean.

Five more minutes before it's time for me to go back to work...what shall I do? Contract a strange virus that will demand immediate attention from a tall dark handsome stranger doctor man? I definately would not be able to work. No, no no. It's a serious disease. It's called... um....something really serious sounding. Yeah.

Well, looks like it's time for me to go to work now...*sigh* Unless I get that disease....I'll write more later. Ciao!

C'est Moi

Hey there howdy hi how are ya? Excellent! Good to hear it! Well, I'm at the coffee shop, surprise surprise. I got off about forty minutes ago, but I'm hanging out on the internet, because the movie I plan on taking myself to doesn't start for another hour. What am I going to go see? "Love Actually". I can't wait to see it! I've been waiting, because it has a lot of people I quite enjoy in it. Especially Keira Knightley.

Keira Knightley was the object of my undying envy when I first saw her in Pirates of the Caribbean. The first woman to kiss Orlando Bloom on screen... and she's so beautiful. And she's YOUNGER than me! How depressing... and she's british. I want so badly to be british. I want so badly to be Keira Knightley! I also loved her in "Bend It Like Beckham" Which I of course own. Wonderful movie.

Anyway! That movie opens today, so I'm taking myself out. I drive now, so that's a possibility. Now that Kelly is gone, it's vital that I drive...otherwise, I'd never leave the house. Since she and I were so much alike, we loved all the same things. All the same places. I never went anywhere without her... and that was a good thing. I didn't mind tagging along, because I usually wanted to go there too. Anyway! So, since she's gone, I HAVE to go by myself, or I wouldn't go at all. Why? Because everyone else sucks, that's why. I'm too unusual. And I have no friends under 30. Hmmm, how'd that happen? Oh, that's right. I'm an old lady. I gotta be what...126 by now?

So! I have 15 minutes until I plan to leave....what do I write about? Sunnie's new boyfriend?? *grins*

Paul. He's terrific. I think he could possibly be the one for her. Wouldn't that be grand? He's the only one the whole family has really been excited about. The only other one I liked was Klecker, but that's because he was my bestest buddy, so that was the reasoning behind that. I knew they had no future. They were too young! But Paul? He's perfect for her, and sometimes... I imagine their future together. I wouldn't mind having him as a brother. My mom and Paul's mom are already planning shopping trips together. Isn't that fantastic? Sometimes I think it's my MOM who's in love with Paul. *grins* Sunnie Stauff... has a nice ring to it. I hope it works out for them. They'd have nice looking children.

So where's my prince charming? Still looking... Sometimes I just feel empty... so many people have come and gone, and I feel stuck in the same place. Dreams too big and far away. But everyone tells me they're not out of reach. If all my english teachers knew I was working everyday at a coffee shop instead of going to school...they'd probably never speak to me again. They all thought I'd have my name in lights by now. Or at least write a best seller... Acting and writing. Not the most promising of careers for an overweight dreamer from White Bear Lake... I have a head full of stories waiting to be written down, but do I have the original spin that makes those stories interesting? To act in Hollywood you need the looks. To act on stage you need the voice. I don't have either. But do I have something else to set me apart? I don't know. Being on the top in White Bear theater doesn't mean you're off the bottom anywhere else... White Bear talent isn't much of a comparison.

I stress myself out sometimes... I could try and be a carbon copy...but it costs thousands to lose things (If you know what I mean) which is so dumb! And it costs money to gain other things. All this money that I don't have....grr and a half times ten! Oh, well. Well! I think I'm going to go to my movie now, and complain more later.

If anyone still reads this...I bet I love you!

Always, Moi

"Take a look, here I am. Can't you see? One simple smile from you could set me free. So if you take a look, let your heart be your guide. I'll show you love if you take a look, at the girl inside." - 'Take a look', Kirsten Dunst, "Get Over It"

Hello all! Or maybe no one reads this anymore. I guess that's perfectly okay, this entry is more for my own sanity anyway. It's been forever and a day since I've written in this thing...

I've been pricked with a twinge of guilt everytime I sign onto the internet, and every single time I sign off after not writing a single thing down in this journal. So... we'll do a quick update. Or maybe not so quick! We'll see how long my fingers feel like typing tonight.

Kelly moved to Connecticut. Sometimes I view her as my last link to sanity. And now that that link is gone... After she left, I thought of Jessi Campbell that way. She and I had sleepovers, watched every Orlando Bloom movie in existense, tore open and re-stuffed my gigantic fair Shark. (HUGE mess! Snow like styrofoam all over her entire house...one of the best days of my life)

Jessi was preparing to leave to Spain. She was down to her last couple of days, and she wanted to spend time with me. ME! Corrie...just plain me.

When Nikki was getting ready to go off to college, she had time for everybody BUT me. We talked about it in the hour she reserved just for me... but it still didn't feel right. They both left, and I missed them both. Right off the bat I sent things to Nikki to make her feel loved, wanted, and missed. I recieved nothing back. It's not like I give to recieve, I just give hoping to be appreciated...nothing.

About 2 weeks after Jessi left, I got two postcards from her in the mail. Saying how much she wishes I were there with her... and I wanted to be there with her.

Lurae and Dustin visited Nikki last week. I wasn't invited of course...didn't expect to be. But I didn't feel like I was missing much. I know how many wheels there are on that vehicle. And I don't feel like being the spare anymore.

I miss Kelly very much. Her cell phone number is still local, so I call it all the time. She is the one and only person on this planet that appreciates absolutely anything and everything about me. And she understands everything. She laughs at all my jokes, and continually tells me I'm destined for fame. I've never felt better about myself than when I'm talking to my older sister. She looks out for me. So in other words? My attorney has moved to Connecticut. When it comes to my family now, I have to fend for myself.

So yes...Kelly, Jessi, and Nikki are gone, along with my sanity. What else? Oh, yes! I still work one day a week at the tea room. I also work at Dunn Bros. Coffee shop. I just got a promotion. I'm now a barista and a roaster. Meaning I make drinks, and roast the coffee beans. Roasting is NOT EASY! But I got a dollar raise, so I best not complain.

Sunnie and I met Hanson awhile back. Got it all on video of course. Pleasantries pleasantries... Ummmm... I have a boyfriend! Just kidding. Mmm...Beier and I have had recent "discussions"...yay. He has a girlfriend that he just LOVES to talk about. No really. I'm happy for him. I enjoy my co-workers. i'm half their age, but still. They like me. We're going out together on Thursday. They can't wait til I'm 21, so they can take me to the "fun" places.

My birthday is a little over a month away...but after last year? I'm not planning on having a birthday. We'll see what happens... sometimes I just hate myself.

My obsession with Pirates of the Caribbean has not slowed down at all. I saw it...many times, and I was Jack Sparrow for Halloween. A very good Jack Sparrow I might add! No, not really. I was more of a miscellaneous pirate that sounded much more like Captain Barbosa. Oh, well. I scared the small children quite well!

I can't think of much else to update you on at the moment...but now that I've given a background, hopefully my next entries will be solo-topic focused.

Over and out, love you lots, may the sun shine like a barrel and a fire cracker....and the wha---? Sleep. Yes. Good. Au Revoir!

-- Moi

To everyone I know, don't know, would like to know, would like to forget...JUST KIDDING! I have a little announcement to make.

Some of you may or may not have heard that I was moving to New York. If you have heard, then you know I was leaving today, the 17th. WAS is the keyword here, because I didn't leave. I didn't go. I'm NOT going.

If any of you who knew I was going, really KNEW me, you knew I didn't want to go. People have been telling me they could read it on my face as plain as day. When people would ask me if I was excited, I would say no. But I thought I had no other choice.

My parents continually told me that if I didn't live my life the way they planned it out for me, college when and where, etc etc, I would have to move out. I had no way of moving out, at least not yet. So I found a way. A nanny in New York. Seemed perfect. I wanted it to be perfect. But to me, it felt like a trap. I put on a good face, convinced myself it was perfect for me, and began the preparations. I had to quit the perfect job for me here, because I had to get away from home.

The people I was going to be working for? The woman was a stay at home mom, real hoity toity, really social, really...rich. Sickened me. She just wanted someone to take her children away, so she could go out and have fun with the other socialites. It bothered me, but it was good money. I HAD to be happy...right? But I wasn't. Something felt very very very wrong. But I had no other choice. None. Nope. Nada.

One of my biggest reasons for leaving, is that I felt I wouldn't be missed. Sure, my friend of convenience status would be missed. My cleaning skills would be missed. My 'I'll listen to your problems without giving you any of mine' reputation would be sadly missed. But i didn't feel like anyone knew enough of me to miss me. But I've often found myself living in that woe is me world. But...enough negative influences can do that to you, forgive me for it or not, that's just the way it is.

Anyway...a few days before scheduled leaving day, I saw my dearest closest most beloved brother like friend I've ever had. He saved my life, waking me up in the process. So, I have to say a thank you just to him.

"Edward"-- Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over. You proved what I didn't think was possible. That people care, and that I'm stupid. I don't resent that of course, I appreciate it. Thank you for the prayer, and thank you for being the messenger. And thank you so much for sticking by me. I know I've most likely made it difficult. You're one of the only people who can see past the circumstances, and know that sometimes, people just have to lose control, and lose themselves. Because otherwise, they'd never know they needed to find their way back. Most people can't see that, and that's sad. But you've always been there when I needed a hand to hold onto, and this time, you had help. God bless you! Thank you for helping me realize I DID have a choice. Thank you for helping me realize the right one. Thank you for helping me to let go and let God. And thank you for being my friend, and my brother. I love you very very much, and I expect to see you more often! *grins*

He, among a few others have offered me a home, to get me out of this house. If things go down a bad road again, I hope those offers still stand! Please let me know *laughs*

Maybe this news disappoints some of you. Maybe you thought you were rid of me, or maybe you thought I'd actually make it somewhere. Well, taking care of children 24/7 doesn't leave much room for broadway. If it's meant to be, I'll get there someday. I'll find a way. As for right now, I'm figuring things out. I have A LOT to figure out, believe me...but I'm so relieved. I wasn't ready for it, and it wasn't right. They needed me for at least a year anyway, and...that would be a trap. I don't want to be someone else's care taker forever. As "Edward" told me...I't would be a waste of all my talents. *Grins*

Well, one last little list of thank yous...Ed, thanks again bro. You're a lifesaver. You finally let me cry, and made it okay to do so. Beier, sorry for being so hard on you. You did what you did, because you're human. Can't expect anything else, because that would be silly. I need to stop doubting caring people, right? JESSI--sorry to disappoint you! Now, our original plans. 70 times was it? The Pirates are waiting. I'm on #4, how about you? SARAH-- Funny how you waited until the day I left to write me. Too bad I'm still here, huh? Now you actually have to practice what you preach *laughs* LAURYN-- Well, I guess you never got around to that surpise party, huh? Oh, well. I forgive you! My birthday is in December. And I'm simply overjoyed that your older sister is still gonna be around for ya! Hope you are too. SCOTT--- you knew it from the beginning, but respected me enough to figure it out on my own...with a little help from God, of course. Always and forever. CHRISTY-- We can still be friends, YAY! We'll keep up with the guy stories then, huh? And are ya ready to go bunny shoppin?? Unless you already did...*whines* And to everyone else: I love you, even if you hate me. And that's the way it goes.

Corrie

Okay, I know I've been neglecting this journal for awhile. But, alas. I've been very not busy! Yes, it's true...as disappointing as it may seem, I'm not moving to New York. Not yet, anyway. Maybe someday. But for right now...well. I sent an e-mail to everyone whose e-mail addresses I had. So for those of you whose e-mail address I DO NOT have, and you read this journal...I'll put a copy of the e-mail in here for you to read, so I don't have to repeat myself. *laughs*

But before I do that, I must tell you a little story. But I don't feel like it. So I'll make it the short version. One week ago exactly, I had just finished putting everything BACK together in my room, after destroying it, trying to pack. Nikki was on her way over to my house, so we could spend the day together. I had made my bed all pretty and everything, and it's a top bunk with a couch beneath it, so I really didn't feel like climbing all the way up there, and ruining it when I was expecting company. (A poster had fallen down from up there, so I HAD to put it back up, but didn't want to ruin the bed to do it) So, I did something I've done a million times before. I held onto the guard rail, put one foot on the windowsill next to the bed, and hoisted myself up, kneeling sideways with my other leg. I put the poster back up, and then twisted around so i could get down. My knee that was securing my position on the windowsill severely dislocated, and I fell backward, headfirst off the bunk. I smacked my head against the floor and bruised up my entire body in the process. SEVERE pain followed, but I miraculously got up and walked around a few minutes later. My knee was fine until later that afternoon, when Nikki and I decided to hang out in a hurricane...long story.

Anyway! The next entry will be that e-mail, and it's important and all that jazz...so. Yeah. I better go get that done and over with. *grins* Later!

Well, let's see... I told Nikki I was leaving. She cried...she cried a lot. Especially when she saw that I had traded rooms with my brother. I felt bad...then I cried, because I am going to miss her SOOOO much! But---she'll come visit me in her all time favorite place in the whole wide world.

There's a lot of bunny poop in the cage next to me...hmmm...maybe I should do something about that. Eh, I'll do it tomorrow. I keep putting EVERYTHING off...including packing. I've only packed two things. My CDs and my DVDs. Silly silly silly. But they're my priorities afterall.

So there's not really much to report at the moment...yesterday was my last day at work. Afterwards, Jan and Becky (my bosses) took me out to eat at "Ingredients". I had never been there, and that was so nice of them! After that, my co-worker and friend Alli took me to Uptown to a coffee house called "Uncommon Grounds"...at least I think that's what it was called...ANYWAY! That was fun! Different for me, but fun just the same.

So! (as you should all be used to by now) There's this guy....heh heh heh. Enough said for now. *luv to Willoughby*

Well, I'll write more later, I'm sure! Peace for now peoples.

I got the New York job. I leave July 17th. So for all you guys out there who have fallen madly in love with me...now's your chance! I'm almost gone! Tell me NOW before I go away forever!

Okay, now that I got that out of my system...Do I want to go? I don't know. As a told my friend Scott, it's like...totally unfair. It's like my life is just like moving out of your childhood home. The place you've comfortably spent your whole life in, no matter how crappy it seemed sometime. Then you decide to move, and you make the house perfect. You fix things up, you get brand new appliances...everything sparkles, and as you leave, you wonder why it was never like that when you lived there....

That's how my life feels right now. As I'm preparing to leave, I realize it's become the life I've always wanted. I've met..."people", I have the perfect job, I've made new friends. I can finally feel things again without being afraid of getting hurt. I feel like a real person, and I don't want to give that up. Start all over. And what if...eh, nevermind. I've already written about that I think. Well...Seriously, people. Don't let me leave without knowing you really truly want me to stay, but then think it would be good for me. That's your line. Memorize it, rehearse it, make it believable. I'm an actress people, therefore very good at detecting a lie! *laughs*

Well, life is hectic, because I leave in about two weeks. This all happened way too quickly! I had to quit my job at the tea room today. I really didn't want to do it, I was so scared. Not because I was afraid they would be mad at me, I knew that once I told them this was really real. I was really leaving, and I was really giving up the perfect job. They were so great about it, and said they expect a Christmas card. I'm still writing theme teas for them via e-mail. I'm going to miss that place so much, I really really am. I only have two days left there, because they're closed for a couple of weeks around Independance Day. WHICH MEANS: I will have a LOT OF FREE TIME. To do things with friends, to attend surprise farewell parties...whatever the case may be!

Well, anyway. I guess I'll be off now. I'm typing away on my new iMac. Heh, it's kinda fun. My sister won it for me on ebay. Only $280! So anyway. Over and out. E-rokin, never stoppin, peace peace peace!

Well...I find out tomorrow if I get the New York job. If I do, that means Kelly and I can go there together at the same time. Driving, I mean. Kelly gets to bring Darla, and I get to bring Harvey. I'm so conflicted. AHHH! Okay. I want to get away, I know that. From everything, and everyone. I'm sick of feeling like I'm in the way. If I leave, I'm finally the one going somewhere. Even if it's just symbolic. I'm not the one who's going to be left behind this time. I'm going somewhere. But am I going the way I'm supposed to?

If I take the job, I can leave my mother and the insane work that goes with her, (although I love her very much...I can't stand her most days) I'm leaving anyone and everyone I've ever encountered in my entire life. I've already expressed my fears of going without being missed...

I'm the cool director, or the older sister figure, or the good friend when the real friends are all tied up. I hate the identity I've created for myself. Because when push comes to shove, and the week comes to an end, I'm the one who sits at home alone. I know there's a billion and a half people who care about me, because they've all told me so. I'm just so...I don't know. Sometimes I feel dead, because I don't feel this emotion. It really doesn't help that the majority of my friends are theater people. ACTORS. I'm so paranoid...I wish I hadn't listened to all the things I grew up hearing. We won't go into that...

If I go to New York, I leave the Tea Room. The only job I've ever had that I've actually enjoyed. They really like me there, and have already designated a billion responsibilites to me that no one else can accomplish. The creative director? Writing theme teas? Finding actors and other entertainment for every event? I really don't want to let them down. But I don't think I have a choice. My mom said if I don't go to college in the fall, I have to move out. I can't afford to move out with the hours I have at the tea room since they hired too many people. So I had to find a way to move out, so I did. I'm a New York Nanny...almost. My mom continually tells me I'm going to fail...that makes me want to go and prove her wrong. But I have to do what's right for me...if only I knew what that was.

I'm so scared I met the man I'm supposed to be with here in Minnesota, and I didn't realize it? Sure, God has a plan, but he also gave us free will so we can make mistakes. What if this is a huge mistake and I can end up a failure all alone? Why won't someone ask me to stay....

I need to stop thinking that way. Everyone's life will go on whether I stay here or not, and I don't like my life here. I like my job, but that's not enough to keep me out of the dark places I traveled to before. AHHH! Well, I'll find out tomorrow. I'll decide tomorrow. I may possibly collapse into a lifeless heap...tomorrow. I'll let you know... peace to all. Especially to me. AHHHHHHHH

Okay, everyone! Read a story and learn a little something! Go to http://settledfor.blogspot.com and enjoy! I only have the intro up, but trust me. I don't have to plan a plot, it just comes to me when it feels like it.

Nothing has happened really to update you on. My parents know about New York and I'm not dead yet. That says heaps! Maybe this is the right thing to do? I don't know...good glory. I need to go to bed. My brain is all worn out! Later, peace out!

Good glory! I'm doing very very badly at keeping this thing updated. It's been 20 days! I'm HORRIBLE! Okay, who cares? It's my journal...lordy be. Anyhoo! What's happened? Sunnie graduated! Yay!!! That job in New York? It seems like it's really going to happen. They even say I can bring Harvey! I'm so happy....I think.

My mom told me repeatedly that if I didn't get going and go to college, I would have to move out. So I found a way to move out. Now she's saying that it's too far away, she'd miss me too much, and that I don't have to go to college yet. What a transition! But I convinced myself that I had to go, I WOULD go unless there was some dramatic reason God gives me to stay. I feel completely and totally panicked, because I have this feeling there's a reason just staring me in the face, and I'm not seeing it. I'm like that, I'm afraid. The worst part is? I feel like I won't be missed. Sure, the hard work I do will be missed. But there's no one here that's really going to be heartbroken over my departure. Not that that's what I'm looking for. I just...wish that someone would ask me to stay. I'm sure everyone feels that way when they're going to leave. But being asked to stay because it would make a difference to someone else...it wouldn't happen. Accuse me of being sad and pathetic, I probably am. But it scares me that I don't feel like I make a dent in anyone's life sometimes...

So! I wish someone would throw me a surprise going away party. All my life I've wanted a surprise party. I've never had one. But that fear inside...no one would come! Really...who would. No one even came to my birthday party. I sound like such a loser! Ahhh! It was my own fault, anyway. I let my insecurities ruin things for me. And other stupid people...ah, well. I'll throw myself a party. I'll take me out to a movie. (Like I did today. Oh, yeah. Saw "From Justin To Kelly." Go American Idol first season! My favorite forever!!!) Is it wrong to think I've found a reason to stay? I told Kelly about it, and she laughed at me, telling me my supposed reason is stupid. What if it isn't? What if it's the reason God sent? There's just...something I can't talk about yet. We'll see what happens. God, please don't keep me in suspense for too much longer!

You know what? I really want a boyfriend. Laugh all you want. I have my reasons. People warn me against them, people tell me I'm lucky. Whatever whatever whatever! I'd like to find out for myself thank you. I want to matter to someone. I don't matter to most. Not in a mattering way. *laughs* Sure, I'm a swell pal when you need one. When you don't...well, you don't. I love so so so many people. I don't leave enough of me left to love me. I need someone else to love me, and teach me how to love me too. *laughs heartily, throwing head back...coughs as she inhales mosquito* Dang bugs...

Well, let's see! If this New York thing happens, I have to quit my job at the Tea Room, and I don't know how...ahhhhhh...Well, I better sign off for now. I am sleepy, and alas. I work in the morning. I will try my very hardest to keep this thing a little more updated. Oh! I'm starting a new story, based on certain parts of my life. It's tentatively called "Settled For". I think I'm going to put it in an additional blog, so anyone and everyone who reads this thing, could also read my story! It's going to be fantastical! I hope...maybe this is the big one, guys! The one to be published! It has promise, it does it does!

Peace out, yo! E-rokin all the way to Nantucket! (Will explain some other time)