This one is gonna be quick. Why? Because I say so. Today...Kelly woke me up early to go to Perkin's. Nice, sweet of her. Good mood on pay day! Yay for me! Then, she brought me to school for an early morning rehearsal! Jamison came with, and we explored. It was fun. Yay, good times. I even went in the cat walk...shhh, don't tell. Then I had rehearsal. Woo-hoo. Actually, it wasn't bad. They did well...reasonably so anyway. After that, Kelly and Jamie came back, picked me up, and we went to the movies. We saw "Phone Booth". It was good. Short, but good. How long can a movie be when the only scene is a guy in a phone booth? Seriously...

Anyway! After that, I went home. I did some chores, fell asleep, got a phone call from Lurae, realized I wasn't DONE with my chores, made plans, finished chores...turned on TV waiting for Lurae to arrive.

So! "America's Most Talented Kid" was on, and there was this 4 year old little boy, playing "Fur Elise" BY MEMORY, the WHOLE thing, really really well on the piano! I was blown away. Then there was thie 12 year old girl who sang "Blue" and she was better than me...so I turned it off.

Then Lurae came. We went to Har Mar. Went to some shops, saw some puppies...drove to Wisconsin...stalked by some psycho who kept flashing his brights behind us in blizzard like conditions! AHHHH!!!

Then, we went back to her house. And that's where I am. Over and out, peace yo.

Today was interesting. Last night I couldn't fall asleep until around 2am. When next I opened my eyes, I thought my clock must have stopped and started up again just a little while ago, because it said 1:08, and my room was extremely bright. It was then I realized that my body had finally surrendered. It had slept. It had slept a lot! That's when I figured out that I must be really really sick. *laughs*

After I got up, I cleaned out Harvey's cage, straightened up my room, and was met by my mother, who had sympathetically allowed me to sleep in, knowing I hadn't slept for days. She figured I needed it, and was actually concerned that I appeared to be genuinely ill. (For those of you who don't know, since....forever...no matter how late I fall asleep, I never sleep any later than 9. 10 at the very latest.) I could have sworn my clock was broken!

Anyway, I was harassed about calling random places for jobs...alas, no one is hiring STILL. No one realistic for me, anyway. Then my mom had to go run errands. She left me with a list of "simple" chores, just like always. Would you like to see my list for today? I think it's funny *laughs* I of course completed each job as assigned.

1. Make mom's bed

2. Clean the kitchen. (large family, many dishes. Not easy)

3. Clean livingroom (my brother is a tornado)

4. Clean entryway

5. Vacuum upstairs hallway.

6. Clean bathroom

7. Do laundry continuous throughout the day, bring each load up and sort it on mom's bed.

8. Clean out side of hutch in kitchen

9. Scrub all toilets

10. Clean out and refill fish tank

Not as bad as it could have been, I spose. But definately the worst. Sunnie's chores? Put away laundry on mom's bed, and vacuum the living room and entry way. Jamison's chores? I kid you not....take out the garbage. I definately got the short end of the stick...what does that mean anyway? I don't know...

Well, that was basically all my day consisted of. Tomorrow, I get to get up early to go direct rehearsal when there's no school. Yay! Actually, it does seem kinda fun like. My mom and I just got done watching "The Last of the Mohicans" which is a very good movie, if it's not followed by a lecture about what a constant failure I am. Good glory!

Well, that's all for now. Enough complaining already! Write to ya later. Peace. Time to go watch a movie from my childhood..."Shipwrecked!" I used to watch it everyday...drove my sisters crazy! VICTORY! Hehehe. Over and out.

Today. That word says a lot, and yet not so much at the same time. Profound, no? This isn't easy today, because I really don't feel like writing. But alas, I promised myself I would not fall behind.

The job search goes on, and each day I feel more and more ill. I don't understand my own body. It's mean to me. It makes it so I can't eat, but when I do...I pay. Oh, yes. I pay. Explain this to me. I'm never hungry. I eat, because I've been lectured a billion times that I could die if I don't, or permanently screw myself over. Everytime I eat, I get sick. Run to the bathroom kind of sick. Not, yuck...I feel weird. It's...I'm about to throw up, I need to run kind of feeling. So whatever I eat doesn't stay with me for long. And yet when I eat a pea, I gain ten pounds! How unfair is that?!? I walk hours a day, to and from everywhere. Why do I still look like this? It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Good glory...

Now, what could be wrong with me? Oh....Corrie. I know what it is. You're pregnant. HA! Yah, too bad I'm a virgin. Next option please! No other opinions? Yeah, I'm drawing a blank too. I'll move on then.

Last night, I didn't sleep at all. I'm a violent sleeper...allow me to explain. When I can't sleep, I have this strange tendency to throw myself around on the bed...as if that's going to help the situation. In one of my...flights...I crashed my head against my metal headboard. It was not good...at around 4:30 am, I went downstairs to get a drink of water. Along with some more pain medication. Someone was in the basement, watching an action movie. I listened with my trained movie identifying ears, and immediately came up with the answer. "Chain Reaction" starring Keanu Reeves and Rachel Weiss. Yes, I am THAT good. I walked downstairs, and there was my sister Kelly. She works nights, so she had slept all of yesterday. She was supposed to be awake.

We chatted a bit, and then we watched the last episode of "Punk'd" which if you haven't seen it, you're missing out. After that, we watched "Ghost"....just because. Kelly fell asleep, I stayed awake...ill ill ill.

When the movie ended, I went back up to my room. I layed on my bed in agony...(feel bad for me yet?) and watched annoying infomercials. Before I knew it, it was noon. I got up, did some laundry, took a shower, shaved, cleaned out Harvey's cage...boring boring boring. My mom left, and then it was time for me to walk to theater. I totally overestimated how warm it was. It wasn't.

Theater was less than perfect. Less by a long shot... I am SO not respected! Some people are really willing to listen to me. But some of the others...I want to slaughter them. They think I have no seniority whatsoever. I've been on stage since I was THREE!! Goodness gracious. I know what I'm talking about.

Well, that's all that really happened today. I walked home afterward, and then....did nothing. Wrote some things, yeah...nothing. Well, I'm gonna go watch "That 70's Show" and see if I can fall asleep...e-rok out baby.

Well. Some of you know, some of you don't know, what happened at the senior party last year. To sum it up, I was...falling. And there was no one there to catch me. I did something stupid, that caused me to lose a lot of my friends. I didn't know what I was doing when I did it, and I hope I never feel that way again. After I had done what I did, I remember getting dropped off outside of my house. The door was locked, everyone was still asleep. I was walking to the back of the house, and I fell over. I fell hard. I remember my head was bleeding. I fell into the side garden, and I just cried. I cried for an hour at least. I was covered in mud, but I didn't care. Everything hurt. Especially my head. I was so mixed up...I don't want to go through all that again. They've been told what happened. They know. They don't forgive, but they know.

I was looking through my lyric notebook today, because I planned on giving it to Ben. I came across something I had entitled "random thoughts". It was dated about one week prior to the senior party. Now...if any of you guys that that event concerned are reading this...maybe this will give you some insight as to where I was emotionally. I can't take it back, I can't make it different. I just wish you could understand...

"Losing something constant that you thought you could depend on. Your comfort, your home. Your reason. Losing reason is losing direction. Is losing your way. For me, it's losing me. Not knowing where to go, where to look, where to be. What to be. The guide, the light, now smothered in total darkness. Not seeing, not knowing what comes next. Thoughts abandoned, hopes forgotten. The one familiar thing scattered to the whims of the wind. No say in what is to happen next. No way of controlling the future. Was control ever possible? Control is not an option. With control goes happiness, goes possibility of dreams pursued. Should then my dreams be forgotten as well? Forgotten or postponed, what's the point in deciding the difference? There is no difference. Either way they are far away. Might as well be forgotten. I am not giving up, but I am not trying nearly as hard anymore. It just seems to be a waste of time. Sadness lurks, sadness possesses, sadness is. It is now my constant, yet no comfort does it bring. No comfort. No home. No place to go. No me. No you. No life. All is lost."

Well...all I can say is that I wasn't me then. And if they couldn't see that, then I guess they never knew me like I always hoped they did. Forgiveness is too often taken for granted. Not to be self righteous, but all of the things I have forgiven, all the things I've put up with...I guess I just assumed there were people out there who could do the same. My dad beat us. I forgave him. My mother makes fat jokes at my expense. I forgave her. Boys use me to get to Sunnie. I forgive them. I write a note on the wall, saying I didn't know me anymore, I played a part all through highschool, and tried to be someone I wasn't. I am hated.

I remember times when those people would come to me, and I would take their problems on, just like I always do. I am cursed with a good memory. I remember every detail. At my birthday party in 8th grade, I had a bunch of girls over for a sleepover. We planned on going to see Titanic the next day. That night, at the party, Jessie Coffey started talking about the car accident that Ashley had been in. She didn't realize Ashley had been in the car. Ashley started to cry. I remember instantly wanting to absord all of her pain, make it go away. I sat down next to her on the floor, and I put my arms around her. She ended up almost in my lap, and I just let her cry. I told her I would always be there for her no matter what. I still mean it.

Emily would come to me from time to time...mainly because of the Ashley/Katrina ordeals. I was the friend when anyone needed it. I still am.

When my mom got really sick, I felt so alone. I didn't think I could live another day. I thought it was the end of me. I was running an entire household by myself, tutoring my brother, in a play full time, taking advanced classes. It was time for me to die, as far as I was concerned. I was more than ready to give up, because no one seemed to take notice that I was falling apart. That's when Ashley gave me the letter. She handed it to be in choir one day. I still have it, in my keepsake box. In the letter, she returned the sentiment, saying she would always be there for me, no matter what. Well, when I fell hard, I guess I broke that vow she gave me. I don't know what to do sometimes, or what to think.

Regardless of what happened or will happen, I loved her, love her. She and I had been friends for 9 years. NINE YEARS! That's a long time. And everyone else involved in "IT"...you knew me, you said. I wish you did now. I miss you...

Right now? Yeah, I have friends. Good friends. Sure, with most of them my only correspondance is over the internet. I wouldn't trade it in though. I treasure the good conversations we've had. And some friends are still right here. Nikki? Lurae? Yeah, not getting rid of them in the near future. I love you girls! And Christy...well, she's so amazing. She feels kinda bad right now, because she thinks she's turning into the girl she always despised in highschool. The girl in love! The girl who talks about her boyfriend 24/7. The girl who invites him everywhere she's invited. Well, she HAS become that person. But you know what? I say, who cares? So she's happy! She deserves it! AHH! Leave her alone, peoples. She and I were always told that when we had a boyfriend, we'd understand. I'm still waiting for it, but she's there. And I'm happy for her. Why can't everyone else be happy for her too? She's in love, it's cute, it's charming, and it's perfect. Leave it be. She's been such an amazing friend to all of her friends, she deserves it more than most. One day, senior year, I was very upset, telling her about how this certain boy was being really not nice to me...she was very upset, and became protective of me. The next day, when she got to choir, she presented me with a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of flowers, stating *in the middle of practice, very loudly so EVERYONE could hear* "These are for you, because you had a bad day yesterday." Then she shot that boy the dirtiest look...I was never more proud to have her as a friend. She takes care of her friends, and she deserves to be taken care of now. I love you Christy, keep on smiling!

Well, I must be off now. Sunnie would like to go online, and I'm...sick! I feel ill. I had to leave rehearsal early today because of it. So, I must be off now! E-rok out, baby. (Which, by the way. I used to be obsessed with Brian Littrell of the BSB. His nickname was B-rok. My name spelled backwards is Eirroc, or with my new cool spelling, E-rok. Make sense now? Awesome! Use it, share it, it'll be cool.) Later!

I woke up with a weird feeling today. Everday since the "big" conversation with Tim, I've been waiting for the fall. The inevitable fall...and it hasn't come yet. I keep bracing myself, thinking...here it comes. The part when I get really depressed and the world goes dark. It's not happening! Now, that could mean a variety of things. I really liked him...right? Maybe I didn't. I care about him a lot. A whole lot. But I think...actually...here's what I KNOW.

I cared about him very very much. Still do. Maybe, my caring for him in a friend way, got in the way of the real things. By that I mean that I don't think I liked him as much as I thought I did. I wanted him to know more than anything that he was loved, regardless of what type of love it was. By loving him, I think my brain got confused...and started generating these feelings that I didn't really have. I honestly think that's what it was. Because right now? Tim and I are good pals, just like always. I genuinely enjoy being friends with him. We say stupid things, and we get along, we do have a lot in common...which is why we're FRIENDS. I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't feel as if anything is missing, like I want more. Because I don't. I can't explain why I thought I did. I was just so set on the idea of helping his pain go away, that I would do anything to make that happen. Why? Because he was where I had been before, and that is the worst place you can imagine. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my friend. I wanted to rescue him. While attempting that feat, I put myself somewhere I didn't belong. It's so strange...

Looking back of course, I think "I don't make any sense, and neither does what happened." Emotions are tricky, and they can easily betray you. My eagerness to love and be loved is getting me into too much trouble, that's for sure. But either way, as of right now...I'm perfectly okay. And that feels really good. I was so scared of the bad times, and they're not coming so all is well! I don't know what happened to make everything seem so light... normally someone telling you they're scared of your problems and you're not physically attractive would not exactly put you in a good mood. With me, however, that's exactly where I am.

Everything is going pretty well right now. Theater doesn't bug me, my parents make me laugh with their silly accusations. Each time I get grounded, I roll my eyes and laugh about it, because it is just THAT ridiculous. There's nothing that gets me down really, except...well. Except for what's gotten me down my entire life. But I have the power to change it...*laughs*

Well, I'm off to theater rehearsal now! Our set is pretty amazing! All you people out there, come see the play! It's HILARIOUS! When I remember the actual dates, I will most certainly record them here. Later tators. I am off like a dirty shirt, yo!

Today....let's see. I got all ready for theater rehearsal...and then I looked at the schedule. NO rehearsal. How un-fun! My mom left for the dentist/shopping, scuse me..."returning"...and left me with a list of chores. WAY un-fun! She told me to make a double batch of Toll House cookies. So, I got everything out. There was no baking soda or vanilla. So then I put everything back. My mom had really been looking forward to a dessert. So! I decided to make a cake.

I found a yellow cake mix. The next course of action would be to locate some frosting. I looked up in my dad's secret junk food cupboard, that's not so secret. Sure enough, hud fudge flavored frosting. I reached for it, and an open package of cookies fell out onto my head, and then all over the floor. Less than entertaining! Cookie crumbs in my hair...ew...I salvaged what I could, and crammed them back into the cupboard. So! I continued with my cake making endeavor.

Lurae called me when there was about 20 minutes left on the clock for my cake. She invited me to go with her to "Get Down" youth group at First Lutheran. I was so excited! So she came over to *hang* awhile, and then we would be off. We browsed through my yearbooks, her pointing out her various "guys". About half an hour after she got there, she says "Wow, I can smell the cake. It smells good!" I shrieked, and flew down the stairs into the kitchen. Not to worry! It was OKAY! A little...too golden, but it was okay!

So anyway, Lurae and I joked around and did silly things, until it was time to go. We went to church, and it was great! A bit awkward, because I didn't know ANYONE. It was creepy. But, there were some people I knew. Ben was there, and he is just...such an awesome musician. Tres cool, yo. Well! I'm going to go watch The Cutting Edge now, because I have absolutely nothing better to do! If you're bored, save me from my boredom and write me an e-mail or somethin. Love ya! Peace.

Nothing happened today! And I say that with total sincerity. I didn't leave the house at all...until around 6pm, to accompany my sister Kelly on a Target run. Before that...I really...I did nothing. Oh! Yes I did. I took random electronic devices apart, and repaired things my genius mechanic/ Vietnam electrician bomb/enemy code de-coding father couldn't! Ha! So there! I'm soooooo good! Okay, so I can understand VCRs and video cameras a bit better...after all of the music videos and movie parodies I've directed/filmed. I am so good! *laughs*

Yeah! So then I went to Target with Kelly. She got the Chicago movie soundtrack...finally...and I was very jealous, because they have a special edition out now that comes with a bonus DVD. I am currently trying to con her out of it. Like she'll watch it more than once! Only obsessed movie freaks like me would do that! Besides, I am very good at getting things from her...it takes me awhile sometimes, but I just won the DVD of "Life as a House" with an offer she couldn't refuse. That took me about a year. But I KNEW I would get it, so I never got my own copy. It was MY movie from the start, and she knew it. It had MY Hayden Christensen in it. Why is he mine, you ask? I was his first fan! WAY before Star Wars. Oh, yeah. I liked him back when you searched for him on Google, and there was nothing. NOTHING! He was on my favorite TV show. Higher Ground. Ever heard of it? Yeah, didn't think so. I win, give up.

So she got that soundtrack, I got an Aragorn bookmark. Yay me! I also got "The Cutting Edge" DVD. Good times. Then I came home and watched "American Dreams". I love that show! I curse myself for the episodes I've missed! *whines* If any of you out there watch it...I need someone to talk about it with! I really really do! Okay, I'm just going to ask a general question...if you watch it, let me know what you think! If you were Meg...who would you choose? Jimmy or Luke? Seriously! I need to discuss this! *laughs* E-mail me or something! Or IM me! (DistantStares for those of you who don't know) Well, anyway...

After the show, I got grounded, that was fun. I forget why....hmmm....then my dad got really really mad about the missing toilet handle. Not too great. And then I talked to people online! Ooh, I think Sunnie is home. Time to go harass people! YES! Just ...kidding! Later!

What a day, what a day! Absolutely NOTHING happened! Hahaha. Yesterday my mother, claiming I was a bum who does nothing, got me in the car for a festive day of job hunting. I insisted that it was a no-hiring time, and no one was looking. (Because I've looked, trust me) My mom didn't believe me until some random store owner downtown White Bear said "This is a bad time to try and find a job. No one is hiring." I tried very hard to not laugh at my mom. Why didn't she believe me? Well, fortunately for us, The Avalon Tea Room has just put up a help wanted sign. My theater friend Gretchen works there, so that was pleasant. I'd also (if given the job) be asked to work at the gift shop across the hall, where my other friend Rana works. So I was a happy camper. Not my idea of the ideal job, but everyone seemed really nice. And working with two friends? Not too shabby!

After that final breakthrough, my mom and I decided to go to Sbarro, for some baked ziti. *yum yum*. Then I went and rented "Maid in Manhattan" and took it over to my grandma's apartment to watch. She was recently released from a temporary stay at the White Bear Care center. She was there because of 7 collaped vertebraes in her back. Sound like fun? Eh...she's only in her sixties, so it's sad. She has a hospital bed, and a lift chair, and all these strange things...she seems old now, and she never did to me before.

After the movie was over, my dad came and picked me up. Then it was movie time again! My mom and I watched "Abandon" which got really bad reviews, but I really liked it! I was told it seemd really predictable, but I think that's what they wanted you to think, because it really wasn't! Anyway, I enjoyed it. Yes... My brother had two annoying friends over, and his room is next to mine. Yeah, I didn't really sleep.

This morning, I woke up, cleaned up after three teenage tornadoes...woke my mom up at around 11am, cleaned out Harvey's cage...woke everyone else up...made some food for other people. Mom and Sunnie ended up going prom dress shopping. I watched Kindergarten Cop. It was fun. I took a nap, which is always enjoyable. *laughs* And then I made dinner, and...geez, where did the day go? Just a second ago it was light outside, and now SNL is on? Goodness gracious!

Well, I've decided something. Operation C.A.L (I know what it is, but I'm not telling. Ha-ha.) And here are the options of attack. (Also in code. I just have to write them down so I don't forget) "Junior Mints", "Twisty Braid", "Dancing Diamond", "Jelly Fish", "Emerald Elk", and...hmmm....I can't remember all the components. Mayhaps I will remember later. And perhaps someday...."the dream that you wish, will come true..." *laughs* As far as what was listed above, I don't think...yeah. Twisty Braid and Jelly Fish may be sooner eliminated than anticipated. Junior Mints seems rather promising...hmm....we shall see what we see when we see it. Or at least I will *laughs* Peace out, e-rokin baby! Time to hang with my bro, yo!

Life's not fair. Everyone knows that. Everyone knows I know that. Then why does everyone tell me life's not fair? WE ALL KNOW! No one needs to say it anymore. I know it more than most. You know what? I'm think I'm going to write an improv poem, here and now. Just because. I feel poetic. This is how I do it, for any of you who ever wondered. I start writing, and it starts rhyming, and when I'm done, I don't go back. I never change anything, because that would be changing how I feel. So here goes. The following is a written illustration of how I felt yesterday:

"Today"

I'm glad that it is gray today.

I'd die if it were bright.

The sun has gone away today,

Along with what is right.

I finally sat and cried today.

My strength and meaning gone.

I let my heartache out today.

But I let my mask stay on.

I finally see the truth today.

I know what I did wrong.

I'm closing up my heart today.

I'm back to being strong.

I do not cry for him today.

I do not cry for me.

I don't know why I cry today,

These feelings fly too free.

I wish that I could change today

To make it seem brand new.

I still feel all alone today,

The people here are few.

I fell back into dark today.

A sad familiar place.

I'm glad the sun is gone today.

It cannot see my face.

-Corrien E. Killmer

Well then! Yeah, yesterday I thought too much about too much. It was exhausting, and I still don't understand anything! Okay...everyone knows by now that I never expected anything to happen with Tim from the very beginning. I just didn't! I never ever let myself think that way. I wanted to keep him from falling into places I had been stuck in one too many times. I started talking to him, genuinely wanting to help prevent...prevent him from going where I had gone in similar situations. So yeah, I had liked him for two years, just because he was a really nice guy. I didn't know he was going to show me the real Tim. The sad side, the mad side, the side you never see. But he did. For a couple months he handed me every problem he had ever experienced, and I would respond with encouraging words, and anything else I could think of. He thanked me for helping him through his hard time.

He told me so many things. I'd like to think I helped with so many things. Sometimes he would decribe identical experiences to my own. So I would tell him how it happened to me too. Suddenly that wasn't okay. I can listen, but I can't talk...I don't understand! We have been through all the same things. The only difference with me...is that I have family problems on top. No one ever said he'd have to change them. It just isn't fair for him to say he's afraid of my problems, when I took all of his on top of my own, to try to make his life better. That's just not fair...

I know that's not a real reason. I know the real ones are superficial. I just wish he wouldn't cowardly hide behind something like that...my problems are no one's but my own. Always has been that way...

I was talking to Jessi last night, and at first I thought she was mad at me. She said I was putting her in the middle of it. She told me I couldn't be mad at Tim, he was just being honest. I told her I wasn't mad at Tim. Then she turned around and said how can I not be mad? She would be...I was royally confused. Then I realized...I am mad. but not at Tim.

I'm used to handling a lot more than other people. I can take on my problems and everyone else's all at the same time. I've been doing that all my life. So when I let a little out in my opinion, it's a mountain to other people. And it scares them. They don't know how to handle it. Tim even told me he didn't know how to handle it. In the conversation with Jessi last night, we discussed that.

(JESSI) Maybe people are used to you being the strong one.

DistantStares: people do think I'm the strong one, and I want to believe its true. In my yearbook junior year, everyone wrote about how strong I was, and how much they admired me. Everyone has breaking points. Mine just make people run away...that's the bad part of being the strong one. When the strong one falls, they're abandoned.

(JESSI): Maybe because it scares the rest of us.

(JESSI): Maybe if the strong one falls, then there's no hope for the weak.

DistantStares: but Jessi...that's not fair to me. No one can be strong all the time...and when they fall, they need to be caught just like everyone else

(JESSI): I'm not saying it's fair, I'm saying it's the way people expect things to be.

DistantStares: yeah, well it's really really not fair...i can listen, but I can't talk.

(JESSI): I know it's not.

So at least one person understands that... I'm so strong until I fall. And no one wants to be there when that happens. I'm there for everyone else when that happens to them. I fall, and I fall into nothing. I'm not saying that everyone has to stop coming to me for help/comfort/compassion/companionship. I love that I'm trusted in that way. I just wish I could expect the same, but I know now that I can't. I think it's good that I know that now. I don't go around telling people the bad things that happen to me with the intent of making them feel bad, or guilty, or anything like that. I thought being someone's friend included knowing them through the good and the bad. I can't expect that from everyone, and I'm glad I figured that out. There's a few people in this world I know I can always go to. I've been strong for them, and they're strong for me. Then there's the other people that I've made the mistakes about...my mistakes. Mental note taken and permanently stored. I guess I'll remain a mystery to them. Well, this was a long entry. But I needed for it to all be said. Life's not fair, did you know that? E-rok out. Later.

Last night was bad. It really really was. Here's why. Nikki and I were at her house, on her computer. I signed on AIM, not expecting to soon be involved in a big, very not fun conversation. I was talking to Tim, and at first it was all light hearted and fun. Then he mentioned that he was reading the journal entry I had just posted. I immediately got a bad feeling. I had written how I felt about him in French, knowing that I would keep it to myself that way for the most part. He asked me what it meant. I asked him why he wanted to know, because it wouldn't matter. He asked me why wouldn't it matter? And I asked him why would it matter...he said I had to answer first. So I did. I told him that no matter how I felt about him, it would be a one way thing. Then...he agreed with me.

"It is true that I do not recipricate the same feelings for you that you do for me, but I feel that you are kinda mad that I don't have those feelings for you." --- Tim Beier.

Well, I was kinda upset by the fact that he would think I'd be mad at him for not liking me that way. That's just silly. But then I made the huge mistake of asking him why. He said he wouldn't lie, but didn't want me to be mad at him. I refused to say I wouldn't be mad. What he ended up telling me, his reasons...were exactly what I was afraid of. He told me that I was not physically attractive to him. Okay...but the other part of his reasonings were even worse. This was after he had told me that I could trust him, he wanted to help me, blah blah BLAH. I would have never told him anything had I known...he said he wouldn't disappear, that me telling him that I'm not perfectly happy 24-7 would not make him not want to be around me. Well his other reason for not wanting to be with me? He said it was because of all the things I've had to go through, he wouldn't want to be around them, and he wouldn't want them to become his problems.

I never asked them to become his problems! And he said he wanted to help, that I could trust him. I will never ever trust him like that. Never. I just feel like I was lied to, a lot... his reasons are superficial, and there are things I know he's afraid to say. He did say a lot of things though.... like I don't have to be physically attractive to be his friend...well, whoopie! Good to know!

I was really upset, mostly with myself. I don't know why I ever told him anything. I've been asking myself that all night. Did I think he would rescue me or something? Yeah right! He also said that he wanted to help me, but I don't want to help myself. That cut me...it really did. That was when I realized he didn't know anything, because he never really listened to anything I said. I won't even go into how wrong he was with that statement.

I walked away from that conversation hurt and upset. I knew what would happen in the end, but I always hoped for different. I called Kelly at her boss's house from Nikki's room. Oh, thank God Nikki was there! Oh, I would have died without her. She had been through a similar situation... I really don't know what I would have done. Anyway, she drove me to Kelly's boss's house so I wouldn't have to go home to my mom and her endless disappointment in every single thing that I do. We listened to Nick Carter the whole way, marveling at how great it was, and how it explained us when we couldn't.

After I got here, I went on line to tell Sunnie to tell my parents I wasn't coming home. Sunnie was still upset with me about something else, and we ended up in this battle...it was not good. It really didn't help me much. I think we both needed to vent though. I stared at Tim's screen name for a long time, and knew I wasn't going to talk to him. He didn't talk to me, I didn't talk to him. But then I realized something. He IS a really good friend. He said some dumb things that would have suggested otherwise, but he seemed to be genuinely concerned about losing my friendship. I realized something else too... In the past I had eliminated friendships, cut the rope so to speak, when I should have been reinforcing it. We had the earlier hope of a great friendship, and I was more than ready to throw that away. He DID hurt me, he DID say hurtful things...and at the time I was really upset and confused as to why he could complain about no one ever feeling for him in that way, and then I did...and I wasn't good enough. He didn't want me. And I know it was the purely physical appearance thing, I just didn't know...he would complain about Jessi being superficial. He's worse. But...AHHH! He was a very good friend. And I don't want to lose that. So I told him that. And I told him I think we could become even closer friends. He said he wanted that "sooo much". He wants things to be like they used to be. Isn't that what they always say? Can't we still be friends? Well, we can be, because I'm not going to be the stupid one this time like I was last year. I had great friends last year, and let paranoia and past experiences and other people's opinions dictate my actions, and I lost them all. Almost. A couple of them knew me well enough...anyway.

He and I decided that we were actually going to remain friends. But I don't think It will be anywhere near to the same as before. How can it be? He told me he didn't like being a part of the things I came to him with for comfort... So I told him I wouldn't tell him anything anymore. He said I shouldn't keep it inside, but I don't have any other choice. He won't be there for me like I thought he would. I know that now. From the beginning of it all, i wasn't thinking he'd fall in love with me, or like me even. I wanted him to be happy, I tried to help him. It comes down to this. he said he would never hurt me, and he did. Nobody can say that and mean it. I'll always be his friend though, that part of me will never change. God curse me and strike me dead...or not. *smiles weakly*

He didn't see what he should have. And now he never will, because I won't let him. That's all for now, Nikki---come home soon...I need you! *whines* I love you ALL, NAF

So...there's a problem. But I can't write about it. I'm disappointed in someone, but he can't know it. So I guess I'm forced to move on now.

Anyway! I'm playing a great game right now...it's called...French Discovery! I just made it up. It's fun. Not really, anyway!

Last night, I went to Lurae's with a bunch of people, and played Sardines. If you've never played it, you're really missing out! It's my favorite game ever. Nikki and Sunnie totally won last night...I have lost my title...*sigh* Oh, well.

In other news, my mom told me today I can never ever do theater again. I must quit now, or move out. PSYCHOPATH! That was after I told her my good news about being hired by the district as part of the theater staff...I am less than happy...

Onward ever onward...moment of truth. How much do I like Tim Beier? Toute des choses que je pense sont-a-il. Quand je dors, j'espere que il vais aller avec moi dans mes penses. Il sais que j'aime lui, mais je ne sais pas si il retourne l'amour. And that's that!

So, today...in choir...HAHAHAHA! Oh, good times...no but really. Today I went to TMOA with Nikki and her mom and sister. We shopped. That's what you do at a mall. Then, Nikki and I went to her house...and now I'm on her computer completely ignoring her. AS IF! I'm....REALLY glad she's here right now. If you only knew...hey! That's that Moffatt/Gil Ofarim song. I like that song. I am so incredibly random. Well...maybe I'll write the deep and meaningful necessities at another time. I love you ALL.

Okay, I found it. The perfect song...that a guy has to discover is how he feels about me *laughs* I've heard it a billion times, but just recently discovered it, ya know? Anyway...baybay...a girl can dream. See, this song? The guy actually realized the girl is sad...and that doesn't make him run away. He wants to CHANGE it, now isn't that just peachy?? Read the lyrics, yo!

Nick Carter

"Heart Without a Home"

Girl I love to watch you

You're like candy to my eyes

Like a movie that you've seen

But you gotta watch just one more time

But that smile you're wearing

It's a beautiful disguise

It's just something you put on to hide the emptiness inside

And you seem so lonely

But you don't have to anymore..

[CHORUS]

If you're a heart without a home

Rebel without a cause

If you feel as though you're always stranded on the shore

Like a thief in the night

Let me steal your heart away

Baby if for reasons, what you're looking for

I'll be yours I'll be yours

I'll be a new sensation

One you never had before

I got a feeling if I gave you some

You'd probably want some more

Did you know that Baby

You're the bluebird in my sky

I only wanna make you happy cause I love to see you fly

And if you feel lonely

You don't have to anymore

[Chorus]

I'll be yours, I'll be yours

I'll be the raft in the tide

I'll be yours

I'll be the truth in the light

And what's more

When no one opens the door

I'll be the hope that you're

looking for

[Chorus]

I'll be yours...

Now how come no one feels that way about me, huh? *laughs* Someone write me a song, write me a poem...heh. It goes both ways too...that song? I'll be yours! Well...I've really got nothing else to say just yet. We'll see what we see when we see it. I know I say that a lot! Good grief. And also...before I go. Don't put too much thought into my opinion. It's really not that important. Over.

Okay, I lied. There's something kinda sorta interesting that I've been thinking about recently. A few years ago...like, quite a few, I liked this guy. He and I were exactly alike. Eerily so. Our mothers constantly compared stories about us. Thing is, he fell for my step-sister...his opposite in every way. He knew he ended up hurting me, so he wrote me an e-mail once, telling me "You can't have a relationship with someone you have a lot in common with. Relationships have to be built on compromise. Otherwise there's nothing that binds it together, nothing to work on or towards, and it falls apart", etc. etc. You know what? I believed him for awhile. But now? I think that's total crap. I really, really do. Why would you want to work so hard to try to be with someone, compromising on EVERYTHING?? Wouldn't you rather just...yeah, you both like it, you both do it. Not "We'll do your thing for awhile, then mine..." That's dumb. Stupid, silly, dumb. I'm not really making the kind of sense that I want to right now. I think, you should have a lot in common with the person you pursue a relationship with. Why? So you don't hate each other, duh! If you don't have a lot to work on in the relationship, that's a good thing right? Okay, so I've never had one. But still! I don't understand why you would WANT to have problems to solve. Intentionally. That's plain madness. I get giddy when guys seem a lot like me. I wouldn't look elsewhere. So there. I've said my piece. Again. Ta-da. Later gator.

Well! I think this might actually end up being a shorter entry. Why? Nothing happened. A lot of thinking happened, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. So! After my last post, I struggled for about half an hour to figure out how to use satellite TV. That was fun. Then I watched something about wedding customs. See? Really nothing fun. Then I went to set painting. I joked around a lot with Kyle Letendre, singing "Chicago" songs...very badly. But that was on purpose!

I ended up stowing away for awhile with Kaitlin, telling secrets and updating each other on...stuff. She has better stories than me now! Know what I mean, jelly bean? Think happy thoughts...girly happy thoughts. Yeah, WAY better stories than me! Oh, well. I'll get over it.

After set painting, I went to...YAY! The Orthodontist! Now isn't that just the best place on earth? Absolutely...*pause* Okay! After that, I went home. My mom told me I wasn't allowed to make any noise whatsoever...she wanted the afternoon alone to herself to...clean? Yeah...hmmm....So I stayed in my room, carried around my discman and rearranged the entire place, just like I said I would! It took me up until about an hour ago to finish it...good glory! Yeah, know what else? The house, looks just as messy. What did she clean?? I missed it. I was called down to make dinner, but I casually disappeared to do laundry instead. Unwilling to wait for me to eat, they made the spaghetti themselves. I was so proud! *laughs* My room looks smaller, but it's cozy. Well...yeah. Bor-ing! See? Nothing interesting. I only got yelled at twice by my parents today...hmmm...tomorrow more set painting. There's a project to keep my busy. Well! Maybe something great will happen tomorrow, eh? Over and out...yo.

You know what's rather alarming? You're sleeping on a couch in someone else's house. While dozing, you smell something a little...different. You crack your eyes open, and there's a black lab like...nose to nose with you! Scared me to death!! So, that was interesting. What did you do last night? Ha, as if you can answer me. I watched the Oscars, talked to people on line, including Sunnie, which is always fun! We never get to do that, because she lives down the fall from me. *laughs* Hope the medical procedures she was conducting last night went well. *HAHA!!*

So I watched the Oscars, like I said. YAY for Catherine Zeta-Jones!!! Best supporting actress, baby! She's one of my all time favorites, and she was so incredibly good in "Chicago" !! I love her voice. I wanna be her when I grow up! Although, I think I'd...yeah I wouldn't go down the Michael Douglas road, but that's just me. Anyway, ever since last night, I've had "I Move On" stuck in my head! That's the song from "Chicago" that was up for best song, that Queen Latifah and Catherine Zeta-Jones performed at the awards. I love that song *grins* I of course have the soundtrack, so that makes me happy.

"I Move On"

Chicago

While truckin down the road of life

Although all hope seems gone

I just move on

When I can't find a single star

To hang my wish upon

I just move on

I move on

I run so fast

A shot gun blast

Can hurt me not one bit

I'm on my toes

Cause heaven knows

A moving target's hard to hit

So as we play

In life's ballet

We're not the dying swan

We just move on

We move on

Just when it seems

We're out of dreams

And things have got us down

We don't despair

We don't go there

We hang our bonnets out of town

So there's no doubt

We're well cut out

To run life's marathon

We just move on

We just move on

So fleet of foot

We can't stay put

We just move on

Yes, we move on

Well, I really hope today is a good day. After the dog woke me up, my nose started bleeding, so I couldn't fall back to sleep. So...we shall see what we see. I hope nothing bad happens! I'm still in a good mood! *laughs* Well, I'm gonna try to find something to do...Kelly is next door at the group home she works at (cuz I'm still at her boss's house) and she works from 6am-9am. Then it's off to set painting! Woo-hoo! *haha*. So, we'll see what we see when we see it. Later!

Here I am again, making another entry. Why? I'm not sure. Nothing particularly interesting happened. Except...well, maybe it did. Okay. So I went to church with Lurae today. I met some new people and they were all really nice. Wasn't nearly as exclusive as Eagle Brook always was. I honestly enjoyed myself. When I got home however, the house was still really messy. I decided I needed to hide in my room for awhile, and pretend I had a project. My room is probably going to be rearranged soon. Whenever I get restless and unsatisfied, I have to change my room. Strange, isn't it? It makes me really happy though. And it's actually something that I have quite a bit of confidence in. Everyone who has ever entered my tribute to me...(my room) they have said that it is like...the "coolest room" they've ever seen. Well, not everyone has said that. But enough to make me really appreciate my decorating abilities! *smiles* Especially Joel Mathias...thanks honey :)

So! My room will change soon. Tomorrow maybe? Maybe not. I have set painting tomorrow. Or maybe it's make-up practice. Same thing, eh? Then...lucky me. Orthodontist! YAY! Not that bad. They like my stories there. *laughs* Yeah, because I talk even when they're poking my teeth with random orthodontist tools...Well, we'll talk about tomorrow tomorrow, shall we? Shall I anyway...I shall. So!

Yeah, today I went to church. I went home, messy messy. Needed a project...I cleaned off my two white boards so they would look less random, and nwo I don't know what to write on them. Something intelligent...any ideas anyone? What else did I need ideas for....oh yeah! I LOVE making collages. Did you know that? Now you do. I'm really really good at it! I make them for presents. All you choir people? Oh yeah, man. I made that Atlanta collage. And then I stole it last week...hahaha. I wanted it back! Anyway, I have this HUGE piece of cardboard...perfect thing to make a cool collage on. But what should I make a collage of? That's my pathetic dilemma...I need a project, and a huge collage would be the perfect thing. Ideas?? E-mail me. So!

I accomplished no project today. Kelly came and picked me up and took me to her boss's house (she's house sitting) and I chatted online with Tim and Jessi for a long time...which I don't get to do at home. I quite enjoyed myself. Then I watched some of the oscars, then I continued to, while writing this entry...woo! Someone just won an award or something...hmmm...NOW, I'm waiting for Sunnie to come on line, because there's something I just HAVE to tell her. I'm in a pretty good mood. Why? Because I haven't been home really, for two days. *YAY* Not only that, but I had a simply wonderful conversation with Jessi. I love you, I love you, I love you times a million and one! It was fun re-living theater memories with you tonight. THEATER SISTERS FOREVER!! Yeah, baby!

Okay. With that said, there's a serious confession I have to make. My absolute FAVORITE CD of this moment...is none other than Nick Carter's "Now or Never". His first solo album, and it's just simply fantastic. Even if you've never liked him, there's a song for everybody on that CD! Feel like yelling and screaming like Nikki and I did this past Saturday? Listen to "Blow Your Mind" and hit a bunch of pillows! Makes you feel better. Need a mushy you mean the world to me kind of song? "I Got You" is one of the best ever. Wanna tell everyone that it's time you just do your own thing? "I Stand For You" is perfect. Ugh...I just love it. I love it so so so so much! Just ask Lurae...it came out a long time ago, and I still keep it forever in my 3-disc changer. I was never a Nick fan, but I am TOTALLY a fan of this CD. There's only one song I don't like. "Girls of the USA"--it's just silly. It's...dumb. I admit it. But I love all the other ones! I do I do I do! In fact, I'm gonna include the lyrics to one of my favorites in here, because I can! Why? Because I can! And that's that.

"I Got You"

Nick Carter

People tell me you stay where you belong

But all my life, I've tried to prove them wrong

They say I'm looking for

Something that can't be found

They say I'm missing out

My feet don't touch the ground

But there are moments when you can't deny what's true

Just an ordinary day like when I met you

It's funny how life can take new meaning

When you came and changed what I believed in

The world on the outside's trying to pull me in

But they can't touch me

Cause I got you...

I want to thank you for all of the things you've done

But most for choosing me to be the one

It's funny how life can take new meaning

When you came and changed what I believe in

The world on the outside's trying to pull me in

But they can't touch me

Cause I got you...

And it hits me when I reach for you

That I'm afraid you won't be there

Maybe I am in too deep

But I don't care...

....they can't touch me cuz, I Got You

Yeah, so there ya go! I was rather surprised that people tell me they actually read this, but it makes me happy too. I want people to know me. Really know me. Yeah! Well, I'm out for now peoples. Later tators.

I look in the mirror, and I appear to be overwhelmingly tired. I would never suggest otherwise. I know how tired I am, I just can't remember why anymore...I have a big problem. Like I mentioned earlier, I fall under the same spell as everyone else in the world. I always want what I can't have. However, it just feels like I don't have so much, that everything I want appears to be impossible.

Yesterday was the day after my big episode. I don't know if I should feel bad about telling the truth like that or not. I'm just scared of it turning out like it always has before. Honestly, who could blame me? It seems sometimes when you allow people to know what you're afraid of, they can use it against you. Most times it's unintentional. I'm just too...scared of everything.

Yesterday, the slightly better about the world feeling I had momentarily after talking to Tim, was completely gone. I was incredibly restless, and couldn't stay in the house. I went downstairs, and the house that I had just cleaned was completely trashed. I knew in just a few minutes, my mother would make her grand appearance at the top of the stairs and instruct me as to my "chores" *cough, slave labor* for the day.

Without a plan, a goal, a destination..I grabbed my discman and a CD, pulled my shoes on, and was out the door. Alas, it is my only way of getting around. I just started walking. I walked for hours. Every time there was a possibility of turning, I would turn. The blisters on my feet were forgotten for awhile, but nothing else was. I spent the whole time thinking about everything. I had such a headache by the end of the walk, I couldn't handle it.

I ended up stopping at Lurae's house. How I got there, I have no idea. I was up by Cub, and then down town White Bear? Hmmm.... anyway. Nikki happened to be there, and I filled them in rather quickly as to why I had been walking all morning...I had left at 8am, and it was after noon by the time I got to Lurae's.

Anyway, eager to make my brain stop working overtime, Lurae and I ended up going to The Mall Of America...just to get ride bands for Camp Snoopy. Lurae and I hadn't seem each other for months, and we fell back into place as if not a day had gone by. We talked girly topics as we rode the "really scary" roller coaster...and I laughed. But after every laugh, every turn, ever fake yelp of fear...my brain would automatically return to the things I wanted to stop thinking about. It was torture!

After the mall, we went and visited Lurae's mom in the hospital. My mind and emotions betrayed me again as I found my head to be completely clouded with seemingly unwanted thoughts. There are some things though, that you tell yourself you don't want to think of... but their pleasant thoughts! You don't want to think of them BECAUSE they're pleasant, and you don't want to think of things that you can't have. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Like we had never missed a beat, Lurae invited me to sleepover. God bless her for trying, but after actually not being home ALL DAY, I still felt...bad. Nothing had changed. I got to leave the nightmare for awhile, but return to it everyday. The nightmare isn't just "home" and the people in it... it's everything. Everything and nothing.

We ended up inviting Tim to come hang out with us, but he couldn't. It was too late. We did girly forget about your problems and don't talk about guys things, liky dying Lurae's hair. Yes, it was a first for me, but it turned out okay! Then we munched on some stuff, (after realizing no...I hadn't eaten for about 3 days....) Then decided to watch "Signs" since Lurae had never seen it. Yeah...she fell asleep half an hour into it. And then we went to bed! That brings me to now. I'm laying on her bottom bunk at 7:30 am, my brain constantly luring me into a slew of emotions and...feelings! *growls* And I can't stand it. The thought I currently hate the most? That no matter how many times you tell yourself you DON'T need someone else to make you happy....yeah, you're lying. You do! Well, at least I do. I need a someone....*sigh* Oh well. You can't miss what you never had, right? Then how come I do?

Well, in half an hour we'll get up and get ready for church. Maybe that's what I really need right now. It doesn't seem like it...I feel like I know what I need (as unattainable as it is) So! I suppose I will...write even MORE later! So, yo. Peace out home slice.

So today was an interesting day. Good? Not really. Bad? Not sure. It didn't start out very well. I was already not looking forward to going to theater. I hate feeling worthless. Anyway, it wasn't that bad. Just three people to work with today. But, I did have to walk through the rain to get there. And my shoes got soaked which gave me unbearable blisters, and when I got there I was cranky! Then I had to sit, and direct! What is up with that? Well...rehearsal went fairly well. The walk home was torture, but I survived. It was after I was home for awhile, that things got interesting.

I was home alone for a few hours. Sunnie (my sister) went to work, my brother Jamison was at a friend's house. My dad hadn't come home from work, and my mom was out shopping. HA! Another story for another time. ANYWAY! I haven't slept in about a week...I drifted off somewhere between 6-7 pm. Only for about 15 minutes, but still! It was Heaven. I turned on the TV, and started watching "Jumanji". Silly movie, but a good time. Then my dad came home. Then my mom came home! Joy joy joy times a million! Immediately, she took a seat on the couch, grabbed the remote, and instructed me to unload the 50 or so grocery bags from her car. If you know me, you know I've been out of work for a couple months, because of a serious back/neck/shoulder injury. Well! Yeah, lifting all those bags is gonna get me better right quick! I did as I was told, as usual.

After bringing all the groceries into the kitchen, I was told to put them all away. I had already cleaned the entire house solo that day...I couldn't handle this. I started putting them all away, folding each bag, tucking it neatly away behind the garbage bin. Suddenly my mom goes "See that big sack of potatoes? I need you to peel all those, cut them into fourths and boil them. Then you can go back to the groceries. Oh, and fry the bacon." As she goes back to sit on the couch. I'm so used to this Cinderella treatment...but I had earlier recieved a lecture from Tim Beier about standing up for myself, and not letting my parents force me into slave labor. In a burst of self confidence, I refused to peel the potatoes and fry the bacon, stating that I was sick and tired of doing everything for everybody. I'm even fighting a war for Sunnie for goodness sake! I handle the house, the play, the problems...too much sometimes. Anyway, my mom says "You are not doing everything! If you were, the laundry would be done. You can go ahead and do that next if you insist on complaining." So, I started to cry. I suddenly realized how much I really do hate my life. She laughed at me, sent me to my room (after the chores of course) and said that's where I can spend my Friday night. Then she laughed again, stating "As if you had plans".

I was so so so upset. I went up to my room, and signed online. Tim was on. Lucky, lucky him. I was really in a bad place, and I just started venting. Very very very much. I told him everything. Well, not everything. But a lot. I made him worry, I made him feel bad, and that made me feel bad. He kept telling me he cared, and I didn't know how to believe him. Sometimes I just feel so screwed up. I'm a lonely person, and I've had a lot of evil people steal away my happiness. He's such a good friend, he's so amazingly wonderful, that I just...can't trust him. He deserves to be trusted, but some things are just too good to be true. He ended up talking to Jessi about it on the phone while he was talking to me online. She said I could l Iive with her family. They both think I can be someone else if I get out of this house. I wish it were that easy...that just seems to unbelievably good to be true. Do they really mean it? Would they kick me out? Would they get sick of me? Would they want me to make the meals? Clean the house? Do the laundry? I've known no other life. It's so messed up.

Tim ended up calling me, I ended up crying on the phone. I told him things. Things I've never told anyone. It was a good feeling. I want to believe he really cares. But no one ever has like that, so how can I? He's different than I thought he would be. He can be so serious...I love that. He wants to help me. He WANTS to help me. Everyone I've told the truth to, like I've told him...they disappear. He says that'll never happen. I really really want to believe that. I told him I knew Sunnie told him I like him. Not much else was said about it. I don't know if I want there to be. He knows a lot of valuable information about me now...too much? Hope not. I hope he's happy...he deserves it more than most people I know. Somehow, before the conversation ended, he had me laughing. HOW THE HECK DID HE DO THAT?? He's so amazing. YOU ARE, TIM! So there. I know, I know...you do what you can. *laughs*

So, he helped me temporarily escape...he said something in the conversation..."all of your wounds will be healed one day by the man of your dreams that will take you away, far away from all of you troubles..." Yeah, well...as much as I don't want to depend on that, why is it that I believe to the "very core of my being" that when I have that kind of love in my life, everything bad will disappear? It's the thing I crave more than anything. And the one thing that seems permanently out of reach. AHHH! I frustrate myself.... I really don't like where I am. I want someone to show up, and say "Pack a bag. You're not coming back." And then they'll take me somewhere perfect...worry free me. Does that version exist? I worry so much...most often about other people. I'm scared sometimes to think about me. Because when I do, I see all the bad things, and realize there aren't many good ones.

Well, this is a long entry. But, I'd just like to include one more thing. Or I'll forget all about it. I have the "Corrie, I'm flattered...you're a good friend" speech completely memorized. Fortunately for me, in all of my self loathing, and therefore discovery, I've come across a few things I have that really need to be appreciated! And one day...yes, I have it all planned out. The following will be said about me. (One of the guys in my life...this will be so overwhelmingly true to you...you just won't be able to handle it! Someday it will just dawn on you...wow...I love Corrie Killmer. I LOVE her!)

"I'm in love with someone. She's completely different from anyone I've ever known. She's very unusual...but what makes her different, makes her beautiful. She makes me smile, just by the way she looks at me. She's done so much for me. She was always there for me when I needed her. I wish I could have seen it all before. I only wish I felt more worthy...she has a classic beauty. I wish everyone could see it. The way she laughs, it's so genuine. Her eyes never lie. I can see I make her happy. I only wish I knew why... I know she'd tell me if I asked her. She's honest...and she's given me the greatest gift of all. Her trust. I love her so much, and I think it's time I let her know that...she deserves to be loved the way I know I can love her..."

Yep. Someone is going to say that about me! *Waiting....waiting...waiting...* Laughs* Well, my parents were unusually excited by the fact that yes...I am not a lesbian, I DO like guys...when I told them that recently, my dad gave me a hug and said he wants grandchildren, fast. Oh, so now my overbearing over protective parents want me to have immediate sex? Okay, whatever floats their boat or sinks their submarine...Well, anyhow. I know this was lengthy. But it all had to be said! I say it's time to end today. I'll have something new and interesting to say tomorrow. *laughs* Talk to you then! E-rok out man! (someday...I'll explain that too...)

"I want you to know when you hold my hand, you hold my heart." Yeah, how corny! I love it. I just got the "That Thing You Do" soundtrack yesterday...I've wanted it forever. Who knew it would one day be at half price books on clearance for $1? How lovely for me!

Anyway, I have a feeling I am going to severely abuse this thing for awhile...a few entries a day, until I realize...mmm, no don't feel like it. I'm writing mainly right now, to complain about going to theater. I was in theater all through highschool. I've been on stage since I was three years old! I know stuff. Lots of stuff, actually. Anyway. I graduated highschool, and then came back! YES! To direct. I'm directing my second show now. The first one, was a compilation of three one acts. I directed one...all by my lonesome! How happy am I? It was fantastical. (Yes, I KNOW that's not word. The majority of my vocabulary is Corrie made...) Then, Holly my CO-DIRECTOR asked me to help out with the Spring show. The current show that is preparing at North Campus highschool in WBL. Too bad I've done absolutely NOTHING!! Yeah, that basically sums it up. She doesn't let me do a darn thing. SO, the cast doesn't listen to me at all. It's pretty darn frustrating. Oh, well...they think of me as a pal still. So I understand. I'll get mean if I have to!

Okay, I'm sick of talking about theater! I have to be there in half an hour, so let's just...pretend that I don't. Onward ever onward! So, there's this other guy...*LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY* I know what you're thinking! Actually, I have no idea. But hear me out. It's an online guy, and he's just too good to be true. He's so sweet! Too nice...cruel joke nice, you know? He's the only person I've ever met online who asks really good questions, and actually WANTS to know the answers. And he's so adorable! Really truly. Hopefully he stays that way *growls* I promise to keep you updated!

Now, remember Tim? Yeah. Well, he knows I like him, right? Then why is he currently telling me all about his date with Jessi? A just friends date, I think...but still! Like I want to hear about it. Actually, I do. I'm curious. *Laughs*

Jokingly today, I decided to pick out songs for my American Idol audition next year. Oh, yeah! That's right, man! Christy...you and me baby! We're totally doing it! I still need a song though...

Really, my life IS interesting...I just don't feel like writing about the interesting parts just yet. Ooh, wait til I get me a boyfriend! Not a guyfriend, I have tons of those. HA! But really. My life has no choice but to be a dramatic saga. I'll fill you on what happened previously in my favorite Soap Opera, "Corrien" so you can understand future episodes. Well, I'm off to WALK to theater now. Yes, that's right. 19 years old, no car...no license. But I have reasons! My mom had cancer and we couldn't afford driver's ed. Yeah, so I coulda got my license at 18...shhh! I'm scared of driving...*cringes* Well, chat at ya later! Peace, yo.

Okay, this is just a quick little note. I'll write a real entry later. There's a thought I woke up with this morning, that is just...driving me insane. Because EVERYONE knows it's true, nobody likes it, and it will never change. The thought? People never want what they can have. They only want what they can't have! Sometimes you think you get what you want, but it's never exactly what you pictured. So you always have that in the back of your mind. A little "I wish it were this way..." Well, too bad! I'm never what people want, but goodness gracious. I'm here, and I'm not impossible. *growls* Okay, enough of that for now. I'm going to go be a slave to my mother! Joy joy joy! (I'll explain that later.)